Son having sex: Everyone has an opinion that I didn’t ask for

[Mysticmania]

My son is 19 and I found a piece of condom wrapper on his bedroom floor. I assume he is sexually active. His girlfriend has started to stay over which I didn’t initially agree to but my son gave the excuse that they fell asleep etc. I’ve spoken to him about being safe and responsible. Also that he has his whole life ahead of him and wouldn’t be the right time for a baby etc. He agrees and we left it at that. Mentioned it to a couple of my best friends as I needed to offload. I know he’s of age but it’s reminded me he’s grown now. Both friends start giving the third degree “oh my god you’re going the become a grandma” “oh gosh he should not be bringing girls to your home” “no way, there’s no way I’d allow that under my roof, he can’t have babies at his age”. I don’t know why I mentioned it now. And can you believe both of them were having sex from the ages of 14.

He is 19 and knows to use protection. I don't understand the problem

They find it weird to can you imagine walking in to your room that you have paid for and worked hard for to see your kids humping their girlfriend/boyfriend. They can move out and do that else where. I want freedom to do what the fuck I want in my house don't like it then leave.

My son started having sex at 16 (though probably before as same girlfriend). I spoke to the girl's mum and we were on the same page - they are going to do it so we were not going to make a big deal of it, and we spoke to our children about respect, permission, birth control etc. Not that we talked about it much with others but everyone knew they were dating and assumed they were sleeping together. No judgment at all.

There's parenting issues and then there is telling private information about an adult to someone they wouldn't tell themselves.

He's 19, having sex is normal it's not a dilemma.

Wow, sorry so many people have been so rude to you OP. Bit of a pile on isn’t it?

Well, I get it. Whether your kid is 15 or 25, when they start having sex that is a weird time for the parent, particularly when it’s in your house. Your turned to friends for comfort but they instead made you feel worse. The issue is that you need nicer (and less hypocritical) friends.

He's 19. I'm amazed anyone would be shocked that a 19 year old was having sex.

So strange how you’ve gone into your adult child’s room to snoop around and acknowledged a condom wrapper. Then decided to pull it up with him and your friends. Unhinged.

Sorry OP but it's not really your business and it's certainly not for you to spread about with your friends. This 'I need to offload' is just indulgent nonsense. No, you don't need to offload; you need a conversation with your son as to expectations in your home. That's it.

Your friends are giving you their views because you opened that door. Completely wrong of you and it very likely will get back to your son at some point.

Don't be the mother who discusses your children's private lives with your friends because I can tell you broadly how that ends. Your children keep stuff from you for evermore because they can't trust you.

OP do your friends have dc? How old? They seem really weird

as usual people seem to have read the thread and only extracted the bits they can use to beat up the OP.

It sounds to me like the OP discovered that the DS had had the gf to stay and then made up some lame excuse that they’d fallen asleep (yeah right), and spoke to her friends about his just bringing the gf back for the night.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be told if your child is bringing back a gf/bf for the night if they’ve never stayed before. Living under her roof the OP is entitled to that courtesy,
Them having sex is a red herring. At 19 I would expect them to be having sex, not least as they’ve spent the night together. But I would expect the courtesy of being told if a child of mine wanted to have their gf to stay.

My DS is 21, he’s had his now ex to stay numerous times. I presumed they’ve had sex and frankly that’s none of my business. But I absolutely did have a conversation with him about being careful, both re birth control and STD’s, and the reality that if she fell pregnant he would have no control over what decision she made about that, whether she had an abortion or whether he would be a father for the rest of his life. But after that it was up to him. But I absolutely expected to be told if she was staying.

And by the same token, if I’d been dating someone and we’d got to a point of his coming back home with me I would have the courtesy to tell him that someone was staying with me.

It’s called consideration.

Oh please. If we didn't go into our 26 yes TWENTY SIX year olds sons room (and yes he lives at home) we would never find half our crockery and shit would grow in there.

Your son is an adult - and as such you ought to have more respect for his privacy.
His sex life really isn’t any of your business and is absolutely not the business of your friends!
If you don’t want him to have relationship with his girlfriend under your roof for whatever reason - that’s up to you, but have an adult conversation with him giving your reasons why it’s a problem for you and maybe you could consider a bit of compromise and agreeing to some boundaries.
You sound like a helicopter parent and you’ll end up driving him away.

@Aphroditee to clarify, not daily not even weekly but when we can't find anything to eat off we will either ask him to sort it out or if he's not nine we will go and fetch it out. It's still our house even if it is his home.

Our cleaner goes in weekly as she does the entire house

Name change fail????

FFS, a mum has every right to check on rooms in the house. I presume the 19-year-old is not paying the mortgage.

You all act like he's paying board and lodging but there's no evidence of it.

Also, condoms do not provide 100% surety against pregnancy. I hope she's protected (I presume so).

Nothing more horrendous to me than coming to an age when I can take a break from (solo) mothering (mine's moved out, he's 32) than having to start all over again with a baby in the house.

You really don't need to apologise on behalf of anyone else.

Comfort? 🤣 we aren't talking about some sort of tragic event here. An adult, well beyond the age of consent, had protected sex. That is all that happened!

The only tragedy is the OP, snooping in an adults bedroom and not having anything better to talk to her friends about.

If anything I understand the friends more, they were probably winding her up as she was making such a deal about it.

Actually ignore my previous post as you are quite clearly not the OP. But you are quite clearly as strange for brining up an adult who is incapable of cleaning up after himself at almost 30 years old.

@brokenhearted2

If we didn't go into our 26 yes TWENTY SIX year olds sons room (and yes he lives at home) we would never find half our crockery and shit would grow in there.

How disrespectful of him to treat your home that way. Especially at 26 years old! Whether he lives alone, with friends or a partner when he moves out, you aren't doing him any favours by allowing him to treat your home this way and refuse to at the very least keep his room clean.

Adult man has sex. Nothing shocking there.

He is 19 and using protection. Nobody else's business if he is having sex. He is first and foremost an adult. Yes accidents happen but it is not the end of the world and can often be a blessing.

YABVU, talking about your son's sex life. If you didn't want their opinions, you shouldn't have discussed it with them. Although they do sound odd, almost as though he's the first 19yo to have ever had sex. I feel sorry for him, you sound overly involved. It's really not for you to be discussing with your friends.

Your adult son having sex isn't a life dilemma.... Butt out, keep out of his room and stop blabbing his personal business to your mates

Absolutely!

ds learned from his very early teens he had a choice. A consistent message of either bring it back down the same day or don't take crockery to your room at all. If he did start getting into the habit of leaving it I followed through with a ban.

It was the next step of what he learned from a very young age to always help set the table, then clear up after dinner and no one disappears without permission until the kitchen is clear and dishwasher loaded up, even when friends were staying for a sleepover he made sure they tidied up after themselves even if it was just putting the dominos pizza boxes in the outdoor bin and glasses in the dishwasher when done instead of abandoning on the side for the cleaning fairy.

Embed it as a habit, and reinforce when needed when they are a child you are teaching and they do it instinctively and you don't need to deal with it as an issue when they are an adult.

Good on him for using a condom!!! Your friends are pathetic saying his going to have a baby, for goodness sake!! I'd rather my child felt like they could have a supportive conversation with me, rather than sneak about.

They are in a relationship.
Oh, come on...
So, have a discussion so you "allow" permission.
Your son is practising safe sex. He has a gf.
Respect that.
He is your son, and you can not have an open discussion at the age of 19 about this. Well, that is not something I could imagine I would feel ok about.. I openly discuss anything, though!
Permission implies you still see him as a child..
Open discussions on this is something you need, not your friends narrow view.
I would encourage his relationship. At least he is at home and settled, not sleeping around!
He is an adult.
Act like an adult parent, not a child's.