To refuse to tell DSS what’s for dinner?

[Haveyouanyjam]

So my DSS (nearly 9) is something of a fussy eater. He’s gotten a lot better since he’s lived with us (two and a bit years).

I don’t feed him any foods he doesn’t eat, and over time he’s tried a lot more food and won’t baulk at having things such as mushroom in his food (he won’t eat them but will still eat the rest, before he wouldn’t have touched the whole meal if he saw something in it he doesn’t like).

Every day he asks me what’s for dinner at the earliest opportunity (on the weekend he will regularly ask before lunch). Half the time it’s before I’ve even considered what’s for dinner.

If I tell him and it’s something he doesn’t fancy (though as I said it will still be a meal he’s fine to eat) then he sulks and moans. If it’s something he wants, then he will go on and on asking when dinner is going to be ready.

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

I am being unreasonable to tell him he will find out what’s for dinner when it’s served and not before?

I have tried explaining why it’s frustrating when he asks, or if he reacts badly that it can make me feel not great as I go through a lot of effort to try and make healthy but tasty meals that he will actually eat without it being too repetitive, but that has had zero effect. In an ideal world it wouldn’t bother me him asking, but it does (for the reasons above) and I don’t want to get snappy with him for it!

Seems really minor but as it comes up every day! I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc.

Your DH has ADHD, and his son is showing signs of ASD/ADHD behaviours. This anxiety around food is classic. Fussy eating is not just about control, but is also about texture and dopamine. You mentioned he'd choose fish & chips or pizza every day given the chance, and gets 'entitled' about choices, these are anxiety behaviours, and safe foods that provide him with comfort and dopamine.

Try 'either/or' choices and meal plan. Get a white board or chalk board, and involve him. Discuss healthy eating and explain that pizza/fish and chips can't be a daily choice, but give him a sense of control and security by letting him help choose the menu for the week. Suggest he watch recipe videos, on tiktok or YouTube, for inspiration. Watching cooking/food programs on tv expanded my kids food choices, and now they send me links to tiktok recipes and ask if we can make them.

But don't leave him hanging, the suggestion to say 'strawberry surprise' etc is going to make him even more anxious, he's asking you about meals in advance so he's got time to prepare himself.

I don't know as its been mentioned as I've not time to rtft but when I was child and used to demand to know what we were having for dinner for this same reason, my mother used to screech, "Shit with hair on!" It might be worth a try.

You are being perfectly reasonable as you aren't giving things dc will freak out at andbwe do all have to try new things. My DC has ASC and its an absolute nightmare do I feel your pain. You should be getting his dad to cook more, then he'll see how hard it is.

@steppemum this sounds like such a great idea!! Don’t suppose you could PM me your lists for some recipe inspiration could you!?!?

My dad would say, "bread and catch it" ie whatever you can catch.

It sounds like he is anxious about his dinner.

Get HIM to do a meal plan. Or do it with him. That can go on the fridge and he can see what it is.

9 is a great time to learn cooking, start with something he likes to eat.

Once he can make something then he can cook with dad one day a week. Then he can learn something new. Pizza is fairly easy and a good place to start.

Try Putting a dinner menu up on the wall for the week.
my daughter was like this, it’s got better since I involved her in menu choices for the week and told her it’s not always going to be her favourite sometimes it’ll be another family members choice

Sounds like the child has sensory issues with food. You can’t assume that it doesn’t come from a place of stress, the stress might not be about your reaction/whether he has to eat it or not. My son can’t even look at a plate with toast crumbs on it without gagging. I agree with pp, do a weekly meal plan. Get him to help you with it. That will save you the hassle of thinking about what to cook every day and it will stop him reacting to it.

Egg shapes !! This is what I used to say when my kids kept on and on asking !!
what are egg shapes ?? You will find out at dinner time 🤣🤣🤣
Everytime !!! He will soon get fed up asking !!

If I’m honest kids have to much choice they should eat what your cooking take choices away don’t increase them it’s too much for a child !

I rememeber my Dad and Mum answering our questions of What is for tea?
They always answered .. Air Pie.

With this in mind maybe just write a list of meals for the week with no set days and cross them off as you cook them. At least then he knows it will be one of the listed ones, and if he keeps asking you can refer him back to the list.

I think you are missing the point.

The child is anxious around food. So he is spending a lot of time worrying about what is for dinnner.
To plan the meals so that he can see what is coming and feel resssured that it is something he can eat will help his anxiety and in the long run also help him to expand his list of foods he can eat.

I am a bit 🤔at all the posters saying - OH my mum said it was Wait and See Pudding or whatever, just don't tell him, he can wait.
Have none of you come across neuro diverse kids or kids with anxiety? Taking the unknowns out of the day is extrememly helpful. It also acknowledges to the child that you understand his anxiety.

It doesn't mean that he gets pampered to. But it may well mean that you have to provide food that he feels comfortable eating.
try and imagine for a moment how stressful it is to be a kid and be worried that you won't be able to eat dinner. 🙁

it is quite a personal list as I have lived in several countries and so cook dishes from there. And it is scribbled all over!

I have several times printed off lists of recipes from mn threads of 'What is for dinner?' and tried tham out, then added a couple of favourites from there. They are good places to start.

I just started with my recipe folder. Everything I cook goes on the master list, even if it is frozen pizza. So the list is a list of meals. That makes it easy to look at and choose according to the day eg need a quick meal for Tuesday, whats on the list that's quick?

Why? Why should he have separate meals catered to him?

I too have a fussy, slow eater. There's some things he just won't eat and fair enough I have my own dislikes. But I wouldn't tolerate fussiness to the point you don't eat the entire meal. My ds would pick out the mushrooms but he's not allowed to say no to the entire meal. His choice is eat it or starve. There isn't an offer of fruit or toast later, because that just makes the problem worse. He eats perfectly fine at school so if he can manage that then he has no choice at home.

I am not a fussy eater, I pretty much eat all foods. But there are about 3 or 4 things which I really dislike.

I am trying to imagine what it must be like to be hungry and sit down to a plate of (my hates) broad beans, walnuts and peanut butter and that those are the only things I am allowed to eat. Even picking those things out of a dish would leave their flavour.

It must make meal times like a form of torture.

Each of my kids have things they dislike. If we are eating that, and they can't pick it out, then of course I will make sure there is something they can eat available.
Sometimes I do that by taking some of the sauce out before I add the mushroom for example, and they have separate sauce. Sometimes I make two saucepans with all the same stuff expect one ingredient (did this for years with spicy foods to make one portion without heat). Sometimes I will make some rice when the rest of us have couscous.
Often I will plan it so there is left overs from yesterday for dd when we eat something she doesn't like.

I don't cook 2 meals, but I do cook 1.5 meals sometimes, or cook extra on one day for leftovers the next. It isn't a massive amount, maybe one meal a week when I have to make accommodations. I do it so that my kids have something decent to eat when they come home tired and hungry.

I am baffled by the attitude which is - eat food you don't like or go hungry.

“Spit on toast” 🤷‍♀️

@Chipsahoyagain

His choice is eat it or starve. There isn't an offer of fruit or toast later, because that just makes the problem worse

That sounds good in theory but my son would definitely choose to starve than eat something that other people would consider harmless. Look into ARFID.