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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did guests bring you precooked meals when you had a newborn?

540 replies

Redcargidan · 10/11/2023 17:04

Not an AIBU but a question. We have a newborn baby. Multiple people have asked me if our friends/family/visitors have brought things like precooked meals in tupperware (that can just be put in the microwave) when they visit, that sort of thing.
Nobody has done this and nobody did when our eldest was a newborn. In truth, nothing would be more appreciated right now than a meal I did not have to cook. Is this a thing? Do other people generally do this, or are the people that have said it just expectant?

I am fighting the urge to spend a fortune on takeaways because we are way too tired to cook, and am VERY jealous if other people generally receive precooked meals from visitors!
YABU - this isn't really a done thing
YANBU - this is a thing

The temptation to ask people to bring these instead of clothes that will only fit baby for 1 week when they come round! (Joking but wish I had the balls to do this )

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 10/11/2023 19:18

My Dad did. It was both a godsend and a miracle, as he learned to cook specifically for this purpose.

.

PomPomSugar · 10/11/2023 19:19

Our next door neighbour went into early labour unexpectedly and I had the keys to their house. I filled their freezer with home cooked meals and fridge with prepared fruit salad and bits and bobs. I did it mainly because I would have loved for someone to do it for me but also (rather selfishly) it fell on a couple of random days annual leave and I was grateful of the project! She was very grateful as her OH wasn’t a cook and they could just defrost and cook for a couple of weeks. I would now do the same for anyone, at least take a cooked meal over in a vessel that could be frozen if they already had things in for the immediate days after.

Original poster
Redcargidan · 10/11/2023 19:19

It’s a good idea to batchcook and freeze before..

DH did some but I was on modified bed rest so he was also caring for our other child, dog, house, working, he basically did everything both of us would usually do, and didn't do as much as he'd have wanted to. He went out and got a load of ready meals too. It all only lasts so long.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 10/11/2023 19:21

I pre-made lots of meals for after our first was born and put them in the freezer. Second baby too. Third, I think we just managed (I’m not a take away/ready meal fan).

if I was going to someone’s house as a visitor with a new born, I usually take lunch, but I wouldn’t expect it for me! I‘ve not really thought about it, but I’m a looker afterer by nature!

Lndnmummy · 10/11/2023 19:22

VeridicalVagabond · 10/11/2023 17:15

I have a family of excellent cooks who all love to cook for others (including one actual chef) and they all take food to new parents. I've done it for all my friends when they've had babies, it's such a great gift because standing in a kitchen cooking is just the last thing you want to be doing when dealing with a newborn.

Let me know where you are and I'll send you a hoard of mad aunties with trays and trays of lasagna, curry, pot roast, pies, casseroles, soups and stews 🤣

I don't have a newborn but I am desperate for one of your aunties. Please🙏

Jk987 · 10/11/2023 19:23

That's so lovely @PomPomSugar

VeridicalVagabond · 10/11/2023 19:24

Mariposista · 10/11/2023 17:20

No because we weren't suddenly incompetent. We showered, got dressed and ate healthy meals just as we always did. We had batch cooked beforehand (we do that anyway) and took turns to make dinner (while the other fed the baby/sorted washing/did whatever. We weren't precious at all.

Congratuwelldone, I'm sure it's lovely to have a birth and baby easy enough that you can do that. Sadly that's not true for all people.

Hope your baby doesn't grow up to be as smug, rude, bitchy and insufferable as it's parents apparently are 😁

AcrossthePond55 · 10/11/2023 19:25

I'm US West Coast and this was very much a 'thing' when my friends, relatives, and I were having our babies in the 80s. Friends and relatives brought main dishes in foil tins so they didn't even have to be washed.

This was also a 'done thing' for serious illnesses and deaths. We once organized a 'meal delivery train' for a terminally ill friend. Our friendship group got together and did a calendar so one of us brought a main dish every day and checked to see if they needed chores done or errands run. I've also been in one for a terminally ill coworker. And when my dad died, plenty of neighbours brought food. This was back in the 90s.

I think it's more common if you have a tight friendship group or belong to a church or some type of club. Or if you work in a workplace that is predominately female.

Butsheisnot · 10/11/2023 19:27

My brother brought us a lovely meal but it was during lockdown so we weren't allowed to meet indoors (I can't believe this was a thing!!)

But no. I wouldn't have expected it or needed it. Life didn't change that much with a newborn tbh but I know lots of people don't have that experience!

Lndnmummy · 10/11/2023 19:28

I didn't have anyone dropping things off but my ML moved in with us for a couple of months after each one of my babies were born. We live in a small flat and I thought I would hate it but I cried when she left. She cooked for us every day, helped me care for the baby, stood up for me during midwife and health visitors visited and was militant to take the baby so I could nap. I don't think I'd be here without her, I well up just thinking about it. She is elderly and quite frail now and I can't imagine our family without her. I love her to bits.

JANEY205 · 10/11/2023 19:30

It’s a big thing in the US. We have had meal trains for after our first baby was born and for after I had surgery. Not expecting one this time when I deliver but we won’t be having many guests due to winter baby! In the UK I think taking a gift for baby and going for a cup of tea is the norm. I wouldn’t take a meal for UK new parents not expect one.

Flowerpowera7 · 10/11/2023 19:30

Two of my friends did. This is exactly what you need at this time isn't it.

GymWanker · 10/11/2023 19:31

No, but people knew I wouldn’t like it. I appreciate I’m in the minority but I love cooking, and especially when the kids were newborns and toddlers. It felt like ‘me’ time. I’m a weirdo though!

Sugargliderwombat · 10/11/2023 19:31

My MIL made my other half's favourite pork dish. I'm vegetarian.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 10/11/2023 19:32

Farcis · 10/11/2023 19:16

This type of comment is so spectacularly close-minded as to be unbelievable. I couldn't stand up. Literally couldn't stand up. DH didn't know which way was up. We were both in shock from what had just happened. We did throw something in the oven. We threw in what friends and family had, in their infinite kindness, gifted us.

Honestly, some people on this thread really need to remember that if you can't say something nice, don't bother saying anything at all. To anyone with a newborn reading this, regardless of whether or not you had the easiest birth in the world, pay no attention at all to anyone who tries to put you down.

Show quote history

Tbf, if you couldn't even stand up I don't think anyone would expect you to do anything other than lie down!

But your DH not knowing which way is up....I think that's the point. Everybody has their life turned upside down by the arrival of their first newborn (well, most people). It's not unkind to suggest that making scrambled eggs, or putting a ready meal in the oven is not only doable, it's advisable. It's a baby in your house, not a nuclear bomb going off. It's helpful to parents of newborns to know that your priority is staying alive by eating and drinking. Nothing bad is going to happen to your baby if you put it down, or hand it to the other adult, for the time it takes to scramble some eggs and make some toast. Yes, your baby might cry for a bit. Yes, your food might get cold. No, you won't be able to sit at the table and have a calm chit chat over dinner. But, priorities. Your baby will be fine if you boil some pasta and chuck on a sauce, fry some sausages and an egg, wash some salad and heat up a pasty, eat your food sideways at the table with the baby in one hand and a fork in the other, leave the washing up for 4 hours later. Everything will be fine.

Wildwildwildwest · 10/11/2023 19:32

My mother in law did with our first one. I appreciate the thought but wished she hadn’t. I had much longed for sushi instead for the first 3 days. Ended up throwing it all away as it got forgotten at the back of the fridge. Felt awful about the waste but it genuinely wasn’t something I wanted to eat.

Teentaxidriver · 10/11/2023 19:32

My church used to organise a rota and we’d all cook for the parents of a newborn for about a week but sometimes 10 days or even two weeks.

Teentaxidriver · 10/11/2023 19:33

Everyone did one or two meals.

WestSussexWitch · 10/11/2023 19:36

No but I wouldn’t have wanted anybody to, I know I was very fortunate to have straightforward delivery’s, easy newborns and desperate to be up and on my feet the minute they popped out, after my second delivery I had a weird endorphin/adrenaline rush and felt like I could run a marathon, I had to be told to sit the fuck down by exH.

Kanelsnegl · 10/11/2023 19:38

Got takeout vouchers from one couple and a friend sent a box of freezer microwave meals from a company. I'm from abroad so my family couldn't bring meals like they usually do but brought me all my fave snacks from home.
All of these will be remembered amd appreciated forever and has shaped how I'll visit whenever my friends start having babies as none have yet. Even just bringing some snacks I think is appreciated hugely.

Farcis · 10/11/2023 19:39

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 10/11/2023 19:32

Tbf, if you couldn't even stand up I don't think anyone would expect you to do anything other than lie down!

But your DH not knowing which way is up....I think that's the point. Everybody has their life turned upside down by the arrival of their first newborn (well, most people). It's not unkind to suggest that making scrambled eggs, or putting a ready meal in the oven is not only doable, it's advisable. It's a baby in your house, not a nuclear bomb going off. It's helpful to parents of newborns to know that your priority is staying alive by eating and drinking. Nothing bad is going to happen to your baby if you put it down, or hand it to the other adult, for the time it takes to scramble some eggs and make some toast. Yes, your baby might cry for a bit. Yes, your food might get cold. No, you won't be able to sit at the table and have a calm chit chat over dinner. But, priorities. Your baby will be fine if you boil some pasta and chuck on a sauce, fry some sausages and an egg, wash some salad and heat up a pasty, eat your food sideways at the table with the baby in one hand and a fork in the other, leave the washing up for 4 hours later. Everything will be fine.

Show quote history

@Raincloudsonasunnyday, I don't disagree, which is why I made the point about putting stuff in the oven that others had brought. And of course we managed to have breakfast, lunch and lots of biscuits, but the point that I was making, was that neither of us in was in the headspace to make a proper meal, and the fact that others had done that for us, was really kind.

And I suppose, remembering back to that time, and how utterly shocked I was, the thought of someone sneering about the fact that neither of us hadn't been in the kitchen in our pinnies making dinner smarted a bit.

I'll go and have a glass of wine. It'll make me feel better😃

BlueEyedPeanut · 10/11/2023 19:40

No, but I didn't expect people to. People came to see the baby, not to offer their cooking and cleaning services.

We bought a small chest freezer and filled it with meals ourselves for when DH went back to work. I wouldn't cook for anyone else either unless they asked. People are fussy about what they eat and many have allergies and intolerances.

YouAreBeingUnbearable · 10/11/2023 19:40

Yes, I have received and given meals to friends. We’re in quite a bubble of expats though and none of my friends have family nearby. So we’ve all become each others’ family.
I did get about 4 lasagnes when my third was born 😂

Canyoudigityesyoucan · 10/11/2023 19:43

I never bring cooked meals because I’m a shite cook but I always, always do the Cook! New parents box for every friend who’s had a baby and I know they’ve really appreciated it.

JANEY205 · 10/11/2023 19:43

Twilight7777 · 10/11/2023 18:14

I think it depends on whether you did it for others, cos usually these things are reciprocated AFAIK

This is the main thing. Unless you’re wanting to set up meal trains for others and contribute after, it’s incredibly unfair to expect others to do it for you. I’ve benefited from and contributed to meal trains. We now are in a new area and so will make sure our snacks, treats, freezer etc is stocked up as we also have a toddler to feed this time so will crack on with it. Meal trains are reciprocal. I wouldn’t take any food to my friends with babies as none of them offered or brought food when I had mine (first of the group). For other friends I would.