He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

I agree with the above PP and believe this was the right thing to do. Kudos to you OP, for taking the bull by the horns and being proactive about what you want. Because, either way, you'll have your answer and that can only ever be a good thing.

Endings are always painful, but they are less painful than living with someone who is only half-heartedly into the relationship and/or keeps you hanging in there on a promise they never have any intention of fulfilling.

Much better to reach this stage before children come into the equation.

This comes from someone who never particularly wanted marriage, but am belatedly happy that we did (after 10 years, but we were both busy with other priorities until then. Until my mid-thirties thought I never wanted children, either, but have always been sure that in the event I did, I would be married beforehand.

It's a very good thing to have a line in the sand about how you are and are not willing to structure your life. I genuinely wish you the best of whatever your future has to hold (one man is never the only option).

Here's the problem - when proposing marriage, like sex, what you are after is enthusiastic consent. Not reluctance, not prevarication, not ambivalence. Enthusiasm.

Not yeah, maybe later, not oh all right if we must, not yes, that could be good.

This is deciding to spent the rest of your lives together. If that's not Damned right we should, would you even want a half-arsed OK?

Rate yourself higher, OP, and move on. You deserve someone who would give their eye teeth to spend their life with you and raise a family.

I'm afraid I think you should have taken the first yes's and run with it. Why did you keep asking him if he was sure?

Because his response was lukewarm at best and she doesn't want to find herself another year down the line with him saying, "Actually, I don't want to."

IMHO, marriage, and children, are one of those things that you have to be 100% sure you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. If you are unsure about it in any way, then don't do it. And certainly don't do it because somebody else wants you to do it. It's your life and marriage has to work for you too.

This guy has to be totally honest, with himself as much as anybody else, and brave enough to articulate that clearly. He's setting himself up to fail if he doesn't.

Well im not married and i have children one is disabled .
(brittle bones wheel chair user )
I take care of my children my self the dad ran off with OW and i turned down CM as i see it if he did not want to stick around to be a dad i dont want his dirty money.
I work full time i do not want or need a dead beat dad hand outs.
What my children have i have got it i dont need financial support from him.
A dad being around is worth more than any money he didnt want to be around i dont need his money.

Not everyone wants to be married but still may want children. You need to consider if you want the same things and go from there. If he doesn’t want what you want you have the answer.

So basically you've let the father of your children get off scot free and not provide for them.

I'm sure that when your children are 18 they would be very grateful to have all those years of child maintenance payments you turned down in a bank account for them to spend on driving lessons or what have you, but oh well.

Marriage, like sex, really needs enthusiastic consent. He isn't being enthusiastic which threw doubts into your mind and why you kept asking. How enthusiastic is he about children?

I had a similar time with my DH and it has been a horrible marriage. He just doesn't care enough about me, the children or our house. He also doesn't care enough to leave. I think your DP will be the same. It's soul destroying.

Have you discussed and aligned on wanting kids, and your timeline for that? That seems to be at the forefront of your mind, and is a deal breaker. Of course he may have agreed he wanted kids on the same timeline as you in the early days when it was all very abstract, and not be so sure now. That happens. But if you didn't have that conversation quite early on, it's very tricky to find out this late in the day that you don't want the same thing.

In any case @applepieandtea, you didn't answer the question.

I asked what would happen if either you or your partner had to stop work to take care of your child full time.

Who would do that job and what legal guarantees would you have in place to ensure that the person who was still earning couldn't just bugger off and leave them high and dry?

How old is he?

It sounds like he just doesn’t want to get married.

I’d give it 6 months or less (get Xmas out of the way) and if he’s still not said anything to you about getting married then it’s time to end the relationship and find someone else.

F

You need to pin down his intentions one way or another and, as painful as this is right now, you've done the right thing to make a decision if you want a whole marriage, then children shebang.

Don't be that woman who burns through her fertile years betting on a man playing the later-later- maybe never game if having children is a priority for you.

My children have accounts and have savings.
My children are 14-16 and know all about it they're old enough to understand it as not effected them.
Their dad is not free really he missed them growing up school plays etc i never stopped him seeing the children he just didnt turn up.
Everyone as a different approach to things.

I see the point I was making has gone whooshing over your head, which is that you turned down money which was for your children and which they were entitled to, out of some misplaced sense of pride.

Now, you work full time but what if you couldn't?

If you were with a partner you weren't married to and one of you had to stay at home full time with your disabled child, how would the person who did that be protected?

Asking is not forcing. Proposing is an offer of something wonderful “be with me forever, I love you that much.” The person receiving the proposal can (and should!) say no if they don’t feel the same way. There is nothing be coy about. And there is no excuse for the boyfriend’s lukewarm response. If he doesn’t feel the same way he has the option to turn down the proposal but he has to make a counteroffer or get out.people don’t like to make the counter offer because its so insulting and nakedly selfish to say “no i don’t feel the same way.”

I would just get on with it and i would stay at home as my disabled child is a girl and 14 and somethings i dont think a man would want to do like help with changing her pads bathing she is a young lady.

I'm sure he does love, but just not enough I would guess. Personally while it would be v difficult I would cut my losses and end the relationship. Two things will happen, it will either spur him into action the thought of losing you or that will be it which means he was never fully committed to begin with and you ahve wasted no more time.

If having children is a priority to you, then you need to make it happen. You did exactly the right thing, don't regret it for a second. Now you need to follow through, registry booked, talking about kids, or packing and looking for a new place to live. If you want it, then you have to take action now.
However be prepared that having a child with someone disengaged and passive is really not fun. It will be 'your' baby in all likelihood, and you will be left carrying it all. So be ready to accept that might be the life you are signing up for. All depends on how important having a child is to you.

Honestly I would just get on with it and work it out.
Life dont stop.

Yeeesssss...

And what would you do if your partner fucked off?

How would you support yourself, both today and in the future?

"Just get on with it" doesn't explain how the money you need to live arrives in your bank account.

Just get on with it as i said above life dont stop.

"Just get on with it" doesn't explain how you...you know...pay for stuff.

It's very clear that he isn't the one for you. If he wanted to marry you, he would be so excited by your idea or would have proposed himself.

Wait the one week, perhaps. But then dump him. Go to lots of parties over the Christmas season and meet lots of other eligible people.

I forced my husband to marry me. We had been together for six years, he suddenly said he didn't want marriage or children, so I dumped him. He was heart-broken and, after several months of trying to persuade me, we did get back together and get married and have a child.
But, really, the fact that he never REALLY wanted these things (with me) is evident over and over again in our not so happy marriage. My proposal memories (not that the proposal is important, but still) are of him grumbling at the price and being rude to the sales assistant in the jewelry shop, not some romantic proposal where he was so excited to give me a ring he had carefully chosen... And it's only gone downhill since then. Trying to parent with someone who never really wanted to be a parent is TOUGH.

Dump and find someone who wants what you want, while you still have time.