To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Look I don’t mean to state the glaringly obvious…. But whenever you take on somebody who has pre-existing children, you always have to take into account the affordability of caring for those existing children in entirety - the mother could die or as has happened in your case the child could come to live with you at a later point full time.

In your haste to bag the relationship/marriage/baby you don’t seem to have computed this very straightforward common sense into your financial equations. Taking it for granted that the birth mother would take the bulk of the responsibility while you would step in for a fun weekend twice a month.

Now you’ve been dumped in it, and the older child’s needs and expenses are an inconvenience to you and your biological child’s life as you see it, so you want them to lose out on the education planned for and their entire support and social structure at school to facilitate your needs and to get back to your normal.

If I was the father I would be fuming too.

"it doesn’t sound like the money’s there so they could be getting into debt"

why, it was so far? it sounds to me like the kid moved into OP’s house after possibly the trauma of no longer being able to live in his house anymore, then OP wants him also to also lose his friends. Year 8 is critical, friendships are critical at this age. Commute isn’t a problem if neither the child nor the dad says so? also why can’t the kid go on a bus or a train? What does the child want to do, has anyone actually asked him?

from the OP: "it’s not fair to sacrifice the wellbeing, finances and happiness of everyone in the family for the sake of one."

there you go, this is classical isn’t it. Child’s dad wants him to stay, child wants to stay, child’s mum wants him to stay, and OP is rationalising, gaining ammunition from MN, cos she wants the money, whilst appearing balanced and considerate. And the posters who say it is better for him to make local friends, I mean, can you guarantee that?

We never anticipated to have stepchild living with us full time, so to accuse us of having a baby without thinking it through is unfair

I think you mean you didn’t? Amy parent would know this is always feasible.

i can see why your marriage isn’t going well to be honest.

DSS is more likely to suffer adverse mental health due to his father being stressed, unhappy and broke from trying to pay school fees he can’t afford.

You’re not dealing in reality.

Your post makes no sense.

This is a pretty disgusting response. The OP has shown genuine care towards her stepson and has said she feels bad for him having to potentially move schools but feels like this isn’t viable long term given the changes in the situation. She is asking if her idea is viable to fix the recent issues that have arisen that affects their whole family. She hasn’t said she dislikes her stepson or wants to prioritise her own child or any such thing. She has said they’re now struggling financially and with time and this the school is the reason for it.

Would you give the same response if the child in question was the OPs and her partners and she was saying she wanted to pull him and her husband didn’t? No, absolutely not, you’d be saying the child should be pulled without thought.

Im not a stepmother, but the stepparent bashing some people on here are so desperate to do is hideous.

if there was a private school in your doorstep would you send him there OP? Is there no private school where you are?

Are you one of those parents? My experience of this is that yes, this is technically possible and yes, the school will lay on pay for buses hither and thither to draw in the widest possible number of students. But it is less than ideal on numerous levels, especially as the child moves through the school and homework ratchets up. I've had two in private school too and every family I know well that went for the long bus commute at secondary moaned about it, moved, or moved their DC after GCSEs. It was something that made sense in year 6 but the disadvantages quickly sunk in.

@PotandKettle

Thank you.

I actually have a wonderful relationship with my stepchild. They actually recently told us how much happier they are living here, and I am a big part of that. I love them and treat them as though they are my own. I did a lot of the crazy commute and driving at the beginning because I felt horrifically sorry for them. But it took too much of a toll on my mental and physical health to keep doing it, so it’s now delegated pretty much solely to my DP. If it was my own biological child, they’d be moving school as the situation just can’t continue.

Your husband isn't paying maintenance for a child that lives with you full time. He's paying for a private education, weirdly via his ex, which is unsustainable. He can and should stop paying it if it's making money tight, the driving is too much to bear, and you're considering leaving over it. I don't see how that benefits anyone. The kid can move schools pretty easily in year 8.

How would you feel if stepchild was your child? Moving schools at that age is shit unless you are used to travelling around. I wouldn’t choose to move a child of mine unless for unavoidable reasons, maybe compromise with two more years there then move for sixth form?

The kid can move schools pretty easily in year 8.

From an academic perspective yes. Socially really not.

I do think moving house is worth exploring. Yes it's a huge hassle and expense but plenty of people do it to facilitate their child's education (including me).

I had to move area ,family and school in year 10 ..
I didn't have a choice ,and I failed some of my GCSEs,but re took them the following year and still went to uni .
Yes absolutely the child needs to go to a local school
Rediculous all that money going on one child when uhave 2 to support

That poor kid though, divorced parents, having to live with one then the other, being faced with his fathers girlfriend (I think they are unmarried?) fighting tooth and nail to get the only bit of stability removed from you, school, and a father at least trying to maintain it, and the girlfriend who never anticipated you Living with her, and who has decided she will do none of the school runs or suppor your social life as apparently it takes too much toll on her mental health, and feels it’s unfair as her kid can’t go to private school.

"it doesn’t sound like the money’s there so they could be getting into debt"

why, it was so far?

OP has already explained that! They are now paying £400 a month extra in petrol and all the costs of supporting a near teen. OP has also stated that her DH would not be able to afford it at all but for her income.

Year 8 is critical, friendships are critical at this age.

No more critical than any other age. Kids move school and make new friends all the time. One of my best friends started my school in Y9.

What do you mean by him not being able to afford it if you weren't together? Are you paying towards the school fees and/or travel costs? I'd work out how much he'd have to pay you in child maintenance if you ever left him. Private school is not essential.

Can the child be dropped off at a station that is easier and quicker to get to school?

This might be one practical option. If 18 miles takes 90 minutes, there must surely be a change. Would drop off at another station be practicable.

Can anyone see if OP has answered questions relating to possible bursary or financial assistance from the school, or about whether the school offers boarding (fir example Mon-Fri) which might work out cheaper than the money spent on the commute.

Don't you have a parent group (online) for the private school? That is usual. You could ask there for advice.

I may be wrong but I can't see where OP has answered questions like this. It's repeated long text about the difficulties of the commute and ´maintenance'

That’s incredibly unkind and unfair.
The OP is more than happy to have her stepchild live with them and to pay all the day to day living costs. This is always a possibility when you marry someone with children and I am sure the op knew this and was prepared for it

No child has the right to a specific place of education and definitely not a right to stay at a school when circumstances have changed for them so much it is no longer financially feasible or practical. If a parent had decided to move areas to get a better job or was even in the forces and moved regularly, would the child staying at a school with their friends be the main consideration and priority? Of course not. We all have plans but sometimes circumstances change so much that we have to make changes and sacrifices.

If the child was at a state school nobody would expect the op and her husband to keep taking the child there, they would say move to a school nearer. If it was OPs own child - people would say she was silly to spend money she doesn’t have on school fees if there are alternatives and it was having such a huge detriment on their lives. There are good state schools and, providing they can get a place in one, it sounds like that’s the best decision for the family.

Are your finances joint? If so, I would insist on having separate finances and either paying proportionately to earnings for joint bills or each taking half of what's left after joint bills. Joint bills wouldn't include the private schools fees etc.

Your husband doesn't get to dictate how you spend your own money.

If he's running his savings down it doesn't sound like you can afford it tbh.

There could be other options for transport though. E.g. sharing lifts with other parents is common at my DD's independent school. Other independent schools have their own buses or parents have clubbed together to organise a minibus taxi. The school might be able to put you in contact with other families in your area. Some schools offer flexi boarding e.g. Tuesday- Friday although this might not be affordable either but perhaps DSC's Mum might contribute as she was previously funding all their living costs.

Don't do it. If this was your child, you would be doing everything humanly possible not to cause further distress and disruption. So I think you have to consider it in the same light. It sounds as though you're living too far from the mum anyway and should be looking at moving and also trying to mediate to make it possible for your stepson to go back home at least 50% of the time too.

We live in an area that is so far away and unusual for a child to attend that school, there are no options for a school bus or a car share. Equally, to drop stepchild off at a station to reduce the 90 minute train ride would take around 45 minutes (if not more) in rush hour to a town in the opposite direction anyway… so there’s no time saving point to doing that.

The private school doesn’t have a boarding option. I’m not sure about bursaries, stepchild may well already be in receipt of this as mum is on a low income.

I can't believe the entitlement of some people.

Imagine being fuming at someone who's been paying towards the luxury of a private education for your child because they can no longer afford to do so.