To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Did he live 90 minutes away before the OP entered his dad’s life?

Oh, so OP’s DP has contacted you to tell you this, has he? Where is this small flat?

And what long standing arrangement for private school? When my DC went to private school, they all went from state primary for secondary only!

And I’m perplexed about this extremely rural area that OP unilaterally decided that she and DP were moving too! I haven’t seen any post about this at all! More assumptions by some posters?

I can think of many places in the UK where the next, e.g. 2 towns over has no direct transport links, thus necessitating long bus journeys or changing trains and a long train ride! I can think of some places in London, Manchester, and Birmingham, off the top of my head and I don’t think those 3 cities are extremely rural!

@Morriet how long has DSC been at the private school?

Clearly, it’s much better for DSC to be the product of two broken homes, not to mention carrying the guilt for the relationship breakdown between his father and OP, then it is for the child to move school!

And let’s hope that the father can afford to have a big enough small flat so that all his children can be accommodated when he has his access visits!

@CynicalOne by the time her child is going to scouts, swimming, football or anything with real substance the elder child will have completed school!

Therefore there will be plenty of money for her child to do whatever as the elder will be an adult.

Yes there are mini footie classes and a few bits here and there but for under 4s the main cost is childcare, which should be covered by tax breaks and OP going back to work!

@ProvincialLady1 your primary point is more conjecture, there's nothing in the OPs posts to say that they moved away from the area the school is in.

Would you really disadvantage your own child for a luxury expense?

OPs child is just a baby now, but if the situation continues and the fees leave no leeway for any extra expenses that will mean:

• no money for clubs or hobbies for their child
• no money for days out
• no savings for the future
• no money to pay childcare, potential then limiting OPs career choices
• no hobbies for OP & no emergency savings, leading to the baby having a stressed and depressed mother

I really don't think any decent parent would put all that on their child for a luxury expense.

My primary point is that it's creating more stress, instability and sadness for a child who by the sounds of things is already at capacity. You can't just pile up more losses, more insecurity, on a child of this age and not expect problems.

My other 'points' were questions, and are relevant to how the situation has developed.

YANBU OP. I'd be reminding him that he can't afford any of this without your contribution, and should you leave he'll really be in the shit paying double maintenance on top of private school fees.

At the very least, separate your finances and leave the financial wellbeing of SC down solely to your husband and his ex, as it should be. If he wants to continue the set-up he can fund it himself.

This ^. I think you're getting a hard time here from some. Your DP obviously can't afford to send a child to private school and so hard cheese, the child will have to move to a local state school (plenty of threads on here where parents have had to do this and their kids have been fine. Grange Hill ffs 🙄). God knows why he agreed to the private school in the first place if you are only left with pennies at the end of the month. The fact that he thinks his first child deserves a private education whilst you and your shared child are struggling financially would be a deal breaker for me. I'd spell that out to him.

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees yes it does seem odd that the DF ever put his signature down for private school with such ropey financial set ups on both sides. Even odder that he hasn't contacted the school to see exactly what is being paid and if any allowances can be made. Maybe he's too tired after his 3 hr commuting each day.

Ok, so now we are assuming that OP doesn’t work, are we? Along with assumptions about rural areas, farming, small flats, and goodness knows what else!

I honestly don’t know why we don’t just get OP to show us their bank records, it would save so much time! Or, a video chat! Live streaming!

Yes, @Morriet bank statements and live streams please, so we can bombard with assumptions and also, so we can price up your property vs exW property vs a small flat somewhere!

@SocksAndClogs you are clearly a genius 🙄

You need to sit down again and tell him this. Tell him how you feel and emphasise you are now at breaking point. This really could destroy your relationship and this needs to get through to his head.

Children change schools all the time, there is no reason why DSS cannot make new friends in his new local area. In fact, being in a local school and being able to do local hobbies and activities will give him the opportunity to make local friends, something in which he is unable to do right now due to his lengthy school commute.

I understand that DSS doesn't want to change schools either, but this has to be a family decision, as for financial reasons alone, this situation cannot and should not go beyond July 2024.

You need to put your foot down.

And it’s also possible that DSS, like my own DC, went to state primary and only started the private school for secondary schooling.

I did ask @Morriet this exact question and am awaiting her reply

@Muddybooties

Swimming, tumble tots, mini dancing, ice skating, are all things children can start pretty much immediately (dance and ice skating is when they can walk).

Since the OP says this situation has only been going on for just over a year, I take that to mean DSC has only been in that school for that amount of time. I have asked OP to clarify this, as I think it’s an important point.

If the ex is spending the maintenance on the school fees, then DP should start paying the school direct. That amount of travel is going to really impact on study/revision time has dss gets closer to GCSEs.

OP needs to make it clear that the home environment is becoming intolerable. No doubt that won't be well received and OP will be blamed for adding to the existing pressure.
My assumption is that having to withdraw his son from private school for financial reasons would be a big blow to his ego which is why he doesn't want to contemplate it.

But OP said he did say he was going to pull him out and then changed his mind - I think she needs to find out why this happened as it could be a crucial point. If he did say he was going to change schools he must also know that the situation is intolerable but has changed his mind for whatever reason. Maybe because SS has expressed his concerns at finding new friends?

Why does your dp live a 90 min round trip away from his child.

He doesn't the child has moved in with him.

Since older child moved in with OP and his/her father.

I suspect the DSS is already receiving a bursary meaning that your DH is paying all of the school fees (and possibly providing more to the mum if it’s a big bursary!). My parents moved back the the UK at then end of year 8 and I had to go to the local state school even though I wanted to stay at boarding school. Sometimes there just isn’t a choice!

Have you ever seen an invoice or spoke to the school finance office?

It's possible she could be receiving a bursary for part or even full fees! Especially given she's on such a low income.

Oh thank you cynical how sweet of you telling me I'm a genius. Don't think I am but this doesn't mean I'm wrong here though. you might need to reread the posts here. op didn't say whether she's planning on working or was working during anytime when the kid moved in. As far as we know the financial she's referring to is smp as she said so. She did say its the dp who's paying school fees. So it's you who's assuming she's supporting this kid financially somehow. If it was otherwise I'd fully expect that to be op's central argument. Perhaps op could enlighten us whether she's working or worked or will work to support this child.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I do think you should talk to the school to discover what the fees actually are, if a bursary has been applied, if a bursary could be applied. It’s shocking you don’t know this, so get on that - or rather your husband should.

i also think you need to be a team. This current situation is setting everyone up against each other. The situation has changed. You and your husband need to sit down together and work out a fair option for the family.

I’m sorry you’ve had so many batty comments, OP.

Anyone saying he ‘must stay at current school’, ‘you should move house’, ‘you should get a better job to pay for it’ etc wouldn’t do any of these things if they were in your shoes for a minute.

As a priority, I’d ask your DH to arrange a meeting at the school asap. He needs to ask to see last invoice, explain finances have changed, ask for any financial support options and also ask about timing and process to remove his son. Because many private schools require one term’s notice, with fees/deposit forfeited if this isn’t given. So he should check this specifically.

Once he is completely informed on the school and fees position, he will hopefully become clearer on the maintenance issue. And it is maintenance. What ex spends it on is not the issue here. But he needs to stop paying it and ask her to pay him. Or he can go to CMS.

He can also then plan for the school move, whether private or not, near to you. The ex doesn’t get to dictate this, especially as she can’t afford to keep him there.

But the travel costs and time, plus the unnecessary maintenance need to stop. I agree with PP who suggested that if he refuses to see sense you should just drop the rope.

Good luck!

It is very very unlikely that she is receiving a bursary that OP or rather her husband would not be aware of. As I have mentioned upthread, I work in a private school in a finance department and we do not assess single parents for bursaries, not unless the other person is deceased or unknown anyway.

If there are two parents with parental responsibility there is no way we would even think about a bursary without considering the income and assets of both parents. I believe this is standard practice.

I don’t get this, you say you wouldn’t consider a single parent for a bursary but you also wouldn’t consider two parents either, who does get bursaries? Are they common? And are they always just about low incomes or are they sometimes due to an academic prowess like scholarships? Thank you.

So without you they would not be able to have stepchild at a private school. Year 8 is not too late to switch to private. Year 9 is more of a problem as some schools do a three gcse science program.

what happens when Labour gets elected and fees get jacked up? You can’t afford it