To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

I’m a big believer that step children should be treated as your own. There is no way I’d be doing this for my own child at the expense of the whole family. I have a disabled child and we have only considered schools nearby so that it won’t seriously impact our other DC. I think moving is harder, but there haven’t yet started GCSEs. Since many schools start them in year 9, I would make a careful plan to move at the end of this year so they can prepare emotionally. It means sticking it out for longer, but knowing there is an end date may help!

Ultimately it’s up to his parents where he goes to school and you can only control your response to it.

Understandably his dad doesn’t want to cause any more instability. Realistically though, he needs to be able to afford the fees on his own income as the mother could pull the plug in the middle of y10 when it would be much worse.

It doesn’t matter that his mother picked the school or “chose” to spend the maintenance on fees etc. It’s his dad making these choices now.

The issues are fees, cost of transport and time of transport.

For the fees issue, DH can contact the school, explain that your dsc parents circumstances have changed and discuss payment options such as bursaries. It’s possible that they will say “Mr Morriet! Your son is already on our most generous bursary!” And then you will know. As your DH is the resident parent then he really needs to have an honest financial relationship with the school. Atm he is handing over money to his ex and trusting that she is giving 100% of it to the school. Has he ever actually seen an invoice? It’s possible that they will help with transport and uniform costs if nothing else. As his ex is in a low income then it’s likely that he is already on a bursary. I wouldn’t be too hasty in telling them that he now lives with a parent on a higher income though.

For the transport issue ask the school if there is any financial support available for transport as you may have to withdraw your child due to transport costs. Check that there isn’t a school organised bus system. Find the school Facebook page and post a begging post asking if anyone else is near you who would consider a lift share arrangement. Check more inventive routes like drive 20min to random bus stop and get a 40min bus.

Also research your local comprehensive schools. Comprehensive education is the default and serves 97% of the population. Nobody is being “eaten alive” for being “posh” any more than they are being “eaten alive” in private because their divorced dad can’t afford petrol. if your DH won’t consider state then you can’t exactly make him though although actually visiting a decent secondary with his ds may change his mind but as literally not being able to afford it hasn’t changed his mind then don’t hold your breath. Personally the January of y9 is the absolute latest I would consider moving a child unless it was completely unavoidable. I think y8 is ok - nicer to not have too but it’s ok. Loads of dc do it all the time. Finding a school that is doing the same GCSE optional topics, and teaching them in the same order is close to impossible so late in y9 onwards is difficult.

OP implies he was paying what he had to in maintenance as she refers to his duty. Someone on £35k isn’t going to have to pay as much as half the cost of your average private school fees.

Our local private school fees for the year are around £16k which I think is average. Half of that is £670 per month. If that’s what he had to pay, he’s on £100k ish.

I’d guess the same. My BIL pays just under £700 a month to his ex for their child. He has another child with his wife. He earns about £100k.

What are your local state schools like? Mine go to one and they're not all hell holes where a child from a private school would be "eaten alive" as some are suggesting. A lot of state schools have plenty of middle class kids.

Does your step son feel strongly about staying at his school OP? If he does, I think you should try to accommodate that for the next few years. It sounds like he’s had to deal with a lot.

Talk to him with his dad. Maybe if he could see his current friends at weekends, he may be happy to change schools and lose the long commute.

Why did the step child move? I think this is important as they made decide to move back to mums and if that's the case continuity of school is important.

Also how is the relationship with the mum? Could you have a few discussion about the mum helping with costs and also some return journeys home? I.e can the child go to their mums after school for dinner and then get dropped back to you?

Rail is longer, but student railcards and the boy's age mean he can do that alone at w/ends at least.
Car-pooling?
Take him a.m. but gets a bus combo back?

I think you're conflating maintenance here. DP has sad itnis important hmfir him for his son to go to that shool, you could arguably consider that the ex wife is paying maintenance by paying what she can towards the fees your husband has stated are not negotiable.

I dont understand why he cant live woh his mum? The sensible thing to do is to ask the lad what he wants and if he wants to go to the school then he has to live with mum father majority of the week. If he wants to live with dad then he needs to relocate. Those are the only options.

For most families, school fits around the family, not the other way around.

And those with plenty of working class kids are not necessarily hell holes. MN snobbery strikes again 🙄

Apart from it being blatantly obviously that child needs to move schools, this isn’t fair on your child.

Why does that child get to have a private education and yours don’t? How will this be justified to your child later in life?

If you did leave him I’m sure it would cost him a whole lot more and maybe then you can afford to send your child to private school.

The child would be fine going to a normal school and needs to meet friends in the local area it’s better to get this done quickly.

So I think we all need more info about why he is no longer living with his mum, and whether it's likely to be temporary or not.

If permanent then I think you guys should sit down with the mum and say either she starts paying maintenance to your DH to cover his living expenses (knowing full well she probably can't) or you will be moving him to the local state school that was always the original plan. If temporary, I think you should approach the private school for a bursary assessment.

I do think that if you move him you have to move him at the end of this year, Year 8, so that he is in his new school for the beginning of Year 9 and GCSEs. It will get harder to move then, as you don't want to move him in the middle of a 2 year exam course. And don't forget you generally need to give a full term's notice so you need to be making this decision in the next 4-5 months, before the end of the lent term.

I'm generally a proponent of parents having school choice, but I don't think you guys are in a financial position to keep him there, even without the commute.

Also if his mum has no money for maintenance she can’t afford school fees? What planet are this pair on? She needs to pay for her child as a priority not pay fees for a school that no one can afford.

Has she already got a bursary at this school and doesn’t actually pay the other half of the fees? None of this makes any sense at all.

Seems like the DSS parents are more interested in looking like they can afford this school rather than putting their child’s interests first, that poor child needs stability and a good routine, a routine they don’t need to rely on others.

Your DH needs to arrange a meeting with his ex to discuss it all. He needs to say ‘I think DS needs to change schools. To put it simply we can’t afford it. The petrol is costing us £500 a month. I know it’s far from ideal to change schools at this stage but what can I do?

I feel so sorry for this boy, his parents have split, he’s got two new step-parents, he’s moved 45 minutes away from his home and his parents have enrolled him in to a school that they basically can’t afford.

1 how does step son feel about the commute and the possibility of moving schools? Would it be possible to visit local schools?
2 has your DH spoken to the current school about the effect the home life disruption and long commute is having.
3 Can you ask the mum or her partner to contribute to a different private school near to you?
4 Frankly your whole lives should not have to revolve around keeping the step son at that school.

You might find that his mother has got a bursary for him, and is just taking the money from your husband. It has been known!

OP, which year is DSS in at school? If the DC is to move then the beginning of Year 9 is the best possible time. Once they've started GCSE's it's very difficult as different schools teach different exam board specifications. Could a compromise be reached where if the child moved school at the beginning of Year 9 his Dad would continue to take him to socialise with friends once over each weekend? Or if he stays in the private school he can't socialise at weekends anymore. Clearly something has to give. It's not sustainable as things stand and it's not fair if all resources are given to one child and nothing left for a younger child.

To the posters suggesting that the OP switch houses with the child’s mother:

ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?

Has your DSS only started the private school in September and therefore is currently in yr7?
If so, I would move him. Not only is the current setup unsustainable financially and emotionally but also, if it's a given that the child will permanently reside with you guys now, he needs to be making new friends closer to his home. Otherwise he'll potentially feel really alienated if he doesn't know anyone in his home area.
Also, the understanding was that DSS would move schools but now your partner has gone back on that. That would piss me off in itself!
Your last words in your OP were that you feel like just leaving with your baby. Are there other issues going on too?

YANBU. As a family, you can’t afford private school. He is now part of your family and so you need to make different education arrangements. People who have never been stepparents love to wade into these threads and prioritise sc over the whole family, including siblings, and it’s just daft. You don’t sacrifice the happiness of the family for a temporary upheaval for one child. I’d be making it clear to DP that this is not working for the family and he has some choices to make about his priorities over the next few years. You have already made a massive sacrifice having his son come live with you, and footing the bill and extra work of that. You do not also need to sacrifice your family and social time, one person doesn’t get to be the priority.

18miles 45 mins isn't a unusual long commute - many children round here are doing close to that to go to the nearest state secondary

This keeps coming up in my mind.

OP the finances simply don’t make sense. You say she is in a low income job but at one stage she was paying all the living expenses of your son and half the school fees and you don’t even know how she pays the school fees? None of this adds up, something more is at play.

I think DP needs to contact the school and discuss things under the guise of potentially moving him. If SS remains at the school, DP needs to stop the payments to his ex and pay them directly to the school.

Something doesn’t add up here at all.

It is if you can’t afford it and there are options to change that.

There isn't evidence that it's really can't afford rather than doesn't want to though - just a matter of us interpreting the OP s posts differently

I always feel so sorry for the child in the middle

The original posts says they are now ‘struggling to make ends meet’ due to costs. So yes, it is about affordability and the OP has been clear about that, so it’s not open to interpretation.

Oh come on, that's ridiculous. Of course it's a perfectly natural desire for OP to have a child of her own, even if she does already have a step child!

Also, the parameters have shifted in the relationship: there was no understanding at that time that DSC would at any stage be living with them full-time. It's pointless berating her over the metaphysics of whether her child should exist or not now. They DO exist. And they deserve equal consideration with their step sibling.

Circumstances have changed, OP, and sometimes it's necessary to change in order to fit them. IMO, your DH is being unreasonable and extremely rigid in his lack of flexibility on this. It's not an easy situation for either child, and this is in neither of their making, so the best option is to ensure fair treatment for both. You're creating a breeding ground for resentment otherwise.