To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

@everythingthelighttouches

Yes I don’t understand this either… the step son will be at university stage at that point, he can have his address at mothers for the purposes of student finance to get max funding as she’s a low earner, letting his father off the hook…

The father is able to afford half payment for fees now, and OP is a professional woman in employment…

Mysterious.

Really! Presumably because they didn’t have the slightest idea that the DCs living relationship with his DM would break down. (Fairly unusual, surely). It was obviously financially viable enough to consider the luxury of private education when OP actually became pregnant!

It is a very recent drip feed that the OP is now contributing financially to the school fees (how much is unclear)

If I didnt miss a post, she isn’t, she is on maternity leave. It is unclear whether she worked, is planning to work, who the house belongs to, etc. She says she is contributing through her time and the mat leave goes to the family pot.

You need to keep your finances separate and only put enough money into the joint account for household bills (obviously a lot less than your partner because he earns more). Take your money out of the joint account. Today. Now.

Your step son's parents should be paying for the school fees and travel, NOT you.

It's not a drip feed, DSS was living with his mother until recently. The 18 mile school run and bringing to friends houses in old location didn't exist until recently.

I agree with PP OP. It's awful for your DSS but his mother has put you all in this situation and it can't continue, at best because you're part funding it and at worst because your family is struggling to make ends meet. Stop working from a shared pot, your DP can't expect you to fund something that you have no responsibility or resources to fund.

And your point is…?

She has said that without her financial contributions, stepson wouldn’t be able to go.

I’ve read everything.
I didn’t see anything about stepchild only being a year in private school.
They don’t run the same system as state schools.
If step child hasn’t moved to private in the middle of prep and started at the beginning he will have been there much longer .
If he has been there since pre prep that’s age 4, same as reception year.

Until recently (having a new baby) the father was paying half and the ex was paying half.

It is a very recent drip feed that the OP is now contributing financially to the school fees (how much is unclear)

I took it to mean that OP is paying the lions share housing and household costs which has given DH sufficient disposable income to pay for private education. The DP is paying all the school fees as the other half is coming from maintenance paid to the ex.

If anything, the mother should be paying CMS to your husband. I would get that remedied ASAP.

@PotandKettle

That not all of the kids who go to private school come from affluent backgrounds. Some do part time work to fund the extracurricular, some have bursaries, scholarships or other grants to help with fees.

It’s a bit of a mixed bag, but they are all held to the same standards, do the same work and tend to bond with team sports and the like within school.

There really wouldn’t be as much likelihood of bullying, and if it did occur not as extreme as you might expect elsewhere.

In any event, the child is happy and settled in his private school and is not being bullied despite a less wealthy background.

@Morriet

Why are you living so far away? Did you move, or did the mum move? Because it sounds like if you chose to live in the middle of nowhere at quite a distance from his mother and school, then you need to be the ones to move closer. It doesn't make sense to establish yourselves miles away and expect it to be plain sailing. That in itself puts pressure on your stepchild who will be stuck travelling between his mum and dad.

Honestly, he's been through enough upheaval and doesn't want to move schools at an awkward age when he's settled and has friends where he is.

You haven't even said what the schools are like local to you? The better ones will be harder to get into as he won't be joining in Year 7 like everyone else.

Added to that, you live rurally with poor transport links which isn't great for teenagers and might not be the best thing for your own child in the future.

I understand it's hard and it's all happened unexpectedly, but the solution is to move somewhere closer so you don't have the time and costs of all that travelling.

Obviously we don't know what created the situation where your stepchild had to move in with you full time, but is it possible that will calm down eventually? Could you be looking at every other week at some point in the future, in which case the pressure is not going to be the same. And presumably your income will go up when you return to work as well, so it might be that this is just a difficult patch to get through.

And not all state schools are like Grange Hill. And by your standards, the OPs stepson won’t be like Little Lord Flaunteroy.

And the OPs stepson has said he isn’t bothered by the private school, just doesn’t want to have to make new friends.

For the sake of four years, I would move heaven and earth to preserve that child's place in school tbh (and I disapprove of private education). It's the only bit of consistency in his life, and disrupting it now could be really damaging.

This. Surely preserving the one bit of stability he has is the priority? It's not forever, and it's quite possible he will end up back with his mum at some point anyway.

Agree.
Im finding the situation keeps changing with updated posts
The original post seems to make it clear.

@PotandKettle

I’m sorry but I stand by my opinion that the child has been put through enough and does not need anymore disruption in life. And that social cohesion, particularly if he has been private from pre prep or prep school, in a state school could be difficult.

His school life and social life are stable.

Why rock the boat and create even more problems for him and the whole family longterm.

There are so many options to exhaust prior to removing him from the school.

Still not answered whether or not your husband has seen an invoice for the fees. I think he should contact the school and explain he has been paying some of the fees through mum. Child is not living with him and he would like the total fee amount confirmed. Then get mum to pay HIM her contribution and he pays the school directly. I suspect there’s something going on with these fees. It just doesn’t add up.

And I said I agree with exploring those options.

But you are not acknowledging that if the OP chooses to leave because the situation is too much for her, then he won’t be able to go to the school anyway. If they struggle to afford it, especially when fees increase, he won’t be able to go anyway. If OP goes back to work and cannot help with lifts any more the. He may no longer be able to go anyway. There is more to this than just asking about a bursary.

Now living with him (not was an autocorrect)

This reads like projection to me. The OP hasn't said anything to this effect.

The DP was paying maintenance to ex wife. Ex wife chose to use this for private school fees. Now DSS lives with OP, DP receives no maintenance but still has to pay all costs plus half private school fees.

Quite right.
OP created the post last night.
Im hoping her dh has contacted the school to arrange a meeting ( to offset travel expenses ) or they are considering the option of moving.
Im guessing dh moved away from his original family home with his ex and child.
It’s not unusual for families to move because of school.

The husband/partner is doing all the lifts to and from school @PotandKettle .

If they split he will move into a small flat closer to the boys school slashing his costs.

In calculating maintenance for OP, the court will take into account the older child’s needs too, the long standing private school attendance and limited time of 4 years left. In fact by the time any settlement and proper establishment of maintenance is done the boy may be some way into this 4yrs. The boy’s father can also plead poverty to the school and get help or defer payment of fees. May even use part of his payout from sale of house to pay it.

In short, he seems determined to go this route for his son, and if he splits with OP I don’t see that changing, in fact it will probably make it easier for him.

I understand that but I don't see how I'm projecting. At some point the decision was made not to live a convenient distance from the other parent and the child's school. If OP and her partner moved away, it's doubly unfair that the stepson has to suffer for it. I don't know if that's the case, so I'm asking.

I'm asking about local schools because 'move schools' is pretty nebulous unless you know where he's going to end up. It could be a great option, or it could be a bit of a shithole (although either way it's not prioritising the stepson's mental health, which I imagine is pretty battered already).

Living rurally (with poor transport links) is also a lifestyle choice which has major downsides for children's ability to create a bit of independence and socialise, which becomes more important as they get older. So I'm questioning whether that's the best thing in the long-term.

Ultimately someone needs to put the child first, he's been through a lot already and is very vulnerable.

I can’t believe you’re getting such a hard time OP. You are not responsible for any of the disruption that SC has been put through presumably - that’s down to the parents. You’ve stepped up to be a resident parent with no qualms, supporting DP with childcare.

But the move of location and the subsequent costs changes everything. The parents can’t expect to change living arrangements and nothing else changes. It has a clear consequence.

As I said before, research local schools, see where DS could go, do the sums and present a firm plan. The SC will be anxious but if they can be reassured with an actual new school, they will accept it more easily.

And if you’re struggling now, wait until a year’s time when Labour introduce VAT on fees and you’re faced with having to move DS in year 9 or 10. There are tough times ahead for this sector and they’re already planning for it.

No, he isn’t, she has said she does some too. And he doesn’t ‘seem determined’ he has changed his mind about it, he seems wishy washy about it all. And how will it make it easier for him considering OP has said without her contributions of both time and financial he wouldn’t be able to send his stepson? You aren’t reading everything b and just twisting things to fit your own narrative.