To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Yes, in short OP YANBU.
Ignore the posters who seem to think it will destroy your Ss's life if he moves schools. People move from private to state all the time, or move countries, or move from one place to another. It doesn't have to be such a drama and has clear benefits for your stepchild if he goes to school locally to a good enough school. Hopefully he is a bit more robust than the children of some of the posters here who seem to think the world will fall apart if he doesn't get to go to a private school that his parents can't afford and that getting to and from is exhausting for everyone, least of all the child himself.

@ProvincialLady1 but there's no indication of who moved, and no indication that the OP lives rurally. That's your take on it.

The speculation and invention on this thread is amazing 😂

OP has already answered these questions. They only live 18 miles apart which is perfectly doable for usual residence/ access arrangements. And who says she lives in the middle of nowhere? The could just live in different towns with a slow bus service and no direct rail link.

You can't afford it!
It's to the detriment of the rest of the family. (Time/stress)

It's certainly a shame the stepson has to move schools. But that's clearly the best solution.

Why is your DH so adamant he stays? Is this to do with guilt? Pride? I

It's better to move him. That is way too much traveling. And better to move him now than in GCSE years.

Also it sounds like you are subsiding this whole situation.

It doesn't make sense for any of you - change is hard but that routine sounds awful!

@Muddybooties

And because she refuses to move closer to the boy’s school resulting in £400 transport costs.”

lol as if Op can just move like that! For most people it’s not so easy.

privileged much?!

@PotandKettle

From the first post

“In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result)”

If they split he will move to smaller, less costly accomodation and reduce his transport costs, overall saving £1000+ a month. Though he will have maintenance costs, the judge will take into account the fees being reasonable as long-standing and detrimental to remove the child coming up to key gcse years (by the time it gets to court). And if he earns under about 50k is living singly and has two kids to provide for he will receive some benefits.

So all in all I think OP has this “he will never survive without me” thing all wrong.

She has stopped recently - meaning prior to this she was doing it, and now she isn’t she has said her partner is stressed and exhausted. She also said this:

”If we weren’t together, DP couldn’t afford to solely facilitate this, either. That’s without taking into consideration any maintenance he’d have to pay to me.”

And before you say, oh but why would he move 45 mins away from his baby??

Well he did before, didn’t he, left him with the mother to look after, and was twice a month Funtime daddy. He’ll fall into that scenario easily.

The older child he has full time responsibility for, so he will move to be close to the school and that child’s life reducing costs. Simple.

How would it cut the burden in half?

It’s currently 45 mins to school and 45 mins back.

So instead of a 45 min journey to school, you want the OP’s DH to drive 45 mins to a train station, then 45 mins back?

I’m not seeing the logical here…

I also think some of the posters are just attacking @Morriet for the sake of it!

She has said that her DH is stressed out and moody, causing arguments between them and making the home an unharmonious environment, which is affecting both DC and the relationship between OP and DH!

I can well believe this, as before DH even starts work, he’s had a 90 min journey in school/rush hour traffic and then he gets to do it all over again at the end of the day!

@Morriet I really do think your DH needs to request copies of the invoices from school, because I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that DSC is on a large bursary and the school fees money that DH is paying his exW is actually her “low income” lifestyle! But then, I’m suspicious like that!

Again, this is all speculation. You’re just making stuff up. At no point has the OP said that HE moved. And you’re just making up that he will move again?!

I thought @Muddybooties did a really good analysis of what would happen if they split.
Looking at all OP posts it seems the kid has been at private for a while and dh has been paying and it’s just the kid moving house that it has become an issue so muddy boots run down is thorough and well thought through.

@PotandKettle

OP has no experience of being a single parent and the financial help available.

And she is presuming he would stay living in the same area with same commute.. I’m pointing out - repeatedly as it isn’t sinking in - that clearly if they split he would move near to the boys school. And that any maintenance she would expect to receive would be reduced on account of pre-existing financial commitments, the school fees included.

There is not a judge in the land that is going to recommend a child who’s had two broken homes is pulled from school. Wouldn’t happen. It’s a long standing commitment the OP was aware of from the beginning of their relationship..

Because DH has to drive back, so he does 4 trips per day!

45x4=180

180 minutes is 3 hours!

Why are you saying “clearly” like you have any idea what he’d do? OP said they can’t move so how do you know he couldn’t move even if they split?! You are filling in gaps with your own speculation. You’re literally making stuff up to fit your own narrative. And as her DP originally wanted to pull his stepson from the school and then changed his mind, all the stuff you keep saying about how he is determined is massively exaggerated.

Unless OP confirms all the things you’re saying, you can’t simply say ‘this is true’. You don’t know these people or their situation. So you can keep repeating yourself all you want, but it doesn’t make it any more true. And a judges judgement is irrelevant if DP doesn’t have the money.

@PotandKettle

The only reason he doesn’t have the money is because of the added transport costs and additional child related costs.

If he splits from her he will (provided he is not a very high earner) receive some sort of financial support, tax breaks and so forth as a single man supporting two kids.

And with the physical and financial strain related to the 45min transit, it is a no brainer that he would move to the older boy’s area to reduce it as he has full time custody….

I mean it isn’t complicated. And he will survive just fine if they split.

@Muddybooties - CMA is not reduced on account of private school fees for another child. It's based on income and number of children and number of overnights. She would get exactly the same maintenance whether he carried on with the private schooling or not.

And presumably if he moved closer to his son's school after a split( which there is no evidence he would do, don't forget they have a shared child, but let's imagine the stuff you've made up is correct), he'd likely have to have fewer overnights with their shared child as he would then be too far for that commute so she'd get more maintenance.

YANBU OP. I'd be reminding him that he can't afford any of this without your contribution, and should you leave he'll really be in the shit paying double maintenance on top of private school fees.

At the very least, separate your finances and leave the financial wellbeing of SC down solely to your husband and his ex, as it should be. If he wants to continue the set-up he can fund it himself.

Do you really and truly believe that OP should pay out of her salary, to the detriment of her child, so that one child out of two, can go to private school?

Personally I think the drip feeding is distorting everything.
Of course he can move if they split unless he’s a farmer or something….. I doubt we’ll ever really know.

As a theoretical case only
People move for school
Families are about everyone
Teenagers can be vulnerable
If OP isn’t happy and can’t cope for 4 years then she needs to decide how she can move on with this as her dh had a kid when they met.

It might be a ‘no brained’ to do, but you are not armed with all the facts, so you’re speculating. You don’t know why he cannot currently move, so maybe he won’t be able to move.

Also “Child maintenance payments are designed to cover the costs of a child's living expenses such as food and clothes, not school fees.”

So not even sure you are correct in your deductions.

The established costs of all children will count as an outgoing.
This includes private school fees.

@OnceUponAThread

basic child maintenance for an average earner on about £35k is only about 2.5k where most overnights are with mum.

This is probably less than he pays for his child currently.

I was more talking about money in addition to this or spousal maintenance that she might want to claim that would go through a court settlement.

Basic child maintenance is peanuts.

At the very least, separate your finances and leave the financial wellbeing of SC down solely to your husband and his ex, as it should be. If he wants to continue the set-up he can fund it himself.

I agree with this.