To have expected dd to stay home?

[champagnetruffleshuffle]

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

But you're the parent - it's your job to facilitate her social life where possible. It's not her job to facilitate yours.

A 13 year old doesn't need to be looked after all evening while you to the cinema, but if you think he does then it's on you to pay for appropriate care or arrange for him to be at a sleepover etc.

What an odd reaction to your 16yo. Sounds like you’re jealous of her freedom! Either you should have paid her to babysit or not gone out if your 13yo is so immature, a couple of hours at home alone is going to be a problem. Don’t make the issue about your DD. It’s about you and your skewed expectations (possibly because she’s female?) and your DS’s immaturity.

I think the problem is that when you realised nobody had plans and decided to go out you should have asked dd if she would mind committing to staying in rather than assuming her plans wouldn't change.

Probably you should have checked youngest comfortable home alone for evening and kept phone on silent just in case.

EVERYONE: its not her job to babysit

YOU: I dont expect a babysitter... I just am furious she didn't stay in and babysit.

EVERYONE: did you TELL her to stay in and babysit?

YOU: no, but I expected her to do the exact job of a babysitter without being told that. I don't want to call it 'babysitting' though because if I do I know its admitting its unreasonable.

I'm not expecting dd to be a babysitter, but I don't think it's unreasonable for her to keep him company occasionally.

But you were expecting her to babysit her brother if you went out, left her with him and he's too young to be left alone then that's babysitting.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that except that it doesn't sound like you arranged it properly with her when you organised the cinema.

You booked the cinema then when she asked about going out you told her she had to keep him company because you'd already booked a night out.

Your poor daughter. Her behaviour was in line with your indication. I bet you weren't intending to pay for baby sitting either. Astonishing you're still intending to tell her off this morning when the vast majority of posters think you're in the wrong.

For a start I wouldn’t dream of turning our phones off if we left a child/children at home because what if there was an actual emergency. And I’d also not blame the 16 year old for wanting a life of their own.

I wouldn’t be telling her off either youe the one in the wrong stop relying on your elder child to watch your younger child and find alternative arrangements.

Amazing how many folk think its OK for their child to completely ignore and disrespect their parents and leave a minor alone. Unless she's working and paying rent she needs to do what her parents say.

Absolutely.

But her parents disnt tell her to do anything. They said they didnt want DS leaving alone ALL evening. He wasn't left alone all evening AND she contacted them. THEY left 2 minors alone with no way of contacting them in an emergency.

No. If the parents think the 13 y o can't be left alone (unlikely unless there's additional needs) then it is on them to arrange proper babysitting.

You say "I don't know what DS would do in an emergency".
Well, not a lot, as you turn your phone and DATA off! (Who the hell
does that except when abroad?!!)

You said you didn’t want him left alone all evening. To my 16 year old ears that would have meant I can stay with him for a bit and then go out. Or that would have been my argument if parents were pissed off. I say YABU.

Agreeing with this. It sounds as if you just assumed. I have a 16yo and 18yo and sometimes ask them to look after their 8yo sister, but it's always agreed in advance, I ask (not tell) them, make the parameters clear and they always get something for it - usually not actual money, but I'll buy them a takeaway or something.

Don't start pushing your dd into the role of assistant mother. You seem to be expecting her to 'just know' what she should do (in your view) in the way a mother would.

At 13 DS should be ok for a couple of hours, he had eaten? So no need to cook.

My 13 yo is more confident alone than my 16yo, I would not hesitate to leave my 13yo for that period of time at that time.

Do you need to work on the 13yo’s independence? For context, my 13yo turned 13 30 days ago, so is only just 13

Of course YABU.

if you don’t believe your son should be left alone you arrange a babysitter - either your daughter or someone else.

I think as parents you should have been contactable. I get you were at the cinema. But the fact a 16yo was out fairly late with no one being aware isn’t ideal.

I don’t think DD has necessarily done anything wrong. DS wasn’t on his own all evening, just part of the evening and is of an age where he should be absolutely fine for a couple of hours on his own. Also, she may have asked him if he was ok if she went out and he may have said yes (I know this happened with me and my brother sometimes).

Sorry I think YABU. Agree that the 16 yr old should play a part in family life but I think if you want them to stay in, effectively to babysit, it should be agreed in advance and expectations made very clear. This is what I’d do with someone like my sister or a family friend etc. Then the 16 yr old would know in advance and could plan to go out on a different night and maybe have a good friend over on the “babysitting” night.

I also agree that if you’re not going to be contactable at all you need to tell both DC and I think this is unnecessary in a cinema.

All this posters who are aghast at a 16 year old going out at 9.45 …. didn’t your teens do festivals at that age? Reading/Leeds etc at 16 after GCSE results is something thousands of them do.

I agree with the poster above that it's your job to facilitate her social life. Not necessarily to the extent you do with lifts/money etc and it's right to expect her to help the family in return (including keeping an eye on her brother sometimes). But as parents most of us would want our children to be ,independent, sociable, happy and comfortable building friendships and relationships with others. Ultimately it's in our interests as parents as it makes for a much smoother transition away from home and into adulthood later on.

it's unreasonable. If DS needs a babysitter, either engage one or pay your DD to do that (on the understanding that she doesn't then push off and leave him alone)

It is unreasonable to expect a 16 year old girl to hang out with her 13 year old brother. Who wants to do that? I never did and my brother would have hated it.

She was responsible enough to tell you her plans even if you didn't pick up the message when she sent it.

Teenagers of that age really don't think in the way we do as adults (ie safety concerns). She had an invite, probably asked her brother who would have grunted he was ok from whatever game/movie he was watching and she messaged you and went.

Teens are frustrating for things like this. It is much better to preplan with them than tell them at last minute what you want from them.

I don't think it's unreasonable to leave an average 13yo for a few hours in the evening, they learn to be more aware of keeping themselves safe and occupied as a part of growing up.

YABU, you are the parent, your 16 year old is a child. If you want to go out and leave your younger child you need to make it a proper arrangement not a last minute throwaway vague request. Poor child.