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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to tell DSS what’s for dinner?

141 replies

Haveyouanyjam · 12/11/2023 18:43

So my DSS (nearly 9) is something of a fussy eater. He’s gotten a lot better since he’s lived with us (two and a bit years).

I don’t feed him any foods he doesn’t eat, and over time he’s tried a lot more food and won’t baulk at having things such as mushroom in his food (he won’t eat them but will still eat the rest, before he wouldn’t have touched the whole meal if he saw something in it he doesn’t like).

Every day he asks me what’s for dinner at the earliest opportunity (on the weekend he will regularly ask before lunch). Half the time it’s before I’ve even considered what’s for dinner.

If I tell him and it’s something he doesn’t fancy (though as I said it will still be a meal he’s fine to eat) then he sulks and moans. If it’s something he wants, then he will go on and on asking when dinner is going to be ready.

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

I am being unreasonable to tell him he will find out what’s for dinner when it’s served and not before?

I have tried explaining why it’s frustrating when he asks, or if he reacts badly that it can make me feel not great as I go through a lot of effort to try and make healthy but tasty meals that he will actually eat without it being too repetitive, but that has had zero effect. In an ideal world it wouldn’t bother me him asking, but it does (for the reasons above) and I don’t want to get snappy with him for it!

Seems really minor but as it comes up every day! I will also say this doesn’t seem to come from a place of anxiety as he knows he doesn’t have to eat anything he really doesn’t like etc.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 20:38

Soontobe60 · 12/11/2023 19:37

But its OK for you to choose what you eat every night?

OP, you all need to sit down as a family, make a list of all the meals everyone likes then each week do a meal plan before the food shop is done. That way, everyone will know what meals they are having every day, all the ingredients will be to hand too.

Show quote history

@Soontobe60

errr yeah of course it’s ok! Op is the adult, he is a child.

angsanana · 12/11/2023 20:39

OP, it sounds like you've taken a lot of this on board already, but it sounds like DSS is projecting a lot of his anxiety onto food and eating.
Eating (or not) is very much linked to control in children. It's one of the few things they can consistently control, and so it can become a proxy for deeper rooted feelings.
Please try and work with him to do things like meal plan. Write it up and remind him in the morning before he goes to school. If he loves the beige, then just add it in. So have pizza. But pizza with carrot sticks and cucumber. Or chips but with fish fillets instead of fish fingers. Let him help plan it, and teach him that he can be in control of things in his own life

Original poster
Haveyouanyjam · 12/11/2023 20:40

He may have ADHD, and he is under CAMHS, but there is nothing severe enough on that side that would mean they are likely to diagnose at this stage.

It is complicated by the trauma and poor parenting he has experienced in his early years, as only time will tell if these behaviours are due to that, or that and some ND.

His mum also used to just give in to pressure/fuss so basically just fed him crap for the first 6 years of his life (chocolate as a baby etc.) so think it’s a combination. We are undoing a lot of what has been done and so far we are doing well, but this one just gets to me as it’s something that creates enough frustration in me as it is, so definitely appreciate the suggestions and will take a number on board. It will likely help us both.

I do cook with him when I can and do feel that has helped. I have also said plainly that when he is old enough and able to cook for himself that he will get more of a say, I was cooking for the family at 12 so I will certainly encourage it. His personal hygiene needs some work first though (another issue). I came into kitchen halfway into him making himself Nutella on toast the other day to find he had stuck an unwashed finger in the jar and helped himself!!

It can be hard sometimes to balance understanding his additional needs at the same time as maintaining reasonable boundaries and not letting him take the mick, as given half the chance he does exploit any change to routine/rules (learned behaviour obviously he’s too young to be manipulative in his own right). We talk a lot about need versus want as part of him believes he should be able to do/have whatever he wants.

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 12/11/2023 20:41

Sounds like the poor kid has had a tough time. I wouldn't be making a fuss over dinner, just get a list of meals that he likes and serve them up, augmented for the rest of you if they're a bit plain.

A daily, safe, nutritious meal that he can eat every day will be important. And I don't think "What's for dinner" is such a crazy question, I would have always asked it.

Your 2yo will likely become fussier over time as well, most kids do to some extent.

ColleenDonaghy · 12/11/2023 20:44

I came into kitchen halfway into him making himself Nutella on toast the other day to find he had stuck an unwashed finger in the jar and helped himself!!

I know that's gross, but I also suspect many 9yos have done it!

Ponderingwindow · 12/11/2023 20:45

You are describing a child who needs a highly structured environment to feel comfortable. The more predictably and routine you can provide, the more he will relax. This should allow him to form better bonds and eventually even gain perspective on why he needs that structure and routine in the first place.

gotomomo · 12/11/2023 20:46

Personally I wouldn't give in to him, it makes it worse. I would just say you are sure yet until you are actually cooking

Lovesgreen · 12/11/2023 20:51

Would also recommend setting a menu for the week. We sit each weekend with our children, ask them to choose 1 or 2 meals each they would like in the coming week then discuss the others, ensuring we have some variety throughout the week, fish, chicken, pasta, veg etc. They don't love all of the meals but we tend to find ones they are ok with. We have a wipeable menu on the fridge with days of the week on so we refresh it every week and they can see what's for dinner every night. It's fair and they know what's coming so more accepting of the meal choices. We do swap them around depending on time available to cook. DS loves trying new dishes, DD a bit fussy, both always drove me nuts asking what was for dinner before we developed this system 😀

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 20:57

Those who meal plan and set menus and all that…

do you not find it incredibly restrictive?! Like do you never just not fancy what’s on the menu?

bellac11 · 12/11/2023 21:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 20:57

Those who meal plan and set menus and all that…

do you not find it incredibly restrictive?! Like do you never just not fancy what’s on the menu?

This is how we/I ended up with tons of food waste unfortunately. I can plan all I like but it might not be what I fancy

honeylulu · 12/11/2023 21:05

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 20:57

Those who meal plan and set menus and all that…

do you not find it incredibly restrictive?! Like do you never just not fancy what’s on the menu?

Would lead to ridiculous amount of food waste. Sometimes swap some days around.

What's the alternative? Do you have to have a family discussion every single meal and then one poor sod (likely the woman) has to go out and shop for ingredients every time? Who has time for that? I work FT and so can only shop once a week.

TheOccupier · 12/11/2023 21:10

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 20:57

Those who meal plan and set menus and all that…

do you not find it incredibly restrictive?! Like do you never just not fancy what’s on the menu?

I wouldn't suggest meal planning for a single person or even a couple but when you are working FT with limited time to shop/cook and coming home to hungry children who then hang around the kitchen asking you when supper will be ready as you're trying to get it together, it's easier not to have to think about it. You can always go freestyle on the weekends...

Lovesgreen · 12/11/2023 21:12

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/11/2023 20:57

Those who meal plan and set menus and all that…

do you not find it incredibly restrictive?! Like do you never just not fancy what’s on the menu?

No, not restrictive, we can swap around days if needed, we also like to eat out or get a take away once in a while on impulse. I couldn't stand having to pop to the shops every day for ingredients for a decent meal. So much easier around busy lives and hungry children to be organised with a weekly shop

Pippim · 12/11/2023 21:18

I love to cook but after years of cooking for a family the novelty wears off. Worse than cooking is the planning. I don't think your boy is remotely unusual in wanting to know what's for dinner.
My DSs never stopped adking until the day they left home. Also be aware that food seems to become more important to teenage boys as they grow.

I did find a weekly menu stuck on the fridge was helpful, providing I was able to improvise and swap around if it suited me.

BitofaStramash · 12/11/2023 21:20

Why not meal plan with him once a week and then he knows what is coming each day.

It will also help you with shopping and organising.

theduchessofspork · 12/11/2023 21:24

Doggymummar · 12/11/2023 18:45

Can you get him to tell you what he wants, then make that? Easier in the long run

Well not really, because presumably the rest of the family don’t want to eat what he would choose the whole time

I’d just tell him you don’t know yet OP, rather than turn it into a battle of wills

Graceymac99 · 12/11/2023 21:30

OP you sound like a really lovely step mum. I agree with the meal planning option. One of my DD’s was very picky with food and only liked a small range of meals so we would batch cook her favourites and freeze them. Much easier to cater for everyone that way.

NoCheaperTransactions · 12/11/2023 21:37

I also agree the OP sounds like a terrific SM.

One of my children has autism and related sensory issues around food. Meal planning and putting it on a whiteboard really helped with his anxiety around food.

I love meal planning. I do it on a Sunday night with a cup of tea and then that takes care of the mental load for the week.

Sickoffamilydrama · 12/11/2023 21:40

Don't rule out ADHD because the combination of symptoms he presents with aren't big or disruptive my DD presents as quite and easygoing inside she's in absolute turmoil.

All my children have either ADHD or Autism (genetics really are a bugger). My eldest has lots of food aversions and it was only when she got to 13/14 I started to realise she might have ADHD low and behold she does and she hid a lot of the anxiety it was causing her for years.

WYorkshireRose · 12/11/2023 21:40

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

Don't count your chickens. DS also ate everything at 2 and became increasingly fussy over the following few years.

It can be very difficult for children to have zero say in decisions which after their day to day lives. How would you feel if you had all of your food decisions made by someone else, and had to eat whatever was on offer, whether you fancied it or not? Personally, I'd try letting him choose his own meals at least a couple of days a week. Or introduce some kind of rota where everyone gets their chosen meal X number of nights per week.

UsingChangeofName · 12/11/2023 21:50

He's anxious about food and you are not helping by making him wait to find out what he's eating. It won't help anything.

I have to agree with this.

Once you have done your shop for the week, can you not then write up what you've got - a whiteboard, blackboard, piece of paper stuck on the fridge ?
Not as restrictive as meal planning before you shop, or having the same things all the time, but a fairly easy way to ease his anxiety.

NoCheaperTransactions · 12/11/2023 21:56

WYorkshireRose · 12/11/2023 21:40

I carry the mental load and thinking of what for dinner is a key frustration I have, especially where I do my best to take into account what he will and won’t eat (our two year old DD isn’t fussy at all and will eat basically everything).

Don't count your chickens. DS also ate everything at 2 and became increasingly fussy over the following few years.

It can be very difficult for children to have zero say in decisions which after their day to day lives. How would you feel if you had all of your food decisions made by someone else, and had to eat whatever was on offer, whether you fancied it or not? Personally, I'd try letting him choose his own meals at least a couple of days a week. Or introduce some kind of rota where everyone gets their chosen meal X number of nights per week.

That is a good idea. I will try that also. I do tend to just choose all the meals.

You are so right though about it hard to be a kid and having very little say about your life. I remember hating that when I was growing up. My school, my food, my bedroom decor, how i spent my evenings and weekends were all down to what my parents decided.

ExplodingSmittens · 12/11/2023 22:00

Could he have ARFID? DC with ARFID often ask this question early in the day and can have a lot of anxiety around food.

We get around it by having "safe" foods in the freezer, so if they are overwhelmed by what's for Dinner, they know that they can cook one if their safe foods.

If it is ARFID, he's not being fussy or difficult, he's incredibly anxious Flowers

Peachyscream · 12/11/2023 22:06

A meal plan with 2 options for dinner. Easy/fast meal and a more time consuming one. So it’ll be one or the other. Just make sure the easy one uses staple ingredients, frozen veg etc.
my sons autistic, it’s what I do for him

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