To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

OP I understand why everyone is asking what will happen if her health deteriorates, she might be lonely etc but from what you said I think you may damage your relationship further if you question her. It sounds like she has made her decision and does not want you to question it.

@MaisyAndTallulah Are we even reading the same thread?

She is being extreamly short sighted. Having said that, there is something that is not quite right with the life she is living today. Is she feeling lonely?
She is obviously not content. Make a heart to heart with her and try and get to the bottom of how she is feeling.
I would feel upset to, however I would want her to live her life and be happy.

I never said she should pretend but you can be try and be happy for someone rather than just being upset. What’s wrong with “I will miss you so much but understand you want this and I will give you my support”

Honestly?

I'd be having a frank discussion about future care needs and making clear with 2 young dc and 200+ miles away it won't be you doing it.

I think it's fair and sensible to make this clear.

Then wish her well and paste a smile on.

Your Mum has a right to retire wherever she wants and it doesn't mean that she loves you any less. Now is not the time to flounce and start 'reassessing your relationship'. She's your Mum. She loves you. It sounds like it's something she has been planning ( and probably looking forward to) for a while. Even if it's not and she is moving because it's harder than she thought looking after the kids so what? It's not her job. She's been there done that. She can still have a great relationship with the kids. My Mum and Dad moved before we had kids. To somewhere not particularly convenient that takes more than a few hours to get to. They don't love us any less. We go and stay once or twice a year fora week or two. It's great for school holidays. When the kids are older we can send them on their own and have some couple time. Try and look at the positives. Yes you'll miss her but you can facetime loads and she can talk to the kids loads too. She will be happy and starting a new adventure. And for god's sake apologise! You handled this badly and you know it. Take her some flowers, tell her you're happy for her and help her with what she needs to make her dream come true.

I’m in my late 40s. I moved over 1000 miles from my parents when I was 22 and have no plans to return to the UK.
I can retire at 57, which I class as still young. I want to travel, maybe live somewhere else in the summer. My DD24 has already told me she doesn’t want me to move away from her. She’s starting her own life, moving in with her boyfriend and about to start her career.
I find it very unreasonable that she is already saying this to me.
Let your mum live her life - life is too short.

Yes, I think that does need to be at least mentioned. With even the best will in the world, there's going to be a limit to what you can offer from 200 miles away. She needs to at least be told that before making a decision like this. It's one of those situations where being supportive doesn't mean agreeing.

Yes exactly this. You can't be doing 400 mile round trips every five minutes. Does she realise this? Is she planning to buy a future-proof home?

She's chosen the specific area she's looking at, as it's where she used to holiday as a child, and we occasionally went growing up so it is a nice place to visit, but costly

As PP have said, visiting somewhere nice as a kid is not remotely the same as living there at age 70 when you have limited mobility/health issues. You say you cared for her after an operation so what on earth will she do next time?!

I'd be having a frank discussion about future care needs and making clear with 2 young dc and 200+ miles away it won't be you doing it

I also agree with this. Support her choice but you do need to have a gentle chat about how you wont be able to help her living so far away. This needs to be made clear so she can make her own informed decision. Its wouldnt be fair of her to expect you to offer the same kind of help you did before when she's 200 miles away. I think she'll end up regretting it TBH.

@GoonieGang Or OP could have an honest discussion with her mum and air her concerns. I wish I'd done that when my mum made a similar move. It may not have changed her mind, but at least I wouldn't be wondering "should I have spoken up more?". Yes, OP's mum is an adult, but when family members look like they are about to make stupid mistakes, we have a duty to at least say something.

The rhythm and sound of the waves, the power of the water, the constantly changing colours, the smell of the sea, the salty spray, the nature associated with it.

I’ve recently fulfilled my lifelong dream of living by the sea, and I absolutely love it.

@Boredatthemoment 57 is very different to 70 with mobility issues

What do the many people without DC do?

Also, I would hate for my DC to feel that they can’t move away and live their lives just because I’ll get older one day.

You are selling it girl!!

I'd love to but property is so expensive! I would love to live with a view of the sea. One of my favourite things ever is gaze at the sun shimmering on the sea (or any waterway for that matter) and I'd love to be all cosy watching big waves in a storm.

It's my happy place!

Do you see how completely not comparable your situation is with OP’s mum? You’re over 20 years younger for a start. Literally no comparison.

What do the many people without DC do?

They don't make decisions with any expectation that their non-existent children will be able to give them any assistance, which is at the very least a risk here.

I guess it depends how you said what you said - being sad is perfectly reasonable - but crying constantly is very OTT. 70 is not really that old (I certainly wont be retiring before then) so its nice she is in a position to fulfil a dream.

It’s definitely my happy place too, @adriftinadenofvipers! I love a good storm, and there have been a few already with spectacular waves/spray and the sea flowing past my door. I’m very glad of the flood board!

It’s a winter let, so I’ll probably have to move out in April, but I’m so glad I got the opportunity to have a winter here.

We don't know if the OP has put any expectation of being cared for when she moves. I live 200 miles from my parents and they lived a similar distance from there's so they know the practicalities.

@spicedginger They go into nursing homes.

What do the many people without DC do?

They have to hire carers, rely on friends/neighbours/other family/local community or end up in rest homes and often get very lonely and isolated. Once you have built up community networks, people often help out others but these are based on having already established relationships. You cant just move somewhere where you dont know a soul and just expect people to help you out- it takes time to get to know people and OP's mum doesnt know anyone in that area, so she is literally placing herself in an isolated position.

My 24 year old is moving away from me - again!

They are never going to live in the same country and probably won't ever be home long-term again.

I'm sad about it but supportive of their pursuit of their dreams.

Eldest is more of a homebird and chose to come back. Third will probably move away too.

Just as we did when it was our turn.

It did mean that we had no access to childcare support but that was the choice we made.

It's just the way life is. All you want is for them to be happy.

That said, I totally understand the OP's upset, particularly as she doesn't seem to have seen this coming. When you're pregnant, or have a newborn, and a good relationship with your mummy, you just want her. I did anyway.

Go and enjoy your life, we only have one. x

@Hayliebells yes good points. Often what’s imagined doesn’t match the reality, especially these days when people want to go on holiday abroad and stuff. My parents used to drop us at my grandparents’ at the beginning of the school holiday and pick us up at the end.