He said yes then asked for more time

[excuseme678]

After several years I decided to take the bull by the horns and I asked my partner what he thought of us booking a registry office for a year's time from now. We don't have the money for a big wedding and I'm honestly happy with a registry office.
Age isn't on my side unfortunately.
He said 'yes that could be good'. I asked him several times, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, are you certain?' He said yes.
I was crying tears of joy, I asked him if I should tell my family and his etc. And he said yes.
We were hugging and I was so happy, I didn't know if this day would ever come.
I said to him one last time, as long as you're certain you're ready, you can have time to think about it if you want.
He said 'actually, can I have time to think about it?'
I said yes that's fine, and asked him to tell me next week.
I'm actually not sure how to feel now, he already knew I wanted to get married and I'm scared he said yes because it's what I wanted to hear. What do people think, I'm just really not sure what he'll say. I feel embarrassed tbh.

He’s just not that into you. If he wanted to marry you he’d jump at the chance.

You’d ask a man to marry you because you want to get married and life is too short so sit about like a drip waiting for laid back Bob to get his act together. Also, if he says no, it means you don’t have to waste any more time or money on him.

Do you have a fertility thief here, OP? A man who'll string you along with the marriage mirage and the maybe baby until it really is too late for you?

And don't have a baby with a man who won't marry you.

OP haven’t you just posted about this yesterday/day before, under a different username?

If he’s not sure and needs a week to think, why would you want to marry him? Marriage should be because both of you really want it, and are ready, not because you want it and he agrees to try and placate you temporarily. With regards to your age and fertility, I’m sure it was your post the other day, and as you were told on there you cannot force or coerce him into having a child. If a child is important/a deal breaker to you, and you feel time isn’t on your side, then the answer is for you to leave and find someone else, not for you to push him into a wedding in the hope that afterwards you can push him into a baby.

Well done for asking @excuseme678

I have to say that when my dh proposed, it came out of the blue for me, and I said yes because I couldn’t bear to say no to him. I really did need to take time to think about it.

I didn’t want to ruin his big moment, and I thought I could think it through later, and if it was going to be a no, I’d let him down gently. It wasn’t easy to think surrounded by well wishers and wedding planners.

It wasn’t a no, I loved the bones of him. We’re happily married a long time now. But it took me a while to get used to the idea. I actually think it’s an eminently sensible thing to take a few days and consider the future.

And I’d strongly urge you to do the same. If he’s not saying yes now, what are you going to do? And are you sure that you want to marry him. Use these few days to get your head straight too.

It’s a huge decision- throw kids in the mix, and getting married is one of the biggest financial decisions of your life. One that has the potential to plunge you into poverty. It’s not something to take lightly and we really shouldn’t pretend that giddy romanticism has any place in the decision making.

I wouldn’t assume the worst just yet. But I would hold firmly to the deadline you’ve set - don’t give away your power waiting for him to come back, or make a grand gesture or whatever. “So, it’s been a week…?” is a good opener.

I hope you get the answer (and the future) that you deserve.

If he says no, I think you should dump him. You probably should dump him anyway and move on to someone who really wants to marry you.

OP unfortunately he doesn’t want to marry you but isn’t brave enough to say that outright. Maybe he is not ‘into’ the idea of marriage or maybe he’s not sure enough about the relationship yet, hard to tell without knowing more about what conversations you’ve both had about it in the past. But it doesn’t really matter the reason, if you want to get married he’s not the one, you wouldn’t want to marry someone who needed a week to decide, you want to marry someone who cannot wait to be your husband.

Do you even know he wants children (and soon)?

Because I can see him being flaky about that too and that’s much more time critical.

I'm all for thinking over important life decisions and not leaping into things carelessly only to regret them later...

However, why would one week more make a difference to him?

This isn't sudden and out of the blue and being asked by a stranger. He has had plenty of time to consider whether he does or does not want marriage to you (or at all).

There'll be someone out there for you who doesn't need to take a second to think about it.

Please don't have children with someone who is clearly a total commitmentphobe.

'yeah could be good' is the most limp lukewarm response to what was essentially an earnest marriage proposal.

I really think a deeper conversation is needed here. A yes or no to marriage doesn’t answer the questions about what the future looks like. Plenty of people never marry for their own reasons but have a fully committed relationships and raise children together, marriage isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t mean that a family isn’t possible. Equally, marriage doesn’t necessarily mean children will follow, some may want to marry but not have kids. These are the conversations that need to take place as sensitive and awkward as they may feel. After 3 years together you should be able to speak about this and really need to do so rather than just staking your future on assumptions you make about what the answer to this one question means.

It’s not really about marriage , he isn’t committed to you . He isn’t willing to tie himself to you . It’s not that unusual , lots of men do this and lots of women are in the same position as you .

By all means wait the week , but be aware that you may be about to waste another year.

I’ve just seen a friends son do this to a gorgeous young lady . I think she deserves better - as do you .

Surely he's agreed to marry you. He can't back down on that. When you chat next week it's just to confirm the venue, day of the week and time. Sit down together with your laptop and credit card and get it booked!

OP, you’ve been together for 3 years. Live together. You want children. If he isn’t sure then move on. However, it’s perfectly fine to say I want to get married, tell me now whether you’re in or out? If he doesn’t know/needs more time/thinks it’s too soon just move on. It’s not being pushy, or forcing him to marry out. It’s forcing him to make a decision. A decision that you need the answer to.

Good luck.

It's been 3 years I'd be expecting an engagement ring by now.
He doesn't want to marry you if he has to think about it sorry Op.
I would give an ultimatum to be honest.. Either you are serious about this relationship and want to marry me or I will leave.
Don't have any kids with an unmarried man.

Be sure its what you both want and not just you.
Ive seen so many failed marriages because its what one wants.

1. my mum wanted marriage stepdad didnt really want it 13 years together very happy mum said it was a commitment and they should do it they got married but it changed my mum over night she went from calm to hell all we heard was we are married you are my husband now it was like she owned him just awful 3 years of marriage stepdad ran for the hills easy divorce he gave her everything he just wanted out and be free.

2. my aunty did not want kids out of wed lock married twice divorced twice met her 3rd partner had 3 children never married him they been together 26 years now. (her words marriage wasnt worth it)

3. my friend wanted marriage has prof of commitment but her partner of 3 years said not right now after 12 long months of wedding talk and how he should marry her if he loved her he caved in and left her.
   She met someone else and married him after 2 years. She proposed to him they are now having a messy divorce and one child.
   Her ex is with someone else and very happy and has 2 daughters still not married.

4)My aunty no2 never married said she does not need marriage to prove she loves him and is committed to him they both agree 52 years together 4 kids 6 gran kids and still act like teenagers.(her words are we do not own each other we are not each others property)

Or just read MN on how married life is.
Ive never wanted marriage and i could never get marred the feeling of being owned ick my money is mine.
But thats my opinion.

I’m so sorry, OP, but he doesn’t want to marry you ☹️ this is a recipe for disaster trying to drag him into marriage.

I think he’s stringing you along OP . Rethink this man, 4 years is a long time for him to be undecided

Sorry OP but that isn’t true at all.
Im glad I lived with previous boyfriends and we worked out we weren’t compatible before marriage. My now husband I lived with before he proposed and my married friends all lived with their partners prior to marriage too. It’s not because you lived with him, it’s because he is delaying and wasting your time! If he wanted to, he would. I know that is crushing, but you are young! You have time to have children OP! You have time to meet a partner who won’t make you doubt yourself! Who will make a commitment to you. You deserve more if this partner can t give it to you. I’d be clear with him how hurtful this is and that marriage is important to you and if it’s not something he sees for himself then you are no longer compatible. Good luck OP, better days are ahead I promise!

Well it’s really worth being married if you have children.

Being married doesn't mean "being owned", what an odd idea.

To some its worth it but not all of us want marriage in life.

Just dump him, or you'll be back here in a year upset because he's still stalling.

If he wanted to he would. He hasn't. He's probably waiting for the 21yo supermodel to realise she wants a bloke like him and then he'd be off anyway.

Anyone can say a few words about missing you. It's just words.

Being married means alot of things and everyone has a different look on it.

OK so here's a question.

If you had children with your unmarried partner and one of those children turned out to be disabled and need one of you to stay at home and be a full time carer, who would do that job, and how would their financial interests be protected?