To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Cecilyp "Really! Presumably because they didn’t have the slightest idea that the DCs living relationship with his DM would break down. (Fairly unusual, surely). It was obviously financially viable enough to consider the luxury of private education when OP actually became pregnant!"
I dunno Cecily, OP states this has been going on for over a year, and given the mother has proven herself to be unreliable in the past, then I don't think it's too much of a stretch of the imagination to assume, the stepson moving in was quite a likely possibility. They should have changed his schooling at the beginning of this academic year, as presumably op has had at least three months maternity leave? Otherwise they did know the finances and shouldn't have had another child if private school was a priority.
If this is real, then it's utterly bizarre that OP and her partner didn't do something earlier. When I read the opening post I assumed (wrongly) that this was a very new situation, but it's been going on for a year, so why not change schools in year 7 which is the normal change time, certainly it should have been done before the start of this academic year when he's in year 8.
Added to which OP said her partner has said things will change in 2024 so that's still possible.

“Families are about everyone”

But not the OP according to you. Mothers, especially new ones, can be vulnerable too.

Do you really andtruly believe that OP shouldpay out of her salary, to the detriment of her child, so thatone child out oftwo, can go to private school?

but she has no salary CynicalOne...she isn’t paying for it, DP is. It is her SMP she is talking about that pays for what, for some part of bills and food for SC I assume as she hasn’t been clear.

Well, she has said they live rurally. And I would think the question of who moved is relevant in terms of how this was planned and what the thinking was in being at a distance.

That post reads as an attack.
I have not posted my views
I have posted issues to be aware of.

Please don’t twist peoples words and attack them, it is extremely rude

I e copied your exact words. You said families are about everyone - that includes the OP. You said teenagers have vulnerable mental health - I pointed out that mothers do too.

I have not twisted your words in anyway, I have copied them exactly.

Sometimes decisions have to be made on what is better for the family as a whole, not just this is better for X so Y and Z need to suck it up!

OP how long has DSC been at the private school and how well would they adapt to a move do you think?

Just checked.

OP can expect to get £4,500 a year if he’s on 50k, £3,200 a year if it’s 35k… and he has baby 1-2nights a week. If he goes 50:50 it will reduce to £2250/£1500 respectively.

But all that can be argued on the basis of pre-existing financial commitments. And then they can get their employer to work with them to reduce maintenance too. Men are fantastically good at wiggling out of things.

This is a really tricky one.

For once, with the caveat that we don't know why the stepchild can't live with their mum, it seems like most adults are pulling in the same direction, which is to do their best for the child in question. You can't really fault any adult in this situation.

It's about money, and time. There's not enough to go around.

When one or both of these two resources are depleted, luxuries have to go. The school in question is a luxury: not just financially, actually more in terms of time given the toll it's taken on the marriage.

The reality is that the stepchild will need to leave this school, and the reason for this is because they've had to move out of their mum's home.

That's an awful situation for this poor child. Year 8 is not a good time to be doing this.

What a sorry situation.

@PotandKettle

Yes, new mothers can be vulnerable and deserve happiness and all the good things.

But a child’s needs have to come first.

Can you change the conversation to be, what is the best thing for your stepchild? There's a lot in your posts about why the current situation is wrong for everyone else, and not much about why they would benefit from attending a local school, having more free time and being less tired, making new friends, and being more settled locally, while still maintaining existing friendships. Not to mention that they won't get new shoes, clothes, enough food etc if there's no money after paying school fees - they suffer as much as the rest of the family from there being no money. Poor kid presumably has had a shitty time already, without being blamed for everyone else being miserable; of course they're going to cling to what's familiar and seems secure, now they're being told that's at risk without having any reassurance about the alternative and why it's a good thing for them rather than what works for everyone else...

And whilst I would normally agree with this sentiment, not in a situation where the only reason that child doesn’t want to move schools is because they’re worried about making new friends so they whole family is at a disadvantage and may potentially break down ultimately leading to the child potentially not being able to go to said school in the first place.

This is more nuanced than just ‘child comes first’. He has said he isn’t bothered about the school, so it’s purely social fears.

@Muddybooties

is it really a NEED to go to private school though? I think not.

@ProvincialLady1 where does she say she lives rurally? Quote her post please?

That's a really good point

I don't understand why you are still paying DSS's mum the same amount in 'maintenance'. She was paying half of school fees plus DSS's expenses of living with her. Now she doesn't have to pay those expenses can't you pay less? Does DSS see his mum atall?

The child has only been at this school for Year 7 and two months of Year 8! You’re making some pretty gross assumptions about @Morriet!

How do you know that his father hasn’t applied for child benefit? It takes time to come through because the usual resident parent will have to be written to, so that CHB can check that the child really is living with the other parent!

Where will this money for stamp duty and moving come from?

Why should OP be expected to get a different job, or increase her income? Surely it’s for the child’s birth mother to do this?

Perhaps, and I don’t think you’ve considered this, but just perhaps, OP could afford to send her child to private school, if she wasn’t having to pay for her partners first family!

I don’t think it’s OP’s responsibility to pay for her stepchild to be privately educated or to have to have to pay for increased fuel costs, wear and tear on the car etc., to the detriment of her own child! Her responsibility is to contribute to the family’s overall lifestyle, bills, shopping, etc. Not private education for one child whilst the other potentially goes without!

Babies aren’t babies forever! As they grow, the expense grows. Ballet lessons, gymnastics, music, cubs, scouts, etc., etc. So the OP is to tell her child that they can’t have those things because the DC’s sibling is getting all the money? Yeah, nah!

The DSS is not any more important than the baby. I can't understand why some posters think his needs are more important. That's just daft.

DP should stop all financial support of his ex and she'll have to find the money for all of the fees if she expects her DS to take precedence over his brother.

@CynicalOne Dc may only have been at the senior school for a year and a bit, but it's unclear when they were moved to private school. It's possible they have been there since junior school.

Hi op,
Please can you tell us more about why dss can't live with his mother?

Sounds like he has been through a traumatic change and it is probably in his best interest to stay in his school with his friends.

Unless DSS's mother is ill or in prison, could she not help with the commuting? Do a school pick up once or twice a week and drop him home to yours? Or what about the weekends- could she give him lifts to friends houses? Or could DSS go home with a friend and stay Friday night so that he can socialize with friends on Saturdays then he gets collected by his mum and dropped home to you?

I don't see how now paying for his food etc is such a big expense more now that it will make a huge difference but if you really really can't afford it as a family then he should leave at the end of year 8 and start looking at local schools to go to in year 9. I would really support him to keep in touch with his old pals on weekends though if he did it it's a terrible time for all these changes. If you pull him out do NOT tell him it's so that things can be fair for your new baby, as first of all this will be implying that private school is better yet you've decided to take it away and
Secondly he may resent your baby or you and you don't want that.

I also agree your DH should ask to see the schools account and tell the school that you are the resident parents now - she should be paying maintenance to your DH and he should be dealing with the school bills. She may have a low income- perhaps her boyfriend funds their home so all her income will go on half school fees?

I don't agree with the 'you can't put posh private school kids in a state school' if you live near a decent one. It's not 'the Inbetweeners' and I'm sure your dss isn't as dweeby and unlikable as Will!

Apologies, I read that it was a long way away, 45 minutes to a station and no other transport options so I may have made a false assumption- although tbf it wasn't the primary point I was making!

"Has your DH seen the school fees account? If the mum is on a low income she may be getting a means tested bursary based on her income alone, and therefore your DH's contribution is the fees being payed and she's actually paying very little herself. This could change if his permanent residence is now with his Dad who earns more than mum." This is what I have been yhinking as well. Tread carefully going to the school and finding out the situation as you may find the child is on a circa 50% bursary already that may be lessened if the go on husbands earnings (that maybe circa 100k as per previous posters estimates). The mother put all her maintenance on school fees (which she classed as ExH share) and then paid her share (which may or may not have been significantly reduced by a bursary). DM then paid nearly all living costs for OPs DSC until age 13ish.
All we know is OP puts her maternity pay in the family pot and previously did school runs. We do not know if she plans to go back to work etc or her hours etc. She and her DP may be able to afford private for DC 2 as DSC maybe at university etc on decent loans etc if going on DM "low income" if she works to pay half fees etc.(or DP gets more promotions etc). House and nearly all bills for everyone maybe paid by "DP" (or by OP ....nothing is clear).

Your first option should be to speak to the school. Well, for DH to speak to the school. Find out if there are any bursaries/scholarships and also if there are any other DCs coming from your area (you could possibly car share) and the nearest point the school bus comes (it could be an easier and shorter drop off than a train station).
Pupils often travel over an hour to private school. That means it's likely there will be other pupils travelling in from a similar area. It also means that the school buses often go out further than you'd expect. You and DH won't know who those pupils are and neither will his ex (because she lives near the school and has never had to think about it) but the school will be able to tell you if there are other pupils doing a similar commute and possibly even advise on how they manage it.
I know this doesn't solve your problem of not wanting the DC at private school and your feeling that DH has reneged on his commitment. But leaving his DM's home to live with you full-time points to a very stressful time for your stepDC. That's why I'd be inclined to let them stay at the private school (if even for a year) if it can be made more viable. Then, during that year, you start them in clubs local to where you live so they can build up friendships that would make a later move seem less daunting.

The upheaval, this child has already been through with divorce. Parents really don’t think they should be made to move schools as well. If there’s only other option, I’d suck it up.