To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Exactly. Moving schools is not the end of the world, particularly if his general home life is going to be much better than it was when he was at his mums.

Kids frequently move schools, for numerous reasons. Family stresses aside, and just focusing on the SS's well being, it's ridiculous to think that just because it's a private school it will be so much better for him than his commuting up to three hours a day and living miles and miles from his school friends is in any way worth it.

@Morriet has DSS always been at this school or did he join the private system at secondary?

Oh stop being so rude. Some of us are working and dip in and out as and when we can. We don't all have the luxury of laying about eating Bon bons whilst reading hundreds of posts. Be kind. Be better.

I just read OPs updates before commenting and don’t expect my own special replies when the info is already there. No one on mumsnet is that busy. 🤣

Completely disagree with above poster. Your step son will do much better making local friends. When he's older and wants to hang out in the evening, date and got to parties, how will you manage this with a three year old to also look after? It makes way more sense, for him too, to be local to you. Frame it as the commute being a pain.

Is there any reason you haven't replied to PPs suggesting speaking to the school?

As a child that was promised I could stay at the same school, then moved at 13 I would give him the stability.

What does the child want? Is the travel time much needed 1:2:1 time with dad or could he catch the train all the time and get a travel pass to reduce the cost and remove the time burdon?

To me that’s a sunk cost that I’d be prepared to write off. The cost in petrol alone doesn’t really justify the need to use it just because you’ve paid for it.

Moving schools to the local school is best because of local friends and no school runs. If the SM insists on the private school she can pay for a taxi twice a day or do the driving and also do some the weekend driving. If she can’t pay for a taxi or drive everyday then your solution of a local school stands.

@Ktime not necessarily; the new house may be cheaper and their transport costs will plummet once closer to the school/friends/activities of the child.

So they have to stump for stamp duty, movers fees, lose equity in their home all because the ex chose a school for her convenience?

On the local friends issue, DS has pals who live places that aren't easily commutable to the school. As soon as they were old enough to want to go out in the evening these DCs would stay over at pals or occasionally ask friends to stay over. It's not insurmountable.

This is nonsense. Don’t know if anyone has asked before, but if DC was at state school, would they be keeping him there, or moving him local? And it’s not really freeing money; it doesn’t sound like the money’s there so they could be getting into debt. And I think year 8 is probably the least critical year. Better to move him now than suddenly reach crisis point in Y10.

In all honesty it's not ok to force the child to leave school.
Can the mum do one of the journeys to say bring them back to your home?
Is there a school bus?
any other families in the area where you could do a car share option?
Can the child be dropped off at a station that is easier and quicker to get to school?
Failing all that I think it's best to move if his whole life revolves around the other place. It's really hard for kids at the best of times, let the keep their mates and schooling at least for a few years

So mother has more money now as only one mouth to feed and one person to clothe. Did she never pay fairs or take him out?
Was school a joint decision or hers?

What are his reasons for wanting to keep the child in this particular school? I think that’s important.

But if they child could fit in easily to another school then you need DH to get on board and come round to your point of view OP. He needs to see agree that there should be a gain for the whole family over one child. Then dad needs a conversation with his child and their mother.

This would be a decent option, if available. Then it would only be the DC travelling. It’s worth investigating but doesn’t solve the weekend journeys.

I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools

I actually read it that it’s the thing you want most and are fighting for.

Why is anyone saying this is unreasonable? They can’t afford it with the extra transport and paying for all dss other costs.
If it was his last year I would stretch it out, but he’s only year 8. And if he stays there through gcses he will likely want to stay through a-levels too. Yous need to take him out now. Put him in a local school and then his mum can also pay maintenance as she won’t be paying school fees. Yous won’t have school fees/maintenance or travel costs.
If your oh won’t agree then you need to decide what next. Can he afford it as well as child maintenance to you?

Because the husband clearly feels they can afford it and wishes to allow his child to continue till the natural break point. So why she thinks they can’t make ends meet and he thinks they can is the question

Because it’s probably something quite serious; may even be identifying; sometimes we just have to take OPs word for it.

@Ktime

No, because they are primary carers for a child who is dealing with separated parents and his only source of constant stability is his school and friends.

Take that away and he is liable to suffer adverse mental health and educational outcomes.

@Gardeningtime Absolutely not the case.

If I felt that stepchild could stay in their school and it was a genuine viable option then I’d be all for it. But the long commute, costs involved, and stress it causes on the rest of the household aren’t tenable in the long term. DP wants stepchild to stay at that school to the detriment of himself and everyone else. He’s very stressed and unhappy, he’s spent all of his savings to accommodate this, and now he (we) are scrimping on a monthly basis to facilitate it. He’s not been a pleasant man to live with, he’s constantly tired and in a foul mood, our relationship has gone from one of NEVER arguing, to a constant atmosphere and misery, frankly. That’s not to mention the negative impact it’s all having on me and our DC, who is having their quality of life impacted too. If stepchild was my biological DC, they’d be moving school. In my opinion, it’s not fair to sacrifice the wellbeing, finances and happiness of everyone in the family for the sake of one.

We never anticipated to have stepchild living with us full time, so to accuse us of having a baby without thinking it through is unfair.

Would all the travel costs petrol/train added up over the year be better paid for child to board weekly, home weekends?

If we weren’t together, DP couldn’t afford to solely facilitate this, either. That’s without taking into consideration any maintenance he’d have to pay to me.

Why are so many people suggesting the boy moves back with his mum? Do they not see that if it was that simple, it would have happened by now?

There are clearly significant reasons for the change and the cause is immaterial now. The new family setup needs to adapt and work out what is the best compromise for all of them.

That made sense at the time because the DC was living with her. Sadly he can no longer do so. If this is permanent, then the school has to change.