Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

[Missgemini]

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

I’m married to one, and have been exposed to plenty via my social circle. Good, kind and normal men. Like I said, I don’t think you have to choose between a good man and a wealthy man, as if the two are diametrically opposed. You can indeed have both.

Someone being a good man doesn’t mean they’re going to be right for you for whatever reason. I didn’t date men with children, although I’m sure there were and are plenty of good men with children. I didn’t ’miss out’ though, because that wasn’t what I wanted. Like I said, it was important to me that anyone I seriously dated was on an equal financial footing to me, and as with men with the children - while I’m sure there are plenty of good, lower earning men, that wasn’t what I wanted. We all have, and are entitled to, our own standards when it comes to relationships. OP’s friends knows what they want and they’re not wrong for that. It’s not like they’re telling saying their standards are the only right ones to have.

More importantly, there are lots of reasons why absolutely lovely men might not be earning as much. I’d rather have someone who is a craftsman, teacher or charity worker (to pluck some out of the air) than someone who is married to their City job before they’re married to me.

Yes, it’s not a case of either 100k or a minimum wage job. There are lots and lots of men at the top of their fields, extremely well-educated, ambitious and hardworking, doing wonderful things and making 50 or 60 k, which is still a good salary. I get that ideally she would have liked someone earning the same as her, but she hasn’t found one. Would she rather never have a family at all, (and fly business class alone) or would she rather have a family with a slightly lower combined income (but still high relative to average earnings)?

Okay, but no one is saying there aren’t lovely men making less. Nor is anyone saying that you should only date someone making the same or more than you. That’s entirely up to you. Same as only wanting to date men on an equal financial footing is up to OP’s friends.

That’s up to her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I was quite content being single, and would have chosen that over settling.

Of course it’s up to her, but I wonder if she has actually weighed this up realistically and been honest with herself about the situation she is in and her priorities.

For me, being a mother, and a wife, is a much more rewarding experience than flying business class.

She may very well have weighed it up, imo it’s more likely that she has than hasn’t. That her views are different to yours doesn’t mean she hasn’t thought them through.

I have no interest in motherhood so would take flying business class over that any day. Being a wife wasn’t important for its own sake. My life is exactly how I want it, but it isn’t one you’d want or enjoy. Same as I wouldn’t want or enjoy your life. Different things work for different people, and that’s okay.

Of course that’s ok and this isn’t a judgement on any life choice. It’s just that OP said above that this friend does want marriage and children, so she is in a very different position to you, and if I were her friend I’d be worried too. There are women in my life who wanted children but didn’t find a partner in time and it’s a source of such deep sadness for them.

If you don’t want kids then there’s no hurry. Although the older you get before finding him, the more likely it is that he will already have kids with someone else. Which is another kind of compromise.

There’s a huge epidemic of unplanned childlessness in the world today.

It depends on whether you want a relationship more than you want someone that ticks the boxes.

Some people may want children, but would rather not have children than have them in less than ideal circumstances, and/or with less than the ideal person. That’s a valid choice to make, even if it causes sadness.

Perhaps your friend should watch this OP…

Conversely, there’s also a huge number of unplanned, unwanted children and unsupported children in the world.

People don’t always get what they want out of life, whether through choice or circumstance. That’s just life.

YANBU. can't believe this woman's criteria is that a man has to earn over 100k! Where I live it's quite unusual to earn that much.

They could be writing off perfectly good men who earn 70 or 80k?
I find that strange, especially as they earn their own money. Money isn't the be all and end all.

FWIW I chose someone who did have a lot of money (not that much!) but was lacking in other areas (emotional intelligence etc). I wouldn't recommend it.

But they likely don’t live where you live and they themselves earn this. Why’s that so wrong, why are other women saying these women are wrong to want an equal and should not be happy to stay single otherwise. Fuck that.

It's equal in money only that's the issue, not the wanting an equal.
If people are happy to stay single, that's great, I get that, this is more about people who want to find someone but don't because of one barrier they have erected.

I was similar to this person before I married DH. this isn’t about just the salary, it’s about finding a compatible partner with compatible lifestyles.

I was a very high earner and wanted a partner who earned similar. I dated many men who earned less than me, but it never quite worked out. Reasons were that my idea of a dinner or drinks out was different to lower earners. I ate and drank regularly in certain places and admittedly spent a lot of money on it. There was little spontaneity by these men to do similar and it affected my social life and enjoyment. They also didn’t quite fit in my social circle of other high earning people and felt they couldn’t quite relate to them as well. The holidays they normally went on were not the type I’d like to go on and they wouldn’t pay to go where I wanted unless I paid for them and often they felt emasculated. There are so many other instances that made it less than ideal and incompatibility of lifestyles ruined the relationship.
Women generally are less affected when spending more of their partners money. If they were lower earning than their husbands, they more readily accept a high cost holiday or lifestyle without it affecting their ego.

I think it is expected of women in their position to have men of equal calibre and if they date down certain ‘friends would probably sneer at them.
The thing about the men that they want is that an awfull lot of women also want those men so there is stiff competition and men like that know they are in high demand so know they can pick and choose and more often than not beauty is their priority so your friends need to be beautiful as well as successful in order to get them, if they are not beautiful they probably won’t get them and will have to consider dating down if they want a relationship.
Are your friends beautiful aswell?

But that isn’t a small issue. Financial disparity can cause huge problems in a relationship. If you want to live a certain lifestyle you can afford but your partner can’t, then what? Pay for them? Not live how you want to? Or live a completely different lifestyle to your partner? All three are a recipe for resentment.

Wanting someone financial equal to you isn’t an unreasonable ask. It’s clearly not something she’s prepared to compromise on, and that’s totally fair enough.

The ‘lines’ they decide are up to them.
If a man doesn’t add to my life and happiness, I don’t want him. I’ve been single for about 25 years. I’m entirely happy with that.

I suppose in the age of equality, you would pay for them.
That's what men tend to do in many cases, while women go part time, bring up a family.
It's totally reasonable not to want to do that though. I am just making the point that you would have to be prepared to risk staying single (if you see that as a bad thing). If staying single is a good thing then there's no issue.

Only dating someone who earns over 100k is extremely shallow.
Honestly I don't think there is such a thing as a 'dream man' and if someone does think they have found one I would feel sorry for the man as it's an impossible expectation to live up to. We are all human with human failings.

If I were dating I wouldn't rule out starving artists and writers or academics scraping by. I feel like my fellow creatives ought to get a bit of a free pass on low earnings. The main thing for me is that I find passion and drive attractive. Someone who is busy doing things.

I settled. And then ended up single and childless at 38 because I couldn’t put up with the characteristics I’d settled for 🤷🏻‍♀️

Considering the difficulties that can easily arise when there is financial discrepancy, I’m not seeing how wanting a financial equal is shallow or at all unreasonable.

That said, we’re entitled to be as ‘shallow’ as we like when it comes to dating. It’s hardly an equal opportunity endeavour and no one is owed a chance of a relationship with anyone else.

Disparity*