To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

If your DP insists on bankrupting himself while being unpleasant and argumentative towards you instead of changing DSS’s school, it isn’t unreasonable to tell him you are thinking about leaving him. Hopefully he will want to stay with you and work things out, but I think he’s being ridiculous to insist on private education involving huge travel costs, while also still paying maintenance to his ex. Circumstances have changed which means his payments have to reduce or stop to his ex.

YANBU

Time is of the essence here. Your husband needs to decide soon whether your SS moves schools. If he decides in one year that commuting to the current school is just too difficult it will have far more repercussions.

Surely it is up to OP if her DP+ his ex couldn't afford it without her though?

It really doesn’t sound like private school local or otherwise is affordable for you.

dont feel bad about that op.

he will be fine

We never expected to have dSC living with us so to accuse us of having a baby without thinking it through is unfair

This suggests the expences were fine when you decided to have your child. This has only changed because you now have your dsc living with you.

so there are three issues here

• general living expences as dsc is now living with you. As the mother has been paying those ( excluding travel) up to this point, and the child is now 13 surely it’s time the father now pays that extra amount.
• travel expences. £400/month. I’m assuming this is whilst the kid is at school. So as private schools have long holidays this is about £3500/yr. ( approx ) Perhaps you could ask for the same sum to be taken off the fees for you to pay later. So over 4 years you would have a bill of £14,000 to pay over an extended period of time. Schools will allow this, if you ask. They may insist on a Charge on your property to make sure you don’t default.
• travel time. Your dh is happy with this and whilst it’s a pane it’s nothing different from what a lot of people do every day to commute to work. Alternatively you move nearer. Youve mentioned you can’t but an awful lot of parents move for schools

As you find yourself now a family if four and not three you are, nevertheless, a family of four. With the older child already settled in a school for some time it is , I would say, important to maintain that and not uproot them. Especially as so far it doesn’t seem from your post OP that all the options available have been addressed in order to keep them at their school.
The easy option is not always the best for all the family.

DP couldn’t afford to have stepson living with him (living costs), continuing to pay maintenance to ex (private school fees) and travel expenses, without both my financial and physical support. I do all of the childcare for stepson and our DC (apart from the commute). DP could not manage the childcare with his work. Additionally, my maternity pay goes into the family pot, which is being depleted to pennies every month to fund school fees/travelling/living costs… so no, DP couldn’t afford to do this single-handedly.

Have you talked to the school, is there any pastoral solution, like staying with a house master on Monday to Thursday ?

Without boarding there won’t be a housemaster.

Given that, I think you should tell your partner that you want to move to separate finances. Either paying joint bills proportionately to income or you each get half after joint bills, whichever works out fairest. School fees + travel wouldn't be joint bills.

I'd then get your pay paid to your own account and transfer in your share each month.

I'd probably give a couple of months notice to give him time to set something else up depending on his attitude to it all.

He really can't think it's fair that you have to pay for a very expensive luxury for his child, but then be left with pennies each month for you and your joint child.

45 minutes there and back in the morning = 1 hour 30

repeat for pick up.

3 hours a day.

Does he have a friend who lives near by who could put him up Monday - Friday morning? You'd pay the family.

Drop him at school on Monday and pick him up Friday.

I don’t think he should remain in the school purely because he has friends. Sorry, but I think that’s extreme. Yea friends are important, but they make and break them constantly at that age.

What matters most is about a) his education and b) functioning as a family unit. If you’re all stressed and worrying about money purely because they’re worried he won’t make new friends, that’s crazy. He will make friends. Will it be a bit harder? Yes, but he will get there.

Which schools do you know that offer a bus service for a child that lives 45 minutes away?

So, if travel is out of this equation and there is a local private what’s then your take on it?

If everyone is disagreeing with you in your family, what will be your position?

It's baffling really that the DP allowed his DS to be enrolled in private school in the first place with such precarious finances on both sides.

He made a serious mistake and now doesn't want to face up to reality.

With your updates it doesn't seem like there is much option except to move DSS school.

It sounds as if DP is a bit of a weak man, with his DS paying the price.

@Ktime the reason he can’t afford it is because they are living an hours drive from the school and they did not budget for the costs of caring for both children prior to getting married.

Now they need to reorganise. And it is unfair to deprioritise the older child’s schooling that is established.

@SocksAndClogs No issue with a local private, as long as DP and stepchild’s mum can solely afford it by themselves. I still find it unfair on our own DC, as they won’t get a private education, but such is life.

As I’ve explained, it’s not about a local private or local state. It’s about not wanting to move schools at all, no matter what.

If you uproot him from the private school and send him to the local comp, you could end up with another level of trouble. I took my son out of private school at age 13 (I was a single parent and it was sacrifice the school or the roof over our heads). He was eaten alive by bullies at the comprehensive, dropped out of school and developed a whole host of behavioural problems. Thirteen is a very difficult age for change and it already sounds like he's had major changes in his life. Looking back, I would rather have lived in a tent than gone through the subsequent trauma which nearly destroyed both our lives.

Oh no. Nope. No chance pal.
That is all well and good while your baby is a baby, but soon your baby will have inconvenient needs and expenses of their own.
Does your DH really expect you to fund some kind of Prince and the Pauper farce, handing your own child the shitty end of the stick?
Bad enough if he's directing all his money to 1/2 of his children, but to expect you to fund this at the expense of your own with no say in the matter is completely outrageous.
Hold the line,OP. You need to look out for your baby because Daddy certainly isn't.

@PotandKettle

You’re right, I would be saying for them to pull their child out of private school if they had money issues… but that would be because the private school would likely be local to them thus social connections could be maintained and because their child has a secure family environment with two parents together.

This child has endured parental separation and divorce, remarriage of the father, new boyfriend for the mother, god knows what horrors to lead to him having to leave his mother, a new half sibling demanding attention…

And now they want to pull him out of school, away from all the caregivers giving support there and his entire social network.

It is an entirely different scenario.

The child has been out through enough crap on account of selfish adults.

it is ok to change secondary schools, if you do it before the start of yr 10 there is no reason it should impact grades. Doing it before kids even take their options is not that big of a deal. It isn't ideal to change schools right now just like it isn't ideal for your parents to get divorced or to have a really dramatic shake up in living arrangements. But kids are resilient and it's really not that big of a deal.

You sound terribly demanding. OP has come back to an awful lot of questions and is not prioritising yours. OP has now explained that the change station is the same distance as the drive to school , so there would be nothing to be gained by driving there. The 90 minute drive is her DP driving there and back. I’m sure a 10 minute drive, 20 minute round trip would be fine and I’m sure you know that too! A 1.5 hour round trip not so m.

What do you expect OP to do then? Continue to fund her stepsons private education and be left with pennies each month for herself and their joint child?

I agree adults have been selfish here, but it's her stepsons parents not OP. They shouldn't have enrolled him in private school with such precarious finances and her partner demanding that OP continues to pay for it at the expense of her and their joint child is incredibly selfish and entitled!

Sorry if I missed it, but although more money, could he not board some of the days? The overall cost of food and petrol would balance that out somewhat!

I don’t know much but pulling the kid out of school now through no fault of his is very unfair