To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

@DontGoGran

My 2 year old twins regularly travel 4 hours in one go to visit family. You travel at bed time or over nap time - don't even both stopping mid journey now and certainly don't need an overnight

My parents moved when I was pregnant with my twins and then I unexpectedly became a single parent. We didn't love as closely as you do to your mum currently and we probably have more quality time together now as we go and stay for several days at a time. But the last time I was there I did actually find leaving quite upsetting and wished that they or I lived closer so that we could have the "just pop in" kind of relationship rather than going weeks and weeks without seeing each other (maybe it's because we are all getting older and obviously now I'm on my own too but it feels like time is running away so fast. At age 70 you can't guarantee you'd have another 10 years with them) x

OP, YANBU- at all. I’ve been where you are now and felt so abandoned and sad. I really don’t get posters that say YABU and that they’d cheerily wave their parent/s off. I guess it depends how close you are to them.

My parents moved abroad. I’m not going to lie, it was crap (though I appreciate they were a lot further away than 200 miles away) the thing that I found most difficult was that whenever I saw them, it had to be for really long periods of time and life felt like it had to be put on hold. I hated that there could be no spontaneous plans, no ‘fancy popping over for a cuppa’ or ‘where having a BBQ on Saturday if you fancy it’ (said on the Thursday eve) yeh, I hated it. I also had a lot of pity from people around me, who had all their family around them and couldn’t ever imagine their own parents abandoning them and their GC etc 🙄

I wouldn’t put it past her to move back in a few years tbh. Especially if her health deteriorates. She’s also not guaranteed to make friends (though hopefully she will) and if she doesn’t, I suspect with no family nearby, she’ll be lonely.

If she does end up staying, you’ll make it work, obviously and it will become a new ‘normal’ but I can totally understand why you’re upset. Big hugs. X

Do you live in the UK @Lattims83 ?

It's a bit short sighted.

Could she afford to buy somewhere there and somewhere near you so she gets the best of both worlds?

My Mum is in her mid 80s and now needs A LOT of support. She sold the family home in her mid 70s and was very robust so we never saw this coming. She lives an hour away from me.

It's very hard to support someone at a distance. Even an hour is too far when you have other commitments and work.

You are being selfish though. Of course you’ll miss her but it’s rotten of you not to at least try to be happy for her and appreciate that she wants a better quality of life. You’re making her feel guilty about what should be a nice thing for her. She just wants to be excited about her move to the coast and you’ve made it all about you and made her feel like shit.

No advice just sympathy @DontGoGran I am so sorry for you. I can't imagine ever going a 4-5 hour drive away from my adult DC, and I would be devastated if they moved that far away from me. As posters have said, has your mother really thought this through? She will have no help when she is elderly and ailing.

DD said she was moving to Paris (when she was at Uni,) as she went twice with a French friend she met - and loved it. Absolutely determined she was going when she left uni.

Thankfully she met a lad who lives 35 or so miles from us, (in her 3rd year,) at a bar in a town near her uni town. They moved in together when they left uni... and only half hour drive away from me and DH. I would have been so upset if she had gone. I would not have said anything, but I would have been gutted.

My friend who lives near me has parents (in their late 50s) who moved to the south of Spain 5 years ago, with the idea was that 'it's only a few hours on a plane!' Fuck that, it's another country - and it's nearly 1300 miles away where they live.

Lockdown/covid was brutal because she didn't see them for about 7-8 MONTHS. She had a baby too (early 2021,) and had zero help from her parents, as they were 1300 miles away, and her mother has an immune deficiency syndrome, and had to self isolate for months and months, and couldn't travel. Her dad came a couple of times, but she has been mostly alone. The dad - who she had known for a month before she got pregnant, legged it when she was 5 months pregnant. Re; her parents, they have only been to visit her ONCE this year - for a week - despite it being 'just a few hours on a plane!

tl;dr pure anecdata, but yeah I just think that if you really love, and care for the people in your life - family and friends - you don't actively choose to move multiple 100s of miles (or even worse 1000s of miles) away from them permanently. For a short spell yeah maybe, but not permanently. JMO. I just don't get it. I would only move far away if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.

If someone does move far away, there has to be a good reason for it. As pps have said, there would have been a coastal area much closer for your mother! Why so far away?

Dhs mum moved to Asia when ds was born. It is very sad and there's much to miss out on. Mil had her reasons but it's never the same. The bond and memories aren't there. What happens when they get frail I have no idea.

@Lattims83

Ha hollow laugh at UK being tiny, it's absolutely rammed with people and towns/cities in case you hadn't noticed. All miles are not equal, I've driven up the centre of Australia where you could easily do 700 miles in a day, UK you'd be demented and exhausted trying to regularly drive 200 miles (and back 2 days later)

Sorry. Missed how thread had moved. My contribution irrelevant so I’ve edited it away!

What an unkind thing to say.

OP’s mum endured an abusive relationship, and possibly wants to do something for herself while she still can.

I would however suggest that OP recommends renting to try it out

I don't think I'd keep saying how disappointed you are though, you've cried once, now's the time to put a brave face on.

The very best thing you can do is to support her, and let her work out the logistics and the reality herself. It seems quite daft on many levels, not least that such areas are quite isolated, especially if it's down a single-lane track towards the end of the journey. Let her work it out. It may be she loves it, she may want to move back, she may be making a mistake, it could be wonderful. All you can do, now you've shown your emotions and how you feel, is back her and help her to appraise the whole enterprise realistically.

If you make her dig her heels in, it will be much harder for her to back down, change plans or come back in the future. Ideally of course she'll love it and you'll love seeing her. Even if that's not the case, though, you can't live her life for her and this sounds like something she just wants to do.

@SweetBirdsong you're thankful that your dd met a local bloke after uni so her wings were clipped and she didn't get to live in Paris?

My family by the coast are just over 200miles from me (they moved there first nearish to where I’m from then I moved away). It’s supposed to be a 3half hour car journey but it’s only ever been close to that leaving at 4am midweek and still takes 4-5 hours. It normally takes between 6-8 hours, bad roads and tourists which no google maps or equivalent ever factor in correctly.

And I have had terrible journeys, doing both ways in the one day, where it took 12 hours each way. One time due to motorway issues and another time road issues and bad weather.

How long is it taking your mum when she’s driving there and back to view houses?

I'd be gutted and hurt to op.

YANBU to be upset, I'd feel the same.

Yes this is the problem, Mum got stuck on the motorway after her last trip down and it took her over 8 hours to get back home.

We go on holiday every now and again in the general area and with stopping for DD/ toilet/ food breaks, even having set off at 6am (thank you DD for waking up at 5am...!) we didn't actually arrive until almost 4pm.

Just playing Devil's advocate here but is as you don't mention your dad or a DH could it be possible that your DM has realised that there is more to life than looking after everybody else and has now decided that this is her time? Maybe after years of being wife/mother/grandmother, she just wants to be a person in her own right and the only way she feels she can do this is by moving such a distance away.

I'm wondering this too.

I'm of that generation and luckily do not have any granny duties (or thrills) yet.

I am happy for that (but will of course step up if it happens) because I am tired at my age of fixing everything for everyone, which is the role women get "pushed into".
Am a single mum (he's an adult and living his own life, still visits) and took care of ageing parents while working. It's exhausting. I'm retired now and loving it.
If I want to move to Timbuctu I'll go for it! Life is for living, not for obligation, burn out.

I do recognise your hurt OP that your mum is seemingly upping and moving sticks. It will be much more difficult logistically with visits etc. (My parents lived abroad!).

The trouble with her big dream is that you’ll be picking up the pieces when she’s older and more vulnerable and it’ll be a massive difficulty bc she’s miles away. My dm also moved to her dream place and now she’s very elderly and infirm it’s incredibly difficult to care for her. It’s a nightmare. She has frequent falls, I’m constantly beyond worried but she can’t face the upheaval of moving back. She’s miserable. I am so worried about her and it’s destroying us both tbh.

I grew up on the Isle of Wight and still have siblings, various nieces and nephews, cousins and 2 lifelong close friends and various folk that I’m friendly with. I miss the sea a lot.

We are looking to retire early and will be just under 60. It would be 4 or a bit more hours and then a boat ride away from our children, I know I would miss my children more.

I would have been hurt op plus she needs to be realistic about travel. I used to be able to drive down to the Island in one run by myself, now I need to stop off for a bit. If she becomes unwell and you still have very small children it’s going to be so hard, had friends who had to do this, you are in the sandwich generation years.

@Hayliebells No I’m not in the UK, but I am struggling with similar issues. My elderly and frail DF lives a 7 hour drive from me and a 6 hour drive from my brother (in the other direction). There are no public transport links and no direct flights to either of us. DF can no longer drive long distances but refuses to move. Having had numerous emergency drives to him, in an ideal world I would wish that he was less than a 3 hour drive away, so that if there is an emergency I can be at the hospital within a few hours. I know some families who are closer may still consider this way too far though.

On the other hand, not everyone needs that level of care and support as they age. Certainly my great grandparents and grandparents, along with most of their siblings, lived independently until they died at home - all in their late '80s and some in their '90s.

My parents live a few hours away and are in their late '70s. As it happens they live not far from the coast anyway, and moved there 10 or so years ago. They quickly established themselves in the local area, and have a busier social life than me! But if they wanted to move into a market town or provincial city 2/3/4 hours away I would be supporting them...if you can't spend the last years of your life enjoying yourself what's the point!

What a dumb post. What will you do if your children live scattered all over the UK like the OP's mothers children? Buy a caravan and spend your time touring between them?

@DontGoGran YANBU to be upset but YABU to put that upset on your mother - confide in your dh or a friend instead. And don't let it spoil your relationship- it won't unless you let it.

As for the "What happens when she's old and frail" don't borrow trouble. If it gets to that she can think again about where and how she wants to live.

Exactly, if its a mistake its her mistake to make and she can move back.

If the OP knew her DM would indeed be spending the last few months of her life enjoying herself, it would be a different discussion. As it is, she's going by herself, with no family anywhere close or mention of any existing support network, plus even at only 70 her mobility is reducing. This is in the context of the NHS and availability of care services both being in crisis. There is lots to be worried about here.

Few years sorry, not few months.

@DontGoGran remember that your children are only tiny at the moment and they will soon be able to manage longer distances. Also, your mum probably realises that children only really need your support for a small time and then they become independent. She will be somewhere for them to visit when they are teenagers or younger which will give you a wonderful link.
But she isn't old and could have 15 more active years at least. We don't own our children or our parents- if a job opportunity came up for you or your DH in a different area you'd probably go! There are no guarantees in life! The health problem she's had now may not be a problem for her and surely her happiness is important?