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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited :(

451 replies

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:28

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

OP posts:
Whiteday · 13/11/2023 06:51

BumblebeeFlowers · 12/11/2023 22:57

I didn't mean to sound severe or harsh. What OP's friends did was definitely horrible but within the realms of "everyday pettiness in a private scale", if that makes sense? Yes it was on Facebook, but all of us just have the couple of friends on Facebook who see the posts.

Bringing the situation to MN is on a different level because people truly underestimate the reach of this website. Engagement rates on social media are usually only 1%, so for every person who bothers to write a comment, at least 100 people have read it. On threads that go viral into trending, you can be sure that 500K-1M people have easily read this within the past 24 hours. Journalists (aka Daily Mail) could pick this up anytime, and MN have full rights to repost this thread to their Facebook, thus further increasing reach.

People also underestimate the degrees of separation that others have. If this thread reached a million women in the UK, it only takes one sister or friend or someone who knows of that "night out" on Facebook to inform the original 7. Safe to say that despite their cruelty not inviting OP out, they also don't deserve to have their actions get blown wide open and analysed by millions of strangers.

So for that reason, the friendships between OP and the group is probably irreparably damaged. For the same reason if YOU found out someone started a MN started about you, you'd probably not be pleased at all. It's a form of gossip, albeit anonymous, but still unpleasant.

Edited

They totally deserve it! Nasty women!

Bippitybobbityboing · 13/11/2023 07:50

So for that reason, the friendships between OP and the group is probably irreparably damaged

I disagree, the friendship was probably irreparably damaged before the thread was posted because either the friends are nasty cows who get their kicks out of randomly excluding one person or because op behaves (or has behaved) in a way that makes the group want to back away from her.

Only the 8 involved in the friendship really know that.

I think that if, by chance there has been some horrible misunderstanding, the friends love her to bits and are upset that it happened then seeing a Mumsnet thread about how hurt she is, is more likely to make them want to reach out and resolve things.

Only if it's all a horrible misunderstanding though.

ChannelNo19EDT · 13/11/2023 07:54

Agreeing with @pictoosh the op @BlueNavy hasn't said anything unpleasant. Normally on these threads, a bit of ''there's one woman who doesn't like me, and........... she was full of herself ''.
I've been in these situations and as a pp upthread said, it's horrible at the time but it makes you think about your own values and to ask yourself, tough question, but have I ever been passively a party to this? In my case the answer was yes blush so for me it was horribly painful but I faced how much I needed the validation of being included in a group. I do still enjoy that feeling (being scapegoat for my own family) but when this bs happened to me, I read a few books about values, and stoicism and it made me do a lot of my own research on youtube. I will never enjoy being excluded and as a peripheral to most groups person, it will continue to happen but now when it happens, I ask myself different questions, and I have different answers ready. Yeh, lot of voices in my head! But the dialogue is different.

BoobooMogooboo · 13/11/2023 17:44

Wow I’d be so happy not to have to go, you are so lucky!

HowNice23 · 13/11/2023 17:51

This happened to me on the class group chat when my kids were at primary. Photos of christmas drinks with everyone except me and wasn't a hint of it on the WhatsApp! But then I suppose I don't usually initiate or join in things so my presumption was they'd probably assume I wouldn't be interested in all fairness!

Ilovetravelling · 13/11/2023 17:51

That is very mean of them all. How would they feel it it happened to them. I know its hard, but it's time to move on & find some more friends. You can do it. Afterall you found those. Good luck x

NoDought · 13/11/2023 17:53

You need to directly ask why you have been left out. You even asked if they had any plans and they deliberately ignored you. It will make them feel really uncomfortable but they deserve it for leaving you and owe you an explanation.

Nononsensemumsy · 13/11/2023 17:53

This happened to me, no reason I could think of. Posted on FB having a “fab night catching up” I liked the post so they would know I’d seen, then distanced myself completely. It bloody stung at the time. I feel for you.

Aliceinnorthernland · 13/11/2023 17:56

You'll be doubt have to see these people on a daily basis for the next few years. I would step away and look for other friends without the drama or show down. Who knows what your friendship will be like with these people in the future.

Jumpingthruhoops · 13/11/2023 17:57

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:47

I can't step away from them all. That's my whole friendship group where i live, or so I thought. Have commented on the FB pic saying "looks a fun night". Will wait and see if anyone replies

'Looks like a fun night' will probably get ignored. I would have asked them outright where my invite was.

Behaviour like this is becoming all too familiar - and it's allowed to continue because people don't speak up.

If you're upset, tell them. Good friends will care. And, if they get defensive, you'll know that they don't.

Henrietta70 · 13/11/2023 17:59

In all honesty, I think that was a really shitty thing to do. If it was two or three of them out fair enough, but not everyone except you.

I personally couldn’t trust them again.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 13/11/2023 18:03

I hope you were ok at the school gates today when you saw them, OP. Pretty poor on their part, I hope you kept your head up. x

Mary46 · 13/11/2023 18:04

Lousy op I would be hurt too. They all as bad too going along with it not nice

laminaHK · 13/11/2023 18:06

So sorry OP. Worst feeling ever when that happens. I always try giving people benefit of the doubt when things like this happen or try and justify it - but sometimes they’re just absolute shits.

Things like this used to happen to my sister all the time. She used to get asked by her friends if she’d like to go out, or do things etc and my sister would always say no because she couldn’t afford it, didn’t feel like it, was tired, etc. Eventually they just stopped asking. Whilst I can semi understand their logic for it, it’s still always nice to be asked and to feel included. And it sounds like in your case you have been out with them a fair few times before!

Honestly I’d just straight up ask. I’d put in the group chat the next day ’I couldn’t help but feel really sad that I hadn’t been asked. Is there a reason why at all?’
If nobody replies again - please fuck this friend group off. The lack of reply when you asked what their weekend plans were was bad enough, but that would honestly be it for me if they can’t even explain the no invite.

It stings, hurts and feels like rejection and I’ve felt it myself before now. Like others have said, find some real friends that are thoughtful.

Hope you’re okay! Xxxx

MumTeacherofMany · 13/11/2023 18:06

Oh OP that is so shit!! I'm so sorry! I hope they reply with an explanation

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 13/11/2023 18:06

Thekirit · 12/11/2023 02:39

Why don’t you just come clean
Message them tomorrow. Say ………
“hope you had a great time, I was sad to see you hadn’t asked me too. I would have loved to see you all. “
Then suggest a next night out together. With place, date etc.

just be upfront
you’ regret it if you ponder and wonder why me

Are you MAD ?🥺

Mumof32017 · 13/11/2023 18:11

I would have been commenting “cheers invite”. They know what they’ve done and it’s fucking shit 😪

NeedSomeHeadspace · 13/11/2023 18:11

Childish??? Passive aggressive??? Hardly!

Luby34 · 13/11/2023 18:14

Oh I know how you feel. 5 of my 'friends' of over 15 years are ALL not coming on my hen do... Good job I have more friends. Do you go to some clubs or anything - make sure you don't just have one group of friends.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/11/2023 18:15

As they are your friends, you should be able to ask. Just ask them. Either you were accidentally missed or they are not your friends. Just ask why you weren’t invited snd have you offended anyone? Is it for a birthday or anything that one in particular would control the invitations? If so it could be just that one person who dislikes you. Is there one of them you are particularly close to that you could ask?
I think it’s best to just put it out there and ask the whole group - the fact that you don’t naturally do this makes me feel that maybe you’re not that close?

NeedToChangeName · 13/11/2023 18:22

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:43

Not much on the group chat this week, just child stuff. I asked on Thurs if anyone had wknd plans and nobody replied. We were all out last month together, and a couple months before that

So, it doesn't sound like an oversight. Ouch, that hurts. I feel for you. I think many of us have been in that position

You could let one of them know that you'd be keen to join them another time. Or ask if there's a reason you weren't invited. But you might not like the answer

I wasn't invited to a friend's birthday party. It really upset me. I chose not to discuss it with her or any of the people who attended. We are still friends, but I recalibrated the friendship in my own head, so I no longer regard her as a close friend in the way I used to

Grandmanetty · 13/11/2023 18:32

Is there an update on this. Have they answered your message?

catherinewales · 13/11/2023 18:35

This happened to me at the weekend. Family went out for one of my cousin big birthdays and I didn’t get invited. Was gutted but just wrote hope you had a great night.

watermelonsugar56 · 13/11/2023 18:49

Hope you are ok OP, it’s the worst feeling 💐 ❤️ try to focus on yourself. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to offend anybody sometimes people are just a bit sh*t..

amiold · 13/11/2023 18:52

Awful when this happens. It's happened to me and I never said anything. I just accepted they're either closer or prefer nights without me. It did make me feel crap though .. more so because I was single at the time and they'd know I was just rattling around the house on my own all weekend. I said to one of them when I'd had a drink that I thought it was crap.. when they go home they go home to their partners and I'd go home to be on my own. She said sorry but it doesn't mean anything at that point does it. Try and make other friends op x