To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

This is really not true everywhere in the U.K. - there are thriving coastal cities with everything you could possibly want or need - I live in one!

I get why you are sad OP but as others have said she does have to live her life. I was one of those children who moved halfway around the world and my parents missed me terribly but they never ever let on, because they wanted me to live for myself. Feel your feelings, but don’t lay them all on her. Coastal holidays will be wonderful for your children as PPs mentioned!

I'm 60, just retired and had thought about moving away. My son is in London and I'm in Scotland. My daughter has moved back from London and is keen I stay within an hour. At first I was a bit cross about it but my parents are/were 2- 2.5 hours away and when my mum became seriously ill and died last year the stress of going up and down to help really took its toll. My dad is 91 and I wish he was closer. My fil is an hour away and that's about perfect. He is 96 and pretty independent as is my dad (so was mum at 86 )

Sorry a lot of blether but whilst they don't need to be 5 minutes away, a distance you could easily get to in an emergency would be better.

So I do get where you're coming from OP

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat Childcare is always one of the first things that's brought up on posts like this, so I think it was quite sensible of OP to mention it.

My aunt did this, moved far away to her happy place. Then the pandemic happened and she was totally alone for months. Now she’s old and ill and a 3 hour drive away from her nearest relative, who is also getting old. She won’t be able to drive at all soon.

I’m with you, OP. I’m all for people fulfilling their dreams but could you suggest she keeps her house and rents at the seaside for a few months before making the decision?

My aunt will never admit she did a slightly daft thing, and now her kids (200 - 400 miles away and with their own young families) face a massive upheaval in their own lives to see her regularly.

Gosh I am 59 and live rurally and already notice the disadvantages of rural living lack of services, buses etc.
could you suggest to her to rent for a year both her house and the seaside new place and it might give her a better idea for long term.

I would live to move to seaside place too but can see how easily life can change health wise and bring extra complications.

I think it’s definite nostalgia with your mum and doubly difficult moving on her own. I hope the right choice is made for both of your sakes.

Totally understand your sadness, I have a daughter in another country and I miss her too, not yet a granny.

Sorry to be blunt but she is being incredibly stupid. I’ve been there and my parents did this at 70 then promptly got ill and frail and I had to keep going up. The guilt trips and calls for new underwear when in hospital etc. top tip get her to pack a grab bag for hospital visits. Cash wet wipes clothes etc. difficult when you have no nearby relatives.

OP I can really understand how your Mums news has pulled the rug out from under your feet. It is absolutely ok to feel like you do . Am surprised that you couldn’t see this decision coming. I do wonder how much of this is spur of the moment ,because I would have thought she would have chatted about this move before now.

I live on the coast by the sea and I love it. That said, unless you can afford an expensive house that overlooks the beach from inside in the warm, the actual practical amount of time you can spend on the beach in the UK is limited due to the weather. Right now, the seafront is bitterly cold with a biting wind- its not pleasant. Where I live is well connected to travel routes and London but loneliness is indeed a big issue here. Living by the sea is great but all I'm saying is- its certainly not the idyllic paradise some might imagine it to be.

For me, it is the real connection and energy from the sea which makes me feel whole. On a spiritual level.

Whether I’m in, on or around it, I feel calm and complete. It’s not the town or anything like that. It’s the actual sea. The wilder the better.

Also, if you think the sea is only grey or brown in the UK you need to see (sea 😉) more of it.

I can hear how sad you are from your post about thinking you were close.
At seventy I think it is a crazy thing to do, so many of my friends have, or have had, parents whose need for help ramped up hugely past 75, and that was my own experience too. In my case I moved to be nearer to my parents, but I didn’t move near enough. It was really hard driving over in emergencies with a baby and toddler in tow. They tried to move into a road near me but things changed too rapidly , my Dad died, my Mum needed to go into a care home, thankfully we found a place very close to me.
Even the friends I have who are older than me with very elderly parents still living, and adult children, are having hugely stressful times driving hundreds of miles to care for their Mum or Dad. It is really stressful and gruelling. I would still panic at the sound of the phone ringing late at night or early in the morning, for years after they died.
Maybe have more of a heart to heart with your Mum OP.

Maybe she's moving because she's sick of being used as childcare?

With being far away the children will actually spend quality time with her rather than simply doing the mundane school pick up etc.

Mine live 250 miles away. I've never had any help. Help would be nice. But you learn to live without it.

How old is she? I think you're being incredibly selfish making her feel bad about it. Moving to the coast sounds amazing. Good for her.

You made some really good points.

Would she rent there for a bit instead of selling up? I agree it seems a bit mad to make this move now, 10 years ago would have been perfect, but there's not a lot of time left when she's likely to be in good health and won't need support. What's the stamp duty on this house move, and a likely move back when she's older and in need of help, going to be? If she can rent for a bit for less than that, I'd encourage her to consider that option. Then she can have her life on the coast, but come back easily when necessary. And the time when your support will be necessary could be sooner than she thinks. My dad thought he'd be fine living independently in his late 70s, he could still do most tasks OK, but he wasn't. When he couldn't get himself to doctors and hospital appointments, because he was in the early stage of dementia, there really was no support for him. His various health conditions really deteriorated because of that. You'd think that when the GP realised he was missing appointments, that there might be some kind of patient transport, or service for vulnerable people who don't have family who can help, but there isn't. All that happened is he got letters telling him off. You don't need to be ancient and at deaths door to need family support.

This. It’s likely that she doesn’t want to be a burden in the future.

Some of these posts saying that she’s foolish and hasn’t thought things though are quite insulting. She’s in her 60s which is not old - many people work well into their 60s, and it doesn’t sound like she’s doing it on a whim.

You feel sad now OP, but you will be ok. Your children are going to keep you very busy for the next few years. Make an effort to make friends and build a life around them, along with your husband and children. Visit your mum when you can and hopefully she’ll visit you too. She’s the one that will have moved after all! Ultimately you need to make a life without your mum being a big part of it though.

Your daughter will be ok, at 2 she’ll soon forget and won’t cry for her. They’ll have a different relationship but it can ok. And you’ll have a good life too, just not one with your mum in so often.

You really will get used to it. In my family, I was the one that moved, thousands of miles. It’s different, but you build a new life. I’ve actually stayed really close to my friends and some family back home, but I put the work in as I was the one that moved. I think that’s important

I intend to move to the coast as soon as my adult children all leave home and are financially secure enough to hopefully not need me to live close enough for them to return home. They all know this and all know they would be welcome to join me if they wanted.

Any of my children may move anywhere in the world, they all know that if they do they’re to have a room for me and to expect me often!

OP mother knows her own mind and this is what she wants to do. I expect she does feel bad at leaving them but this is what she wants. All those saying she will regret it, she can always move back if she does.

You could try reading the OPs posts but she is 70 and does one day a month childcare but not regularly and which will soon be zero as the OP will be stopping work .

Honestly I would be so sad too. Because they're not going to be close anymore. Phone calls and facetime won't be the same as actual contact. But she must have a good reason to move, perhaps she didn't want to be as involved with your family like she is. I'd pretend that it's all fine and wish her well, whilst crying when she not looking! She's going to be isolated from family who can help in her elder years. She will need help at some point, so she will regret moving so far away. Perhaps you can visit during the summer holidays? It's a real shame, but she wants it, so let her go. Just remind her she'll be isolated as you won't be able to visit often.

I would be devastated if that was my mum

I think she's being very unwise. Like others, I am all for following your dreams (and not living via your kids) but this should have been done 10+ years ago when she was younger and more robust. Now she has limited mobility and is almost 70. Its not even about you being her carer (which I get a lot of people dont want for their kids) its little things like dropping round some shopping, driving her to a GP appointment, helping her with life admin/paperwork, helping out after an operation- you wont be able to do any of those things now and she'll be very isolated. I suspect once the reality hits she may well regret it. Looking at the sea is not much comfort if you are in pain and alone and have noone to help you.

I live thousands of miles away from my Mum and it hasn't affected our relationship or her relationship with her Grandchildren in any way. They adore her. The key is FaceTime and making the most of every moment you're actually together. All the things you have described when she stays over will not go away, especially as you say that is only once a month anyway.

For 200 miles, I'd be alternating visiting or having her visit you every few weeks. It's really not that big a distance in the grand scheme of things.

@spicedginger but it doesn't sound like OPs mother is rolling in money. The OP said she wouldn't be able to afford to buy a very big house where she's moving too, so it doesn't sound like she's got much of a cash buffer. To outsource the support that a relative could provide would be hugely costly, you'd basically need a PA, plus carers, as carers alone wouldn't provide the kind of admin assistance that can be required. Unless OPs mother is planning on going into a care home when relatively young (again, vv costly), but what's the point of moving to the coast if she does that?

My mum abruptly and unexpectedly announced she was moving 500 miles away about 2 months after I turned 18, and I'm now 54 have never lived close to her so I get that it sucks but you've had lovely times and maybe she's just ready for her own life and craves her own freedom now.

It's ok to be sad but you can still visit and so can she.

I mean she literally offered, and it's twice a month very, very occasionally. We could pay for DD to go to nursery but we don't because my Mum offered to do it. If she didn't want to do it, she could just say and DD would go to nursery!

I'll happily rent my house overlooking the sea to you guys! It is so remote, however, and cut off from shops, services, transport links etc. Bleak and stormy in winter, so lots of repairing to do all the time. Sea spray and wind off the north sea is absolutely bracing lol.
Great for a holiday and in summer but form Oct- Mar is it bleak and isolating.
The scenery is beautiful but you do start to feel cabin fever and in need of intellectual stimulation!