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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son having sex: Everyone has an opinion that I didn’t ask for

239 replies

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:30

My son is 19 and I found a piece of condom wrapper on his bedroom floor. I assume he is sexually active. His girlfriend has started to stay over which I didn’t initially agree to but my son gave the excuse that they fell asleep etc. I’ve spoken to him about being safe and responsible. Also that he has his whole life ahead of him and wouldn’t be the right time for a baby etc. He agrees and we left it at that. Mentioned it to a couple of my best friends as I needed to offload. I know he’s of age but it’s reminded me he’s grown now. Both friends start giving the third degree “oh my god you’re going the become a grandma” “oh gosh he should not be bringing girls to your home” “no way, there’s no way I’d allow that under my roof, he can’t have babies at his age”. I don’t know why I mentioned it now. And can you believe both of them were having sex from the ages of 14.

OP posts:
CorylusAgain · 12/11/2023 11:40

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:37

Needed to offload as it’s his first GF and I never have permission for her to stay.

You would have been perfectly reasonable to discuss with your ds the protocols around having overnight guests in your home. But at 19 whether or not he is having sex with said guest would be his business alone

WingingIt101 · 12/11/2023 11:41

My goodness I thought from the title you were going to say he was 14 or something.

He is an adult.

How would you feel if he told his mates he knew his mum was having sex and they all gave an opinion he didn't ask for and he then went on a public forum to say "told my friends mum is doing it"

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/11/2023 11:42

He's 19. Stop discussing his personal life with your friends. You can't blame them for commenting... you were the one who invited them to do so.

If you're not happy with the gf staying over, then address this with your ds like the grown-up that you are.

LoopyLooooo · 12/11/2023 11:42

OMG, keep your son's private sex life out of other people's ears!

I would've been mortified if my parents told their mates when I became sexually active!

Not cool at all, and on top of that, here you are garnering comments from strangers on the internet.

You're spending far too long thinking about your adult son having sex!

Original poster
Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:43

I think people are missing my point here and going on about the sex part. I went into his room because it’s my house and he never opens his windows so that’s what I went in to do as he was out.

OP posts:
BeingGivenMoney · 12/11/2023 11:43

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:39

i expected more of a listening ear from best friends. We share lots of life dilemmas. I didn’t expect to be grilled .

Please tell us what the dilemma is?

Doggymummar · 12/11/2023 11:43

I imagine he's been having sex for 4 or more years already, that was the time to worry.

CorylusAgain · 12/11/2023 11:43

Is your dilemma related to younger children in the home?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/11/2023 11:43

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:39

i expected more of a listening ear from best friends. We share lots of life dilemmas. I didn’t expect to be grilled .

There is no dilemma here. Your adult son is having sex with his girlfriend.. hardly surprising. If you don't want her to stay over, just say so. It won't stop them from having sex if they want to, though.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 12/11/2023 11:44

What dilemma?!

MrsPinkL · 12/11/2023 11:45

His 19 he can have sex if he wants too, no wrong doing here at all. Your adult child having sex is not a parental dilemma, it is none of your business quite frankly.

Why on earth are you talking about your sons sex life to your friends? Just no.

luckylavender · 12/11/2023 11:45

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:30

My son is 19 and I found a piece of condom wrapper on his bedroom floor. I assume he is sexually active. His girlfriend has started to stay over which I didn’t initially agree to but my son gave the excuse that they fell asleep etc. I’ve spoken to him about being safe and responsible. Also that he has his whole life ahead of him and wouldn’t be the right time for a baby etc. He agrees and we left it at that. Mentioned it to a couple of my best friends as I needed to offload. I know he’s of age but it’s reminded me he’s grown now. Both friends start giving the third degree “oh my god you’re going the become a grandma” “oh gosh he should not be bringing girls to your home” “no way, there’s no way I’d allow that under my roof, he can’t have babies at his age”. I don’t know why I mentioned it now. And can you believe both of them were having sex from the ages of 14.

Why on earth would you discuss this with people? He deserves privacy.

ilovepuppies2019 · 12/11/2023 11:45

TeenLifeMum · 12/11/2023 11:36

You’re the parent of an adult who is 19. I think I’d be concerned if my dc weren’t enjoying sex in a loving relationship by 19. It’s normal. Sex is a great thing just need to stress being safe. He’s clearly using condoms so that’s great. The fact you’ve brought up his sex life with your friends is mortifying.

You'd be worried if your kids weren't having sex by 19, seriously? Do you view being single as a bad thing? Everyone is different and it's perfectly fine and completely normal for people to not want a relationship or sex in a relationship at any age. 19 is still so young and it's great that young people are focused on other goals. Sex always carries some level of risk and kudos to anyone who thinks it through and decides that they don't want the risk of emotional complications at that age.

Op your son should have discussed it with you and it's fine for you to feel uncomfortable about it happening in your home. It's fine to want other opinions about this happening in your home as plenty of parents wouldn't feel comfortable with this. Outside of your house though you don't have the right to have an opinion or to talk to your friends about this. I suspect that you've had a shock at being confronted with it in a blatant way and the sudden transition from thinking of him as a young man to an adult. That's something for you to work through and not for him to feel guilty about. I'm sure you'll become used to the idea soon and then feel comfortable with future girlfriends staying over kr thinking of you son as an adult

CynicalOne · 12/11/2023 11:45

It’s okay to need to offload about stuff and kids having sex for the first time (that you know of) is a big deal! It reminds you that your “baby” is actually grown up. It reminds you that, oh gosh, I could become a grandparent! oh gosh, my kid is about to get another kid pregnant/get pregnant! oh gosh, xyz thing! And so it goes on.

But the correct person to offload to, is the other parent. Not friends who you’ve known since Moses was a boy, and may tease your son about this when they see him.

Meanwhile, be glad that he’s sensible, he’s using barrier protection and that now he’s an adult, you have no reason to go into his room! He’s old enough to have sex, so he can keep his room clean, wash his own clothes and bedding and basically have the privacy that I’m sure you have in your bedroom.

Jewelspun · 12/11/2023 11:45

Condoms are not just for contraception they help stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

It's your home so you can dictate whether the girlfriend is allowed to stay over night etc. but you are wrong for telling your friends that your son and girlfriend are having a sexual relationship.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/11/2023 11:46

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:43

I think people are missing my point here and going on about the sex part. I went into his room because it’s my house and he never opens his windows so that’s what I went in to do as he was out.

People are going on about the sex part because you put it in your thread title and because you included the unnecessary detail about the condom wrapper that you found.

If your issue had been that the gf had stayed over without permission, that would have been a different thread, but it isn't what you chose to focus on.

Newtonianmechanics · 12/11/2023 11:47

You are all acting like he is 13-14 not a fully grown adult. Friends sound like absolute drama Queen's are they always like that?

LoopyLooooo · 12/11/2023 11:48

If your issue had been that the gf had stayed over without permission, that would have been a different thread, but it isn't what you chose to focus on.

Exactly and the OP now claiming that she didn't mention the sex part to her friends, doesn't marry up with her opening post at all.

Newtonianmechanics · 12/11/2023 11:50

As for thh girlfriend staying over? Does he pay board?

You can pull the old trope my house my rules. If he is paying then that may change like a lodger agreement.

JustKen · 12/11/2023 11:51

He doesn't need your permission to have sex.
He's being responsible with contraception.
You shouldn't have discussed this with your friends.
Your son is a grown man. If he needs advice about his relationship he'll come to you.
I don't understand why you are so wound up.

Catandsquirrel · 12/11/2023 11:51

You should have had a discussion about sleeping arrangements with your son and laid out any boundaries/ compromises. Why have you not done so and then gone off gossiping about his sex life with your mates? You're both adults. Have some respect and some backbone.

EatYourVegetables · 12/11/2023 11:54

Well you have opinions your son didn’t ask for!

WhenPushComesToShove · 12/11/2023 11:55

Our sons were allowed to have their long term girlfriends to stay but not bring home randoms

Bellyblueboy · 12/11/2023 11:56

Mysticmania · 12/11/2023 11:33

im a parent and do have some parenting dilemmas at times. Sometimes I speak to other parents as I’m sure lots of parents do.

You are my horror parent. My mum knows so much about her friends adult children and she tells me all the details. Awful.

what is the dilemma? And adult man is having consensual sex. Perfectly healthy. And none of your business.

justanotherparrot · 12/11/2023 11:56

Had this same dilemma myself - and I allowed my 19 year olds girlfriend to stay the night (so long as her own parents were in agreement too). I'm an older parent and there's no way my own parents would have allowed this. But, times have moved on and son/gf are both lovely, sensible adults - I figured that it was going to happen anyhow -so may as well be somewhere I know they're safe and happy. I would never discuss this with any of my friends as people can be too judgmental- every single situation is different. Don't let anyone make you feel irresponsible if the situation is correct for your own family.