To refuse to tell DSS what’s for dinner?

[Haveyouanyjam]

So my DSS (nearly 9) is something of a fussy eater. He’s gotten a lot better since he’s lived with us (two and a bit years).

I don’t feed him any foods he doesn’t eat, and over time he’s tried a lot more food and won’t baulk at having things such as mushroom in his food (he won’t eat them but will still eat the rest, before he wouldn’t have touched the whole meal if he saw something in it he doesn’t like).

Every day he asks me what’s for dinner at the earliest opportunity (on the weekend he will regularly ask before lunch). Half the time it’s before I’ve even considered what’s for dinner.

If I tell him and it’s something he doesn’t fancy (though as I said it will still be a meal he’s fine to eat) then he sulks and moans. If it’s something he wants, then he will go on and on asking when dinner is going to be ready.

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

I am being unreasonable to tell him he will find out what’s for dinner when it’s served and not before?

I have tried explaining why it’s frustrating when he asks, or if he reacts badly that it can make me feel not great as I go through a lot of effort to try and make healthy but tasty meals that he will actually eat without it being too repetitive, but that has had zero effect. In an ideal world it wouldn’t bother me him asking, but it does (for the reasons above) and I don’t want to get snappy with him for it!

Seems really minor but as it comes up every day! I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc.

I mean…yes it’s fine for me to choose every night because I don’t just do it based on what I fancy, I take into account the family’s wants and needs and am the one responsible for doing it?

I think I assumed it wasn’t anxiety because if I asked him why he wanted to know, he would say something a long the lines of that he has a right to know. However, that may just be because he can’t recognise his own anxiety.

I think meal planning for the week is a good idea, as is having some sort of visual so he can check without asking me (inevitably he still will as it’s quicker than reading it but at least I can point him toward it). That will also reduce my stress reaction to him wanting to know.

in terms of those suggesting textures etc. I genuinely do not feed him anything that is unfamiliar to him. If we eat something out of the ordinary he will still have an ordinary option and it’s entirely up to him if he wants to try it. We strongly praise trying any new food and don’t force him to finish/eat something he doesn’t like. He genuinely doesn’t mind having things like mushrooms in his food so long as they are big enough to pick out and I make sure they are. He would say straight out if there was something he didn’t want to eat, it’s more moaning about just not fancying it. For example, he never fancies sausage and mash but will eat every single scrap of it every time without hesitation…

That was apparently what my grandmother used to say - if it’s there you can have it, if it’s not then you can’t.

A 9 year old is perfectly capable of cooking with an adults help.

If your NT 9 year old isn't, might be time to let them start helping in the kitchen.

I think the emolument of surprise will make him anxious.

I'd get him involved with meal planning for the week and helping with the shop and cooking.

We meal plan on the weekend, shop, then I write it on a wipe board in the utility. I send the kids into there to look everytime someone asks. It has helped in our organisation and managing everyone’s likes / dislikes and food anxieties.

Is there any staple food that he really likes? Bread, mashed potato, a particular vegetable? If so would it help to say 'I'm not sure what we will have with it, but there will definitely be...'? Just a thought.

I'd just tell him it's a surprise and repeat until he gets bored of asking.

Do a fortnightly meal plan (or 3 weeks, whatever you can stand - pain to set up but it does reduce the mental load!), go through it with DSS and stick it on the fridge. Let him have some input and show him that there will always be something he can eat - e.g. if you do jacket potatoes he can have his without the topping, pasta without the sauce, or whatever.

He sounds unusually anxious, about food and other issue. Where's Dad in that?

I'd work on what's bothering you. You're not so much bothered by him asking (although that is irritating), but by his reaction.

And his reaction is dead rude. That is the problem to start solving. He's 9, well old enough to understand how that makes you feel. It's ungrateful of your effort and thoughtfulness. You are not running a chippie or a cafe, you are prepping healthy family meals, with his preferences already in mind.

So I would have Dad explain and enforce - he can ask, you'll answer if you know the answer, and he will not moan, grimace or complain.

I would try writing the dinner plans on a whiteboard, where he can see for himself and deal with his emotions about it, without telling you.

And Dad really needs to be addressing this problem. The anxiety, I mean.

I suppose he is a bit young for "shit with sugar on" as my mum would say if we asked

Given that this seems born from anxiety I'd sit down with him and on squares of paper or post it notes, each write 7, realistic, evening meals. You could add a couple of 'wild card' meals (treat type meals/take away). Then, using the post it notes, plan the meals for the week with your DSS. Get him to help you write a shopping list.
Put the meals for each day on the fridge (somewhere accessible) and if they have to shift around then try and do it well in advance so he knows what's coming. Then repeat the next Sunday. As an adult I wouldn't want to spend each day not having any idea what I'm eating that evening. Give him a bit of control over it and it might ease his anxiety around it.

And his reaction is dead rude. That is the problem to start solving.

He's also at the age where he's learning he can make some demands of women to cater to his needs. While the anxiety is obviously something than can be distressful, it sounds like he's also growing some entitlement as he uses words like 'it's my right to know'. Like women are here to cater to his every day request rather than you as DSM is working hard to make sure the family is fed healthy meals. He needs to learn gratitude and he should also start to learn how to cook, set the table (maybe he already has chores, so not judging you here), help clean up etc. where he is part of the family unit that works together to make sure needs are met. He needs some food making responsibility too - like maybe come up with a recipe he can make that addresses everyone's needs.

We are addressing the deeper issues, both myself and his dad. He unfortunately went through an awful lot living with his mum, and it took a lot of patience and waiting for our points to be proved before he came to live with us.

My husband absolutely does support me with him, but had a pretty awful childhood himself so doesn’t always have the right instinct on it, so we tend to discuss and agree an approach together. He works different hours so usually isn’t there when I’m facing the questions, but would definitely say something when he is.

DSS can be very rude, we are working on it. He had a really bad example unfortunately.

He is my DSS but I have been in his life a long time and I am the most stable adult in his life. He lives with both of us and I have PR. Him being my step son is really irrelevant, as his mum is not a consistent figure in his life and so I am that person for him.

He has ADHD (my husband) and gets overwhelmed with lots of different elements of cooking.

You might like to have a read about ADHD and genetics and anxiety before you decide his son’s behaviour doesn’t have an anxiety driven element!

I'd be involving him with a family meal plan, done at the weekend. Everyone can make requests. Food HAS to be healthy every day except Friday (for example), but he can have some choice. For example, he may hate mushrooms (fine) but request pasta bake or fajitas.

His Dad has ADHD.

My DS asked what is for dinner for the past years and years. Diagnosed with ADHD at age 18.

I remember watching the movie Inside Out years ago with them, he was about aged 10, and asked him what emotion did he identify with most. Straightaway he said 'Disgust'. I was shocked.

It is anxiety about food, because some kids are super sensitive to tastes, smells etc and so unfortunately food has become a daily threat they need to manage.

Because they've zero control over what's coming at them.

It's a bit like someone saying to you, today might be fish guts or cold slimy porridge for dinner.

So you'd want to know in advance so you can 'prepare' your taste buds to cope.

Those types of people are trying to cope with threats in the world all day and it seems to them the more they know what to expect the easier it is.

The preparation becomes a habit in itself.

So I'd be gentle and say not sure yet come and ask me later.

But try to understand he's trying to manage a more complicated internal system of thoughts than you have.

Really? He gets to dictate what they eat?

Meal plan for the week and stick it on the fridge?

High levels of anxiety and sensory sensitivities are associated with ADHD. Sounds like he has ADHD like his dad and his sensory needs have resulted in restrictive eating and he has high levels of anxiety about this and the families approach to meal times.

I think I’d look at setting a time when he can ask you - say at 3pm every day if you can’t do a weekly meal plan (I struggle with them) but make sure he knows if he doesn’t fancy what’s on offer he can have jacket potato/beans on toast/whatever instead.

Longer term, I think getting him involved in cooking a couple of meals a week will help ease some of his anxiety around food. I was an extremely fussy eater up until I moved out and had to cook for myself. I now eat pretty much everything and I often think if I’d been given the option to cook meals at home I could have saved my poor mum a lot of stress.

So the dad has experienced poor parenting and probably a number of ACEs and also the child, so huge attachment issues for both

And yes to answer another point, of course the OP gets to 'control' whats for dinner, aka being a parent!!!

I was going to suggest this.

It also gives you the clause that when he asks all you have to say is "go check the menu". I'd probably even go as far as putting a sign up saying "dinner is served at ....." then fill in the time daily. Again so he can find the 8mo without chewing your ears off!

I should add the above worked with my ds who is ND so if your SS is like his dad it may help him.

My dd wants one of those toddler compartment plates for Christmas.. She is 18. No idea of her ASD until 3 years ago also.

Just to say, I think you sound like a lovely person who really cares 💐you’ve taken on some constructive suggestions and I’ve nothing to add - but wanted to tell you!