To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

I think the post where pp asked if you'd seen an invoice was really good.

For all you know she could be claiming her "half" as the bursary and you're paying everything owed. Please check.

What an awful situation for you all to be stuck in.

This is not a bad idea but the commute is still terrible. If it eats into revision time any benefit of the school could be wasted. I say that as someone who had two in private schools.

You need to suck it up for the rest of this academic year, and then move him to your local school for the start of year 9. It will be much easier for him to move in September when there tends to be more shuffling around. It will also give him time to acclimatise to his new living situation whilst keeping the stability of his current school and friends. My understanding from reading other threads, is private schools require a terms notice, so fees will already need to be paid for the remainder of this term and next term anyway.
Is there someone who can help you with your baby? As it doesn't sound like you are coping, if you can't manage the slightly longer day without your husband, it is hard having a baby, it must be very hard to have another child, you weren't expecting living with you so have you got some support?
I feel very sorry for you and you step son, both of you have had to make unexpected changes, because of two selfish people, whose poor choices are now impacting two innocent people. But don't be the third selfish person, by demanding the situation stops right now. Plan for a new school in September, and in the meantime count the days down till then. Don't private schools have really long holidays anyway? So realistically you've only got to put up with 5 weeks of this term 12/13 weeks the following term and 10/11 weeks of summer term?

@truetruebarneymcgrew Yes they will be out of pocket for next term anyway. Probably they could move the child at the spring term after Easter.

I also agree with the earlier poster who asked OP to reflect: What would you do with your (biological) child.

But again, for those in the back row, commuting that long sucks.

90minutes each way commute and friends who live 90 mins away as he enters an age where there will be all hanging out and he won't be able to will be terrible for his mental health, energy and happiness

YABU. IT isn’t about you and your convenience. You clearly dont want to pay for your SC’s school, to free up the money. This is year 8, a critical year, her life will be disrupted she will be away from her friends. This was the deal from the beginning. It is not up to you it is up to her parents to decide.

I'm confused. Sorry if it has been explained and I'm missing it but how is the dsc living with you AND your dp is still paying maintenance ti his ex? Why is she getting any maintenance if the child is not living with her? Why isn't she paying him?

Op’s DH gives it to ex to pay for half the school fees.

This has been explained multiple times, you need to at least read all the OPs posts

I'm confused. Sorry if it has been explained and I'm missing it but how is the dsc living with you AND your dp is still paying maintenance ti his ex? Why is she getting any maintenance if the child is not living with her? Why isn't she paying him?

Cant you just read the thread like everyone else? Do you need your own special reply just for you? 😅

It seems pretty clear that if they were OP’s dc they’d be going to her local comprehensive, as that’s where they’re planning to send their other child and they are struggling to make ends meet.

The child hypothetically become OP’s bio child doesn’t magically bequeath OP and DH with oodles of cash.

If the anticipated situation is that dss will live with you until ready to leave for university then it is right and appropriate to change to the best local school possible) although I'd do it in next September so it's between school years. I say this for 3 reasons

3 reasons I think it's better for dss (which you can share with him in explaining the decision)

1. you need to be financially secure and this isn't sustainable financially. You want to be able to say yes to residential trips and extra curricular activities which you can't do at his current school but could at a state school & you need to be able to save to be able to offer financial support through university.

Given that a change must be made it's much better to change at the start of y9 when it's quite common to move about in private schools too (it's when prep schools finish) and it gives him time to adjust to the fact it's happening and then time to adjust to the new school before GCSE's start.

2. It will allow him to make friends close to home, which will be increasing important as he moves through his teenage years boosting his independence that he can choose to meet his friends, go round their house, they can pop round yours, go out to the cinema together or hang out and grab a burger etc.

Reasons why it's better and fairer for the whole family (to share with dh)

1. frees up a lot of time, which without being mean is clearly causing resentment, because you need more time and attention from the father of your baby than you're getting. This is not sustainable and will only get worse

2. lowers petrol costs and sundry expenses, as well as obviously saving the cost of the school fees. This will hopefully reduce the financial burden significantly and allow you to feel more secure, plan holidays etc. together to assist with bonding as a single coherent family unit.

3. if being raised together the children need equivalent upbringings - it is simply put not ok to send eldest to private school when you are not expecting to be in a position to send all your children to private school.

No I don’t think that’s true. It might be easier to settle in in January. He could have local friends by the summer and he doesn’t have to spend the summer holidays stressing about it.

Regarding the long commute, there are pupils at DS private school who have over an hour long bus ride each way every day.The school has a paid bus for them, so they clearly think it's a doable proposition.

I agree that the first thing is to speak to the school and see what help they can offer (if any). Definitely stop paying via the BM as you never know the full situation otherwise.

It is crap he has to move but miles better to move at the end of year 8/start of year 9 anyway. Less disruption to his schooling and he will be less of a sore thumb starting new in year 9 when there are still prep schools that run until of year 8 (I think?) and others may start at the same time.

I would be clear with DS that if it was financially viable to keep him in his current school you would, but you can’t risk having to move him in the middle of his exams if costs go up etc. I would also potentially ask him what is more important to him - going to the private school and seeing his friends in lessons, or seeing them and doing his activities there on the weekend. As then you can prioritise one or the other rather than doing long journeys on weekends etc as well as all weekdays.

It’s a crap situation for him but most children who move homes have to move schools and he needs transparency and stability and the risk of you not being able to maintain this for four years is high.

You could even sweeten the deal by offering some of the money saved by him not being in private school to go
toward something he wants. Like an activity he’s keen to try or a monthly amount that goes into an account for a car when he’s 17 or whatever. At least then in a situation where he’s got so little control over his life he gets a choice to do something with a portion of the money saved?

sceptical about the commute tbh. there is a bus and the kid can take the bus right? or train. yes 90 mins, but maybe that’s ok. I took 3 hours a day to go to my school, and would gladly continue to do so if the alternative meant changing schools, after having to leave my life and mum’s house...all this can be a lot for a kid. the cost was affordable before given this was the deal before, so why not now. it is clear the op doesnt wants the money to be freed up, and suddenly feels she has the power to have a say in this, as the kid had to move into her house.

Oh stop being so rude. Some of us are working and dip in and out as and when we can. We don't all have the luxury of laying about eating Bon bons whilst reading hundreds of posts. Be kind. Be better.

Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine that your child is in the same position…how would you feel if the other woman came along, insisting that your child is ripped away from the school, all they know, their friends (who likely helped them through the divorce/separation), and their only piece of stability in life?

For goodness sake! Unless this is an all age school, we can assume the boy has only been there for all of 14 months! As OP and DH already have another child, they were together long before he started at the school. The first marriage probably broke up before DH met OP. It’s sad for the boy, but something pretty dire must have happened that he can no longer live at his mums.

Sorry but if I was in this situation this child would be going to a local school and as soon as possible. I relocated from a private school abroad into a local comp in Bedfordshire at 14 and I was fine. I made new friends pretty quickly.
You can't go on like this for the next 4 years.
Just make sure he is included in decisions and you explain to him that its no longer financially possible. Id like to know why his mother can't take any responsibility though.

Oh stop being so rude. Some of us are working and dip in and out as and when we can. We don't all have the luxury of laying about eating Bon bons whilst reading hundreds of posts. Be kind. Be better.

You can filter out OPs posts by pressing the handy little ‘See all’ button at the top of her OP. Always a good idea before asking any questions, especially when we’re already on 13 pages! No need to read hundreds of posts! Be better!

Does the school take boarders?

I'm confused why it's deemed as 'nosey' to want to know why he can't live with his mum, that's the central part of the whole problem and pretty unusual

Move step child. Start of year 9 is not a bad age to move, frienship groups are still forming and exam work hasn't started yet.

Why won’t you and your partner be able to afford private school for your baby? By then your husband’s eldest child will have finished school?

If your DH doesn’t want the baby to go to private school, that’s a matter to take up with him when the time comes.

I’m sceptical if the commute really is an issue. If eldest child can’t live with his mother, then his father would drive him to school if you weren’t in the picture.

Different families have different values. Your husband’s eldest child has been raised differently. His world can’t be disrupted because his father married someone else and is having another family. I feel sorry for the eldest child. He must be aware he is being seen as an inconvenience to everyone.

For everyone’s sake, support him in his private school where he will hopefully reach his full potential and do well enough to get into his chosen uni and be out of everyone’s hair. I feel so sorry for the boy.