He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

I really dont need to explain myself any further to anyone i think ive said enough.
And i dont want to take over someones post.

Just read your updated post where you gave him a YEAR!!!!! Hell no!!! You don't have a year to waste!
He's already had three of your (most fertile) years. What's going to chance with another year? Nothing that matters?
Get rid.

This is really good advice.

I did a similar thing to you when my DP of nearly 7 years (5 of them living together) failed to 'pop the question' despite me being clear from the beginning it was something I wanted, and he agreed was probably best if we were going to have children together. I was 27, so a bit younger than you.

I pointed out there was a period the following year which would be a good time to get married and he agreed. But in a similarly nonplussed way to your partner. I brought it up a few days later and he told me I was ridiculous to think that was an agreement to marriage. Plus, he believed he needed to propose. I didn't give a stuff about a ring, but it seemed to mean something to him...

So I waited.

We argued and raged over the suject for months as we had reached an impasse. I came up with a deadline in my head but didn't communicate it to him, that I would leave him by if he didn't propose. I even had friends lined up to help me move out.

He proposed with less than 24 hours left. I agreed, but spent a while decompressing from the whole experience.

We are now planning our 10 year wedding anniversairy and have a child and I am really glad we didn't have to split up as we love each other very much.

But your situation is tough OP. Is he being a bit shit as he just doesn't really 'do' weddings and marriage isn't a deal breaker to him (like was the case with my DH) or does he not really want to get married? It is very hard to tell, and he might not even know himself, which makes this situation very cruel.

However, I would have been entirely reasonable to have left him when I planned, if he hadn't met my needs on commitment, tough as it would have been for a while.

You need to retract the year date and say you want to book something for 3 months time and explain why ( fertility) that way if you have to cancel the day because he unsure, you can drop him then, and yes you should drop him then.

fwiw, I did not move in together until I was engaged and the date was set and he had done the asking. I was young but expected
the subject to be discussed by the 2 year mark of dating.

I have friends too that did not have enough time leeway to have kids because they lived with a bf who would not commit.

I think unless you are very traditional and only want to do things in the 'correct' order, i would be having a serious talk with him about the baby situation first. If hes being so uncommital about the marriage question then id 100% want to know where he stands on children. If being a mum is your dream then focus on this first as he may string you along if hes terrible at commiting which in my opinion is worse than not wanting to get married. Lay it all on the table that this is an absolute dealbreaker for you.

@Notwhatyouwanttohear that's a traditional approach, but I don't think it's a bad thing for a woman to propose

I gave him a year to show that I'm not trying to rush him, maybe it was a silly thing to suggest, I'm not very experienced and I don't seem to trust my own boundaries and instincts

You gave him a year rather than the week? Noooooooo!

Out of interest, what are the specific legal protections you get when you marry the father of your offspring?

All assets are shared, so if you get stuck with all the childcare and your career suffers, and theirs carries on and up, you dont get left with nothing in a split.

Protected against what?
Are you getting a vaccination too?

Wait....what??? You asked him to marry you but have given him a year to decide???

Good grief, NO!! You give him a maximum of one month, preferably less. If he doesn't know by then, and can give an enthusiastic sounding yes (this is very important) then he really doesn't want to marry you. He just wants to coast along because it does require effort to leave. Coasters never leave so you will have to.

You are better than this. You deserve a man who is going to shout from the rooftops how much he loves you. One that can’t wait to marry you. Put this shitty time waster in the bin and find someone who actually loves you properly, do it now while you’ve still got time.

Nope. You’re being far too nice and have given him a year to decide. Ditch him.

This is likely the truth.

I'm sorry OP.

When a man really wants to be with you, there isn't any confusion.

Men know what they want.

They go after what they want.

They stay with good enough for now partners because it suits them.

They can like and care for them, but they know they are not THE ONE.

When they meet THE ONE, the nail it down.

Its painful to realise, but it's the truth.

Men only confuse you, when they are not that into you.

Don't waste your fertility on this guy.

But what if the woman has all the assets and is the breadwinner, are there any other legal protections? Genuine question.

You certainly have said enough.

You think it's unfashionable to seek any kind of legal protection for yourself and your children because marriage is "being owned".

Other people understand that the whole point of marriage is that the two people concerned are entering into legal obligations towards each other that they can't just walk away from.

Then it's a more complicated question and getting married may not be in her best interests if she really is bringing a lot more to the table financially than the man.

But that would be quite an unusual scenario, and even if she is slightly better off pre kids, that can change. Women often see their careers stall and their earning capacity tail off after they have kids, when their male partners bounce from one promotion to the next. Or sometimes the children have unexpected needs and need one parent to be at home with them. Things don't always work out as you expect.

The point of marriage is that one person can't just walk off into the sunset leaving the other person in the lurch. A judge has to look at the whole situation and decide what is fair.

I am not at all surprised to read you don’t have much experience in relationships OP.

why? Firstly you don’t mention once actually loving this man or how you feel about him. Simply that age is many on your side.

And you say you know he loves you because… he is “attached” to you. Feeling loved is about so so much more than that.

and finally - you have here a man who doesn’t want to get married to you imminently. That’s not to say never. But certainly not in the short term.

Setting deadlines is in no one’s interests

Im sorry, he isnt that into you,

Setting deadlines is in no one’s interests

I think it is, when they've already been together several years, OP wants to be married before she has kids, and is already mid 30s. She has a finite amount of time in which to be relatively sure that she can conceive/carry to term etc. I know people do sometimes have kids over 40 but it's not as reliable or as easy.

Sorry haven't been able to reply earlier. I can't eat or sleep ATM. I do love him a lot, that goes without saying. I'm allowed to love him and also worry about age.
For a brief moment when he said yes I felt elated. I thought, I'm engaged, I felt ecstatic. Then felt like an idiot a few minutes later. A friend told me to wait until January latest.
I've noticed that not a single poster, or not many at all, have told me to just wait around for him to change his mind.

Who wants to marry someone who needs a deadline in order to answer. Quite clearly the need to impose a deadline is the answer

I'm sorry for you, but he's not going to change his mind.. If no enthusiastic yes and setting a date by the end of this weekend, you need to be telling him it's over. Say it like you mean it, and watch his reaction carefully. Then plan your next moves accordingly.

What will you do if he does not meet the deadline?

What happens if he comes to you and says he wants to be with you forever and he wants children

but he doesn’t want to marry?