To not think 41 is that old for pregnancy

[User7778889]

I was lucky enough to have kids in my early 30’s but obviously many aren’t. Dh said that my friend 41 is very old for pregnancy and he worries about her child’s future.

Historically women started having their first children in their teen and early twenties. They had their last child in their forties. It only now that women can control when they get pregnant. It actually a privilege to be able to control pregnancy. If 41 was old for pregnancy, a women would not be able to conceive.

My family and friends are all highly educated professionals with degrees too (oh I am so tempted to go all Maureen Lipman, and add, "ologies"!!!).

Out of numerous children, anecdotally, I can only think of 5 pregnancies that were not planned. One friend had a termination. Cousin and another friend had unplanned pregnancies following failed vasectomies. Sibling had a complete oops - must have been their partner's PhD that did that one 🙄

Friend had successful IVF followed 3 months later by a miracle natural conception.

Accidental pregnancies are not common in my circles. Never had one myself either, all totally planned.

You can't. Byee.

I disagree.

It's a choice whether to continue or not.

Yes it can be an at least partially alturistic choice.

Links to stats below it's 45%

"A planned pregnancy is likely to be a healthier one, as unplanned pregnancies represent a missed opportunity to optimise pre-pregnancy health. Currently, 45% of pregnancies and one third of births in England are unplanned or associated with feelings of ambivalence."
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/health-matters-reproductive-health-and-pregnancy-planning/health-matters-reproductive-health-and-pregnancy-planning#:~:text=A%20planned%20pregnancy%20is%20likely,associated%20with%20feelings%20of%20ambivalence.

None of your DH's business. And no, I know plenty of people who have had children in their 40s. It's not considered unusual in our area / demographic at all.

My point is human reproduction is full of choices and decisions, for a significant number of people it's not just about what they want. Nor I would argue should it be the decision to become pregnant or end a pregnancy are significant. Being governed soley by personal fufilmemt is a poor model for this decision making.

So do you think 41 is ‘old’ to get pregnant?

You might not like it, but it's real.

Isn't personal fulfilment at the centre of most of the decisions we take in life?

TBH I do think there may be some confirmation bias here. We didn't advertise the fact DS was an early blessing. At the time I think only our parents (DS's GPs) knew explicitly. I find when you confide that a pregnancy wasn't completely planned others open up a bit about their experiences which they wouldn't necessarily have volunteered otherwise. Just saying the number may be higher than you think.

I'm confident it's not!

Shocked though that so many highly educated people fail so spectacularly to take responsibility for contraception!

I think 41 is becoming an increasingly common age, or at least it's not uncommon in my part of London.

Not mine, neither motherhood or medicine lend themselves brilliantly to that TBH and I done both of those things for most of my adult life. I would say a maximum of 20% of my waking hours are spent doing things purley for myself ( and that includes exercise and probably fairly basic hygine needs , as well as staying in touch with family and friends who may need support). Of course it was higher when I was a student.

You said, "Do you not feel sad that you may never see your grandkids be born? Might miss weddings etc. maybe that’s what worries some people".
I said that that is not a reason to not have a baby.
Explain how it's irrelevant because I am frankly baffled!!?

It would be pretty self-defeating to not have children at all if you were worried about not having grandchildren- so that's not what pp is saying.

It's a pretty simple question, is it something you think about or not? Not everyone wants grandchildren so the answer would be 'no'. Or the answer could be 'yes, I do think about it but it's not a worry'.

41 is a common age to have kids in the middle east and Asia. In India it’s very common for healthy 41 year olds to have babies within a month of ttc. It’s only in the western world where something as natural as a woman having a baby before menopause is stigmatised to such an extent.

No, ‘women having a baby before menopause’ is normal in all countries. It gets much harder after menopause you see.

Give me strength, women of 40 with houses and careers are most definitely not stigmatised for having babies😂😂😂

Try 16, or women who are poor, women who have children from a previous relationship etc.

it's too old for me. I had my last at 37 and it's HARD WORK compared to when i was 23. I also worry that i won't be here when he's in his 40s etc

Eh? What do you think this thread and the voting stats are about then?

❤️
I don’t know that this can be representative of the “western world” but women on mumsnet are stigmatised for having babies no matter what it seems 😆. Too old, too young, too poor, used assisted reproduction, already have DC or SDC, single parent, don’t have the perfect relationship, don’t have perfect mental or physical health etc, you are SELFISH for wanting/ having a baby..

@soscarlet Keeping everything crossed for you! These threads can be v depressing so try not to focus on them too much (hard I know!)

@nutellacreppe i have a 16 year old girl, a 13 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. i'm 40 soon. The 16 year old is nothing but STRESS and worry constantly. Moods and hormones, boys, exams etc it's just one thing after another

I had my dd at 40 and it hit me like something else. It's DAMN hard work and has broken me. Would not recommend.

That’s not what studies say. Those state that children of mums over 40 more intelligent, better behaved, better socialised and more intelligent from their pre-teens than children whose mums are younger. There’s even big differences between children of mums who have their kids in their 30s vs 40s when you adjust for social class.

Have you quoted the wrong person there? It doesn’t relate at all to what I said. I said having babies after menopause is hard…