Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

[Kerrieanne85]

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

You knew the answer to this situation before you even asked the question. Your children come first. The dog is not safe and has to go elsewhere.
I say that as a massive animal over but common sense has to prevail.

Where I am located once a dog breaks human skin it is put to sleep. I thought it would be similar in UK, assuming that is where you are? you have described 3 incidents, how have your family gotten away with it not being reported if the dog caused injuries that required 7 weeks on crutches. You know anyway, do not bring your children there.

Nah, no way.

Meet up at a pub etc or have them to yours but until the dog is gone, don't go there.

For those suggesting 'ooh, shut it outside/in another room/in a crate... not good enough. People in denial about how dangerous (and usually because they're refusing to recognise how unhappy!) their dog is WILL 'accidentally on purpose, take risks. Drop the lead, open the door, let him out of the crate...

Theres a saying in dog behaviour modification circles... 'the more people involved in management, the faster that management fails'... one person is likely to manage quite well, two, ditto... the more people you add after that though, the greater the chances of fuck uppery.
Add ego and emotion... makes it even worse.

@boscabosco seriously? Thats bloody harsh, all mine would be dead then, they've grazed skin playing and getting silly, as puppies and adults, when scared or in pain at times. Whats the point of such outrageous rules, bite severity is just one part of evaluating a bite incident and a long long way from the full story!

seriously? Thats bloody harsh, all mine would be dead then, they've grazed skin playing and getting silly, as puppies and adults, when scared or in pain at times. Whats the point of such outrageous rules, bite severity is just one part of evaluating a bite incident and a long long way from the full story!

ffs you know what I mean, a bite, a proper bite that breaks skin by an adult dog in an aggressive or fearful mode. Can't believe that has to be spelt out. Don't tell me you own dogs.

Maybe if you had phrased it that you can't go because it's too stressful for their dog to be around so many people, it might have gone down better.

I own dogs, I work with dogs and evaluate bites.

'Breaks the skin' is a level 2 bite. Things don't get serious until we get to Levels 3/3a and above and even then, it is one part of the story, not the whole bloody novel.

It's important to identify accurately what level a bite is, because you might think a 'proper' bite is one deep puncture wound and some scrapes' and the next person might think its like the graphic images I saw last week of a child with the side of their face, neck, and torso ripped away and lower arms consumed and if we're just talking in vague 'you know what I mean' terms, then no, people do not automatically know what other people mean, at all.

I absolutely do know people who have dumped dogs at vets for a 'graze' level 2, where a few incisors have grazed skin causing some red marks. I also know people who have minimised multiple level 5s (keeping in mind that level 6 is Victim Dead)...

What sort of fucking maniac would expect children to be in the company of a dog that bit an adult so badly they were on crutches for seven weeks?!

This

Some very sick people who care not a jot for other's safety.
It's grossly irresponsible.
That dog - a Staffordshire- is clearly not right and is a very strong aggressive dog.
The owners don't give a shiny shit about people's safety.

I honestly don't understand why this is even a predicament. Not in a million years should your kids be near a dog that has bitten anyone, any reasonable person would understand this.

@WiddlinDiddlin

It would have been considerate to put a trigger warning on your post; i for one didn't need that image planted in my mind this morning.

It's possible to discuss OP's dilemma without graphic imagery.

Having seen occasional images of particularly Pit bull damage to people, it's absolutely horrific.
I clicked on one in error that was marked NSFL and can't 'un see it' {I wasn't sure what the ''L'' was at that time.

NSFL =not safe for life.

Like they have been come at with a chainsaw with massive lacerations and shredded skin, their face gone, yet they were still alive at the time of the photograph.
The poor man died a few days later, unsurprisingly.

I never thought such things were possible from supposed 'Domesticated dogs'.

People NEED TO KNOW what certain types of dogs are capable of.
They are too often seen as ''big softy's'' {sic} til they are going crazy at someone.

I had no idea how horrific dog 'bites' could be from strong, powerful types bred to have been bull baiters or dog fighting breeds - yes, all dogs can bite, but a chihuahua hasn't the power to wrench and maul and consume like some breeds/types are capable of doing.

A dog owner was partially consumed by her dangerous dogs at a vets in USA as she exercised them in the vet's yard - no one heard a thing.

These dogs had bitten in the past and were excused.

The vet staff said they were far too aggressive for the staff to manage, and the owner would have to exercise them in the yard - the vet staff weren't wrong.

https://www.star-telegram.com/news/local/crime/article228517434.html

Yes, and 30 mins of sobbing from the MIL and SIL who’ve created the problem while two of the victims look on. These women sound deranged. What are the chances that this situation will go on and on until the next time.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet but I'm usually the one who gets them all to start speaking to each other again and be on terms. That's why I wanted advice on the message to MIL

Tbh OP, I would leave them to it. It isn’t your job to be peacekeeper in DH’s family, or save them from themselves, protect them from the emotional fall out that they cause themselves and those around them. Arguably ‘making it all nice’ just puts off the whole issue of the dog needing to be PTS.

You sent a clear and direct message, stick with calm, polite, firm, and let them take grown up responsibility for their own response. You don’t need to manage their response to your reasonable decisions.

I wouldn't trust her to lock him in another room or to crate him for the day. You would find him appearing nearby with MIL who 'just wanted him to come and say hello, and show you what a good boy he is now . . ." or who hated to hear him whining during the day and wants to just give him a little break from being locked away

.

This

And this

Your husband and his dad sound like the only sane ones amongst you.

Why the battle to maintain a relationship with these lunatics? It's not a good thing.

This ...
I can see it happening. Or:
Zorro {what a name...lacerating people with it's sword like teeth}
A dangerous dog stressed out even more by it's histrionic owners , it will likely be squealing and crowing and yelping in a weak crate that it isn't trained for, as it will hear the sound of strangers in the house that its thinks it owns...It will be busting out of that crate.

Or raking at the flimsy door with it's hard nails and getting out, and flying at someone causing even more damage to an innocent person.

Nightmare situation.

I think this is exactly how it could go. I am a huge dog lover and have multiple but I wouldn't set foot in the house let alone take a child. Sorry, however fond you are of your ILS you are just going to have to be honest with them.

Stay in hotel near by and see them somewhere without the dog. No way would I be anywhere near the dog...it's bitten before

I just don’t see this as a pouring oil on troubled waters situation. I see it as nuclear when my kids lives are being risked. My contribution would be to say Dh is absolutely right, you want us to risk our children’s lives here. You are actively putting your grandchildren’s lives at risk here with that dog and YOU get upset?? We aren’t coming if the dogs there. Ever. Not one time. Not if it’s in 5 years. Dangerous dog in your house, we won’t be. We will be here bringing up our children safely and happily.

I think Op agrees, she's sent a message and waiting the response.

"Oh I'm so sorry MIL. You know we'd love to come and see you. It's just tricky with the dog. I know he's really unlikely to do anything, I know he's a good dog really, but if something happened I'd never forgive myself. I know it's a million to one, but knowing I knew the risk (because of what happened recently to the cousins and FIL), and took the kids into that risk, and then it happened: how could I explain that to them? What kind of mother would that make me? Sorry if this sounds unnecessarily anxious of me, but I'm sure you understand. Maybe it's a bit like how you are struggling to harm the dog. What shall we do instead? Meet out without the dog? Come to ours?'

Of course she doesn't really deserve all that accommodation, but seeing as that's what you asked for OP. The other thing to consider is if the dog really is being effectively medicated. Could DH pop over and check this out? Otherwise may be an ongoing bone (ha!) of contention.