To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

So when the child lived with his mother, they paid half each of the school fees and no money for other living expenses changed hands? And now the child lives with his father, they pay half each of the school fees and no money for other living expenses changes hands?

For the sake of four years, I would move heaven and earth to preserve that child's place in school tbh (and I disapprove of private education). It's the only bit of consistency in his life, and disrupting it now could be really damaging.

I would sit down and have a talk with your DH. He should be more understanding. It makes absolutely no sense to send step ds to private school (heck lets even leave out of the equation the word step). It makes no sense to send one dc to private school if you cannot afford it comfortably and if the travel is causing so much stress and strain on the family. You also need to think of your other dc, who will want to do activities eventually (sport, music or whatever). These things all add up and cost money.

A compromise needs to be made, why should it be everyone else making sacrifices? Also, switching schools does not have to be a terrible thing. My dc was in a school 20 minutes walk away and I decided to switch her into a school 5 minutes walk away.....BEST decision ever. I was so worried about making the switch because she was happy in the current school and had friends. But I did it and never looked back. It was not just the distance that was a positive for the switch...there were other reasons as well. Dd understood this so was fine to switch. Dc can adapt. In my experience it is how you sell the idea. I was so happy and so excited to get dd in the school closer (for a variety of reasons) that my excitement and enthusiasm rubbed off on my dd and she was happy about it.

You’ve rather invented a lot of this.

Yes OP’s DH needs to talk to the school and as I said unthread, there is something highly suspicious about the ex’s financial situation, but him getting a bursary won’t change the travelling. And when OP goes back to work, will she still have find 3 hours a day to do the ferrying? On top of work and collecting their other child from childcare? She has said that stepchild isn’t even bothered about the school, just scared of not making new friends. This situation is impractical. Suggesting they move house is so stupid, it’s expensive and OP has already said they’re struggling financially.

Op has a right to happiness but beyond that she has a responsibility to all the children in her family.

I was thinking of urban day schools many of which start at 11.

She has said she is struggling so much she has contemplated leaving. Then stepson won’t be able to go to the private school because she facilitates that both with her time and money.

So what’s best, he has two broken families and no private school, or he may have to potentially move if all other avenues are exhausted?

Now they have probably the guts of £400 a month in additional costs to look after the boy + transport £400. So about 10k extra a year.

If that’s the only cost of keeping a child, I wonder why absent parents have to pay maintenance!

OP has already said they can't afford to move and that her DP can't afford for it to continue without her subsidising it. Not just while she's on mat leave.

Surely the people making the effort to look into the options should be her DP and his ex. But why would they bother when they can just use OP.

It is ridiculous to think that anyone would prioritise a luxury expense for someone else's child at the expense of their own child.

Can you get a cheaper to run car?

OP part of the issue here is you only have experience of parenting a baby and now more recently the stepchild…

You haven’t done all the early birthday party, extracurricular, holiday scheme merry-go-round yet and believe me it is an eye opener when you compare the different groups of kids and the interactions.

Our DC go to a school in a naice area, it is essentially private through the house prices being through the roof in the surrounding area.

We tried sending them to a few summer schemes in state school areas, they were subjected to bullying on account of accent and manners, physical violence and taught appalling language to boot…. Needless to say, we were then much more selective as to where to send them.

You are literally going to be sending Little Lord Fauntleroy to Grange Hill. It won’t work.

For the sake of four years, I would move heaven and earth to preserve that child's place in school tbh (and I disapprove of private education). It's the only bit of consistency in his life, and disrupting it now could be really damaging.

I would say the consistency in his life is his DF and SM. If that unit breaks up he’ll have neither a settled home nor a private education.

@SamPoodle123 By the time her DC will be at school, the stepson will have completed school!!!

But what about the flip side of this too? Where the stepson can’t join in with all the expensive fancy stuff because his family won’t have the money to do so? He’ll be the odd one out at his current school and potentially bullied for that.

A lot of this stems from the injustice she feels that child 1 goes to private school and child 2 (hers) won’t.

Complete red herring that one poster brought up that others have decided to run with!

Such a snobbish and fantastical projection - the OP has said nothing about the state schools available in her area.

Sorry but what have I read?! "Like sending Little Lord Fauntleroy to Grange Hill"? 😂

Schools take on the demographics of their areas.

Like many in our area my DC will be switching from private to state at 11. Her most likely secondary doesn't have a pool, but it's hardly Grange Hill!

Of course you can change a year 8s school.

Sounds like you're all going to need the money for therapy tbh.

@truetruebarneymcgrew

I also don't understand how he thought it would be financially viable to have another child, when it was obvious things were economically tough with his first born?

Me either!

Definitely talk to the school.

Mother's situation is fishy, I wonder if there is a bursery or scholarship involved. In any event you should be paying the fees direct to the school to provide the child and yourselves with protection against her stopping paying.

I would also suggest talking to them about whether there are any other avenues for help with fees or whether there is any school transport available, even if it doesn't come to you it might be closer than driving all the way to school.

Finally have you looked into season tickets for the train? This could save you the driving time on school days and weekend/holidays.

Why won’t your baby be able to go to private school when the time comes OP??

You’ve mentioned twice that this is the case and you think it’s unfair.

But why not??

Obviously not knowing (or needing to know) what went on so it may not be appropriate but could the child’s mother do some of the driving?

OP, I haven't read the whole thread but if it hasn't been pointed out already, you refer to him as dp not dh. So you are ploughing all your money and time into supporting the lifestyle of a man and his child, when that man isn't even your husband and has no legal obligations towards you!

It's time to stop sharing all your money - if your partner cannot afford private school and his share of living costs for both of his children, then he's living above his means and needs to adjust. He cannot insist on private school if he cannot afford it without you covering his other costs!

You've had some good advice on here to look into what financial help the mum might have been receiving towards all this. You never know.

She said because they can’t afford it!! If they can barely send the first one how are they going to send the second? Half of the fees are being paid by the ex, the half his father is paying is also funded by the OP, so clearly they couldn’t afford it between them two alone.

@PotandKettle

Relative of mine worked in private education and ran a ski trip.

Some of the kids came in with a coutts cheque to pay in full immediately, others came in with weekly instalments accrued from their paper round and Christmas/Birthday money.

I should have said, what about when the second dc wants to do any activity at all? Many dc do activities before they start school. So the youngest should not be given the same opportunities since the older one demands to attend a school they can no afford?

My youngest dc already has done ballet, gymnastics, football, ball sport and she is only 3! She has not stuck with everything, but tends to do two activities a term. When she was younger she did baby music class and another baby type exercise class. Anyway, of course it is not necessary to do these things, but I can guarantee you the op will probably feel sad and huge resentment if she is not able to do these types of things with her dc if she wants to because they have to foot the bill for the eldest to attend school.....

So the OP isn’t as wealthy as the ex???

So could never have afforded to send her child to private school?

This just seems like a massive red herring to me.

The OP keeps saying it’s not fair and for some reason this just grates with me.

Until recently (having a new baby) the father was paying half and the ex was paying half.

It is a very recent drip feed that the OP is now contributing financially to the school fees (how much is unclear)