To not think 41 is that old for pregnancy

[User7778889]

I was lucky enough to have kids in my early 30’s but obviously many aren’t. Dh said that my friend 41 is very old for pregnancy and he worries about her child’s future.

I was 41 when my second was born. I don't think he regrets being born at all.

I know sadly from experience that it’s old reproductively - the egg quality goes down hill quite badly- but it’s not old socially. Lots of people these days have only really got going at that age - with house, relationship and career ladder.

Women in their late 30s and early 40s are probably on average going to live to around 90 so our reproductive systems haven’t really caught up with everything else. Given that, lots of women in my family tree in the 19th and early 20th c were having babies until their mid 40s

@nutellacreppe I have 17yr old and 18 Yr old and it is still exhausting and I'm 38. Imagining my mum who is 60 odd dealing with this shit is unfathomable. Good luck

"If 41 was old for pregnancy, a women would not be able to conceive"

That's not true at all.

That's a difference between being old for something to happen, and being too old. 70 is old to go to university, but it's not too old - some people do it. No, I'm not saying having a baby is like going to university - this is purely to slow the difference between 'old' and 'too old'.

It's a biological fact that 40+ is old for pregnancy. That doesn't mean it doesn't or shouldn't happen - but it is a) less likely because women have fewer eggs and the quality isn't as good (less than half of all women over 40 that are trying to conceive will do so within a year, compared to 85% aged 30) and b) at a higher risk of complications.

My mum had her 4th baby at 39 and I was 18. To me she felt like a really old mum to have a newborn. I'm now 32, have a 2 year old and am pregnant and most of my mum friends are late 30s early 40s. Times have deff changed!

I had my youngest son when I was almost 41. His brother was born when I was almost 39.

In terms of positives, I felt I had more patience and life experience to cope with the children, and I had more financial resources than I had in my twenties or early thirties.

With respect to negatives, my parents and my husband's parents were a little too old to be hands-on grandparents, and by the time the children were in their mid teens, caring responsibilities for the grandparents had begun. Furthermore, my sons were a little too young to play with their significantly older cousins, who were born to my sister when she was in her twenties.

Yet, as others have said, women have been giving birth into their forties for millennia. It is not unusual or unnatural.

@arethereanyleftatall how is it ridiculous to have a 16 year old at 60, what nonsense you spout. What about being 32 with a 16? No life experience, children having children etc

I didn't say ridiculous, I said horrendous. Because for me, knowing how much tireder I am now than I was when I was 45, and it's only going in one direction; I would personally (and that's what the threads about - gathering everyone's own opinion) find it absolutely horrendous to have to deal with a 16 year olds moods, noise and late night pick ups when I'm 60. If you wouldn't, you go girl, enjoy.

So much judgement here from women who were fortunate enough to have babies earlier on. I want to roll my eyes so far back that they’ll probably get stuck. 🙄🙄
I was also fortunate to have finished my family by my early 30s but I don’t go around saying “oh 40 is too old for me”. It’s easy to say that when you’ve received the privilege of the children or child you wanted.
Most people have children later in life due to circumstances.

MN is weird about people who are in their 50s and 60s. It’s like they see those people as different species. My friends and I have parents in this age group and they all work and take care of multiple young grandchild. It’s definitely harder work than it was for them when they were the parents but they’re not ready for the graveyard yet!

I wouldn't worry for the child, but it's old biologically.

I've had my first at age 35 and it wasn't intentional I'd have happily started earlier but both fertility and finding a partner don't always come easy for some which was the case for me.

I do feel a little bit worried about my age as my child grows older and has life events like getting married and having their own children as I may not be as fit to help. This shows from my husbands parents who are in their mid 70s and their age really shows they don't help with our grandson and have excuses to not come "feeling run down", "not fit to come to the park", "tired" etc whereas my parents who are in their 60s are so much fitter and help with our house DIY, grandson and all sorts. It partly depends on luck with health I'm sure too as someone younger could be less fit than older. It doesn't feel ideal at all but I don't think you should say those in their late 30s and early 40s shouldn't be having babies as if they can raise them until adult age that's what's essential and you just don't know what the future holds.

MN is weird about people who are in their 50s and 60s. It’s like they see those people as different species. My friends and I have parents in this age group and they all work and take care of multiple young grandchild. It’s definitely harder work than it was for them when they were the parents but they’re not ready for the graveyard yet!

MN is weird about people in their 50s and 60s. I wonder if these posters are all in their twenties and early 30s and 50 and 60 seems unimaginably old to them? I, on the other hand, fell run and this seems to have an older demographic than other runners. So I am used to seeing fell runners in their 50s and 60s managing an athletic achievement that all the ' oh imagine when you are in your 50s and when you are 60! You will be too tired' lot probably could not manage at all.

Also the assumption from those who had their kids young and are knackered by their late 30s/40s/50s, that's it's due to their age, rather than because they had their kids young and are knackered by decades of child rearing. I'm 41 and trying to start my family. Physically I feel no different to how I did 20 years ago, and I'm not particularly fit. When I have children imagine I'll feel tired because children are tiring. Age is not the only factor. There are many including lifestyle, life experiences, genetics, luck etc.

I had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43.. Downsides to all ages ime.

@PP82
It is entirely your choice whether you want to listen to people who have experienced being 50/60 and/or have experienced parenting teenagers or not.

Of course. What is mildly irritating is people assuming that their own experiences are universal.

There is an assumption too that when you’re younger you are fit and well, personally when I was in my 20s and 30s I was very unwell at times and unable to care for a child as well as I do now in my 40s. People in their 60s and 70s were running rings round me and looking after me.

There has also been PLENTY of judgement on here from older mums criticising younger mums and their children, it’s been pretty evenly split actually.

Sure, but why does it matter?

Late 30s to 40s is apparently the best time. From what I've heard on here, you have more money, had freedom, travelled, partied, are settled, your child is planned and more loved than other children, your children will be smarter and better socialised, and elderly parents are full of energy and love looking after dgc.

So....

I think your DH should probably mind his own business!
I think there is a lot of projection on here and people assuming that their own scenario is the only possible way, or that there is some kind of magical ideal of having kids at an age where you have fit and well grandparents to run around and provide childcare, and anything else is just horrific.

Ive never known my grandparents apart from my maternal grandmother who died when I was quite young. Should my parents not have had me because they wouldn't have 60 something grandparents running around doing DIY and childcare? My life has been absolutely fine. My mum was 32 when I was born and my dad was 44. Now I'm late 30s my mum is fit and well at 70, caring for my dad who is terminally ill and likely to die soon. So he'll be dead before I'm 40 and my kids are still primary age. It's sad but it is life and we will be grateful for the time we had with him. My in-laws had their family very young (20ish) - FIL is in great shape at 60, MIL has been creaking around the place and going on about being too tired and old since she was 50. Meanwhile my eldest brother is running marathons at 55 and had his kids later.

My point is you make the best of what life throws at you and try and fill your life and your kids life with people who mean a lot to you, and shouldn't judge based on some kind of narrow minded view on what the "right" way to do things is.

Just try not to have a teenager at the same time as perimenopause. I had my two at 36 and 37. Now I have a 15 and 16 year old while i'm in the worst bit of my hormonal change. It's not fun.

It's impossible to plan! I had a baby when I was 40.5. I breastfed until 22 months and didn't have another period until baby was 19 months. My mother was convinced they weren't coming back! (She had her periods very young, much younger than me, and meno young too).

I am a little hazy on details but I think I had periods for a bit and then they petered out gradually, to be light and occasional, going many months between and having a mere trickle. I do know I was done and dusted by 45.

I just think how lucky I was, conceiving at 38 and 39 (twice) - although I lost the first two to miscarriage, I firmly believe my DC3 was the child I was meant to have.

I think there are really two different perspectives here. Socially I think there's no real issue. It wouldn't be a real issue for the child to have an older mother, even as she does get older.

But biologically, over 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy. It is much harder to conceive, greater chances of difficulties in pregnancies (including miscarriage), is harder on the body, and has greater chance of causing birth defects. None of these are certainties of course but it's something that should be considered when trying to get pregnant at that age.

Do you know where the 35 year old thing came from? As from what you have written you clearly don't.

I’m 41 and currently early pregnancy with an unplanned DC (we use contraception, was definitely unplanned). We already have children who were born in my late 20s/early 30s.

I’ve had raised eyebrows from the few people who know but I am not sure what the expectation is from those people.

Whilst I am both pro choice and aware of the risks of an ‘older’ pregnancy, I don’t feel that I want to terminate the pregnancy so I am getting my head around it and will (assuming hopefully that all goes to plan) be delighted when the baby is born.