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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not invited :(

451 replies

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:28

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/11/2023 18:06

TBH why should you put up with being treated like that. It's mean. Find some new friends. I wouldn't bother asking.

WombatChocolate · 12/11/2023 18:21

I can see why it’s so upsetting, esp as you asked if anyone was doing anything at the weekend.

Personally, I wouldn’t cope with not knowing what had happened and iD have to bring it up. I’d either ask the person I was closest to and say I was aware of the night out and didn’t understand why I hadn’t been invited and ask if she could throw any light on it ….I’d put it as a genuine question rather than a rant.

The alternative would be to ask the Q on WhatsApp or however you communicate. However, I think the word with one friend is better. Using WhatsApp/text/social media means your tone gets lost and it could provoke a group thing where they feel guilty or go into cahoots to justify themselves etc and you do t really get an honest answer.

Id have the quiet word with a friend tomorrow. I’d hope they’d be honest. And after that, it will hopefully be clearer what next steps are. Possibly someone things happened OP that you’re unaware of and someone is offended by something they think you’ve done. Well if this is the issue, you can address it. It could be simply that the others do feel closer to each other than you. If this is the case, you can tell the friend that you’re surprised and quite hurt and either back off from them, or simply try to 7d rest and and tell friend that you’d really like to be more involved. Or it’s possible there was an oversight and they thought you’d been invited. These things can happen.

In the end, you probably need to know if this was a deliberate and pointed attempt to exclude you, a case of others being closer than you are (although you hadn’t realised it) or a genuine mistake. And then on the basis of that you can decide what to do next.

Throwing a stop probably won’t achieve anything. You can back off from the friends but as you say, this is your entire friendship group, so it would be a big step and not to be taken lightly. There may well be a way through, although quite what your role in the group is and how you feel about them all might need some adjusting. However, it probably doesn’t need to be as black and white as you’re friends or not friends with them.

I really hope this isn’t a deliberate and pointed attempt to exclude you. That sounds like something 13 year old girls do. Most adult women’s groups wouldn’t do that, but some would. And I guess OP you probably have a sense of if they would do that, or there’s something less nasty going on.

Anyway, hope you are able to get a bit of clarification and are able to move forwards with it for your own peace of mind. I’d try to retain an open mind to there being different possible explanations for it, rather than assuming the worst. By doing this, you keep the doors and your own mind open to moving forward with the friendships…and if they can continue, that would probably be the best outcome.

TheAverageJoanne · 12/11/2023 18:23

Groups, groups, groups. Are there any individuals? Why all the groups? It's not the Brownies and we're not 10 anymore. These women are acting like it. You don't have to belong to a group to prove your worth.

The only groupie things I do are craft classes, a storytelling group and exercise classes. Those people are acquaintances though. Other things, meals out, trips, concerts, cinema etc I do with whoever out of my friends are interested in what I'm proposing or join in with what others suggest.

I've never once encountered this sort of absolute shizzle these women have caused. They should know better and grow up.

grumpycow1 · 12/11/2023 18:24

This happened to me, NCT group and one of them mentioned by accident to the other about them all getting drunk for her birthday drinks while we were having coffee. I text the one I’m closest to and said ‘Really sorry to ask but have I offended someone in the group? I was a bit surprised I wasn’t invited to drinks as thought we all got on’ There wasn’t really an answer sadly… just that the birthday girl text one of them to say let’s go for a drink and then they invited someone else etc etc. I did find other friends after that and stepped away. Still friendly and got invited to a few of their parties since, but I had them found my best Mum friend who I’m closer to, through actively branching out.

Minniliscious · 12/11/2023 18:41

Another OP that’s disappeared ….. seems to be the norm on MN.

Lizzylum · 12/11/2023 18:43

I’d look at what emeraldsanddiamonds posted and also consider are u a threat in anyway to anyone. I.e are u newly single? If none of the above apply I’d leave the group unless there is anyone close u can confide in for reassurance.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/11/2023 18:46

I'm hoping she's disappeared because it's turned out to be a massive misunderstanding and she feels a bit sheepish.

Rosesandstars · 12/11/2023 19:02

YANBU at all. I would be so hurt. They sound like jerks.

ImaginingDragonz · 12/11/2023 19:40

I'm so sorry this happened and I know the stomach-dropping pain all too well. What I can tell you is that this won't hurt anywhere near this much one day. You'll look back and feel happy that into longer stings. I'd message one closer group member and ask what happened. After that I would go find myself some nicer friends that make you feel good.

BumblebeeFlowers · 12/11/2023 19:41

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/11/2023 18:46

I'm hoping she's disappeared because it's turned out to be a massive misunderstanding and she feels a bit sheepish.

Or chances are high one of the 7 from the group found this thread on MN cause it's been trending the entire day. Massively cringey to complain about your friends on a public forum so she's probably never going to be able to rebuild the friendships again.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/11/2023 19:51

BumblebeeFlowers · 12/11/2023 19:41

Or chances are high one of the 7 from the group found this thread on MN cause it's been trending the entire day. Massively cringey to complain about your friends on a public forum so she's probably never going to be able to rebuild the friendships again.

Well to me they’re mum friends so unless there are really close friendships there bar the mum side then I see it as quite shallow.

And I think OP has been dropped by these women anyway so posting here hasn’t done her that much harm. She might get the odd look at the school gate but so what?

Sameasitwashey · 12/11/2023 19:58

What happened, op? Did you ask anyone?

mangochops · 12/11/2023 20:00

BumblebeeFlowers · 12/11/2023 19:41

Or chances are high one of the 7 from the group found this thread on MN cause it's been trending the entire day. Massively cringey to complain about your friends on a public forum so she's probably never going to be able to rebuild the friendships again.

No more cringey than posting on Facebook about a night out to all and sundry when you’ve deliberately excluded one “friend” knowing she’ll see it. If they feel embarrassed by this thread then that’s rather on them isn’t it?

pictoosh · 12/11/2023 20:13

@BumblebeeFlowers
She hasn't complained. She hasn't said anything untoward or unkind. She has told us she was left out of a night out and she's hurt.
You sound severe.

GetBackIntoBed · 12/11/2023 20:20

Hopefully one of them has seen the thread and now know that 99% of people here feel they have acted like bitches.

Irritatedandfedupandsad · 12/11/2023 20:21

GetBackIntoBed · 12/11/2023 20:20

Hopefully one of them has seen the thread and now know that 99% of people here feel they have acted like bitches.

Exactly….really hope so 😊

GrumpNoDog · 12/11/2023 20:36

Maybe a couple of small groups of them were planning to go out and they ll ran i to each other? Poating the photo, knowing you would see it means either 1) they are utterly horrible bullies or 2) there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.Having a meet up of 8 people constantly would be quite difficult, you'd always have to book a big table etc. I'd distance myself but keep the door open. Say nothing for now.

SandyWaves · 12/11/2023 21:04

GetBackIntoBed · 12/11/2023 20:20

Hopefully one of them has seen the thread and now know that 99% of people here feel they have acted like bitches.

Hopefully!

Mary46 · 12/11/2023 21:09

Its hurtful. I found groups full of drama at times. I just meet friends one to one now

Teenagehorrorbag · 12/11/2023 21:12

Sorry OP, that's shit. But you need to clear the air one way or another. Just say - 'I would have love to have joined you, is there a reason I wasn't invited?'

If there was a genuine misunderstanding it will come out. Otherwise someone will hopefully say something revealing - such as 'oh we didn't think it was your thing' or 'we just didn't want numbers to get out of hand' in which case you'll know that for some reason you were deliberately excluded.

That will be awful to hear, but at least you'll know they are not good friends, and can dump them. If they are your only friends I appreciate that will be hard, and I really hope it's the former scenario. But if you don't ask outright you won't find out......

Supergirl1958 · 12/11/2023 22:03

BumblebeeFlowers · 12/11/2023 19:41

Or chances are high one of the 7 from the group found this thread on MN cause it's been trending the entire day. Massively cringey to complain about your friends on a public forum so she's probably never going to be able to rebuild the friendships again.

Let’s hope she doesn’t have to, because what they did was inexcusable and the OP did nothing wrong!

whatwasIgoingtosay · 12/11/2023 22:50

So very hurtful! Flowers

BumblebeeFlowers · 12/11/2023 22:57

I didn't mean to sound severe or harsh. What OP's friends did was definitely horrible but within the realms of "everyday pettiness in a private scale", if that makes sense? Yes it was on Facebook, but all of us just have the couple of friends on Facebook who see the posts.

Bringing the situation to MN is on a different level because people truly underestimate the reach of this website. Engagement rates on social media are usually only 1%, so for every person who bothers to write a comment, at least 100 people have read it. On threads that go viral into trending, you can be sure that 500K-1M people have easily read this within the past 24 hours. Journalists (aka Daily Mail) could pick this up anytime, and MN have full rights to repost this thread to their Facebook, thus further increasing reach.

People also underestimate the degrees of separation that others have. If this thread reached a million women in the UK, it only takes one sister or friend or someone who knows of that "night out" on Facebook to inform the original 7. Safe to say that despite their cruelty not inviting OP out, they also don't deserve to have their actions get blown wide open and analysed by millions of strangers.

So for that reason, the friendships between OP and the group is probably irreparably damaged. For the same reason if YOU found out someone started a MN started about you, you'd probably not be pleased at all. It's a form of gossip, albeit anonymous, but still unpleasant.

Thelnebriati · 13/11/2023 00:31

That's a long winded way of blaming the victim. OP didn't damage the friendship. The others talked about her behind her back and decided to exclude her, and not one of them spoke to her about it.

pictoosh · 13/11/2023 06:49

Yes blame the victim and shame her for being upset and talking about it. That's the way to do things.

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