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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son having sex: Everyone has an opinion that I didn’t ask for

239 replies

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:30

My son is 19 and I found a piece of condom wrapper on his bedroom floor. I assume he is sexually active. His girlfriend has started to stay over which I didn’t initially agree to but my son gave the excuse that they fell asleep etc. I’ve spoken to him about being safe and responsible. Also that he has his whole life ahead of him and wouldn’t be the right time for a baby etc. He agrees and we left it at that. Mentioned it to a couple of my best friends as I needed to offload. I know he’s of age but it’s reminded me he’s grown now. Both friends start giving the third degree “oh my god you’re going the become a grandma” “oh gosh he should not be bringing girls to your home” “no way, there’s no way I’d allow that under my roof, he can’t have babies at his age”. I don’t know why I mentioned it now. And can you believe both of them were having sex from the ages of 14.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 12/11/2023 15:41

brokenhearted2 · 12/11/2023 15:13

Oh please. If we didn't go into our 26 yes TWENTY SIX year olds sons room (and yes he lives at home) we would never find half our crockery and shit would grow in there.

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My 15 year old doesn't leave crockery in his room because there will be negative consequences if he does.

No wonder there are so many useless men if their parents still tidy up after them at 26 years old! I want to raise a man who doesn't expect his wife to do all the cleaning!

newnamethanks · 12/11/2023 15:45

I wonder if your son discusses your sex life with his friends then posts about it on a public forum? Looking forward to the next family dinner.

momtoboys · 12/11/2023 15:50

If he is old enough to be having his girlfriend overnight, he is old enough to have his own place.

Gillypie23 · 12/11/2023 15:50

Omg what's wrong with you. Your son is adult.

catattacks · 12/11/2023 15:52

Omg he's 19.

Is his girlfriend over 16? Hope so

WalnutBlue · 12/11/2023 15:54

You should be glad he is using protection, he's 19 a grown man it's none of your business.

Hollyhead · 12/11/2023 15:56

@Carpediemmakeitcount that is honestly the strangest argument I’ve ever heard against two consenting adults having sex in a house. It’s obviously a bit of a strange time when you realise your DC is sexually active, and I’m sure potentially a bit embarrassing, but isn’t it just about discussing openly about being mindful and respectful about how much noise they make/how blan rant it is and how that might make people feel? Surely most parents want their DC to grow up having a healthy sex life and now that housing is so expensive it means the start of this is likely to be in the home where they grew up?

Rewis · 12/11/2023 16:03

19yo is practising safe sex with his girlfriend? And your friends are somehow shocked?

Even at 19 If he is livign at home he shouldn't be bringing overnight guests without permission. You need to have a talk with him about that. However, I don't think at 19 you should forbid the gf staying overnight occationally.

viques · 12/11/2023 16:07

Can you not just remind him to open his windows to air out his room and prevent condensation because two healthy young people having rampant sex night after night will make a lot of moisture in the air what with all the heavy panting, sweating and breathing which is unhealthy and can lead to damp and mould issues in unventilated rooms.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2023 16:12

Everyone has their boundaries but I think having a bf / gf to stay over is absolutely fine at this age. My dd is 15. She hasn’t had a bf yet. Not sure what age a boy will be allowed to stay. Definitely not at 15!

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:13

Hollyhead · 12/11/2023 15:56

@Carpediemmakeitcount that is honestly the strangest argument I’ve ever heard against two consenting adults having sex in a house. It’s obviously a bit of a strange time when you realise your DC is sexually active, and I’m sure potentially a bit embarrassing, but isn’t it just about discussing openly about being mindful and respectful about how much noise they make/how blan rant it is and how that might make people feel? Surely most parents want their DC to grow up having a healthy sex life and now that housing is so expensive it means the start of this is likely to be in the home where they grew up?

No, if he is big enough to have sex then he is big enough to go find a room and be a proper adult without mummy feeding him. Take responsibility get a job save for your house. There needs to be a plan if the plan is to fuck about and have sex him and that's it to life and stay at home. My daughter wants to wait she has a boyfriend and she is enjoying getting to know him and going out. She is at university and I have told her if she wants to I can help her but she point blank said no. There's more to relationships than sex it feels like peer pressure to see who's child has sex first it sounds so perverse.

Beezknees · 12/11/2023 16:14

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:13

No, if he is big enough to have sex then he is big enough to go find a room and be a proper adult without mummy feeding him. Take responsibility get a job save for your house. There needs to be a plan if the plan is to fuck about and have sex him and that's it to life and stay at home. My daughter wants to wait she has a boyfriend and she is enjoying getting to know him and going out. She is at university and I have told her if she wants to I can help her but she point blank said no. There's more to relationships than sex it feels like peer pressure to see who's child has sex first it sounds so perverse.

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Presumably then you also never had sex until you left home?

GlasgowGal82 · 12/11/2023 16:16

Why the assumption that they're going to have a baby because they're sexually active? I was sexually active at that age as I am sure many of us were, and I managed not to get pregnant until I was ready for a baby at 30 years old.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/11/2023 16:17

When I was 19, in a steady and monogamous relationship, my parents wouldn't let him stay the night. Not under their roof, etc etc, like it was a crime, or like they themselves hadn't been a pair of...free love advocates in the 60s.

We had nowhere to go, so we had sex in the car at the local nature reserve. We didn't want to, but my parents valued their prudish, hypocritical delusions over my dignity and safety (luckily he was a good man but I was taking a risk), so that was all we had. When I came home from uni, I stayed in a hotel rather than with them so that we could share a bed. And in vengeance, we had sex in their bed and en suite when they were out.

Beezknees · 12/11/2023 16:17

Some people really want to alienate their kids.

I can't imagine ever being so precious that I wouldn't allow my adult DS's girlfriend to stay over. I'm sure kids find the idea of their parents having sex pretty gross too.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 12/11/2023 16:18

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:13

No, if he is big enough to have sex then he is big enough to go find a room and be a proper adult without mummy feeding him. Take responsibility get a job save for your house. There needs to be a plan if the plan is to fuck about and have sex him and that's it to life and stay at home. My daughter wants to wait she has a boyfriend and she is enjoying getting to know him and going out. She is at university and I have told her if she wants to I can help her but she point blank said no. There's more to relationships than sex it feels like peer pressure to see who's child has sex first it sounds so perverse.

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She's having sex and not telling you because of your weird, antiquitated views

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/11/2023 16:21

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:13

No, if he is big enough to have sex then he is big enough to go find a room and be a proper adult without mummy feeding him. Take responsibility get a job save for your house. There needs to be a plan if the plan is to fuck about and have sex him and that's it to life and stay at home. My daughter wants to wait she has a boyfriend and she is enjoying getting to know him and going out. She is at university and I have told her if she wants to I can help her but she point blank said no. There's more to relationships than sex it feels like peer pressure to see who's child has sex first it sounds so perverse.

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My daughter wants to wait she has a boyfriend

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yeah, that's what I'd tell you too! It's so weird how the kind of person who tries to dictate what an adult child does in their private life is the easiest to fool about it. Yes, you are absolutely the authority on her life. Keep telling yourself that!

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:24

Beezknees · 12/11/2023 16:14

Presumably then you also never had sex until you left home?

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I got pregnant at 16 I had to abort the pregnancy I had sex in odd places. Never in my parents house they would never allow it. I have told my girls have fun first don't let anyone pressure you you do it when you are ready but make sure they get an education first so they can earn there own money. Be young, free and wild in your own way without having to conform to what other girls there ages are doing. When you conform to what others do it doesn't make you happy. I've seen teenage girls with their boyfriend's both of them look miserable and it's sad.

Feraldogmum · 12/11/2023 16:24

You didn't give him permission for his GF to stay and he's just gone against your wishes . If he wants respect then he needs to show some towards OP,her house her rules.

Maze76 · 12/11/2023 16:24

@Mysticmania If you are uncomfortable with them having sex in your house, have the conversation- they will find somewhere else and then you don’t have to think about it.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:25

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 12/11/2023 16:18

She's having sex and not telling you because of your weird, antiquitated views

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Would it make you happy if she had sex does it bother you that she wants to wait?

Beezknees · 12/11/2023 16:27

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:24

I got pregnant at 16 I had to abort the pregnancy I had sex in odd places. Never in my parents house they would never allow it. I have told my girls have fun first don't let anyone pressure you you do it when you are ready but make sure they get an education first so they can earn there own money. Be young, free and wild in your own way without having to conform to what other girls there ages are doing. When you conform to what others do it doesn't make you happy. I've seen teenage girls with their boyfriend's both of them look miserable and it's sad.

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How would you feel if your girls were having sex in odd places because you won't allow it at home?

It's not necessarily about conforming. At 19, most people want to have sex. It's an enjoyable thing and it feels good. Talking to them about being safe is the most important thing, definitely nobody should feel pressured into sex but I don't know many people at age 19, male or female, who have no interest in sex.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:30

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/11/2023 16:21

My daughter wants to wait she has a boyfriend

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yeah, that's what I'd tell you too! It's so weird how the kind of person who tries to dictate what an adult child does in their private life is the easiest to fool about it. Yes, you are absolutely the authority on her life. Keep telling yourself that!

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She wants to wait her relationship is new and her first boyfriend. I am genuinely happy for her and I said to her if you are thinking about it then get yourself sorted first with protection. She said that she is not ready for that she is worried about pregnancy. She is a study bug every time she calls me she is in the library. You believe what you want honestly would it make you happy if she did have sex??

Hollyhead · 12/11/2023 16:32

@Carpediemmakeitcount what about 2 young people who were training to be drs in their hometown so living at home whilst studying until 23/24, are you saying they shouldn’t be allowed to have sex somewhere safe and comfortable until their mid-twenties?! 😂

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/11/2023 16:34

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/11/2023 16:30

She wants to wait her relationship is new and her first boyfriend. I am genuinely happy for her and I said to her if you are thinking about it then get yourself sorted first with protection. She said that she is not ready for that she is worried about pregnancy. She is a study bug every time she calls me she is in the library. You believe what you want honestly would it make you happy if she did have sex??

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She wants to wait

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

would it make you happy if she did have sex??

It would make me happy if she didn't have a weird, controlling parent like mine who also tried to dictate my adult life, with the end result that I had sex in cars in nature reserves, compromising my dignity and safety.

But I still had sex in their bed when they went out, largely in revenge. We did have to be left alone during the day for that to happen, though. What do you think I told my overbearing, hypocritical, prudish parents in order to get them to bog off?

I was amazed at how readily they believed me, but maybe there's a connection between wanting to control your adult child's sex life and overestimating how much you think they care about what you want.