To refuse to tell DSS what’s for dinner?

[Haveyouanyjam]

So my DSS (nearly 9) is something of a fussy eater. He’s gotten a lot better since he’s lived with us (two and a bit years).

I don’t feed him any foods he doesn’t eat, and over time he’s tried a lot more food and won’t baulk at having things such as mushroom in his food (he won’t eat them but will still eat the rest, before he wouldn’t have touched the whole meal if he saw something in it he doesn’t like).

Every day he asks me what’s for dinner at the earliest opportunity (on the weekend he will regularly ask before lunch). Half the time it’s before I’ve even considered what’s for dinner.

If I tell him and it’s something he doesn’t fancy (though as I said it will still be a meal he’s fine to eat) then he sulks and moans. If it’s something he wants, then he will go on and on asking when dinner is going to be ready.

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

I am being unreasonable to tell him he will find out what’s for dinner when it’s served and not before?

I have tried explaining why it’s frustrating when he asks, or if he reacts badly that it can make me feel not great as I go through a lot of effort to try and make healthy but tasty meals that he will actually eat without it being too repetitive, but that has had zero effect. In an ideal world it wouldn’t bother me him asking, but it does (for the reasons above) and I don’t want to get snappy with him for it!

Seems really minor but as it comes up every day! I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc.

I take it your children had no issues with neurodivesity? My autistic would rather starve than eat a food he struggles with.

Why on earth would you want to rachet up the anxiety?

It sounds like he has a lot going on bless him. If he has ADHD there could also be sensory reasons why he refuses to eat certain food. I have ADHD and am in my 30s and I still can't bring myself to eat certain foods.
Could there be a way you compromise - maybe come up with a visual wall chart and meal plan for the week. That way he knows what to expect and won't need to question it and he also can be prepared for what's coming. You could also use this as a way to bring in other foods and textures - e.g. you're making a curry whilst he has plain chicken and rice. He knows that's what he's having so when you put a little bowl of sauce beside him which he can choose to try or not. This will help as he's not already in a tizz and can gradually get used to textures and taste. He may never like them but it will help to build his food bank without causing more stress.
With ADHD or even trauma related difficulties it's so important not to dismiss as bad behavior but also obviously as you're doing continue to parent. Visual cues and clear boundaries with one step and a time will be your best friend when navigating issues like this.

This is why I just let the jar be for dc7 only.

To those commenting that my two year old may become fussy…don’t worry I’m aware that there are no guarantees on that end! I just mean that at the minute a lot of work goes into taking into account DSS’ needs specifically. It’s also bound to happen that she will go through choosy phases but I feel prepared for that. It’s hard coming in to parenting a child at an older age where so much has been done that you wouldn’t have done. You can do everything ‘right’ and still end up with a fussy eater.

With a fussy eater, giving him a surprise is just going to make things worse.

i would go with the complete opposite approach, meal plan, and post a menu for the week.

Agree with this. Just do simple food you know he will eat. He might have ARFID. My son does & gets quite anxious about unknown foods. Get him to plan with you?

If I asked when I was a child, my dad would always say " 'am, jam and baa lamb'. I knew that meant there was no use asking. I didn't have any anxiety around food though.

OP it sounds as though you are doing a great job all round!

DS has ASD and ADHD and I have been part of a parent support group for 10 years or so. DS was really fussy when younger (although he would eat things like fish and seafood, all veg, all meat etc, but not weird shaped sausages or lumpy yogurts or fruit.....Very strange)! But many of the other parents had much trickier children - and the general rule was - if they will only eat beige food (nuggets/pizza and chips) then let them. They won't die and always improve over time. Life is too short to be stressed about it.

DS is now 15 and eats a far wider selection of foods than I do (although some fruits still have a texture he can't cope with).

But it sounds as though DSS is doing pretty well - probably due to your efforts, so well done. I agree with PPs that control sounds like the thing here, so a weekly meal plan would be really helpful. Tbh I wish I could do that too - meal planning is my worst nightmare and I HATE trying to think about what to feed people, day in, day out, it's soul destroying.......😫! Might be something I need to think about too.......

You sound amazing op 😊

my friends son always asks what is for dinner when he is anxious. When things are a bit unpredictable, one of his coping mechanisms is to ask what is for dinner (and lunch and breakfast!)
My friend says that for him knowing the meals is like giving the day shape, like having hooks that he can hang the rest of the day around.

My own kids often look at the meal list on the fridge door, and they like to know what dinner is, I get moans when I swap something round so that it isn't what they are expecting.

I think for children where so much of life is out of their control, taking one unknown out of the equation makes them feel more secure in what the world is doing around them.
You dss obviously feels more secure with routine and predictability. He feels safe with structure. Giving him a little more of that will help him and then ultimately you.

just a tip for meal planning.
I have 2 master lists.
One is every meal that I cook. I go down the list and see what I haven't done for a while and what fits with this week. That list saves so much head space of what shall we eat.
I also use my freezer a lot, meat and bread go in there, so if we do have to swap of change meals, they aren't wasted.
My second list is a master shopping list of everything we buy, from wahsing powder to frozen peas. When I do my online shop I go down the list, and it is a great way to remember to keep store cupboard basics topped up.

With those 2 things it makes meal planning much easier. The key is be realistic. Only put down meals that you will actually cook at 6 pm when you have had a busy day.

Can you establish the meals he likes and will eat without a fuss, then batch cook and freeze in single portions for him and whoever else wants that meal

Definitely a meal plan. Maybe we are just used to it but everyone in our house likes to know the menu. We have a weekly plan on the fridge and it does change sometimes but it helps a lot to know what we’re having, especially fussy 9yo dd. Even if you have to say it’s x or y, so much better than no hint at all.

We used to have 2 fussy eaters ( 1 is totally fine and the other just doesn't like fish now - just to give you hope!) but we meal plan together- I have a list of acceptable meals on the fridge ( aporox 30 options) and they choose from there or make suggestions ( pizza/fast food is not in there as it's for emergency no time to cook nights) and then there's a list on the fridge of 7 meals for the week and they know what is coming ( I often remind the fish hater that we are going with his choices on other nights and we all as a family get to choose so he cannot complain! )

Compromise. He can ask, but only after a certain time. He’s clearly anxious about it, I really wouldn’t let this become a divisive issue between you.

Sounds like you've done a great job in supporting him to expand his meal choices already. Maybe you could involve him in planning the weeks meals? Share the choices across the week so he is empowered to make his own choices but also including him to make a choice for the rest of the family and come to some compromises.

Several things going on here.

Your husband has adhd. Definitely look into how that can appear through the family. ND can have lots of issues around food - many related to sensory issues.

Your stepson sounds like he has some kind of trauma attached to living with his mother. This might need addressing by a specialist who works with attachment issues. This is not something you and your husband can sort out between you.

His anxiety- whatever the root cause (ND/attatchment) - is causing issues with food. Have a read up on AFRID. Whilst he doesn’t currently have severe issues with restricting his intake of food, dismissing it as fussing eating and not tackling the cause with specialists could result in an eating disorder I the future.

Oh and ignore any advice around ‘surprises’ and handing over food which is different to what has been suggested. This is a one track way to him refusing to eat. If people joke about safe foods or try to hide ingredients or mislead someone about what they’re eating then they au just refuse their safe foods. I see you always offer a safe food alongside new things and this is definitely the best thing to be doing.

I’ve got an autistic child and one with possible adhd. The autistic one eats a massive range of foods and not the typically beige diet associated with autism, however she can be very routine about what she eats on what days and checking the dates on foods as well. The food she prefers n certain days can change but with discussion and an explanation about why what she’s expecting to eat has changed. We never really planned a fixed meal pan but fell into one for various reasons. She’s not a big fruit eater but I’ve become less so myself as I’m getting put off with fruit when I buy something and it not nice.

My possibly adhd child is the fussy beige eater. She’s gradually increasing her palate now but it’s often a struggle. At one point I had her make a list of foods she would eat and we would rock them off through the week to try and make sure we weren’t having the same every day. Whilst we tend to have different hot meals she does have the same wrap/crisps/cucumber/yoghurt every single day.

Menu planning as best you can would be a good option for you. Sit down with him and agree before you do the shopping, taking into account schedules, and try hard to stick to it. Menu could change weekly but once it’s written then stick with it. You’ll find that he doesn’t ask as much and his anxiety around it all lessens.

Fussy eaters are tricky. I was one. I ate zero veg as a child. Cheese sandwiches daily. The 80s was a time of lots of meals being served with chips. I will not eat a mushroom ever!! It’s a texture thing. Same with tomatoes. I understand the whole beige food being predictable. Although I eat mushroom or tomatoes flavoured sauces. But as an adult I can make choices and cook what I want. Both my kids eat foods I won’t eat so I haven’t passed anything down to them. But o get that it’s not them just being awkward.

I’d have a menu for the week with one “open” day that’s DSS choice - pizza/fish and chips anything he wants. It gives the message that this is the plan and it’s not changing but he has an element of control.

The idea of a posted meal plan might work.
You sound like you have been successfully improving his palete.
Tell him to not ask before a certain time (teach him to read a clock) as you have to decide when you know how much time you have.

My fussy eater son had one night where we had his favourite nutritious meal each week. Does he have a favourite?
Another night could be based around his favourite vegetable.
You have two children so that would help decide four meals.

Start to involve him in the making of the meals that he likes.

Hi @Haveyouanyjam

I have a child who does exactly what you describe. The incessant questions are very tiring.

Interestingly, both he and my DH have ADHD.

It is really common for ADHD to co-exist with Anxiety Disorders, OCD, phobias etc. ADHD is one of the most commonly inherited conditions.

I am very sure that the need to know and control over everything are very much anxiety driven. It's like he can't tolerate any uncertainty at all and as soon as a thought pops into his head "I wonder what's going to be for dinner" he then must have the answer to it.

We also get it about what we're doing that day, who will put his younger sibling to bed, what time X will happen etc. It can feel like having a little dictator around but from his perspective I am sure that the uncertainty and anxiety is crippling.

I deal with it by having a rational discussion with him, that finds a compromise. In this case it would be agreeing with him that a variety of foods are necessary for a healthy diet and writing up a meal plan with him -well with the whole family at the table. What is kind of interesting is that when I think he will be absolutely opposed to XYZ, his rigidity is such that if we all agree XYZ at a dinner table family discussion, then he will then become the enforcer of XYZ because we agreed it! I do have to write some flexibility into these plans and make sure we don't agree anything too unrealistic and rigid, just to suit him. I think it's about giving him the consistency and security of a plan without reinforcing the need for absolute control and rigidity.

Unfortunately I don't think this kind of anxiety and control can be overturned by not working with him on it. Driving more anxiety and insecurity here will likely create bigger problems.

I have a weekly menu up on the fridge it takes some of the load off me because I know what I’m making and meal prep some of it plus it stops everyone else from asking me what’s got tea.

I need to know what I will be eating as I have to mentally prepare. Maybe it’s an ND thing? I don’t know but if I am having fish for dinner, for e.g. but haven’t sort of mentally prepped for that, I would struggle to stomach it. This goes for whatever and if I don’t fancy something on a particular day I can’t eat it at all. Anyway, I sympathise with your ss and would suggest you do something like a weekly menu on a kitchen chalk board.

My mum would say Bum on Toast

@Snugglemonkey fair point.

No you don't have to bend to his demands. You're doing enough by accommodating and offering healthy foods. Just don't let it be a thing. You make the food and he can be grateful for it or not, but he doesn't get to cause you constant grief!