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Original poster

Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

436 replies

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:04

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

OP posts:
Caerulea · 10/11/2023 20:44

Op - as I previously said, just be direct in a kind way.

'really looking forward to next weekend, what is the plan with the dog while everyone is there?'

A stair gate isn't good enough. It's a crate or locked door away from where everyone else is &, importantly, she should already have a plan. Would it be OK in the car for the duration? Would there be a safe and quiet way for the dog to be taken to the garden on a lead for wees. If they haven't a crate, she's got a week to spend getting it used to being in one as a nice space - not for the first time on the day under ANY circumstances.

It's not so much what you say but what SHE says in response.

I know everyone here loves the idea of just putting dogs down. Just giddy with it. There isn't actually enough info here (one committed bite from a staffie could do serious damage. A collie would have to actively maul someone to put them in crutches. And to the pp who asked, yes, collies nip & can bite, for a bunch of reasons. It's more common than ppl think) They need to get proper help with it if they want to keep it. Staffies are lovely lovely dogs by nature but they can be reactive if treated badly...are you sure that hasn't happened in it's past? Eitherway it's 100% not safe to be around others. You can't compromise.

Tenero2311 · 10/11/2023 20:45

Im a massive dog lover , I have a dog and I also have a 9 year old daughter .There is no way on this planet that I would be taking my children into a house where there is a dog that has bitten people . Does the vet know that the dog has bitten people ? I’ve never heard of medication being given for aggression. If the dog bites have been treated at the hospital then were they not reported . ? At the very least the dog should be muzzled.If your partner will not call, then call your MIL and say you are not comfortable bringing your children whilst the dog is there due to its previous history. Although she should not need telling. If anything happened you would never forgive yourself . I have a Staffordshire Bull Terrier and she is excellent with children ( all people ) as we implemented boundaries from the day we got her . However if friends are bringing their children over , I always make sure that they are ok with her being in the room ( as some parents can be cautious ) , if they were uncomfortable I would offer to put her in the garden or another room. If your MIL dosent understand the situation then you definitely should not go. X

RampantIvy · 10/11/2023 20:45

He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere

Tough. An "atmosphere" is better than someone being hospitalised due to being attacked by an untrained dog.

Normally Staffies are even tempered and make good family pets, but they are strong and have a strong bite. Given that this dog has bitten before I would just say that I wouldn't be attending and why. My concern would be my children's safety. I couldn't care less about offending someone who can't control their dog.

Thinkbiglittleone · 10/11/2023 20:45

Is this for real ??
You tell them, sorry I am putting my child's safety first and they will not be visiting you while the vicious dangerous dog is on the premises, honestly,

Thinkbiglittleone · 10/11/2023 20:46

We wonder why so many poor children are getting mauled. Ridiculous owners.

grumpycow1 · 10/11/2023 20:47

Also the fact they have just got the dog “settled” around them 2 and then going to cram loads of people into the house?? How stupid are they. I’d word it “As you’re aware the dog has a very dangerous and vicious history. It may be settled around you both now but there is no way I’m bringing my children anywhere near it as who knows how it will react. I’m sure you don’t want to put your grandchildren at risk either? Please let us know where the dog will be while we visit. If it is going to be in the house I’m afraid we cannot come.”

Greydogs123 · 10/11/2023 20:48

I think you just need to say - when we visit the dog needs to be out of the house. We do not want to risk our children’s safety with a dog that has previously bitten more than once. If mil is going to be able to turn on the waterworks and get everyone to back down, then the situation will never change. If the dog is going to be there, you and your children won’t be. Let Dh go on his own and risk his leg!

MrsVentura · 10/11/2023 20:48

You know the answer..they have a dangerous dog that has to be medicated because they're all to selfish to have it put down. It's bitten people and had to be removed from a house with a baby. I'm maimed because of a similar situation when I was a child. Do not take them, you only get one chance at this and if you risk it and the worst happens I promise you you're children will never forgive you if they get hurt when they realise one day to purposely put them in danger. The dog could bite anyone. Stay away, all of you. Stay away. Do not go.

ttcat37 · 10/11/2023 20:49

Readingallnight · 10/11/2023 20:37

The post did say. Dangerous breed….it isn’t.

Show quote history

Where does it say that? I can see in the post that she calls it a dangerous dog, can’t see OP calling it a dangerous breed

June628 · 10/11/2023 20:50

I would not be visiting the house while that dog is there

Readingallnight · 10/11/2023 20:51

2jacqi · 10/11/2023 20:32

definitely not going there!!!!!!!!!!!!! why have they taken in an untrained dog which their daughter couldnt be bothered to train!! especially a dangerous breed!!!!!! Not on your life would I take kids to that environment!!! My daughter had boarding kennels and she was attacked by a staffie!!! 2 operations later and lots of physio!!!! she banned staffies from the kennels after that incident!

@ttcat37
this one.
third line.

Pipsquiggle · 10/11/2023 20:51

ttcat37 · 10/11/2023 20:30

It sounds like a familiar issue that’s already been spoken about so I don’t think you need to labour the point. Say something like “I know we’ve talked about it before but I just wanted to make sure that dog is going to be staying elsewhere whilst we’re there. Obviously we can’t visit if he’s at the house”

Something like this is what needs to be said.

LavendersBlueeee · 10/11/2023 20:51

Not worth the risk. You’d never forgive yourself.

OhwhyOY · 10/11/2023 20:52

I wouldn't go, the chances of them properly locking the dog away or sending it off elsewhere are very low IMO. I was worried already when you said about the biting, when you said it was a staffie given their jaw strength etc I would not be taking my children anywhere near it.

In fact I'd be considering calling someone (I don't know who the relevant authorities are but assume police?) to report the fact that this dog has bitten all these people. Hopefully that might force their hand - it's not fair on the dog either to live its life locked away. And I would tell them that I wanted to help them do the right thing as I knew it would be painful for them to do it themselves and this way it removes the decision from them. This is obviously a bit of a nuclear option though, if you want a gentler one you have a few good suggestions in the thread. I'd say we can't visit if the dog is there, much as we'd love to, and if you get crying/guilt trip I'd just say I agree it's a devastating situation but not as devastating as if the dog mauled one of the children. Please do the right thing by everyone a d have it pts.

Readingallnight · 10/11/2023 20:53

ttcat37 · 10/11/2023 20:49

Where does it say that? I can see in the post that she calls it a dangerous dog, can’t see OP calling it a dangerous breed

Show quote history

I see the mix up.
Idontlikealdi was I think referring to a previous and recent ( to theirs ) post.

Maraa · 10/11/2023 20:56

Don’t go. I’d rather put up with abit of a situation or argument with her than regretting the visit for the rest of my life

NotSorryForTheReality · 10/11/2023 20:57

@Caerulea

I’m not disagreeing 100% this can happen down to the breed but every dog has its own personality, my staffy was 100% good with all people/children not so much other dogs (however was never off leash or allowed close enough to do anything…and more than once needed to have her held close to make sure she couldn’t get near the “friendly” dog)…., rotty was good with people and dogs, the German shepherd bitch had “family” who she was very protective over but again wasn’t allowed even close to the opportunity to be reactive…, though the dog shepherd was really friendly with all people and kids (not dogs).

They all have their own personality that needs to be dealt with accordingly and that’s the owner’s responsibility.

BloodandGlitter · 10/11/2023 20:58

Someone should have a chat with them about making an appointment for behavioural euthanasia with the bite history the dog is too unpredicatable to rehome and rescues don't have the time for the amount of care and training it would take.

Daisy4569 · 10/11/2023 20:58

Looking forward to seeing you next weekend. I know that is now medicated and doing much better but obviously having extra people in the house (especially children) is likely to add extra stress to the situation. Just checking that there is a plan to keep and children apart so we can all relax and enjoy the day

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/11/2023 20:59

I agree that regardless of what she says she's doing with the dog, it won't really be good enough.

Doors can be opened accidentally, baby gates just make whatever is behind them seem appealing to children over toddler age, eventually the dog will need to be let out so it can toilet.

A bite risk dog isn't going to do well in a boarding kennels so thats not going to be an option.

I would just say that you are very sorry, you'll not be able to attend FIL birthday but hopefully you can make it up to them by going to X restaurant with them on such and such a date.

Hippobot · 10/11/2023 20:59

If it bites someone else not only will the dog be put down but your in-laws will be prosecuted for having a dangerously out of control dog (and knowingly too!). Is your SMIL aware that she would be fined and possibly jailed?

Rosebel · 10/11/2023 21:00

My brothers dog snapped at my DS when he was about a month old. DS is 3 now and hasn't met the dog since.
My brother says I'm overreacting and dog is safe. I don't care. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
In your case I'd stay at a B&B and met in laws away from the house and be clear that they don't bring the dog with them.
MIL sounds incredibly selfish. The dog needs to be put to sleep for it's own good as well as everyone else's safety. Cant believe she's putting a dog before her grandchildren.

Badgrief · 10/11/2023 21:00

I would point out to MiL that it is unfair on the dog for it to have to be around young children and other unknown visitors, when it is already known to be reactive (friendlier word than aggressive). Medication three times a day sounds quite extreme, it's not just a little calming.

So the dog needs to be somewhere else (probably kennels if any will take it) while they celebrate FiL's birthday, for its own wellbeing. Long term, the fact that it's owner (your SiL) will not have it in the same house as her child, shows it is not living its best life.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 10/11/2023 21:01

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 20:21

Just to answer a few questions on the replies:

  • I wasn't asking whether we should go or not. I wanted advice on how to tell MIL the dog needs to be away from the house if we do go. She is ALWAYS in tears and has had full on emotional breakdowns in the past where we have spoken about this. She says she loves the dog so much it breaks her heart to have him put down but she knows she needs to do it.
  • it's a pedigree Staffordshire Terrier
  • the reason they want us at their house this time is because they just finished a house extension and are also inviting family from abroad to come to his 70th birthday

Tears and 'full on emotional breakdowns' are her weapon of choice.

Clearly.

You need to ignore her weaponizing of her tears.

Be blunt. "We can't visit if the dog will be there. He's unpredictable and dangerous. Everyone knows it. And we will not put ourselves or our children in harm's way. Let us know when the dog will be kenneled elsewhere so we can plan."

nibblessquibbles · 10/11/2023 21:02

How about

HI MIL looking forward to seeing you. I hear that doggy is behaving better but probably best for all that we don't take any risks. So suggest that the dog is left outside for the day or could he be kept in a room and I'll make sure kids are kept out of that room. Of course if you have a better solution then just let me know! Looking forward to see you love dil