Son having sex: Everyone has an opinion that I didn’t ask for

[Mysticmania]

My son is 19 and I found a piece of condom wrapper on his bedroom floor. I assume he is sexually active. His girlfriend has started to stay over which I didn’t initially agree to but my son gave the excuse that they fell asleep etc. I’ve spoken to him about being safe and responsible. Also that he has his whole life ahead of him and wouldn’t be the right time for a baby etc. He agrees and we left it at that. Mentioned it to a couple of my best friends as I needed to offload. I know he’s of age but it’s reminded me he’s grown now. Both friends start giving the third degree “oh my god you’re going the become a grandma” “oh gosh he should not be bringing girls to your home” “no way, there’s no way I’d allow that under my roof, he can’t have babies at his age”. I don’t know why I mentioned it now. And can you believe both of them were having sex from the ages of 14.

I actually think it's fucking weird to be so hung up on your adult child's private life, beyond wanting to ensure they're safe and sensible...thinking it's so disgusting and wrong that you actively try to prevent it.

I'm sure they don't much like thinking about their parents having sex either but they deal with it. Perhaps by framing it as something they'd rather not think about than as some sort of sin that must be prevented...or at least mustn't happen in their safe, personal space.

@Mysticmania I don't think you have done anything wrong.

They're going to have sex regardless, so it might as well be somewhere safe. Just set ground rules, especially if there are younger kids in the house.

And it is perfectly normal to discuss this sort of thing irrespective of the kids age with your friends when you have a situation you aren't sure how to deal with.

It depends on the family and the size of the home and if they share with a sibling.

He’s 19 & it’s fine. I wouldn’t particularly want to be in the house when this was happening but if I couldn’t hear I’d turn a blind eye.

I give advice that's it. Under 18 they are my responsibility and that's how I wanted to parent them. If they want to leave and get their own place I will not stop them as matter of fact I will help them to pack if they are so sex deprived living in this house.

I moved out at 19 and my partner was 18. I wanted independence and I got it. I don't understand the logic today you have to have some rules or they will never leave. My brother had his girlfriend stay in his room in my mum's house and he didn't want to leave when he did because my dad pushed him out he lived with his gf for 5 years from 30 he wanted baby steps at the time. When my dad died he slowly wormed his way back into my mother's house until eventually he split with his girlfriend.

Don't tell people about your son's sex life. I doubt you'd want him telling his mates about yours.🙄

Once they're 16, it's not up to you to decide what they can and can't do any more based on what you want.

But carry on with the delusion. It'll be serving sexually active young people with overbearing parents until the end of time.

I'll never understand some people. When my son is of an age where is legally allowed to have sex, and he has a girlfriend that would like to stay over then she will be allowed to. He's 12 now, so not for a while yet but I don't feel uncomfortable with the notion that one day, he will be a sexually active young man. We already have conversations surrounding safe sex, consent, sex for fun, sex for love and nothing is awkward. When he is ready and his partner is then they can absolutely have sex in my house because it's also his house and I would much rather him become a sexually active, responsible adult in a place he feels comfortable and safe than in a cheap hotel, a car, a field or worse.

So, you decided to tell you friends about your adult sons sex life, and then got annoyed when they continued your chosen topic of conversation.

So then, you decided to tell a bunch of strangers of the internet about your adult sons sex life, and then got equally annoyed when they continued your chosen topic of conversation.

I feel you may have an issue with learning from prior mistakes.

Aw god just ignore them. How very supportive are your friends 🙄

He's 19 of course he's having sex and he's being sensible! I don't see the big deal at all!

One of my mums work colleagues said similar as my now dh was allowed stay over when I was 17/18. He stayed in the spare room.

We were married and I was 32 when we had our first child. The colleagues daughter funnily enough was the one to have a baby at 18 though!

My daughter's 19, 17 and 15. Do you want to meet my children then you can judge because believe me I will be lucky if I have grandchildren.

@SurprisedWithAHorse my 17 year old wants to move to Korea when she's 18 and meet a Korean man. I am saving up for her one way ticket. She is not interested in any British boys only Korean. My 15 year old is shy and talks about maybe having a boyfriend she doesn't know and she doesn't care. My 19 year old wants to wait for all sorts of overthinking reasons. Honestly, we are all a box of frogs in this house. Come and meet us of you want I will introduce you to each of them maybe you can persuade them to one day give me a grandchild.

He’s 19
He’s having safe sex
He lives under your roof so you’re allowed in his room
I agree it’s nice to chat to other mums about stuff
However, I’d take their comments with a pinch of salt. He’d have sex whether it was in your house or not!!
I believe from experience, parents who allow their kids a bit more freedom tend to have better more honest relationships.

He’s 19
Hes an adult
Dont go in his room
Don’t put his sex life on the internet
Don’t discuss with your friends

And she has a boyfriend. But your of-age teenager totally doesn't sleep with him because you said so. Mm hm.

Nobody cares about how mad and crazy you all are. The problem is you attempting to police legal, consensual sex that's nothing to do with you because of the weird idea that you somehow own your daughter.

I believe from experience, parents who allow their kids a bit more freedom tend to have better more honest relationships.

Definitely.

What you are telling me in a serious way that I have control over who my daughter has sex with. She lives in Wales are you SERIOUS???

I support my child with whatever decision she makes as long as she's safe. That's all I care about.

Do you like your parents were they monsters to you the emotion in your posts are serious. I hope you look after your daughter and she doesn't become a house servant to a man.

19 year old boy has sec with his girlfriend..... just imagine!

I'd find it weird if a 19 year old and his girlfriend weren't having sex to be honest. At least they are using protection.

Well as you know already, it’s not a dilemma and they’ll have sex whether or not she stays the night.
I assume he’s an only child and this level of stress is normal for you?

So why have you said that everyone's got an opinion??

Mad!

What you are telling me in a serious way that I have control over who my daughter has sex with.

No, dear. I am telling you the exact opposite. You're the one determined to believe that your 19 year old daughter who lives in Wales doesn't get it on with her boyfriend because she knows you wouldn't like it. Have you followed the conversation at all?

I'm glad to see you've completely backpedalled on your earlier post, though, so it's now actually you supporting her choices. It means there's been a shift of mindset and in the cases of parents attempting to police their adult children's intimate lives, that is genuinely a very good thing.

I said under 18 no hanky panky business over 18 they can do what they want that's what I said. Did you get on with your parents were they good to you did they feed you struggle to keep a roof over your entitled head.

@SurprisedWithAHorse he is her first boyfriend she is 10000% virgin before she met him. I did give her the talk my parents didn't and look at what happened to me. Pregnant at 16 and having to choose between homelessness or abortion. I will support my daughter with whatever decision she makes as long as she's safe. She has told me she doesn't want a baby.