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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my baby to view my partner’s ex’s Mum as ‘Nanny’?

171 replies

fellinlovewithawar · 09/11/2023 14:09

My partner and I are expecting our first child together at the beginning of next year. He already has two children and maintains a good relationship with his ex, as well as her family. I’ve met the majority of them (always in a setting such as a party, or with the kids about), and they’ve all been incredibly welcoming. With that said, there are times I struggle with the dynamic. This is very much a ‘me’ issue, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong in the setup. This is something I’m working through, and I support the co-parenting relationship as much as I can, but I just don’t feel comfortable right now establishing a relationship with the rest of the family.

My partner has expressed that he’d like us to meet up with her family separately eventually (outside of family gatherings) and when we’ve spoken about a wedding in the future, he’s told me he wants them all to be there. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent. She’s always been supportive of him, and I would never want him to lose that, nor the relationship he’s built with the rest of the family. He wasn’t the initiator in the breakdown of his last relationship, and it doesn’t feel fair for him to suffer because of it. However, when it comes to conversations around our son, I’m finding it really hard to accept this. The main sticking point is that I can only see his ex’s Mum as exactly that. He said he wants her to be one of the first people to meet our baby. When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’.

We spoke at length, and I explained why I felt the way I did, and didn’t feel it was fair that he’s made that decision on viewing her as ‘Nanny’ without talking it through with me first. He understood, but I think this all really upset him. I can see his point of view, but something about our son being integrated into his ex’s family just makes me uncomfortable. I’m happy for him to meet her, to go over to play when we bring the other children, but I cant get past the idea of him calling her his ‘Nanny’.

I need to know AITAH for feeling uncomfortable and telling him I don’t want this? I don’t know if I’m not fully understanding his viewpoint and if I should just push through the way I’m feeling.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 09/11/2023 14:22

Yanbu. My sister was very close to her 1st mil and she was a fantastic granny to her kids. (Their dad was/is an a**hole though)
When my sister had more children with her 2nd husband she was really good to them too, buying them gifts, asking after them etc. My sister also invited them to her 2nd wedding though they refused because their son didn’t like it. She always referred to her as granny and I think when the kids were little they called her it too, but now they use her name and refer to her as their siblings granny.
She’s a lovely woman and only meant well, no harm in her. But I also wouldn’t want my children considering my partners ex’s family their family. Does his ex have a new partner/husband? Because I imagine many wouldn’t want that on that side either. At some point both families will probably move on.
Your family are now his in-laws and they will be your children’s family.

nutsnutspistachionuts · 09/11/2023 14:28

As well as the continuing friendship your ex has with her, this lady is also your child's siblings' gran so it's nice that your kid can have some sort of relationship with her. YANBU to remind your DH of some boundaries - "sweetheart at the end of the day she is still your ex's mum" and maybe encourage more of an every-so-often "auntie" type relationship, but essentially I'm assuming all these people mean well? You might be grateful for extra babysitting options at some point.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2023 14:28

God no, that sounds mad. He’s way too enmeshed with his ex inlaws. You don’t have to go along with this at all. I assume his ex is single? If she gets a boyfriend I can’t see him being too thrilled about it either.

PramPusherCentral · 09/11/2023 14:29

The more people there are to love and care for my child, the better.

Cumbrianlife · 09/11/2023 14:33

I think it's lovely. The more caring people in a child's life the better.
DB and his wife do not have DC together.
DB was married before and together they had 2DC. His ex wife had 2 older DC. DB still treats all 4DC the same 25 years later. They are his daughters, not ex stepdaughters. They have the loveliest family dynamic. DB and his wife are grandparents to all four DC's children.
On paper the two older DD are not related to DB, SIL or even myself. We all treat them the same as his DC. I did the flowers as a gift for one DD last year and it was DB who walked her down the aisle.
Give it time. I love the family my DB and his wife have. They love each other as family not just because of biology.

HiCandles · 09/11/2023 14:35

I think the role of loving grandmother doesn't have to be only because of a biological link. If this lady will be a supportive person in your child's life and it sounds like your DP thinks she will be, or at least given a chance to be, I think that can only be a good thing for your child. Try not to worry about the original reason for her knowing your DP- that's irrelevant now I think.
Also worth remembering that your stepchildren will be referring to her as Nanny so it won't seem massively odd for their younger sibling to do the same.

Sirzy · 09/11/2023 14:36

Personally I wouldn’t be bothered by that. I think it’s lovely he has such a close relationship with them.

could you compromise on her being an “aunty” or similar (in the parents friend type aunt relationship!)

Maddy70 · 09/11/2023 14:37

I understand him wanting her ti be called nanny. If his other children call her that you don't want your own child feeling "different"

Anyotherdude · 09/11/2023 14:40

I can understand why you feel that way, but you can get around this quite easily. When my wonderful PIL’s used to pick up my children from school, they also used to pick up my DSis’s little girl and look after her with my DC’s until my DSis and Bil could collect her after work.
my DNeice therefore had a Grandma(BIL’s mum), a Grannie (mine and DSis’s mum) and a Nanny Claire (DH’s mum), but only shared Grannie and Nanny Claire with my children on a day to day basis. Adding a name to the term for a GP is a good way of distinguishing between direct and indirect family.
Extended family can be quite wonderful, and if yourDC are going to have their step siblings in their lives, why not allow them some of the love that GP’s tend to have for all associated DC’s?

Muchamucha · 09/11/2023 14:44

As children we had a ‘nanny X’ that we saw the same as our other nanny’s (I think we may have seen her as a sort of great grandmother as she was much older than our other grandma’s) and we loved going to see her, she always treated us great and spoilt us. Only when I got older did I realise this ‘nanny X’ was my half siblings nan from my mothers first marriage. But didn’t see it as strange and it was actually lovely to know we had an extra grandma who treated us the same as her blood grand child and meant that her relationship with my half sibling didn’t suffer due to my mother having more children in her second marriage.

if she is a nice kind woman who will love your child then I don’t see the issue really.

Notmetoo · 09/11/2023 14:46

It sounds as though she is a surrogate mother to him. You said he doesn't have a relationship with his own family so isn't it nice that he has her to take in that role and to be a grandparent to your son on his dad's side.
I wouldn't be happy about her sidelining your mum or doing things you want your mum to do but I wouldn't be unhappy about your son calling her nanny as she is like a mum to his father and presumably his other children your son's siblings call her that. She sounds a lovely caring person and children can't have too many people like that in their lives

TammyJones · 09/11/2023 14:49

PramPusherCentral · 09/11/2023 14:29

The more people there are to love and care for my child, the better.

I'd take any help I could
Ex mil and fil wasn't interested
Dad and step mum wasn't interested
Own dm was passed many years earlier

We did have a fantastic childminder who the kids still see even as grown up.

Thesunsstillupthere · 09/11/2023 14:50

Yanbu. Just because he’s had a weird childhood / family issues doesn’t need he can adopt his ex’s family and force your child and you into a relationship with them.

If he’s telling you that your child has to call his ex’s mum ‘Nanny’ then I would ask him to do some counselling sessions as that is not a reasonable request.

Chlorinara · 09/11/2023 14:50

So your son's half siblings already call her Nanny. I think extending that to include him is nice and a pretty natural thing to do. Would something like Nanny Jane be an acceptable compromise? That would give a bit of flexibility to morph into either Nanny or Jane as he gets older.

I wonder if it might help to unpick the issues a bit. Wanting her to provide weekly childcare for your baby is a completely separate thing to your son seeing her on birthdays and Christmas and calling her by the same name as his half siblings use.

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/11/2023 14:51

I think you’re being a bit precious OP.
This lady is a mum to your partner, the gran to his kids and has done nothing to warrant your tetchiness
You are instigating the division amongst the kids because of your own insecurities. If you aren’t careful this will affect your relationship

TenderChicken · 09/11/2023 14:52

I think YANBU but his enmeshment with his ex's family would have been a dealbreaker for me. I don't know how you reconcile having a baby with a man who's surrogate parents you don't want in your life.

Singleandproud · 09/11/2023 14:58

I understand your point of view and would probably feel the same. BUT it is never a bad thing for a child to have lots of people that love them. Lots of people have Aunties and Uncles that are friends rather than blood relatives so perhaps compromise on Nanny 'Plum' (whatever her name is) instead of just nanny.

tootyflooty · 09/11/2023 15:00

my ex dh parents were Granny and Grandad to my chilldren from my 2nd marriage as well, my dh never had a problem with it, given his mother is a nighmare and and lives abroad, both my parents are dead, so I was glad all my children had a decent set of grandparents. I don't think my ex husband was probably happy about it so much. But as others have said, the more people who love your children the better. But you do need to chat honestly about how this will work for all of you.

TokyoSushi · 09/11/2023 15:02

It's a bit odd, but you might be better just to go with it. The relationship seems like something that can't/he doesn't want to undo so you might as well make it as easy as possible. I assume she's a nice woman and it's coming from a good place?

TillyTrifle · 09/11/2023 15:04

There’s no right or wrong here - some people would be ok with this and others wouldn’t. What matters is how you feel. I hate to be THAT poster but I’m wondering about the logic of having a baby with someone where you were already uncomfortable with the wider family dynamic? In any case you are where you are and you need to find a way to navigate this. Would your partner be open to attending some couples therapy to discuss this and better understand each others viewpoints? What does his ex think about her mother playing nanny to his new baby with a new partner? Surely she isn’t over the moon about that either?

Zanatdy · 09/11/2023 15:07

Why deny your child someone who will love and care about them? It sounds like this lady means a lot to him, cutting her out will only cause issues for your relationship in the long run if she means that much to him

2jacqi · 09/11/2023 15:09

@fellinlovewithawar I think if it was me, that would definitely be a big fat "NO"!!!!!! she is not and never will be your child's nanny!! I honestly do not understand his obsession with his ex's family!! where does his ex stand in all this???? her family is hers, not his!! I would not have ever gone to their family functions either! that is just too weird! your family should be his family

Opine · 09/11/2023 15:12

I had a similar dynamic growing up and it was a huge gift to me. There weren’t no half siblings or your grandma v my grandma etc. just a lot of very reasonable, caring people behaving with decency for the benefit of everyone involved.
As an adult those relationships stand firm.

I can see why you might feel uncomfortable but maybe you could get to the bottom of why.

QOD · 09/11/2023 15:13

the closest title i would accept would be "auntie nanny" or somesuch. I get where he is coming from but also its weird

Sapphire387 · 09/11/2023 15:15

No sorry, I think it's a bit weird and shows a lack of boundaries on his part.

They are your stepchildren's grandmother but not your child's grandmother. He's pushing it a bit too far with wanting her to visit straight away and suggesting you would ask her for help over your own mother. He needs to respect your feelings around this being his ex's mother.

I am all for civil and friendly at family occasions that happen to involve them, but any further than that is too much, imho.