AIBU for not wanting my baby to view my partner’s ex’s Mum as ‘Nanny’?

[fellinlovewithawar]

My partner and I are expecting our first child together at the beginning of next year. He already has two children and maintains a good relationship with his ex, as well as her family. I’ve met the majority of them (always in a setting such as a party, or with the kids about), and they’ve all been incredibly welcoming. With that said, there are times I struggle with the dynamic. This is very much a ‘me’ issue, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong in the setup. This is something I’m working through, and I support the co-parenting relationship as much as I can, but I just don’t feel comfortable right now establishing a relationship with the rest of the family.

My partner has expressed that he’d like us to meet up with her family separately eventually (outside of family gatherings) and when we’ve spoken about a wedding in the future, he’s told me he wants them all to be there. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent. She’s always been supportive of him, and I would never want him to lose that, nor the relationship he’s built with the rest of the family. He wasn’t the initiator in the breakdown of his last relationship, and it doesn’t feel fair for him to suffer because of it. However, when it comes to conversations around our son, I’m finding it really hard to accept this. The main sticking point is that I can only see his ex’s Mum as exactly that. He said he wants her to be one of the first people to meet our baby. When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’.

We spoke at length, and I explained why I felt the way I did, and didn’t feel it was fair that he’s made that decision on viewing her as ‘Nanny’ without talking it through with me first. He understood, but I think this all really upset him. I can see his point of view, but something about our son being integrated into his ex’s family just makes me uncomfortable. I’m happy for him to meet her, to go over to play when we bring the other children, but I cant get past the idea of him calling her his ‘Nanny’.

I need to know AITAH for feeling uncomfortable and telling him I don’t want this? I don’t know if I’m not fully understanding his viewpoint and if I should just push through the way I’m feeling.

Is his name Scott and will it be Nana Kris?

He can adopt whoever he likes as family.

I decided I wanted to be called something else rather then nanny ect to avoid all the nanny x, nanny y ...z that came up in my convoluted family. Its yaya - Greek for grandma. Try googling "good name for a person who acts like a grandma" there are some really good ones there.

You have to do what is best for you and your baby and what you are comfortable with.

the more people in your child’s life who love him, the better. Grandparents are the best, if your son has the opportunity to have an extra one, lucky him!

I would step back and think about this very carefully, as you could drive a wedge that isn’t needed if you appear quite narrow minded and inflexible. Instead of thinking about ‘Nanny’ as his ex’s Mum, you need to think about her more like his Mum. It’s who he feels close to and that’s the role she is filling for him, his other children have a close relationship and your child will be welcomed with open arms.

in modern families, these situations are far more common and you need to think about everyone’s feelings here and not just yours.

What does his ex think of this in view of her initiating the break-up?

@PramPusherCentral totally agree with this. It certainly won't hurt them.

She sounds like a really nice woman with a heart that is big enough for everybody. How lovely that your new child will be seen the same as her other Grandchildren! A child can never have too much love, can it ♥️

I would compromise by suggesting that ex-MIL is called "Nanny Doreen" or what her name is. But everyone recognises that first time parents are very insecure and want to feel in control of decision-making. I'd also invite your own mother to stay for a few days/week after the birth, so you can build important bonds and make your parents feel central in your family set-up. But when little one arrives - you're going to want every bit of support everyone is willing to give. Also join a local "mums and baby" activity group, which is full of first-time parents, where you'll find lots in common with other new mums, who will also be facing wider family stresses and going though all the same baby anxieties.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But also, do you think your partner’s ex’s Mum would treat your child in exactly the same way as her biological grandchildren? If not, it probably isn’t fair on your child/might be confusing for them.

I ask because I similarly wanted to my mother figure to be known as my child’s grandparent. That was until my partner asked me a similar question. I’m now very glad that we went with ‘Auntie’ as, although she loves my child, they are not treated the same way as her biological grandchildren. This may not be the case for you guys, but something to consider anyway.

@Neodymium You hit the nail on the head.

You see her as his exs family. He just sees her as his family.

And they are his family - his ex is the mother of two of his children, her parents are their grandparents.

And you married him so they are your family and the family of your new baby too.

In one big extended mish mash.

To upset the apple cart is only going to cause harm to all the children and make them feel insecure and less cohesive as siblings.

In all honestly, you made the decision to have a baby with a man who has existing children from another marriage and they and all that comes with are part of the deal. Crack on and be grateful it’s so harmonious.

Oh god I’ve just reread your post and you aren’t married yet… and it sounds he didn’t marry the first mother either. Prize catch.

You’re in too vulnerable a position to be kicking up a stink.

Marry him, let them all come to the wedding, then when you actually have rights you can start asserting your boundaries more strongly.

Right now he could leave you and you’d be stuffed. Sorry to be blunt but you either need to be looking at marriage pronto or drawing up something legally to protect yourself and your son.

I am NC with my son and his current wife. I have always had an excellent relationship with his ex-partner who is the mother of my granddaughter. Ex-partner has recently had a new baby, who is very much classed as another granddaughter to me, and I am classed as her granny.

I know I am granny number three and will probably be third in line for babysitting/sleepovers etc, but that would be the case if I were the paternal granny, i.e. number two; in my experience of being the mother of sons, the maternal granny is the default granny of choice, simply because the mum keeps in touch with her own mother first.

I am very lucky in the relationship I have with my granddaughter's mum, but we have both worked very hard to preserve it over the last ten years. It is so easy for families to lose touch during or after a separation or divorce. It is better for the children to have as many people who love them as possible.

I have 2 children with my ex partner and have a child with my current partner. My ex partners mum treats my daughter the same as the older 2 takes her for sleepovers and days out! I think it's amazing she treats her exactly the same and my daughter calls her nana xx

I think the ex link is a red herring he considers this woman like a mum - it’s a special relationship as they were once completely strangers but have chosen to have this bond.
try explaining to a toddler his siblings call her granny but he can’t - I think your child will end up dictating what he calls her

As long as your family are not sidelined then I don't see a problem with your ds calling your dh's ex MiL nanny. My dad's sister is still a big part of her ds's stepdaughters lives even though him and their mother broke up years ago. She calls their dc her great grandchildren and they are always invited to family events. Her ds does have a child with their mother so their half brother but she rarely sees him as he doesn't really socialise.(They are all adults now)

A child can't have too many aunties, uncles and grandparents.

The more people who love the child and are willing to support you the better.

My dc had numerous grandparents due to us parents being adopted and being in touch with our birth parents and our birth parents having partners, but my dc were closest to my parents as they're the ones who they saw the most as they were always helping me.

He's not trying to replace your family he's adding to it.

That’s a really rude thing to say. I assume you have been fortunate enough to be born into a perfect family with mum, dad, siblings and all get along.
you sound completely devoid of empathy.

OP needs to accept this as part of her partners package. Unless you have a fractured family unit yourself you cannot understand how those who do will always seek out that family unit you were deprived of.. and how lovely does this lady sound.

Imo YABU, but that's probably because I'm biased.

You can all have fun with this.

My ex MIL was at DS2's birth - nearly delivered him in fact because midwife just left the room and hadn't realised I was pushing. Never had a good relationship with my mum and very close to her. Still am.

Ex husband and husband great friends. Husband loves ex MIL, she's a retired midwife so wonderful knowledge.

Works really well. Me and ex husband share a disabled son so co-operation was key and I made it very clear to DH when we started dating that my co-parenting relationship was important and nobody was about to come in and ruin it. The kids come first.

Thankfully the kids have now got lots of family that adore them, including DH family. My in laws have met ex in laws and all friendly.

Me, ex husband and DH all attend schools events and birthdays together. Ex husband stays for Christmas.

Flip it over. Is he also happy with your mum being "nanny" to his older children?