Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

[Missgemini]

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

Well, he seemed nice initially. Had a great job, house etc. Then just slowly became horrible over time.

Having a high-earning job shouldn’t automatically make you a bad person. I guess they want nice people with the money too. It’s not a terrible thing in itself. My issue is that it really restricts the pool you can choose from.

All of my close female friends earn more
than their husbands. There is so much more to someone than their earnings. I think they will likely look back on this and regret their choice.

LarkspurLane

Would you leave him if he lost his job

We are both self-employed separately, & have a smaller business we run together. No, I wouldnt leave him if he could no longer work, we've put the time and effort in both financially and personally. We'd manage.

It’s also about having a partner who can afford to eat in similar places you like/go on holiday to the resorts you can afford etc. I assume they want someone who understands their lifestyles and has a similar one. There’s nothing wrong with that.
If they’re used to that kind of life, what happens when they take maternity in the future or want to go part time ? They can’t as they’re the main earner. It’s very restricting if they’re not an equally high earner.

Also let’s not pretend that married men with children take on more mental load than women. Not only may they have to go back to work full time unwillingly, they probably will still be doing more home tasks/mental load. It’s a rubbish situation to be in, breeds resentment.

Oh yeah because what are the chances anyone is murdered? Probably very minimal.

I agree completely why " nowadays" was ever thus.

These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.

If their criteria for a 'dream man' is as arbitrary as this then they are massively limiting themselves. So yes, I would say they should re-evaluate!

Not to 'settle', but try to understand that this criteria is going to limit them to a very small pool of people and within that they are unlikely to find their 'dream man'.

After marriage with a man with less assets than myself when we got married, who frittered every cent and took advantage of readily available expensive credit/loans I would be very carefully considering a man’s financial assets before throwing my lot in with him. It isn’t always about wealth but being on the same page financially and not being dragged down.

Tricky. I personally think it's nice to meet your equal in all areas and that with shared beliefs makes us compatible . I wouldn't want to be considerably less attractive than my husband, nor would I want to be career driven while with someone who doesn't care about career.

Socially people also tend to mix with those who have simular incomes, my husband and I are very career driven as are our friends. Birds of a feather do tend to flock together.

So I do understand why they have standards they want guys to meet but it's not working for them so perhaps they need to widen acceptable criteria.

I'm not sure this is helpful or not and it's a massive generalisation but men tend not to choose on the same criteria as women. In my experience quite a few men in well paid professions tend to pair with women who are not. Im equal to my husband, however thinking of his colleagues we are rare. Some their wives do not work, others met at work and their wives are medical too but in roles such as nursing or physio. One is married to a gp.

I presume your friends are not medics and corporate, but could simular happen with the men in those roles?

I’m not in the same line of work as them. What I do know if that a lot of their colleagues are already coupled up. They’ve been unlucky with the ‘successful’ people they’ve dated so far. It’s an interesting point about men choosing women that are less successful. Perhaps this is also part of the issue.

Sounds like they want a wallet, not a man.

Success is how much a person earns, that's a really warped idea. Our world is in a mess precisely because of warped ideas about value of things.

The climate and ecological crisis is an example of that. Our life support system, the natural world, is in crisis because it's not valued. Our air, land and water is badly polluted because the waste and clean up costs isn't priced into the value of things we make.

I'm far from being poor, threads like this just alienate me, to see how a lot of people measure worth. Not at all how I'd want to be valued 🤮

That would be true is these women were low earners. But earning £100k+ themselves they can afford to support themselves. They don’t need a partner for money. What they don’t want it to have a financially support someone else.

There's a big difference between 'settling', which is an inherently negative thing IMO where one partner decides to lower their standards in order to marry or have DC because time is running out, and to date with a truly open mind.

Off the back of this post I was thinking what my criteria would be now if I was looking for a new DP - ideally speaking - and I ended up with such a long and unrealistic list that I'd ever meet anyone. And, more to the point, DH doesn't meet many of my 'ideal' criteria! We can all build an ideal man or woman in our heads, but rather like looking for your ideal house in the ideal location and that you can afford, it doesn't exist. Compromise is always needed.

I imagine its only one of their criteria. A good earner is a good practical thing to look for in a partner. It also probably indicates someone with drive, which is also attractive. As long as its not the only criteria, I think its sensible.

They sound a bit shallow but hopefully they’re just expressing themselves badly. I do understand them wanting men they have stuff in common with ie similarly highly educated / successful / ambitious men. The weird bit is that they aren’t already meeting loads of men like that, if they’re so high flying. Like when I was a lawyer everyone I knew over age 28, male or female, was earning that. So why aren’t they meeting men similar to them? Are they working from home all the time?

Because wage is not their only criteria.

Your post made me wonder: do high earning men want to date high earning women? This is only my anecdotal knowledge from a small pool of people, but the men I know who have the very high powered high salary jobs are all with women with considerably lower career-based aspirations - women who are (seemingly at least!) content running the home and being a part timer / SAHM.

I don't know if this more that they got together before either were high salary workers and the women's jobs were shrunk to accommodate the men's jobs getting bigger of course.

But I just wonder if men in high powered jobs are looking for women who don't want that - expecting those women will be happy to keep their house nice and be a SAHM to any future children so the men can continue their careers with not much objection?

Not sure!

In reference to OPs actual question though, it's fine to have whatever boundaries you want when dating so long as you aren't constantly bitching about your lack of a partner. If you have criteria which removes 90% of the dating pool and you won't compromise, you don't get to complain about your lack of "luck" all the time!

The amount someone is payed has very little to do with "calibre".

It seems from what you have posted that they are more about what the man does and how much he earns than the person themselves.

There are very few high flying well paid jobs where the person doesn't have really poor personality traits.

When I was single there were things I absolutely wouldn't compromise on - smoking, cleanliness (of self and home!), emotional maturity (how someone deals with stress is hugely important in the long term). With these things, even if a man was great, funny and really liked me I couldn't settle on them because I knew it would end in tears (mine).

There were other strong preferences I had such as hobbies, being close with his family, physique, NOT a v high earner (opposite to your friends), which I did settle for a few times because the guy ticked the main boxes and I'm glad I did bevause I met some nice people, learnt about myself and broadened my horizons a bit. If i hadn't done that I'm not totally sure I would have met my husband because he has everything I wanted and was looking for but some things I always said I would prefer not to go for - sounds shallow now but I never used to fancy overly skinny men nor overweight men. Mine is thin as a whipped but he is funny, interesting, kind, hard working, a great cook, and I fell for him quickly so his lack of body fat never bothered me.

When I was single there were things I absolutely wouldn't compromise on - smoking, cleanliness (of self and home!), emotional maturity (how someone deals with stress is hugely important in the long term). With these things, even if a man was great, funny and really liked me I couldn't settle on them because I knew it would end in tears (mine).

I get this and agree. I think there is a distinction to be made between someone's core character traits (which are hugely important) and what someone has materially. If you are prioritising what someone has materially, be aware that this wont bring happiness in the long term if their character isnt up to scratch. Hence, the OP saying this friend has dated a rich guy but he turned out to be horrible. There is nothing wrong with wanting an equal relationship but focussing solely on material wealth rather than character traits is an absolute recipe for disaster and I've seen it end in tears quite a few times. Be careful what you wish for. If you choose a man who prioritises wealth then that could easily come back to bite you in the ass later on.

People can set whatever criteria they want for a partner. I don't think anyone should ever "settle" for someone they don't really love, that's a surefire recipe for unhappiness down the line. A relationship should only ever enhance your life and high standards are to be encouraged.

Personally I think linking your "dream man" to certain salary expectations is both shallow and stupid, though, and I wouldn't want to be friends with such people. Salaries aren't guaranteed to last long-term. Salaries have no bearing on whether someone is compatible with your personality or how well they treat you. So that also seems like a recipe for unhappiness down the line, to me.

I think that men have the upper hand in this because their fertility doesn't have the same expiry date as a womans and their career is less likely to be distrupted in the way a woman's is just by virtue of pregnancy, menopaise etc.
My point being that if these women can accept a man they like/love but who earns less than them, they'll probably find his career and earning power continues to grow unhindered while they juggle pregnancy/babies etc. Therefore, I think choosing a man who is kind, loving and empathetic is far more important than just judging him by his bank balance. Unless of course the women concerned are not interested in having children in which case that opens up their time frame considerably.

Its hard to discern from the details how much this friend is impressed by a man's money. Eg in the relationship she had with the man earning 100k but turned out to be a douchebag, was she impressed by a flashy display of wealth and a nice car? did she ignore nagging red flags because he lived a good lifestyle and it flattered and impressed her? If so, then I dont have much sympathy for her as this is all rather shallow and if you are basing your attraction to someone on a specific salary number and seeing his character of secondary importance then dont be shocked or surprised when it all turns out to be rotten underneath the gloss. Of course, there are lovely rich people just as there are unpleasant poor people but basing your dating choices on a really specific salary number sounds incredibly shallow to me and I also am not sure I could remain friends with someone like that.