To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

OP - you will get a lot of posters jumping on you about the reference to childcare; mostly from those who haven't had help and would have liked it.

Your feelings are completely normal and I'm surprised your mum is dismissing them. Of course she's entitled to move, but similarly, of course you're going to feel hurt and sad. Your mum is moving 4 hours away, that's really tough when you're close! I'd feel devastated if my parents moved 4 hours away.

I think you're going to have to sit with your feelings for a while. See how you feel over time and take time to adjust. You never know, she may change her mind yet or you may decide to move closer to her down the line.

Perhaps she wants to pursue a dream whilst she still can. The posts on here about how her lack of forward planning make them angry seem very unfair to me. You only have one life. Is she supposed to never live in her dream place because she didn't get the chance to earlier due to caring duties?

OP, you sound like you and your mother have a nice relationship. Don't let some strangers on the internet make you think otherwise. She probably doesn't want you to be upset because she feels bad and torn about it herself. But maybe she really wants to just go for some sort of dream she's had for a while and not had the chance to go for before. If it doesn't work out, she can come back. I don't think this means she isn't close to you or your DD as you thought. Maybe she is really hankering after being in a very different environment or making a change, not letting life get too taken up with routines. I'd try and be happy for her and find ways to keep the relationship going as you're obviously attached to each other. If it's a lovely place maybe it will add to all your lives. I understand why you are upset. You'll miss her. But these days there are lots of ways of keeping in touch.

I would be very sad that she wants to move away from myself and my children when it's all been so close.

I'd also be worried about how much I'd be expected to "make it work" which you've mentioned a few times. "It" being her choice to move away from her nearest family but not that close to anyone else. And not just by her but the rest of the family as well.

What will you do if your parents health deteriorates . My sibling lives abroad and a few years ago I would have said them same . But almost overnight it changed , my father was diagnosed with dementia , my stepmother had a fall . Etc amd now I spend a lot of time in the car …

It depends on how you expressed your sadness. Obviously you’re not unreasonable to feel how you do! I’m just trying to work out why your Mum said you were selfish. Perhaps it didn’t come across as ‘I love you and we will really miss you but I am happy for you pursuing a dream that will make you happy and we support you’

I can see why you’re upset OP. I believe that as parents we are there for our children until the day we die and anything that I want/dream of comes second to what my children want. I can’t ever imagine moving away from my children and making them upset with this. After all, I did bring them into this world.

My father did this. Suddenly announced he was moving far away. I'm an only child, no other family. I was really worried. He was early 70s and within about 18 months of moving he could no longer drive, got diagnosed with dementia/parkinsons and was living in an isolated rural village with only 2 buses a day. He declined very, very quickly and I am sure its because he had no social network, no mental stimulation, no activities to participate in as he knew noone in the village. We visited when we could but it wasnt often purely due to the sheer distance and work commitments which we couldnt afford to reduce at the time. It was awful, stressful and incredibly worrying. In the end, I arranged for him to move back near me into a local nursing home as I wanted to visit more regularly. Selling his property to pay the fees was a logistical nightmare with it being so far away and it was a horribly stressful time.

I think people do need to consider the future and what may happen, its not about being depressing or not embracing life, its reality and this is exactly why most of us pay into a pension or have insurance. Noone wants to think about needing insurance either but we have it because its prudent to consider the risks and what "may" happen in the future.

It's natural that you're upset. I hope your mother doesn't think you'll be driving up and down to help her if she needs care or support, or, god forbid, that she'll move back and live with you.

I think this is probably the thing, you're right. I'm hugely pregnant and uncomfortable, and hormonal, and when she told me I just burst into tears and cried, and then because I'd started crying I couldn't stop and got in a bit of a state, which I know is out of order, but I am genuinely really sad that she'll be so far away.

I know I'm a 'big girl' but because of the abuse when I was younger and my Mum being on her own, we've always been really close, and I just feel so sad that she won't be nearby so we can pop over for a cuppa, or she can come here to come to the park with us. It's just such a big shock and a big change.

Surely the childcare is a non issue? Twice a month is nothing and if she didn't feel up to it, surely she'd say rather than taking the drastic decision to move?

Has anything else happened in her life? I get the dream to move away but at her age and alone I'd find it unusual.

I'd be upset too if I were you. Practically your relationships will suffer. Have you had a heart to heart about how much you'll miss her, and how you want to be near her should she need support in the future but this is unlikely to happen with you have 2 very small dc.
Could you suggest maybe she rents somewhere there for a while and sees if she likes it?

I can absolutely understand your mum wanting an adventure at that age, but I think she has to be realistic, too. It's going to be tough for her to make new friends there, friends that will put themselves out if she needs lifts or any help.

Could you suggest she rents out her house for a few months and rents somewhere in the seaside area? Or that she spends some time (keeping her old house) travelling or spending time in other areas? It sounds as though she's bored and a bit restless, but she doesn't have to move house to resolve that.

Or perhaps she could sell her place and buy two flats?

I live within 20 miles of where I grew up. My parents moved to Wales from near to here in their 60s. I was then diagnosed with cancer. Having survived, I feel happy that I had built a very solid non familial support network. My siblings to Australia in their 20s and so have lived there longer than they did in England. Fingers crossed we all continue in good health and to enjoy each other’s company, virtually and in person.
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Poor you, OP. I am really sorry. I wonder, is your mum planning on buying or renting at the seaside, until she gets to know the area? Is there any chance she'd consider renting out her house near you? Because going to the seaside for a few years now might be just the ticket, but she might want to come back closer to you in a few years? In which case... renting....?

Feel free to ignore me, but I'm also wondering where this is that she's hankering after and moving to? Seasides aren't the same out of season as they will have been in season and when she was a girl/had a younger family of her own... Has anyone mentioned this?

Hugs to you.

Seaside towns are often dismal in the winter, OP. Has she even spent time there when the weather's horrible?

I think she's making a huge mistake to be honest. Sounds idyllic doesn't it - living by the sea. It's probably been a little day dream she's had for years and years - maybe even all her life but inevitably she's going to get there, realise it's not what she thought it was going to be and get horribly lonely very quickly.

I'd be asking whether it's not worth her trying it for a while before committing - e.g renting a place for a few months rather than buying. You could say, 'sometimes you have to live in an area for a while to get the jist of it'.

Is she looking to downsize and free up cash from her current property? Maybe that's an aspect to it, cheaper property without having to lose the status of her current house size etc.

In the end though OP 200miles isn't that far. We're 300+ miles from family and I honestly feel like we're always with them. 200 miles is around 2.5hr drive? Set off at 8pm on a Friday - you're there by 10.30pm. For us doing the long drive home, kids fall asleep within 30mins of setting off and the car journey.....it's the one place DH and I really talk. We've sorted so many problems, family issues, marital woes, put the world to rights, discussed work problems, future dreams and ambitions etc etc. And your kids will have the opportunity to also 'grow up near the sea' if you can visit regularly.

She's angry because she probably feels guilty. She shouldn't feel guilty, she should explore this new chapter in her life. I would just be worried that what she's got pictured in her head is going to feel very very different when she's there. If she doesn't make a huge financial commitment by buying immediately and if she can rent instead that would at least mean she can come back if after 6-12 months she realises it was just one them dreams that doesn't live up in reality.

But let her anger go over your head.

I understand it's not uncommon for families to geographically split but, from a family where we all live within 2 hours of eachother (4 siblings, partners, kids and parents), I'm so grateful we're close. We meet regularly, celebrate all birthdays in person. We support each other with lifts, appointments, childcare. We have the odd evening out and weekend trips. It's just nice, easy and means we get to the stage of the relationship where we have easy chat about the normal day to day stuff.

My biggest hope is that my kids are happy - and local. I want to be a key part of my grandchildrens life. I want to support my kids in all ways I can as they get older and life becomes trickier.

I totally understand that families make it work when they have to with large distances. But surely it's not ideal, if you're close.

This! Horrible and grey in winter. Overly crowded and congested in Summer.

So many posters on here who can't imagine living any kind of distance from their families. My family is scattered across the UK, Europe and Australia and have all managed to stay close. End of life care is horrendous whether you're geographically close or not and sometimes parents don't want help from their children. But planning the last quarter of your life with that in mind is dismal.

I think when we've calmed down a little bit the idea of renting might be a good suggestion. She hasn't lived in the area before and although we have recently visited out of season she hasn't been when it's particularly cold, wet, miserable.

She would be downsizing but it won't free up any capital because it is an expensive area so she's downsizing out of necessity rather than choice, if that makes sense.

It's about 260 miles in total, and according to Google maps, it takes over 4 hours as there are a lot of country roads towards the end, single track, a good few 'country miles', it's not just a straight run down a motorway. DH and I also have good chats in the car, but even with DD on her best behaviour with lots of distraction, she can't do 4 hours in the car in one day, at the moment we have to stop off overnight on the way there and back, which also adds to the expense and difficulty of going to see her when she does move.

You're right about the girls growing up near the coast and I'm sure they'd love it, as we all love sailing and being near water, but it just doesn't seem feasible that we'd see her more than 3 times a year at the moment.

Of course you're not unreasonable to feel sad about it! It doesn't sound at all to me like you've been taking advantage of her or she's trying to get away from you badgering her for childcare or whatever some posters have suggested.

But just to put a bit of a positive spin on it, living further away might end up being a nice thing in the end? I live abroad with my DH and 2 young children. My parents come to visit about 3 times a year and we go there about 4 times a year. Yes, my parents don't see the kids every week, like my MIL, but at the same time, MIL lives 15 minutes walk away so she sees the kids for a couple of hours then they come home again. When my parents are staying, they see them from the morning to the evening, they spend a week or more doing fun things with the kids and have a great time together, and we enjoy evenings chatting together after bedtime.

You say she might not be able to afford a place big enough to have you to stay, but it might be possible! And you could always have her to stay at yours more often?

Look on the bright side. You can still talk on the phone as much as ever, and you might even get to spend more quality time together than before 😊

@delt, do you live in the UK? 200 miles is not a 2.5hr drive here. My relatives live almost exactly that distance away from me and it's a good 4 hours, and that's with just a quick wee stop. Add in Friday evening traffic and you could add an hour to that.

The end of life care isn't necessarily the most difficult part. Logistically, the years before that can be much tougher, and they're open ended.

I’d do a 180 and encourage her all the way. It’s the only way.

Chris Witty just released a report on the limited resources of hospitals around the coastal and rural parts of the U.K.

DF was a doctor and advised me never to be more than 20 miles away from a good teaching hospital.

Hopefully she will be but I agree with other posters she’s a bit naive and not really thinking it through.

Renting would definitely be a good idea but she sounds quite headstrong so not sure that idea will swim

I agree with this too. My in laws are both early 80s and in ill health, we’ve begged them to come and move closer to us and also other family members will be close by. They flat out refuse so we’ve had to say we cannot offer as much help as we’d like to. Mil recently had cancer and whilst we did take her to some appointments/ operations we just couldn’t do what we’d like to have done. They’re an hour away but there’s no way we can do that each day and work full time.

This is 100% true. I’ve decided your DM is insane.

Has she thought about what happens if she gets a serious diagnosis of something. Does she make friends easily? I hope so. She’s going to need them with no family around..,

and starting afresh at 70?!