To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

I would just love that!

Maybe when I retire!!

My kids laugh at me because I can't swim and have a fear of water 😉I adore looking at it though, breathing it in. It's the most relaxing feeling ever.

This is why I said there's a risk rather than it being a definite.

The reality is that it happens often enough to need factoring into the conversation. Particularly when we're talking about a single 70 year old, ie no partner to take on any of the caring load either, who already has mobility problems.

You're being selfish, she has already been a mum and taken care of her own children, if she wants to spend her days somewhere where she will be happier that is totally her choice. You chose to have another kid, you should also be responsible for providing your own child care, it's not her job to do it. I know you said you will also miss her and it's not just about childcare but your post seemed to be more focused on the loss of free child care which just comes across as selfish. It also seems like she makes all of the effort, what is to stop you from going to see her now and then at her new place? This is the UK, it's tiny and easy to get around, nobody is that far from their family if they don't want to be.

It's not easy to move at 70 and to form new connections. What will her support network look like?

Obviously it's her choice but I can understand your feeling upset and having misgivings about whether it will really make your mother happy.

It also seems like she makes all of the effort, what is to stop you from going to see her now and then at her new place? This is the UK, it's tiny and easy to get around, nobody is that far from their family if they don't want to be

A 400 mile round trip is not "tiny and easy" FGS. Not when you have a baby and a toddler in tow. If she moves away thats fine, but its a bit cheeky to expect everyone to come to you when it was your choice to go that far away. Blimey.

Interesting that you mention childcare before how much you're going to miss her...🤔

You're being unreasonable to call her selfish yes. But understandable you're going to miss her. She won't be around forever so needs to do what will make her happy

I also agree with PP's who say there is something in her current life that isn't working for her. Maybe ask her what that is?

OP I totally understand. My DP, did similar at the age of 70+, DM has now started with dementia. They are now hours away and tbh I’m totally devastated. I feel like I’ve lost her twofold, even though she’s still alive. We’re loosing her and she’s too far for me to visit frequently. Things are complicated for me at home so I don’t know how I’m going to be able to help them being so far away.

If I were you, I’d tell her exactly how you feel and that you don’t agree with it. I know I wish I had.

PP are making a lot of comments about how she will struggle etc but OP mentioned that her mum will be about 100 miles from OP’s brother so she will not be without support. She probably knows lots of people in the place she is moving to. I’d say be happy, help her move and let her know you will welcome her back if she changes her mind. It’s your turn to parent.

According to the Great God Google, no town in the UK is more than 70 miles from the coast, so to move 200+ miles she either has a particular goal in mind or OP has really p*ssed her mother off! 😉

But seriously, I agree with posters that OP cannot prevent her mum moving, but it is not unreasonable to say she will miss her and to point out that there will be a time when she needs her and she won't be able to be there for her, at least not daily or even weekly.

Is there a middle ground? Could OP and her mother look at places that would work for the mum's dreams but if still within an hour or so by car?

Speaking personally, 15 years ago we moved house to be close to my now 90+ year old mother in law which means we live 265 miles away from my own now 80+ year old mother. I try to phone every day, but it is really hard not to be a real part of her daily care. 200+ miles is a LONG way.

Maybe suggest she rents there for the nice months of the year, spring time maybe before the hoards of tourists descend. Surely doing that for a few years has got to be cheaper then buying and selling? But yes, if she does insist on moving wholesale, you need to make it very clear what that will mean. She may think you can travel to her to help if necessary, but realistically, how feasible would that be, with a job and two children in school. The danger is she just thinks you're being spiteful because you're upset about the move, but you do need to try and forewarn her. Yes there's lots of fit and healthy people in their 70s and 80s living by the coast, enjoying life. Then as soon as they're no longer fit and healthy they need a support network, which could be at any time. Maybe they stay fit and healthy precisely because they have friends and family close by? When someone is socially isolated, the lack of support is a sort of catalyst for a downward spiral. Say they have a fall, then are too scared to leave the house alone, their mobility gets worse, and their mental health too. It's much harder to keep healthy when isolated, health can deteriorate quickly in those circumstances.

If you read the post it certainly seems like her mom is the one constantly coming to her, to watch her kids etc, and that she makes very little effort to go to her so I'm sure she can also go and see her now and then after she moves. Not every weekend but certainly a few times a year. 200 miles is not that far for anybody who lives outside of the UK. And just because someone has a toddler doesn't mean that the world now revolves around them and everyone needs to cater to them. If that is really how she feels then I can see how anybody would want to get further away from that.

OP you don’t know what will happen. My DM’s parents moved back to their home country.

After six months they moved back as they missed the grandchildren (me and sibs).

You don’t know how things will go, she may not settle.

The other possibility is you could move to be 30 mins away from wherever she is now. I’ve known friends follow their parents to stay close.

From your DM’s perspective she has maybe 5 or 10 good year left. Who knows. She probably just wants to dream one more time.

Is this fair or right?

I think she could have done it differently. I can’t see myself saying/doing this to my own kids.

My own DM would not have done this. Her family was everything to her.

Maybe the sporadic meet ups with you/your family was not enough for her. Maybe she wanted more?

id ask her if she would be happy for you to move to be closer to her or if this is an adventure she wants just for herself. That should clarify things.

As OP has said none of her siblings will do anything for ageing relatives, there's absolutely no 'will' about it.

One child 100 miles away isn't a support network. Are you in the UK? Do you realise how long it usually takes to travel 100 miles? That's if the OP's brother is even willing to do that.

I plan to relocate to the coast once my children have left home, hopefully with my husband! I hope my children will have the confidence to explore the world. Our current location is expEndive, so it's unlikely that they will establish their homes here. Moving to a more affordable area will also provide my husband and I with financial freedom to have our own adventures.

On a different note, we live a few hours' drive away from both sets of our parents. We initially moved here independently for work before we met and had children. Proximity to our parents was not a factor in our decision, and I don't want it to be a primary consideration for my children either.

Maybe mum feels like she's getting drawn into providing child are and doesn't want to, especially with another on the way?

Obviously it's nice to see family and grandchildren often, but it's her time to enjoy now, not to be looking after kids all the time again

If you read the post it certainly seems like her mom is the one constantly coming to her

If you read the post it says she offers, its not asked of her and they live near her. So, not remotely the same thing at all. Plus, if she likes putting her grandchild to bed, of course its going to be at her house!

Thank you for this, exactly this.

You told her the truth about how you feel. Once. That's not selfish. Selfish would be focusing on the practical impact on you, or pointing out all the negatives so she didn't go, or trying to get her to change her mind.

Telling a loved one that you're sad they are moving away, because you'll miss them, is normal and healthy in a close relationship. I'm sure if you were like 'oh, sounds nice!' and carried on like normal, that she would be a bit miffed.

I'm wondering whether she feels a bit guilty about it or has reservations and its caused her defensive reaction?

It might be worth a conversation along the lines of you're not trying to guilt her into staying but want to ensure she can have a good quality of life as long as possible so has she considered what her future care would look like when she is too far away away for family for anyone to do odd jobs or accompany her to doctors appointments etc

My parents moved away and it made me sad for many years too. I found it hard to have no family close by, especially when I was a single mother. It affected my ability to work and study not having a safety net for childcare. Now I'm a grandmother I find it even more difficult to understand why family wasn't more important to them.

However. It was what they wanted and now they have both passed away I'm glad they spent time doing what they wanted. Maybe you and your mum will just have to have a different relationship such as spending holidays together and video calling regularly.

One evening a month is not really looking after kids all the time

Two of my siblings live in Australia, my parents in Wales and me in England. We’re not dependent on each other. We’re all happy with this. It frees us to enjoy each other’s company.

I think the parent child relationship can go into reverse around this time and the parent becomes the teenager making decisions that the "parent"/child can see may have negative consequences but the "teenager"/parent won't listen.