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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited :(

451 replies

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:28

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

OP posts:
grayhairdontcare · 12/11/2023 07:11

These people are not your friends!
They pushed you out and knew you would see the post on FB.

TidyDancer · 12/11/2023 07:12

Oh OP, this is so hurtful, I'm sorry they have put you through this.

I think the way they have gone about this, even if they had a legitimately acceptable reason for not inviting you, is the hurtful thing. They have clearly been devious in deliberately discussing this behind your back, ignored you when you've asked if they had plans and rubbed it in your face by posting on social media where they knew you would see it. They have behaved in a nasty and classless way.

Unless you've had clashes with any of the group or you've behaved badly (either on previous nights out or in general) then I can't see any justification for this.

Amberjane41 · 12/11/2023 07:16

Just a thought outside of the box. It’s not a ‘memory’ is it that someone posted? I see these come up from time to time

FlowingFoldingFlowers · 12/11/2023 07:19

Happened to me. Queen Bee decided to oust me from group, and that was it.
Very hurtful.
She had done it to someone else a short time before, and I was wary of her.
In fact the other ousted person came up to me and said that she’d heard I’d been dumped too, and we laughed about it.
Certainly lets you know who your friends are.
It was a shame for my child, as that’s why we had met through playgroups, and nursery. But my child has thrived and is well liked, very bright and a great person.

Kiki880 · 12/11/2023 07:27

Fulshaw · 12/11/2023 06:56

All these suggestions of faux-innocent comments, it’s cringe. Everyone knows what went down.

Pick the nicest one and ask directly what happened.

I was just about to add that the OP shouldn’t bother pursuing a friendship with any of them, as even the ‘nicest’ went along with this.

Btw, I’m not suggesting you are saying the OP would be pursuing a friendship with the nicest and I understand that’s different to just asking her why. Definitely make one of the bitches squirm if you really must confront one of them. Don’t bother with all of them though, and definitely not in a group chat. The ringleader(s) will absolutely love the drama and be waiting for it today probably. Don’t be part of their little games.

Floralie222 · 12/11/2023 07:30

I'm sorry, this is a horrible feeling. Is it possible that just one of the group is the spiteful one, and has organised this without the rest of them knowing you weren't invited? Any recent birthdays in the group? I've had this happen before where I was the only one not invited to a birthday. I actually saw the group out later that evening but didn't say hello. I was gutted and thought about leaving the group chat but it would have been silly to lose all my friends because of one bitchy one, or to give her the satisfaction of me causing a drama.

Kittylala · 12/11/2023 07:37

This happend to me. All went on a hen party. The Queen Bee bitched about me and made up lies . What hurts the most is those who knew the truth didn't stand up for me. Unfortunatly mums are pack animals. You didn't do anything wrong. My mistake was receiving a nasty msg meant for another mum in the group and I called her out in private (queen bee).

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 07:40

I had my only mum friend I saw regularly do this. Now we pass each other on the school run and she blanks me completely. I'm completely alone now, but I'd rather that than a fake friend.

Goatymum · 12/11/2023 07:46

That’s horrible. I’m not sure what I’d do if these women were my only friends as I’ve never been in a position where I’ve had a big group as my only friend source.
I’ve not been invited to things occasionally but it’s not usually a close friend and I’ve just ignored it even though I was upset at the time (someone asked me if I was going to x’s 40th party and I said I hadn’t been invited!). In the end I actually got more friendly with that particular person through our sons.
Anyway, I digress. If you have a much closer friend in the group I might ask her, but then you’re opening yourself up to more piss-taking if she goes back to the group. Sometimes it’s just the ‘leader’ being the excluder and others follow, but not always. I know in work social groups it often happens that only certain people are asked etc (I’ve been on both sides of this), but you are all supposedly good friends so it’s out of order and v cowardly of them.
in the end it’s a life lesson of not putting all your friends in one basket I suppose.

LoudSnoringDog · 12/11/2023 07:46

These women are not your friends

SeethroughDress · 12/11/2023 07:48

Tilllly · 12/11/2023 02:43

I think this would be humiliating

Show quote history

It’s a better response than ‘Ditch them all immediately and flounce because they’re mean girls freezing you out’, which, as so often, shows nothing but how poor many Mners are at friendships, and how quick they are to see rejection and exclusion everywhere.

It acknowledges her hurt openly, and is pro-active about her desire to have a social life with this group. Obviously if it’s met with a deafening silence or eight excuses, the OP will need to rethink. But it’s certainly worth a go.

RoseGoldEagle · 12/11/2023 07:49

Am so sorry, this is really shit behaviour from
them. There are some horrible people around, and a chance one or more of them get a power trip from this (often due to their own insecurities but that isn’t an excuse or your problem). The only way to take that power from them is to completely disengage- people like that won’t care about your Facebook comment (may even be secretly pleased), so just hold your head up high, and exit this group, and find new friends (even one genuine friend is better than a whole group of people like
this). It’s also likely there’s one mean one (at least)- but others who feel bad about it- BUT these girls didn’t say anything about it or say it wasn’t fair to do this to you- so they aren’t much better. Once you’ve made your swift exit though, it’s fairly likely it will happen to one of the other girls at some point. All this is assuming you’re basically a nice person and haven’t slept with one of their husbands or something 😂 Sorry OP, it’s happened to me and it HURTS, but you will look back and be glad you’re well out of it. Sending hugs x

AutumnNamechange · 12/11/2023 07:54

I’m not sure there is any coming back from this - the fact that the OP asked about weekend plans and no one replied would make me think one of them must have said in their group chat that the OP is not part of not to reply. Which is really deliberately excluding and horrible to think they are discussing the OP behind her back.

OP do you have any idea which one of the group was the one who likely set up the other group and arranged the night out? If so is it worth approaching her next time you see her alone and trying to figure out what’s going on.

Is there some kind of misunderstanding that has been relayed to the wider group? Or has your kid been bullying another kid? In my NCT group one mum was slowly phased out by the wider group as her son (aged 5) was a horrible bully to one of the other children and she just thought it was funny and did nothing to help the situation, plus she was so competitive and gossipy the rest of the group were relieved to have an excuse to not have to spend time with her anymore..

Goatymum · 12/11/2023 07:55

GigiAnnna · 12/11/2023 06:17

OP are you are all real friends or is it more like a group of school mum acquaintances who meet up now and again and are friendly? I'm just wondering if you're seeing this friendship differently to the way they do and you perhaps aren't as close with them as you think. You say you have know them 8 years but if it's an acquaintance situation it's natural that certain people within the group will get on more. If it's purely a school mum thing, these type of friendships usually fall apart anyway when the kids move on from primary.

This is very true. I’ve drifted away from most of the mum friends from
primary now and we had some fun times and parties together. No badness in their part or mine, just life. It’s a shame as I had a couple of mini groups going, but it’s 8 years on now, so…

fuzzystar · 12/11/2023 07:58

SeethroughDress · 12/11/2023 07:48

It’s a better response than ‘Ditch them all immediately and flounce because they’re mean girls freezing you out’, which, as so often, shows nothing but how poor many Mners are at friendships, and how quick they are to see rejection and exclusion everywhere.

It acknowledges her hurt openly, and is pro-active about her desire to have a social life with this group. Obviously if it’s met with a deafening silence or eight excuses, the OP will need to rethink. But it’s certainly worth a go.

Show quote history

Why does she need to acknowledge her hurt openly? Why does she have to pursue a friendship with the group. There isn't a need to ask for excuses, it is crystal clear they didn't want her there. The ONLY caveat to this is if it happens to be OP's 30th or 40th birthday or similar soon and they were getting together to plan a surprise. In which case what until the birthday then decide.

AnneValentine · 12/11/2023 07:59

Just ask one of them. What do you have to lose?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/11/2023 08:01

I'd pick the closest person in the group and privately ask them why you were invited.

Horrible thing to happen though Sad

MummyJ36 · 12/11/2023 08:02

Please reach out to them OP. Either all of one of them. Where did you see the photos? If they’re public photos then they really shouldn’t be surprised if you ask them about it!

YellowDots · 12/11/2023 08:02

It acknowledges her hurt openly, and is pro-active about her desire to have a social life with this group. Obviously if it’s met with a deafening silence or eight excuses, the OP will need to rethink. But it’s certainly worth a go.

Any one of them could have told her about the night out before she asked about weekend plans and they certainly could have done so after she asked.

Worth a go at what?

Gillypie23 · 12/11/2023 08:03

Shitty behaviour from them. If you've had no falling out with them. Unless there's more to the story.

Mikimoto · 12/11/2023 08:03

As a pp mentioned, I also wondered if money hardship had been brought up in recent conversations? Or babysitting problems?

I'd also ask just one of them, but face to face. "Looked fun, I didn't realise anything was going on?"

Loubelle70 · 12/11/2023 08:04

OP. Leave a message on facebook under pics!! Tackle it. Say you all looked like had an amazing time...i would love to come next time ..i have fomo!!! 😁

Something similar..honesty and...if they dont ask next time...dump them all.

ohdamnitjanet · 12/11/2023 08:04

Fizzadora · 11/11/2023 23:51

What?
I would have added "Have I been deliberately left out or did no one bother to check that I knew about it."

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Exactly @Fizzadora !

@VeronicasCloset it’s neither childish or passive aggressive, I’d say it’s bloody restrained.

coodawoodashooda · 12/11/2023 08:07

ohdamnitjanet · 12/11/2023 08:04

Exactly @Fizzadora !

@VeronicasCloset it’s neither childish or passive aggressive, I’d say it’s bloody restrained.

Show quote history

But you were deliberately left out. I'd not mention it.

SugaredCookie · 12/11/2023 08:11

I reckon there’s some shit stirring going on behind the scenes. Something similar happened to me, when I confronted them I was told that a certain someone in the group had been telling a fuckton of lies about me & winding everybody up. They continued to ice me out though even after I’d spoke to everyone to set the story straight.