To refuse to tell DSS what’s for dinner?

[Haveyouanyjam]

So my DSS (nearly 9) is something of a fussy eater. He’s gotten a lot better since he’s lived with us (two and a bit years).

I don’t feed him any foods he doesn’t eat, and over time he’s tried a lot more food and won’t baulk at having things such as mushroom in his food (he won’t eat them but will still eat the rest, before he wouldn’t have touched the whole meal if he saw something in it he doesn’t like).

Every day he asks me what’s for dinner at the earliest opportunity (on the weekend he will regularly ask before lunch). Half the time it’s before I’ve even considered what’s for dinner.

If I tell him and it’s something he doesn’t fancy (though as I said it will still be a meal he’s fine to eat) then he sulks and moans. If it’s something he wants, then he will go on and on asking when dinner is going to be ready.

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

I am being unreasonable to tell him he will find out what’s for dinner when it’s served and not before?

I have tried explaining why it’s frustrating when he asks, or if he reacts badly that it can make me feel not great as I go through a lot of effort to try and make healthy but tasty meals that he will actually eat without it being too repetitive, but that has had zero effect. In an ideal world it wouldn’t bother me him asking, but it does (for the reasons above) and I don’t want to get snappy with him for it!

Seems really minor but as it comes up every day! I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc.

Can you get him to tell you what he wants, then make that? Easier in the long run

So, it's either cheese on toast or pie and mash, what would you prefer?

Nice idea but he would choose pizza or fish and chips etc or something equally unhealthy basically every day of the week if we let him! I see what you mean with choice and I do do that sometimes, but he can become quite entitled with some things, and he would just expect to be able to choose every night and fuss if he couldn’t if I did that.

You tell him it's strawberry (or some other ingredient fruit or meat...) surprise.

Then, when you dish up shepherd's pie, you tell him the surprise is there are no strawberries (or some other ingredient you stated) in it...

Whats his dad saying?

Do you shop online or in store?

Would it help to plan your evening meals for the whole week, with his involvement, and display it on a fridge somewhere? Saves him asking, and if he's involved, hopefully less of a hassle every single day.

With a fussy eater, giving him a surprise is just going to make things worse.

i would go with the complete opposite approach, meal plan, and post a menu for the week.

And, occasionally, once you've done the first discussion a few times, you do actually produce a meal with that ingredient in it and say "the surprise is it DOES contain strawberries (or whatever).

That’s a good idea! Though May only work for one day…

Can you buy a “what’s for dinner” sign and then write it on there when you’ve decided.

I see them here all the time. Little blackboard type thing attached to a little statue!

It sounds like he has at least some level of restricted eating. I get it’s annoying for you, but if certain food makes him anxious he genuinely won’t be able to think about anything else, he’s not doing it to annoy you. He should be commended for managing to eat around the foods he finds difficult to eat, rather than berated for asking for some time to prepare himself.

It’s a bad idea. Not knowing will just create more anticipation/anxiety and no time to ‘come around’ if it’s something he’s not keen on.

I would continue with what you have been doing. I find it takes ages for kids to get the message and improve. If you respond in the way you suggest then he doesn’t learn. Plus, it’s unnecessarily authoritarian imo.

Like the idea of a meal plan, and I do do that sometimes. I think the only issue there is work wise I am never totally sure when I’ll be done (work from home most days) so tend to do a shorter or longer meal depending. But I could swap some around and still do the ones for the week! Could definitely give it a go.

I really don’t think you should discount the anxiety factor here. Even eating around the offending food causes anxiety.

He's anxious about food and you are not helping by making him wait to find out what he's eating. It won't help anything.

I tell my girls 'It has mushroom but it's big enough for you to pick out' or 'I've put kidney beans in but you can move them to the side.'

Even better idea, get his dad to sort the meal plan with him

His a fussy eater, just fed him what he will eat. He will grow out of it no need for any drama or fuss. Or try having at least 1 item of food from a safe list you’ve written out with him on the plate each meal time.

If a child is anxious about food keeping dinner a secret is not going to helpful at all. All that’s going to achieve is an even more anxious child not willing to eat anything.

I tell my 6 year old to wait and see as often she’ll try to say she wants something else if it’s before I’ve cooked it.

I’d do a meal plan. Even if you keep a few days as surprise days or end up swapping some days it means he will know roughly that weeks meals.

When I do the big shop I will go to the calendar and since I know I’m doing four curries odd write curry on four random days and now the children know.

At 9 I’d teach him to cook 2 or 3 simple meals that he enjoys and give him one day a week when he cooks (initially with some supervision) and clears away.

If DH doesn’t cook this is the time to allocate him an couple of evenings too.

I suspect that your frustration isn’t the asking or being disappointed with something you don’t like. I suspect that your frustration, and quite reasonably, is with the fact that there is an expectation that you’re responsible for answering the question every single day - the impression that I get from your post is that I don’t know wouldn’t be a reasonable answer.

Halve your mental load around food and I suspect that the frustration will massively reduce……..

I'd just tell him that you don't think about dinner until X time. When you know what you're having for dinner at X time, you will make sure to tell him. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I wouldn't make him wait until it's on the table, that's just petty.

What’s his Dad saying ? Why is all this stress landing on you ?

Does he have any attachment issues? Food is often a huge source of anxiety for children with attachment issues.

Could be totally off the mark, but just a thought.

I suppose maybe this pattern of behaviour is more anxiety related than I considered. He wants to know everything it’s not just food. If I pop into the shop he wants to know what I’ve bought, if someone in the house gets a prescription he wants to know what it’s for, wants to know what the post is etc. He gets upset if I ever say something is private. I think part of it is that his mum’s boundaries were so inconsistent and he never knew what to expect. He values control for the same reason. It can create issues but it’s understandable given where it comes from. I am generally his safe space so it’s probably why he asks me the questions incessantly! Think doing a plan for the week is a good idea. Or certainly ask him what one meal he especially wants to eat that week is. I’ll try and remind myself this so thanks all! He’s come a long way with food really (I mean he used to throw food he didn’t want to eat at his mum so…comparatively I shouldn’t complain!)