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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my baby to view my partner’s ex’s Mum as ‘Nanny’?

171 replies

fellinlovewithawar · 09/11/2023 14:09

My partner and I are expecting our first child together at the beginning of next year. He already has two children and maintains a good relationship with his ex, as well as her family. I’ve met the majority of them (always in a setting such as a party, or with the kids about), and they’ve all been incredibly welcoming. With that said, there are times I struggle with the dynamic. This is very much a ‘me’ issue, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong in the setup. This is something I’m working through, and I support the co-parenting relationship as much as I can, but I just don’t feel comfortable right now establishing a relationship with the rest of the family.

My partner has expressed that he’d like us to meet up with her family separately eventually (outside of family gatherings) and when we’ve spoken about a wedding in the future, he’s told me he wants them all to be there. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent. She’s always been supportive of him, and I would never want him to lose that, nor the relationship he’s built with the rest of the family. He wasn’t the initiator in the breakdown of his last relationship, and it doesn’t feel fair for him to suffer because of it. However, when it comes to conversations around our son, I’m finding it really hard to accept this. The main sticking point is that I can only see his ex’s Mum as exactly that. He said he wants her to be one of the first people to meet our baby. When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’.

We spoke at length, and I explained why I felt the way I did, and didn’t feel it was fair that he’s made that decision on viewing her as ‘Nanny’ without talking it through with me first. He understood, but I think this all really upset him. I can see his point of view, but something about our son being integrated into his ex’s family just makes me uncomfortable. I’m happy for him to meet her, to go over to play when we bring the other children, but I cant get past the idea of him calling her his ‘Nanny’.

I need to know AITAH for feeling uncomfortable and telling him I don’t want this? I don’t know if I’m not fully understanding his viewpoint and if I should just push through the way I’m feeling.

OP posts:

Popetthetreehugger · 09/11/2023 15:15

Do your step children call your mum Nan ? It’s not so clear cut as he thinks of them as his family. I wonder what his ex thinks ?

Lottaflowers · 09/11/2023 15:17

YANBU. But it is all a bit late now. Being with someone who is so deeply intertwined with their ex's family is always something to be avoided at all IMO. I have an ex who was, and still is, completely entangled in his previous ex's family. It was really frustrating, and I knew he'd never develop as strong a relationship with my family as he had with hers. On Mothers day he would always spend it with his ex's Mum and her whole family. Not with his own Mum, or with me and mine. I found the whole thing completely weird and suffocating. I'm glad it ended because if we'd have had a child together I absolutely know that he would have wanted to do exactly what your partner is doing. Some say the more people who love your child the better, but I really think it depends on who those people are!

Dolphin123456789 · 09/11/2023 15:20

I wish there was a button that said 'you are definitely NOT being unreasonable'.

Heyahun · 09/11/2023 15:20

my daughter has sleep overs with her brother at his grandmas house sometimes and gets taken on days out - it's my husbands ex's mum! she is so lovely and welcoming and i love the fact that both siblings are treated the same by her even though one of them isn't even related to her!1

my own mum take both kids sometimes too and babysits them both at our house too - see's my husbands child with ex same as she see's mine

i personally think it's lovely and don't understand why you don't want that for your child

but obviously your choice

sandyhappypeople · 09/11/2023 15:24

Don't give this any headspace OP, it's a common teething problem with new parents as to who's parents do what and when, the fact that she isn't his bio mum doesn't really matter, he sees her as a mother figure and by default a nanny figure. It's a bit unconventional, but the best thing would be to keep an open mind and see how you get on, telling him the child can't call her nanny at this point does seem quite cold, it's what you've entered into when you've wanted this relationship to progress so it seems unfair to be putting barriers in the way before you've even started.

Saying that, It's perfectly normal for you to want to favour your parents when thinking of where to go and what to do as that is where you feel most at home, and it's normal for him to favour his 'family', he can't MAKE you go to his family with the baby so you'll probably only go when you're all together as a family, he may just be bringing it up because he can sense your hesitation and thinks if he can get you to spend time with her you'll warm up to her, it's natural for him to feel that way, but just say, 'maybe, we'll see' and keep it open for now.

Out of interest how does the ex feel about it?

aloris · 09/11/2023 15:33

You said your partner did not initiate the breakdown of his relationship with his ex. Do you think he still has feelings for his ex? If so, I think it's reasonable for you to want boundaries with the family of his ex.

Boopeedoop · 09/11/2023 15:42

PramPusherCentral · 09/11/2023 14:29

The more people there are to love and care for my child, the better.

This. We all need good people in our lives.

Poppy128xx · 09/11/2023 15:44

It doesn't matter whether it's normal or not, the fact is you find it uncomfortable and your partner should respect that and reach some sort of compromise. You have absolutely no obligation to meet his ex let alone his ex's family!

Just for the record I would find this completely unacceptable too. I would find it disrespectful he had such a close relationship with his exes family too, let alone being told myself & my child needs to meet them as well!

You should post this on the step-parenting forum you'd get much more understanding replies from people in similar situations 😊

Poppy128xx · 09/11/2023 15:45

Boopeedoop · 09/11/2023 15:42

This. We all need good people in our lives.

Show quote history

What about the OP's life though? Why do her wants & needs have to go below everyone else's?

FloweryName · 09/11/2023 15:47

What if your child wants to do the same as his or her siblings and call this woman nanny? What harm does it do? Especially compared to the harm it could do forbidding something that would be nice for the people actually involved in it?

Readingallnight · 09/11/2023 15:48

Your child could call her auntie. She’s not a Nanny. I don’t see why you can’t tell her this and your future dh or your child when they are older.

In terms of wfh at her house, that’s down to your relationship with her but it sounds like you’d rather wfh at your own parents. So do. It’s your choice not your dhs. He can suggest whatever he likes but it’s ultimately up to you.

x2boys · 09/11/2023 15:49

I think its a,weird set up.and wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Mikimoto · 09/11/2023 15:49

Could you compromise, and get your child to call her "THE Nanny"?

Smugandproud · 09/11/2023 15:52

Well it’s a decision for you and your dh to make.
However you will be thought of as the stand offish, difficult new partner.

I think you need to examine the reason you find this dynamic so difficult, surely it’s just a name and a wedding is such a blur I don’t think their presence will register much. If this lady is important to your dh then that must count for something.

DogInATent · 09/11/2023 15:52

He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent.

Just picking up on this, are you going to force your partner accept his Mum as your shared child's grandparent when he doesn't have a relationship with her? Or are you going to deny your child any granny from his side of the family because you won't accept the one that's acceptable to him?

Yes, it's weird. But it's the reality with complex modern relationships. If you can't accept/won't allow his choice of who his mother is (emotionally, not biologically) then what's the future for you both?

Poppy128xx · 09/11/2023 15:52

FloweryName · 09/11/2023 15:47

But surely those children would be doing things with this 'nanny' on ex wife's time with her children...

Poppy128xx · 09/11/2023 15:55

Smugandproud · 09/11/2023 15:52

Well it’s a decision for you and your dh to make.
However you will be thought of as the stand offish, difficult new partner.

Or a partner with firm & fair boundaries to protect her mental health.

I'm sorry but I disagree with everyone saying this dynamic is normal. At the end of the day his ex wives' family are not his family. When you split this is just something that happens, you can't always keep the same people/friends in your life as you had before regardless of who initiated the split.

GigiAnnna · 09/11/2023 15:57

I can see why you are feeling put out by this but I also can see it from his side. When you choose to settle down with someone who has kids, you have to make allowances and come to compromises. Although I don't think a child really needs a relationship with his father's ex's mum, it seems like it's moved beyond that, as you say he views her like his own mum. It could be a positive thing and another person to love your child. And as he grows up, when his siblings are spending time with her, it might be nice for your child to feel included. I think it depends on how involved he still is with his ex that might cause problems, but you knew about that when you chose to be with him and have a baby.

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2023 15:57

My DC didn't have a grandma at first. So two of my friends' mothers called themselves 'granny x' and 'nanny y' and were very kind to them

Why is it a problem?

doubleshotcappuccino · 09/11/2023 16:01

That sounds lovely and for all the children to have the same Nanny in their life sounds really nice - she sounds like a lovely woman..

Gymnopedie · 09/11/2023 16:05

Has anyone asked 'Nanny' what she would like to be called and how much involvement she wants to have with the new baby? She might feel it's a step too far given that the child is with you so taking it even further out of the biological family? Or has DP decided and just expects that everyone will fall in?

gotomomo · 09/11/2023 16:07

There's more to being a family than biology. I think having an unconventional extended family like yours is lovely and kids benefit by having more people to love them. Blended families work best when everyone gets along and yours sounds lovely.

Thursdayusername · 09/11/2023 16:08

As lots of other posters do, we use 'Nanny X' type names for for non-biological grandparents and 'Nanny' type names for biological ones and that works well for us.
What name would your mum choose if she could pick a grandma name first?

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/11/2023 16:11

I get why it's weird as she yours ex mum

he isn't close to his mum

But she is also nanny to your step kids who are your child's siblings (half to be picky)

The more people there are to love your child is a good thing surely

Nanny name is fine

I can get why you don't want her to do childcare while at work but equally she's either gonna be a gp and in your kids life or not

Thelnebriati · 09/11/2023 16:20

An adult who has problems with boundaries is showing a red flag. When they want to introduce someone who is desperate for a relationship with your baby, that's a second person waving a red flag.People need to stop seeing this as lovely or harmless.

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