To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

yes but the DH is clearly on a very good salary if his maintenance is half a private school fee and he can afford to set up an entirely new home and afford another baby

It depends on the reason why he was put there in the first place. At my son's school there is one private and their other child state educated. It is more common than you think.

Op might find one of her children fly's through state school and does really well where as the other child needs more intervention that the state school can't provide. Her step son is in year 8 he has 4 years and then after that he can go to a state school sixth form.

I don’t understand at all why the baby can’t go to private school??

The first child won’t be at school anymore by the time that happens????

Perhaps the OP is saying she can’t afford half private school fees, like the other mum can?

Isn’t that more of an issue for the OP??

Has he looked ahead to thee next 4-5years? Fees are likely to go up 5-10% per year. On top of that, there is likely to be a 20% jump in 2025 when Labour put vat on school fees. How does he plan to afford that? If the child is going to need to move better to do it now than later when the exam years are looming.

You’re speculating a lot on this thread.

@SaffronSpice

I saw that and ignored because who would even suggest that OP have a childless life because of this situation.

Some people are so pathetic on this site.

I think you're conflating maintenance here. DP has sad itnis important hmfir him for his son to go to that shool, you could arguably consider that the ex wife is paying maintenance by paying what she can towards the fees your husband has stated are not negotiable.

But the ex isn’t paying any maintenance. She is paying half the school fees out of the maintenance OP’s DH pays to her. So, in effect, he is paying 100% of school fees but by a circuitous route. This has to stop! He now has 100% residence so should not be paying ex. He should pay the fees then should negotiate any possible reductions/buseries or transport himself.

This doesn’t solve the problem of the travel. While there is no choice but to take him to school, I think the driving him around at weekends is ridiculous. Do his friends parents ever drive their kids over to you, OP?

Give the kid the choice then. Get to school under their own steam or change schools.

Poor kid.

If you can’t afford the fees you can’t afford it. If you’re going to move him it needs to be now - straight after Christmas break.

The alternative is your DH needs to come up with a way he’s going to fully fund the fees.

Maybe the OP doesn’t want to spend money on private school fees when there’s very good state schools around?

I think they should go to a school local to you but you need to let them finish this year at the private school.

The step child is no more important than the baby. Despite what the first wives club think.

It is unsustainable. OP and her DC should not be the poor relations.

His mother needs to get a better job and pay maintenance to to her ex.

Surely the answer is to find a really good family therapist to get the boy back living with his mum? That would solve all the problems if whatever issues caused him to leave his mums could be worked through

You have no idea what the issue is ..

The baby isn't more important than the step child either

And the step child is the one with the broken home and a greater need for love and stability

OP, I think your DP needs to talk to the school. I strongly suspect that he IS paying all the school fees and the child has a bursary or his mum has negotiated a discount due to her low income

Yeah this would be my concern. Can they absorb the VAT increase? If not I would change schools now before year 9, assuming there’s a reasonable local alternative ( and they’re not in an area like mine where the good ones are full with WL and the only ones with spaces have spaces for a reason).

However, even if you decide to keep your DSS there I would encourage your DH to stop paying maintenance and instead assume responsibility for half the fees so he has some transparency.

@Mummyoflittledragon thats why it’s best to move now in Year 8

I think you need to ask yourself what you would do if it were your biological child and then apply the same principle.

I would move towards the school or halfway between where you are now and school if there are work/social connections near you. Or find a way for the child to go back to the mother for school days.

It is unfair to take the child out of a private setting, removing them from their friends and a better standard of education… because of problems with the parents, inflexibility on the part of the adults and arrival of a sibling taking up funds.

What does your stepchild think. It doesn't feel like the best quality of life in some ways having so much travel. It's tricky as it's such a critical time once year 9 starts so you need to make a decision. It doesn't need to be now though. Would your time be best served having a look at the alternatives nearby and getting an idea of what's possible/ available.

In the meantime I would spesk to the school about what support is available - any grants etc. Would staying with mum one night per week ease some of the travel even?

The way people say ‘move house’ so easily gives me a headache.

As if it’s so easy to move house.

They can’t afford the school fees, moving house just adds more expense.

YABU. Moving school at any time is disruptive and moving schools 4 years before they’re due to finish secondary school is extremely disruptive as those exams count the most in life.

If you pull him out of the school and put him into the comprehensive, he will blame you for the rest of his life if he struggles to settle in and suffers in his exams.

If you weren’t on the scene would he still be attending private school? Yes. His dad would just do the school runs.

When you started a relationship with his dad, you knew he was in private school and it would be wrong for you to meddle with that.

Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine that your child is in the same position… how would you feel if the other woman came along, insisting that your child is ripped away from the school, all they know, their friends (who likely helped them through the divorce/separation), and their only piece of stability in life?

Then something has to give. I would say only one social per week. If they want to see him/her then you can say ‘well your friends can come to us’ so you’re not totally stopping it. Just stopping the excess travel. Or for that they could take the train for the social

if you can’t move. That’s out of the question. If you don’t get money and are struggling and you can’t afford it all then something has to give. Either you lose out. You’re husband loses out or the child you share loses our something.

for you to keep paying the amount which is horrific (I know because we sent our children there for a short while and it was in excess of £5000 per month in fees alone) so you must cut something.

you’ve got to decide on what though….

I would check any bursaries the school does. They really prioritise children who have been at the school and now suddenly can’t afford it.

you really do need to check it out?

What a horrible situation for the child.

Moving is tough but the commute etc will be really stressful and potentially damaging for GCSEs. I would let him finish the year - absolutely - but get him settled somewhere else for Yr 9.

DC may not like moving but there is a dramatic uplift in work etc in Yr 10 and 11 and eventually he will see the logic in being closer to school. This is how I would explain it. Do not, whatever you do, mention the money in isolation or any question of 'fairness' with the other child at this stage. All of this is logical but DC will likely focus on what is being 'taken' from him rather than any sort of opportunity you can spin on the new arrangements.

Even if you could afford it, I would be saying this by the way.

Is there any possibility he could move back with his mum in a couple of years? How competitive is the private school? Could he for example go back at A level?