To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

No, the point is the mother was CHOOSING to use the maintenance on private school fees.

No court is going to force DH to pay maintenance PLUS school fees on his income.

The easiest thing to do is to move schools asap. He will make new friends and while he does you maintain his social life with the friends that live miles away which will still be expensive and time consuming but way less so than your current situation. He’s only year 8, do it now.

I see 3 options:

1. child moves back with mum. Why can’t the child do that? As the mum, I’d be making this happen.

2. move the child to a closer private school and continue same arrangement of half/half fees

3. move child to a closer state school but this is by far the least ideal for the child :(

I think the mum is being most unreasonable here by not moving hell and earth to ensure the kid stays local. And I’m not one to usually blame the mother as I know mums usually get the blame for everything anyway.

The OP says he’s in year 8.

this is actually a good time to move schools, before GCSE options. If it’s definitely a long term thing him living with you.

But you need to talk to your DP again, how does he expect this to work long term? Does he realise if he plans to move DSS he needs to do it as soon as possible, because leave it another year and he’s really signing in until end of year 11, and that needs to be a joint choice. Is he certain his Ex will continue to pay for 4 years?

does he think it’s worth the dramatic drop in both children’s lifestyle?

It’s not just about the money. A 90 minute train journey or 45 minutes (or more in traffic) each way is just too far and too tiring for all concerned on a daily basis. The child is year 8 so now is the ideal time to move before they choose their GCSE options. Another 4 years in this situation would be intolerable. They can still see friends at weekends, but the child really needs to move schools asap.

How does step child feel about all the travelling? Is it fair to expect stepchild to get up early, travel and waste all that time travelling? In later years this will have an impact on GCSE results as it'll eat into revision/study time. Frankly travelling was a pain when I was at school (2 buses or bus and walk, or walk 45 mins - in the end I used to run it to save time). Ask stepchild if they'd prefer to find a local school so they can continue to walk to school with new friends? And still see old school friends at weekends etc.

Does step child have any hobbies / sports, or is there any sport they'd like to do (football, rugby, swimming, horse riding, rowing, sailing?) Obviously moving to a more local school will free up time to do these activities. Investigate and sign up for a trial in the holidays. Can you take stepchild for an exploratory look at the schools locally and see what they think?

OP, make clear to your husband you can't continue living this way -
How can he choose to prioritize a private school over the family making ends meet? What about the needs of your child over the next 4 years..

I'd tell him this isn't doable anymore, he lied when he said it was temporary. Don't help out with any more lifts, it's your husband's choice to do this, so leave him to it. And leave him if it doesn't change, you and your son deserve better.

I think the circumstances here matter quite a lot. If, for instance, the reason DSS no longer lives with his mum is that she has a serious illness then I'd move heaven and earth to keep him in that school. If mum is just a twat and the relationship has broken down then no I wouldn't. Are you sure DSS isn't on a bursary due to his mothers low income?

I assume OP was aware that step child attended private school before having a baby. This should've been a discussion before having a child together.

Getting your DS to school is the most difficult thing, so assuming it's the private Ed your DP is keen to keep in place, is there a private school nearer to you? If so, discuss and agree with his mum and switch DS to that school. Your DS can still see friends 1 day over the weekend.
Maybe agree to keep them in PEd for 11+ or 13+ then seek a free grammar school? I know they're few and far between but....

Poor child, first moved from living with one parent to the other then now having a step parent pressure their father into changing school.

Hopefully the decision will be made based on what is good for the child / following checking with the child how they feel.

I think your only option is to sit back and let DP take the whole strain, unless it suits you otherwise of course.

He is the one digging his heels in and until it becomes an absolute burden to him, he wont have the balls to have the conversation with his ex about changing schools. Anything you say is only going to make him double-down on his decision to carry on. So I'd back right off

This. It's completely unsustainable for a child to travel 3 hours a day for school on public transport, or for an adult to spend 3 hours of their day on the school run. No school is worth it, unless it's highly specialised and the only option. Children can thrive in fairly ordinary schools, and develop great social lives. If he'll be living with you for the rest of his secondary schooling, he's better off making friends locally and in a more relaxed way.

If there's a good enough school close by he can go there. If your DH/ the child's mother have concerns about his social life or academic progress, you can have his original friends over for sleepovers and maybe spend some money on tutors or extra curricular activities - if some of his far away friends are involved in an activity in their homeplace, maybe you could commit to your SS staying involved one day a week. If he is really distraught, get him counselling. Put effort, thought and maybe money into making the move as easy for his as possible as it sounds like you won't be able to go on with how things are.

Is there a private school near you?

I honestly don't think the world necessary grinds to a halt if a child moves from a private school to a state in year 8, particularly if it's because of a substantial house move. Certainly in my city, there are a couple of schools where the move would be tricky, socially, and other schools where nobody would bat an eyelid.

Your DH's salary is a big factor here too though. There's a big difference between "he's on 35k and we simply can't manage the fees on top of our mortgage and outgoings" becuase that's almost certainly 100% true, and "he's on 90k and we can't afford it" because that means that of course you can, but you have also chosen a bunch of other outgoings that eat up your income.

Normally I would be all for keeping DSS in his current school but it sounds like it's unsustainable from a logistics and finance point of view.

You do need to get in touch with the school. See if there is a bursary available.

Y8 is so tricky, I would look at all options before moving him.

Precisely.

OP: Are you sure that she truly cannot contribute (or pay parts of the school fees herself)? You might need legal advice... Because her thinking that she can´t financially contribute truly isn´t the same as her not being legally required to contribute.

I think your DH should have a very frank discussion with DSC / his DC.

Especially about weekend socialising and fuel / bus cost.s Maybe DSC could invite friends to your home. Or DSC could spend more weekends at DSC´s mother´s. Or get a have a summer / weekend job. I used to pet and baby sit when I was about that age IIRC (that won´t make a huge difference in regards to money earnt. But if the job is local DSC will do less socialising => less transportation required).

It certainly seems as if DSC is old enough to be informed about the current situation (in an age appropriate way).

If you can't afford for your child to go to private school then your step child shouldn't either. I cannot understand [people saying he should stay there.

So unfair.

Surely the first steps are to find out how much the fees actually are & stop giving his ex money?

while I feel for the dsc and it’s a difficult situation it all feels unsustainable.

it’s relatively common round here for children to exist the private system and enter state and it often works out fine. Is there a space in a good state school locally? That would be an important place to start

i’m unsure why your dp was told he must pay half the private school fees when he didn’t want the child to go to private school in the first place.

while moving would be difficult for the child, having friends and a social life nearby will be enormously beneficial as they get older.

In most parts of the country this just isn’t an option. There aren’t any!

Has DH talked to DSC about it? Not - "we'd like you to decide" or "we can't afford the fees", but rather "would you like to avoid the commute?", "would you like to make local friends?".

If it's not likely to be temporary, then you all need to look ahead - he might want more freedom and independence at 16 or 17, chance to walk back from mates' house, chance to go for drinks with mates when at uni in the holidays etc. I'd start a discussion to understand his feelings without any pressure.

What even if the DSS has been going there before the new DC was even conceived ?

Your DH's salary is a big factor here too though. There's a big difference between "he's on 35k and we simply can't manage the fees on top of our mortgage and outgoings" becuase that's almost certainly 100% true, and "he's on 90k and we can't afford it" because that means that of course you can, but you have also chosen a bunch of other outgoings that eat up your income

OP implies he was paying what he had to in maintenance as she refers to his duty. Someone on £35k isn’t going to have to pay as much as half the cost of your average private school fees.

Our local private school fees for the year are around £16k which I think is average. Half of that is £670 per month. If that’s what he had to pay, he’s on £100k ish.

But one is a baby and one is in year 8 / and will be close to leaving school before the other one starts primary? So it's hardly unfair the baby ain't at private school

And that baby has a stable home

I am not 100% convinced it's unsustainable either - it comes across more as a difference in how you'd like the money and time spent

For a child that age and situation I would do everything I could to ensure as much stability as possible / their lives get turned upside down by the actions of adults , they need security and love and they will realise that love and time is not something they will get from any adult in their lives , baby is so much more important than them

Then you'll be back here wanting to kick him out as he's antisocial

@grumpycow1

I assume it's the new bf that is the issue on moving back with mum...