To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

She should read the report about ageing that Chris Whitty put out last week about elderly people living on the coast, some without access to decent hospitals and other amenities and the impact on them.

Well I'm living the dream. Raised, married, had children, then grandchildren by the sea.

My mil had the same lived and died here. She had lifelong friends that left in their seventies to be near children, it never ended well.

It's not just about a view, ozone in the air, sea breezes. What's more important is your social structure, friends, family.

@DontGoGran is right to be concerned. Our neighbour we see often is 94 living independently with a dog. She's got family, friends, neighbours a dog walker, a semi carer who shops and cleans for her. She's got it all sorted

@spicedginger She's not a fit, working 60 something- she's 70 with mobility issues. And the reality is that if she is 200 miles away, helping her is going to be a far bigger burden than if she were just down the road.

I can understand you must be upset, but mothers do have their own lives too. She has raised her family, now it's time for her to do something she wants to do. Children move away from their parents all the time, usually without a second thought, but for some reason parents aren't supposed to do this.
Wish her well, and get on with your life - she's not moving to the other side of the world, you will still see her.

OP you've committed the cardinal Mumsnet sin of using your mum for childcare. Don't you know that is just not acceptable (even if they offer)?!

But in all seriousness, I can completely understand why you're upset. I also think your mum is being quite shortsighted moving so far away from support as she is heading into her older years.

Does your mum know anyone where she is moving? Coastal areas can be very isolated/deprived. Surprisingly insular.

My mental health has suffered spectacularly since moving to one, as I have limited access to services and transport, let alone shops, cultural places etc.
Lots of people dream of living where I live, but it is bleak in winter, and there is a dearth of opportunity, jobs wise (not important for your mum, I know).

If it's a thriving coastal town, it might be more social however.
I am sorry she is going so abruptly. Has she mentioned this place before in passing at all?
Or has it just come out of nowhere?

Surely it's not just about visiting, it's about planning the next 20 years (if that) when most people's health declines and they need support even in small ways. In 15 years she'll be 85. A lot of costal towns aren't that well served by health-care especially if you don't drive (I hope she does).

Yes! As somoene who lives in a remote coastal area, with limited access to services, I would be worried about the OP's mum having access too!

I actually think your mum might really regret the move. I think your family provide her with stability and routine. Even geographically knowing an area makes a huge difference. Why don’t you suggest she rents somewhere there over winter and see how she feels? Some airbnbs might do a cheaper longer term let for a month or so. She might also find it difficult to sell her house as property market is pretty dead just now.
i totally get her want to be by the sea-I feel it myself but the time to have done it was fifteen years ago for her. I would research local hospital and reviews-many seaside areas are hugely deprived now and local
amenties can be very limited.

My mum always talked about being a hands-on granny so it was a bit of a shock when I was pregnant with my first they moved to Spain!

They were there for 17 years and recently moved back. The DC were very lucky to get lots of nice summer holidays due to this. But I know my mum is wanting to become close to her grandchildren but I feel it's too late. We'll see what happens.

@DontGoGran

Is she aware you will not be able to see her often.

It will be even harder when your children start school.

Does she own her house outright as I wonder if you could suggest she rents out her house and rents a place near the sea so she gets a feel for it before taking the plunge.

Your relationship will change, my parents moved 200 miles away and we went from seeing them every week to every 2-3 months or longer.

We ended up moving about an hour away and it was a lot easier to see them, they have sadly both passed away now.

Has she thought through if she gets ill or has a fall, these are things she really has to think through - even though I think in the end it is her choice where she wants to live and you have to accept it.

It is a big change so I can see why you are upset. However don't worry about the grandparent relationship. I lived in a different country to mine until I was a teenager and have wonderful memories and had a great relationship with mine. We used to have lovely holidays and visits and I never felt I missed out on time with them.

Yes. This thread has revealed an interesting divide between the realists who think forwards into the (fairly near) future, and the idealists who believe people should act on their desires as if hope will always triumph over experience.

PIL moved to the coast in their mid late sixties and live there still, in a different house, in their mid eighties. They moved because MIL wanted to be near the sea but honestly they went to the sea a handful of times because it was still a drive and the wind was too cold for FIL. When they moved from their bungalow to their flat (so no garden to look after), we offered to do the legwork and move them back near us. The areas were comparable in price so doable. They said no. Predictably, there is now wall to wall hospital appointments and procedures with hospitals quite a distance away. They have to organise taxis or patient transport which is a heavy load for them as no one is near enough to take them. They have a lot of difficulty with IT too which worries them and again is hard to sort from a distance. They won’t hear of giving anyone POA. I do worry what is going to happen. It’s a nice place where they live but… ugh the future. What happens when one of them is on their own? I do wish they had moved back even though it would have been a massive upheaval for them. FIL is definitely less with it and doing daft things. We live half an hour from my mum and it is far enough when she’s had a fall at night, that’s for sure.

70 years old?! This has disaster written all over it (speaking as carer to my 72yo mum).

I’d let her move, but don’t put yourself in debt paying for Airbnbs to stay near her in the school holidays.

And your brother will need to step up as his house will be closer to her.

Don’t drive down at the first sign of need, let DB handle it.

She’s doing what she feels she needs to do, to do what she wants before she can’t.
Maybe she sees you and your siblings settled now and feels like this is the time.
Maybe she’s angry because she’s been putting you all first and wants less responsibility? Perhaps she was expecting a more positive response but you’ve not been happy for her and no doubt that hurts her.

Agree. I'd be really worried if my DM did this.

I notice that you add you will miss her for more than childcare but it does read as though you consider her existence to be solely for you.

Have you ever considered how she might feel?

Yes I was also going to say what are her plans for ten or fifteen years ahead? If she’s like my own parents, she will not even have contemplated how different things might be by then/in denial. What does she do if she needs care?

@MaisyAndTallulah i totally disagree. Ops comments clearly state she is worried about losing the very close relationship they all have.

I can understand your concerns OP.
I live by the sea (and love it) but I think your mum is making a mistake.
Having happy memories of a holiday location from your younger days is by no means the same thing as living there full time when you are 70 and alone with mobility problems. I wonder if she will go ahead when she is faced with the reality of what she can afford there.

@GoonieGang I don't think OP needs to pretend to have a positive response when her mum is making what sounds like a pretty unwise decision.

And your brother will need to step up as his house will be closer to her.

Fuck that. Her brother is under no obligation either!

I'm with your mum, she's literally 3 years older than state retirement age and hardly ancient. Maybe she's always wanted to live in the place she's moving to and has realised it is now or never. She possibly knows people there or will find plenty of like minded friends there. The countryside is literally full of active people in their 70s and 80s and while services aren't always wonderful they can sometimes be better than those in cities. Or she could stay near you and regret her decision and possibly resent you and her family as she gets older. Life is for living, don't spend every moment planning for the boring and stressful bits. Your mum should enjoy the life she has. She's not just a mum, she's a person.

Is there something in the fact that it's where she holidayed as a child? Those places can be very emotive, with really powerful memories and feelings. Maybe she isn't content with her life as it is and is feeling nostalgic for happier times?