To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

If you uproot him from the private school and send him to the local comp, you could end up with another level of trouble. I took my son out of private school at age 13 (I was a single parent and it was sacrifice the school or the roof over our heads). He was eaten alive by bullies at the comprehensive, dropped out of school and developed a whole host of behavioural problems. Thirteen is a very difficult age for change and it already sounds like he's had major changes in his life. Looking back, I would rather have lived in a tent than gone through the subsequent trauma which nearly destroyed both our lives.

I agree with this and also the other poster who emphasised this kid moved house, moved in with step mother, god knows what happened to the mother, mother has new boyfriend then now they want to take him away from his friends.

If I were you OP I’d stay well out of this. If the kid develops problems, it will be your fault. And it really will be, if you are the only one who wants the kid out of the school.

I absolutely agree with this.
Our prep head retired and moved his daughter to a state school as her fees at private were fully funded. She lasted a term or two. She became withdrawn and anorexic due to bullying and started not going at all.
He moved her to a local private school ( they’d moved house too ) and she thrived.
Its not just the loss of friends and difference in curriculum, there are so many subliminal differences and at 13 you really are imbedded.

The problem with that is that it could open a further can of worms because there could be already be a bursary based on his DM’s low income as a single mum. The existing bursary could be reduced meaning greater expense to make the school even more untenable.

Having said that, I do think the DH should contact the school and explain he is the resident parent and take it from there. Then stop paying the maintenance. It might mean the school is no longer affordable at all. But better have things sorted now than leave it to a crisis point.

@Muddybooties

what do you think op should do ? Live off beans and toast and wash her hair in washing up liquid or something to save money to keep the current school arrangement as it is?

You sound terribly demanding.

yeah I am, when it comes to children’s mental health, especially ones who suffered recent family trauma. Sorry about that.

Yup, agree with this. You need to do something about it. The expenses will only get more as your dc gets older. What will you do when your dc wants to start sports or activities out of school? You won't be able to afford this if spending everything on private education. It is a luxury your step ds does not need.

It sounds like your dh and his ex need to realize this. If they do not take son out, I would walk away from the equation and they will have to take him out. Think of your dc because at the moment no one else is....

Really? Circumstances change and they need to make the best decision for the family.

Is it fair that one child gets to go to a private school while the other doesn't?

Is it fair that the family finances is strained including OPs to support the kid in private school?

Is it fair that DP is so stressed with all the commute to school and to the kids friends which impacts the family and time spent with the other child?

Is it fair that OP now has to spend so much time and effort support her DSS to go to a private school that they can't afford which is so far away it requires 3 hours drive every single day?

Is it fair that they are now saddled with paying the fees which they can barely afford and also being fully responsible for the child's day to day costs while his mother does not contribute at all?

As OP has said her DP cannot afford to keep the boy in the school without her income sks she is pretty much subsidizing his private school education at the expense of her own child.

what if they find they can’t afford to continue the fees? What if all the stress is too much for everyone?

What if the OP leaves? Then the stepson won’t be able to go to the private school because the OP is partly paying and he has another broken home.

There’s a lot of catastrophising on the side of the child, but not on the rest of the family. There is more at stake here than just the child having friends. Even the stepson has said he doesn’t care for the school, just his friends

You are absolutely right.
The original post has morphed and I’m not sure now what the real issue is.
Is there some drip feeding here, I don’t know. But a childs mental well-being needs to be at the forefront of their fathers thoughts here.

The father needs to talk to the school and sort this out.

So what happens then if other poster decides to move on with her life and step out of the equation (leave her dh)? They rely on her to send the step son to private school and this is not right. She is being tied down to paying/contributing for something she does not want. Better they make a compromise because if OP in the end decides to leave because her needs/baby needs are not being met or are being overlooked then things will be far worse for step child then going to state school. If OP walks away there will be no private school, the homelife will be a mess etc. Everyone needs to make compromises here...for the family....not just for one dc. I would not be suprised if OP eventually leaves her dh out of frustration over the years for putting one child above the other and making their lives far more difficult then it should be.

I think your partner is being massively unreasonable.
You can't afford to fund the private school and it's also causing problems financially and in your relationship.
He initially agreed to the moving of schools but is now doing a u-turn on that.
I'd be blunt and ask him how he's going to fund this situation then without it compromising his partner and other child as well.

Lots of children move schools! And as I said previously, it's better for DSS to move early on in secondary because it will be way easier to have weekend plans with friends he makes at the new school.

If your partner (and therefore you) and the ex can't afford the private school then you can't afford private school. End of.

@Morriet

So is the issue that you’re on maternity presently and this is making everything a bit tight?

When do you go back to work, will this make a difference?

Have you thought about the practicalities of you living where you are for your own offspring into the teen years? If it is so difficult to get transport to other places is this going to be practical later? If not, why not move now?

I can see your point of view, but really and truly the kid has been through enough turmoil and if they end up with mental health problems and poor exam results that will have a negative impact on your child growing up. A depressed sibling stuck at home for an elongated period requiring financial assistance into adulthood is no fun for anyone either.

If both of the parents and the child want him to remain at his current school, the main thing you can do is try and alleviate the financial problems by contacting the school to discuss bursaries, longer repayment plan etc as others have suggested, to get promotion for you and DH, to try and get money out of the mother (although someone pointed out she has been covering day to day living costs and now covers half fees… so not much of a leg to stand on there). Ideally you need to move.

@SamPoodle123

I would not be suprised if OP eventually leaves her dh out of frustration over the years for putting one child above the other and making their lives far more difficult then it should be.

I already feel like this, having had to tolerate this situation for a year. The only thing that was keeping me together was DPs promise that our stepson would start state school in 2024, which he has now reneged on.

If you don't do what the Op wants she's leave and make everyone sorry ? Not terribly mature

So she should be miserable, stressed and exhausted purely so her stepson can go to a private school he isn’t even that bothered about? Come on.

Where on earth did she say that! Reading comprehension has really gone down the drain.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and work out what you need his contribution to be to cover his share of the costs of his family with you. He will then know if after that he can afford the school fees or not.

I know this goes against the favoured model of 'family money' but when there's a dispute between partners and one needs to service the costs of another family that isn't the responsibility of the new partner, there isn't really another way that is fair to all.

DP and the child’s biological mum need to have a proper conversation here. Aside from the time issue, which is substantial, the only thing that has changed financially in the overall scenario is DP now having to fund the transport costs of commuting to a school further away. Maybe the mum needs to pay a bigger share of the school fees since she is now saving money on food etc for child?

I’d also want to see a school fees invoice to understand if there is any bursary etc here.

OP, you clearly feel it js unfair that DS should get a private education whilst your DC will not, and I can understand that. However, DS’s mum is funding half the fees; if you want similar education for DC then you need to find a way of doing the same in time.

Exactly, @CecilyP , they can’t tiptoe around this issue- either the school can help significantly more or they can’t send the child there anymore.

It’s crappy but that’s life. I have a feeling that if the child is happy and settled, the school will pull out all the stops to keep them there (if they’ve got the bursary money available).

@ManchesterLu Five different independent schools mini-buses pass through our small village daily. Living near the border of two counties means we tend to be on the edge of the furthest bus routes. Dd1 does a very similar journey, so I’m not sure what your point is.

You missed it; it’s not a boarding school!

This has been going on for a year? I think that should have been in the OP, along with the fact your maternity pay is being eaten up by having stepson at private. But if it's been going on a year, I don't understand why your husband has reneged on his original deal, to be fair it's not 2024 yet, so maybe he was thinking in September 24?
I also don't understand how he thought it would be financially viable to have another child, when it was obvious things were economically tough with his first born? Think your partner is an irresponsible prat to be honest, not surprised his first marriage failed. I'd get the hell out of it OP.

Very few private schools have the same set up as state ie you move schools in year 7 ( with 5-7 yrs at senior school. )

Most have pre prep, prep and senior.
Some may not have a pre prep in which case it’s just prep and senior.

The chances are he/she will have been there at least since the start of prep.

@aswarmofmidges

this!

life is too short to be miserable! Op has a right to happiness same as everyone else.

@HeckyPeck

The reason they are left with pennies is because she is on maternity.

And because she refuses to move closer to the boy’s school resulting in £400 transport costs.

Prior to the boy moving in with them the father was managing to find the school fees fine and it was an expected cost.

Now they have probably the guts of £400 a month in additional costs to look after the boy + transport £400. So about 10k extra a year.

What they should be doing is looking to increase income, changing housing, speaking to the school regarding bursaries and other financial support. Even insuring that the child benefit is paid to them would give another grand.

But all of that takes energy and it is easier for the stepmother to throw the hands up and pull the child out of school than face adjustment to her life and admin headaches over a few months.

A lot of this stems from the injustice she feels that child 1 goes to private school and child 2 (hers) won’t.

Why would she put herself out to provide a better standard of education for the stepchild if her child is not to receive the same.