To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

This is ridiculous. Why should the poster suffer because of the step child's irresponsible mother and father? They should not have put the dc in private school in the first place if they were going to be scrimping by. The poster would not have put her own kids in private, as she knows they could not afford it. Now the circumstances have changed for the dc, making it even more of a burden sending dc to private. The dc will be fine moving to state, especially if the home life is a happy one. It makes absolute sense to take him out of private for many reasons. Perhaps dh could offer the dc something as compensation for making the switch to help soften the blow.

I am desperately trying to avoid being outing. Stepchild living with his mum full time again is not an option. Even if we could agree to say, 50/50, that agreement would be so tenuously unreliable, we couldn’t reliably trust or plan in any agreement like this. We have to assume stepchild will be with us full time, and it’s better for their home life stability.

Is there a school near to you that’s private? Then you could still save money on the travel?

Is there another relative of very close friend your stepchild could stay with 2 nights a week or something?

I appreciate these aren’t great options, just trying to think of anything that could help reduce your costs etc. It’s a rubbish situation OP and I can’t believe some posters are disagreeing with you.

Look I don’t mean to state the glaringly obvious…. But whenever you take on somebody who has pre-existing children, you always have to take into account the affordability of caring for those existing children in entirety - the mother could die or as has happened in your case the child could come to live with you at a later point full time.

In your haste to bag the relationship/marriage/baby you don’t seem to have computed this very straightforward common sense into your financial equations. Taking it for granted that the birth mother would take the bulk of the responsibility while you would step in for a fun weekend twice a month.

What a nasty way of expressing it! And, if they had gone with the ‘what ifs’ at the time then the DP would not have indulged his exes wish for a private education that they could not afford. Doubt if OP had much say in the decision and It doesn’t sound like her DP could have agreed to this at all without OPs income either

However, they didn’t take this sensible course of action so now have to work with the situation they have.

You need to contact the school then. You don't even have any idea if the child already has a part bursary.

Can you work out what your fair share of the joint bills would be (not inc the fees etc) and point out to your husband exactly how much you are subsidising him at the expense of yourself and your joint child.

I would do that and then say I'll only be subsidising him say until the end of this term/easter hols and he and his ex will have to make a plan between them re how they will continue on from then.

"Is there a school near to you that’s private? Then you could still save money on the travel? "

“what does the child want?"

op has been asked these questions and doesnt answer.

45 mins to train is better than 90 mins though isn’t it OP? So there is a solution. It is just that you dont want this one.

finally, if you are living in such a remote villagey location, the assertion that the kid should just make local friends isn’t holding much is it.

this was the arrangement from the beginning. The mum, the dad and the child all want it to continue, even if it is difficult. only you dont? is that right?

Absolutely!
The bursar will prioritise a change in circumstance!
Usually a parental death takes priority but any financial change is definitely worth discussing with the school.
They may also offer weekly boarding along with reduced fees. Or delayed payment. The delayed payment can mean you stretch the costs over a longer period of time with some schools even agreeing payment is made via a charge on property at death. I’m sure some MN may find this invasive but a lot of schools will allow this if a child has already been at the school for a long time.

DH and his ex need to speak to the school.

No where does it state that OP is getting an income from paid work (and she may be on maternity, she does not say age of "baby"). She may be facilitating her DSC remaining at the school by looking after baby during the days etc. (Which is a lot of work).

I wonder if they go through with the DF taking over the paying of the school fees it may trigger a reassessment of any bursary that may have been made covering the DMs half of the school fees as she is on a "low income". If the idea was to pay all maintenance for school fees then I think that is a valid choice of hers. She also covered living expenses of the child (as maintenance all went on school fees).

Seems the father, mother and possibly the DSC (who I believe no one has asked- but can fully understand why they would not want to upset further a child that has been through so much) all want cheld at yhe school.

I do know of boys who have moved in year 8 and they have all settled well. I agree with others who say move him now. You want him settled before GCSE options. The current situation is simply not sustainable for your family unit.

It's fair enough if the mum and dad want their child to stay in the school, but they should pay for it. They don't get to dictate how OP spends her money.

OP has mentioned that her partner wouldn't be able to afford to pay the fees etc without her.

Yes definitely need to leave - I would tell the mother that you will stop paying at the end of the school year and that you can no longer facilitate the travel so you will be giving notice with a view to moving from September of Y9.

@SocksAndClogs It would be 45 minutes at least to drive to the station. If we’re being sensible, they should really aim for the earlier train, as rush hour traffic can be unpredictable. So that’s still a long drive and both of them leaving at a silly time. Then, once they get to the station, it’s a half an hour commute on the train from there. It doesn’t cut the commute time at all. Do you really think this is a sensible solution?

OP - it is better than the 90 min drive. it reduces your burdens by half.

What is a reasonable commute for you then considering his well being? 10 mins? would that cut it?

You still aren’t answering a) if there is a private school near you and b) if everyone else wants it to continue but you only dont.

finally, if you are living in such a remote villagey location, the assertion that the kid should just make local friends isn’t holding much is it.

You’re wrong. I stayed in rural Oxfordshire in the summer. There are loads of small towns and large villages with terrible slow transport links to other places but plenty of local population.

Would you give the same response if the child in question was the OPs and her partners and she was saying she wanted to pull him and her husband didn’t? No, absolutely not, you’d be saying the child should be pulled without thought.

Well quite! And surely no family, except the exceptionally rich, would consider private education if the thought about all the possible ‘what ifs’.

That would make sense if they could afford the same private school for both kids. Doesn't make sense to move him to another private school while their other child goes to a different free school.

And from what I've read DS mother expect them to continue to indirectly lay for the school fees while also being responsible for the child's upkeep since he is with them full time.

So she does not contribute anything or help with the school run etc yet demands the child goes to private school and be driven 45 minutes each way. Yeah, NO.

Heckypeck, I'm not the first to question the OPs choice of wording ....
From OPs post:

Morriet · Today 12:09

"If we weren’t together, DP couldn’t afford to solely facilitate this, either. That’s without taking into consideration any maintenance he’d have to pay to me."

Another previous poster gently questioning OP:

"What do you mean by him not being able to afford it if you weren't together? Are you paying towards the school fees and/or travel costs?"

No response from OP. Facilitating can be doing lifts (which she's said are hard on her)and looking after the baby for longer whilst DP is away.

@SocksAndClogs I think you are misunderstanding. It makes no difference. The options are:

• 45 minute each way drive to the school. 3 hours in total driving per day.
• 90 minute train ride from our local station.
• 45 minute commute to the station in the town, then 30 minute commute for stepchild on the train. So DP would still be driving for 3 hours per day.

Stepchild wants to stay at their current school, obviously. DP was prepared to move them, and that was the plan all along since stepchild came to live with us, but he has just changed his mind.

Moving to a local private school is not relevant, it’s not that DP or stepchild is desperate to be at private school, it’s that DP worries they won’t make friends in any different school etc etc. Even though lots of children move school and it’s absolutely fine.

How is 45 mins each way 3 hours driving?

Your husband needs to recognise that realistically you cannot afford to continue with the private school. Once he has accepted that reality , you can discuss with step son.

45 minutes each way in the morning to drop him and come back home, 45 minutes each way in the afternoon to pick him and come back home.

I dont think a local private school is irrelevant at all. Why did the kid go to a private school in the first place? Was it because existing schools in their locality were not good enough and your own locality is? Or was it a mutual decision with the mum and dad for whatever else reason they believed in. If the second, your opinion here on private schooling or whether your own goes or not, doesnt matter, their choices should be respected. Your opinion on whether this is too burdensome to do doesnt matter unless you are driving.

So everyone wants this to continue you dont. I think you need to respect the parents and the kid’s choices here.

Lots of children move school and that’s fine is a non argument. It isn’t up to you, and you can’t guarantee it. Many kids do fine many dont.

If the kid’s performance drops, will you take responsibility for it?

Oh that's true. I'd assumed OP meant he wouldn't be able to afford it because OP also has an income.

Even if OP is a SAHP, I don't think her partner should get to unilaterally decide how the household income is spent.

Furthermore, you initial argument why the private school became unaffordable was the commute. If there is a local school, that argument does not hold anymore.