To refuse to tell DSS what’s for dinner?

[Haveyouanyjam]

So my DSS (nearly 9) is something of a fussy eater. He’s gotten a lot better since he’s lived with us (two and a bit years).

I don’t feed him any foods he doesn’t eat, and over time he’s tried a lot more food and won’t baulk at having things such as mushroom in his food (he won’t eat them but will still eat the rest, before he wouldn’t have touched the whole meal if he saw something in it he doesn’t like).

Every day he asks me what’s for dinner at the earliest opportunity (on the weekend he will regularly ask before lunch). Half the time it’s before I’ve even considered what’s for dinner.

If I tell him and it’s something he doesn’t fancy (though as I said it will still be a meal he’s fine to eat) then he sulks and moans. If it’s something he wants, then he will go on and on asking when dinner is going to be ready.

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

I am being unreasonable to tell him he will find out what’s for dinner when it’s served and not before?

I have tried explaining why it’s frustrating when he asks, or if he reacts badly that it can make me feel not great as I go through a lot of effort to try and make healthy but tasty meals that he will actually eat without it being too repetitive, but that has had zero effect. In an ideal world it wouldn’t bother me him asking, but it does (for the reasons above) and I don’t want to get snappy with him for it!

Seems really minor but as it comes up every day! I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc.

One of my SDD's is like this the other and DS don't think about it.
We started meal planning and putting up on the wall and ignoring complaints. It helps to have something they do like the night after a non preferred dinner.
Mine is 15 so not got over it yet!
Makes it easier to shop and the other kids like it too

I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc

That doesn’t rule out anxiety. Some people still need to be reassured - their brains/emotions simply won’t trust the evidence of previous dinners. A lot less people would have anxiety if it was that simple! As it’s most days, I think it might partly be habit. I’d try telling him you won’t know until 16:00 (or whatever) and carefully noting his behaviour. If it’s habit or just being annoying, he shouldn’t seem too uncomfortable. If it’s anxiety driven you might see that in his behaviour.

I think there’s a fine line between accepting this is (might be) an issue he can’t help and therefore meal planning, and similarly accepting he can’t help it but encouraging him through exposure to the uncertainty. Only you are close enough to him to decide which - but I wouldn’t rule out either.

I’m going to join the others in saying - where is his dad in this? Even if as a family you are happily choosing to be the meal person, why are you having to turn to MN and not his dad to talk it through? Are we an additional perspective to his, or hasn’t he contributed?

Just tell him you haven't decided yet. Wait and see.

I wouldn't play games. If he asks what's for dinner, just tell him. If he starts moaning and whining, that's up to him. Just pretend you can't hear him.

His dad does cook but is very simple with meals so he knows he’s most likely getting oven food on dad’s nights. He has ADHD (my husband) and gets overwhelmed with lots of different elements of cooking. I also do actually like to cook I just hate having to decide all the time what to make.

It's the first things Dts ask when they walk in the door from school, despite having to help with meal planning and the meals being in the fridge...

Tell him what it is if he doesn't eat it his dad can deal with it.

Until ds was 12 we had no idea..... ASD surfaced and his similar obsession with knowing what he was eating fell into place. Even a regular meal he can't eat unless he has advance notice what will appear on his plate... Maybe pause and also yourself why he is like this.... I also get dc can be utter little buggars round most things at some point but just ime...

Given your adhd update I rest my suspected case...

I always gave my children a choice every night..take it or leave it...they pretty much always took it.

Can you let him get involved in menu planning with a list of meals and him helping to balance out healthy and not as heathly?

If he is not there daily you could plan the month in advance.

I have a fussy anxious eater - telling him it’s X surprise, then revealing no X was the surprise would result in a fairly epic meltdown and a loss of trust in what I say. I don’t trick my children. Keeping dinner a secret would result in a series of meltdowns all day.

We meal plan, with his input. It goes on a board. All questions about food are referred to the board. The constant asking is part of his anxiety around food. All meals have components he will eat, or I cook him something separate but easy out the freezer - in theory he has nothing to be anxious or asking about, but lots of anxieties are irrational. Sometimes when he’s constantly asking I turn it around and ask him what he would like to be responsible for cooking - occasionally this has resulted in him trying something new or at least practicing his cookery.

If he was my SS and I wasn’t a SAHM I’d be insisting DH took on some of the responsibility- the endless questioning is wearing and it’s not your sole responsibility to make meals.

My own DS used to say this.
"Air pie without the pastry" shut him up after a few repetitions

I'm going to suggest that you do decide in advance what everyone is having over the weekend and meal plan.
He'll stop mithering and you'll stop feeling stressed.
Have set meal times. Have certain snacks available that kids can help themselves to between meals.
My DSS (who is NT) used to find his Dad's approach to mealtimes very stressful and would constantly ask what was for dinner and when we would be eating. Kids mostly really like and need routine and predictably - especially when they live between 2 homes.

@Haveyouanyjam can you sit down with him and ask him (even if you already know) which foods he really finds hard to eat. For my girls (ASD), it isn't just flavour, it's texture. For example, DD3 will eat a smooth soup, but can't cope with chunky soup or casserole. DD2 can eat roast potatoes but not mashed potatoes, etc. DD3 finds carrots difficult - too al dente and they feel raw and crunchy, but too well cooked they are mushy and too sweet.

It does sound like your DSS is generally anxious. This is a good opportunity to build his trust. Could you get a white board and write 'Today's dinner is..... We will have dinner at.....' Then you can just say "Go and look at the board".

My dh and dc do this! I now say ‘don’t know yet’, ‘wait and see’ or if I’m feeling sarcastic, I say ‘food’.

'Dinner is for dinner' in Jen Bristow stylee. This would be have been my mothers response....

I was going to say it seems like he gets anxious and knowing what to expect makes him feel more in control and makes him worry less. If that resonates with you that it might be the case, then having it written down on a meal plan would probably massively help. That way he's not calling the shots but he knows what to expect which hopefully makes him feel less anxious and takes up less headspace over it all for him.

My mum used to tell me it was 'iffit' when I asked about dinner/lunch etc. No idea why, but it was 'iffit'. I'm starting to wonder if that was her solution to me asking all the time...

Definitely meal plan, that will help, and maybe even think about doing Gousto or something for a while to get in the habit. That way he could help you choose from the list of meals with nice pictures.

Very much about attachment.

Do you have a slow cooker, this might solve the issue of when you dont have as much time as other nights if you're late finishing for example, you can start the meal in the morning alongside the meal planning/his involvement

But its OK for you to choose what you eat every night?

OP, you all need to sit down as a family, make a list of all the meals everyone likes then each week do a meal plan before the food shop is done. That way, everyone will know what meals they are having every day, all the ingredients will be to hand too.

At 9! Don’t be daft.

My mum always had a rule never to tell us what was for dinner. I guess it was probably for similar reasons - someone was bound to moan about it, or maybe she just hadn't always decided at that point and didn't want to get into discussion about it. Her standard answer if we asked was "frogs' legs and ants' eggs, spiders' knees and pigeons' toes"! That said, as others have said it sounds like your DSS's issues could be more anxiety driven so might need a different approach.

@Caerulea My mum always used to say iffits, which apparently meant if it’s in the cupboard you can have it. Her other favourite when we’d continually ask what was for dinner was shit dabs!

Don’t know if it’s a Yorkshire thing but in response to that question DHs family say ‘shit wi’ sugar on’

I have a fussy eater, and It's not a battle I'm willing to have anymore. I let him know what I'm making & if he doesn't fancy it, then he can make himself something. I keep a stock in the freezer of pizza, chips, chicken strip, pies, fish fingers that kind of thing. He likes it and it's easy to cook. I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but in the meantime, life's too short to do battle over dinner