To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

You have misunderstood something. Where have I said we would not consider two parents? I said that we assess the bursary award on both parents income and assets, whether they are still together or not. If we only received information from one parent, then we would not take the application any further.

And so despite the hundreds of posts announcing that the mother must have a bursary, I would say it is highly unlikely (without the OPs knowledge) as I believe my school operates in the normal fashion. I am baffled as to why people think private schools would only assess on the mother when there could potentially be a multi millionaire father in the background! (Obviously not the case here, but I am trying to explain the rationale).

The child would need to reach the standards required for the school, but the bursary is based on financial need, we wouldn’t increase the bursary if the pupil did particularly well. However we do have pupils that have both scholarships and a bursary award.

Ah apologies, I misread your first post. So do you not consider single parents or have I misunderstood that too? If you don’t? May I ask why? How does a child get both a bursary and a scholarship? As in, what is paid for? Are they not the same thing in terms of what is covered financially? Sorry for all the questions, I am genuinely interested in how it all works!

This is so over the top .. he would have only been in the school for year 7.. and it's only been one term in year 8 .. if you can't face putting him
In a state school .. is they another private closer to you .. then the fees can be in your husband's name and the mother can give you her share .. will not necessarily bring down the cost.. but will be easier for you all

newfriend05

We don’t know how long the child has been in private school.

what would happen if your dp stopped paying full maintenance to his ex?? She surely cannot expect your partner to pay all living expenses and all school fees! He should have put his foot down when she first voiced the desire to send her child to a private school which she could not afford and it sounds like this was her way of getting all his money knowing full well he would find it difficult to do much else. still have no idea why child is unable to live with his mother? is her partner abusive to him? when you say she is low paid it sounds like she works in the local co op shop!

Bursaries are not as common as it seems MNs are suggesting.

A single parent isn’t technically financially single if the other parent is alive. Both parents finances will be considered.

A recently widowed parent with a child at a school long term may receive financial help in the short term, but this is often required to be paid back in the long term.

Low income parents who seek a place at a private school won’t automatically get bursaries because they are low income. The school may have a limited fund they can tap into in order to increase diversity but it’s not the norm. Most parents pay the full fees.

There are scholarships available for the academically bright, music or sports scholarships. Competition will be high and the level required also high even before consideration. Minor scholarships may give 10% discount, major 30% discount.

Then there’s choristers. OPs stepchild is too old for that now anyway.

OPs stepchild has two parents who are alive. It’s highly likely the full fees are being paid and the only way to reduce this in the short term is to agree to stretch the payment in excess of the four years.

I read a few pages and then lost the will to live, so sorry if I'm now repeating.

This is insane, he needs to move schools, and not just because of the cost, and the hours and hours in the car, and the arguments it must be causing - but how will he ever really settle into his new home with all his friends so far away? He needs to go to a local school to meet local kids and settle in.

I moved school several times and it's not the drama people think, it's a chance to start a fresh. And if he still isn't keen? I'm sure allowance of say £100 a month because he'll essentially be saving you all so much would help oil the wheels...

@Morriet have you looked at all hardship/bursary/scholarships/funding options ? X

I disagree that keeping some normality in a kid’s life - after whatever has happened with his mother - is a luxury expense. I can completely see why his dad wants that stability for him.

By the time the baby can go to any of those clubs, the older child will have left the private school anyway.

I would be making the boy get the train - if he wants to go, that’s what it takes. Then charge the mum half of the train fair.

"normality" in this kids life would be a local school and local friends and a stable home life, not this stressful circus.

This just about sums it up!

There are a lot of holes that have not been filled and make no sense. I do feel sorry the kid if they bung him into state school and he hasn't been taught how to defend himself. State school is brutal for most kids who attend.

What a great idea, make DH even more stressed. If OP doesn't contribute to family finances, she should not be able to benefit from the finances

I am sorry, I am not sure what it is I am not explaining properly.

So again, no we do not consider single parents for bursaries by themselves and as far as I am aware no other private school would either. We consider the assets and income of both parents and their current relationship status between each other is not of relevance to us for the purpose of that assessment. So a single but low income mother or father could not come to us and ask for a bursary unless they can persuade the other parent to participate in the process and also provide the financial information we request.

A pupil from a low income family is as eligible to be assessed for a scholarship as any other pupil. A bursary and a scholarship do cover the same thing, a certain % of fees, it is all much the same to a parent but the source of the fund is different, one comes from scholarship funds and one comes from bursary funds. Generally speaking if we have decided that somebody qualifies for, say a 70% bursary, but then they win a 20% scholarship, we would reduce the bursary award by the 20%, so the pupil / parent won’t benefit financially, however there is generally a prestige with having won a scholarship.

Your stepson's parents can't afford to send him to private school.

Your stepson's parents can't facilitate or afford transporting him to private school.

Your stepson's parents are living beyond their financial & practical means & can only continue to do this with the goodwill, time & money of you & the mother's boyfriend.

PAIR OF GRIFTERS!

A single parent would get a bursary if the father is not involved and I know single parents have been awarded. At your school it might be different if there is no father in the child's life then what.

Your partner chose to move away from his child and the education/social network his child has - 45 mins journey is a long way for him to have moved - to have a relationship with you, and have another child with you.

HIs first child has had the upheaval of their parents' divorce, and now has had to leave their mum to live with you. The impact on them of having to leave their mum is huge, however well you feel you are doing as their dad's partner. One of their constants in life is school.

You are putting your own needs (and that of your own child) first which is understandable. Your OP is torn - and this is a good thing as he has not just abandoned his first child - between his oldest child and his new partner and child.

Blended families are very difficult as you will always put your child's needs first. Your partner needs to balance the needs of both of his children and this is what he is trying to do. I imagine he feels that maintaining a private education for his eldest child is the least he can do to make up for leaving the family unit.

I don't know what the answer is, but maybe this is because there is no easy answer. Perhaps a compromise which involves a private school nearer to where you live?

Rtft. She's on smp and is contributing.

The stepson’s parents can afford to send their child to school.

(until recently they were paying half the fees each, and the mother was paying all of the living expenses.)

The OP cannot afford to send her child to private school.

The stepson’s father can afford to pay the costs of transport, but he is doing this to the detriment of his second family.

The OP’s first post said that they could now not afford to do this “comfortably”. As the thread has moved on, she has said “he (we)” are now scrimping.

There is no evidence that the OP is paying for the child’s school fees. She did say she is paying her Mat pay (SMP??) into the family pot.

The OP has still not come back to say if she works.

“Anyone saying he ‘must stay at current school’, ‘you should move house’, ‘you should get a better job to pay for it’ etc wouldn’t do any of these things if they were in your shoes for a minute.”

omg has someone actually suggested op get a better job to pay for it?!

More fantasy, no wonder the OP hasn't been back.

Schools differ on assessments for bursaries scholarships. Some say you get this % off due to a bursary and this % off due to the scholarship. The school I am thinking award scholarships and bursaries separately and would not reduce a bursary by say 20% if you got a scholarship as well (exception if very substantial bursary). I'm sure all though do their best to be thorough and I believe a lot of form documentation is similar and indepth . I do I know a number of children with/had bursaries and single parents could be assessed on one parent's finances .... however...we are talking cases where courts have not managed to uncover assets etc (so very rare cases).

@Widower2014

wow that’s some statement to make about SAHM’s!!

I don't understand your comment?

I have already explained this four times. Where there are two parents with parental responsibility then we will require information from both parents, whether married or not. I am not trying to prove that nowhere ever has there been an exception and as such I am not interested in your whataboutery. I am simply stating that I believe we operate within the norms of the private school system in the UK. I think I am wasting my breathe though, so will duck out now. I am sure you know best.