AIBU for not wanting my baby to view my partner’s ex’s Mum as ‘Nanny’?

[fellinlovewithawar]

My partner and I are expecting our first child together at the beginning of next year. He already has two children and maintains a good relationship with his ex, as well as her family. I’ve met the majority of them (always in a setting such as a party, or with the kids about), and they’ve all been incredibly welcoming. With that said, there are times I struggle with the dynamic. This is very much a ‘me’ issue, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong in the setup. This is something I’m working through, and I support the co-parenting relationship as much as I can, but I just don’t feel comfortable right now establishing a relationship with the rest of the family.

My partner has expressed that he’d like us to meet up with her family separately eventually (outside of family gatherings) and when we’ve spoken about a wedding in the future, he’s told me he wants them all to be there. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent. She’s always been supportive of him, and I would never want him to lose that, nor the relationship he’s built with the rest of the family. He wasn’t the initiator in the breakdown of his last relationship, and it doesn’t feel fair for him to suffer because of it. However, when it comes to conversations around our son, I’m finding it really hard to accept this. The main sticking point is that I can only see his ex’s Mum as exactly that. He said he wants her to be one of the first people to meet our baby. When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’.

We spoke at length, and I explained why I felt the way I did, and didn’t feel it was fair that he’s made that decision on viewing her as ‘Nanny’ without talking it through with me first. He understood, but I think this all really upset him. I can see his point of view, but something about our son being integrated into his ex’s family just makes me uncomfortable. I’m happy for him to meet her, to go over to play when we bring the other children, but I cant get past the idea of him calling her his ‘Nanny’.

I need to know AITAH for feeling uncomfortable and telling him I don’t want this? I don’t know if I’m not fully understanding his viewpoint and if I should just push through the way I’m feeling.

Honestly I wouldn't be bothered by this. In this day and age where there is such animosity between exes and ex-PIL, I think it's refreshing to see everyone getting along so well.

I think of it like when you're a kid and you have "Auntie so-and-so" and when you get older, you realise they're not a relation and just a family friend or something. I had an "Auntie Claire" but she's just been "Claire" since I was about 13 or 14.

I know a couple who were together from 15/16 until mid 20s. The man had basically been abandoned by his own parents and was taken in by the family.
After they split in their mid 20s he maintained a v strong relationship with the family including years later the parents acting as grandparents to his children. I always thought it was amazing that he had found that extended family support and his wife totally accepted it.
I understand why it could be weird for you, but if there is nothing unpleasant/that makes you uncomfortable about these people in general I would be trying to go along with the relationship.

I have a very similar set up in my family. I have been so glad to have so many extra people in our lives to love my eldest and to make him know he's amongst kin. All the people in his family are good kind people - not people I've chosen myself, of course - but good people. I can see your concern and appreciate your feelings, but looking back 20 years I'm so glad I rolled with this, even with teeth gritted on a couple of occasions! It cost me nothing really and saved so much bad feeling, and my son has a really loving wide family to keep him safe in the world. You'll always be your child's most important person, so extend some grace if you can and know that these other relationships aren't any threat to you. Take care x

Honestly, OP, I’d grab this with both hands. Your DH loves this woman and she has acted in place of a good parent to him. That family is his family. They are important to him and he loves them. It doesn’t matter that they’re his exes family. They’re his family now too. She is the grandmother to your child’s half siblings. Sometimes the best love doesn’t come from blood; it comes from people who open their hearts to people they don’t have to care about. Like it or not your child will be part of this his exes family so I’d embrace them. The more people to love your baby the better.

I do totally get your feelings here, speaking as myself in their second marriage, I think anyone who loves your child is something good. They’re linked to DH older children, and if I was that Nanny I would love to see the family grow. She sounds really nice.

i got on a lot better with MiL1 over MiL2, I think these things take time and blended families are still relatively new overall generations wise.

if she is nice, take it as a compliment.

I will be honest , I couldn’t cope with this level of enmeshment , but I appreciate that is just me .

There is a middle ground. Your husband can maintain a relationship with nanny and spend time with your kids there. It doesn't mean you have to WFH out of her guestroom. It is nice to have loving adults in your kids life but it doesn't mean there can't be boundaries and recognising that she is ex-mil.

I do wonder how excited the ex is about all of this. And if nanny actually is excited to have a new grandchild ans new daughter in law spending days at her house

I understand why you feel that way, but it’s actually quite lovely to have so many people wanting to love and be part of your child’s life.

I don’t know why people find it so strange to keep in touch with ex families. If both parties have moved on, then I don’t see any problem with it and it shows a very mature and healthy way to have relationships with people who have been important in the past. It sounds like his ex’s family have really embraced you aswell, and that’s lovely.

I would try to embrace this unusual but really quite lovely set up.

I think you should prioritise your partners feelings here. You say he doesn’t get on with his own family and these people in particular his MIL became his family. Better to have supportive “family” than blood ones who’re rubbish. That this came through his ex doesn’t really matter. As long as he is committed to you and treats you well. It takes a village and more people in your baby’s life the better. My parents aren’t family oriented whereas my partners family are amazing. If we break up (which feels quite possible) I really hope I can continue a relationship with them for my LO but also for me. Think about everything you get from your own family, now imagine you didn’t get that and then found that with someone else’s family and then your new partner wanted you to distance yourself. Making him choose is cruel and a bad idea

Does his ex MIL actually want to be called nanny, do babysitting, or have you WFH in her house? I see a lot of what your husband wants and feels, but does she match up with his thoughts on this?

I don,t think you’re being totally unreasonable here, especially around the WFH/babysitting, but I’d be sure everyone was on the same page.

I also think: go with it.

When I met my dh and knew he had a child I naively thought the extended family relationship would be like that but insecurity bitterness jealousy and anger (in all parties) meant that it was anything but.
now that everyone is older and calmer I realise that it would have been lovely and doable but for heightened emotions.

As someone else said: the more positive and loving relationships in a child's life, the better.

Try leaning into it (or reframing it in yourmind as a privilege and gift) and see how it goes. At present it seems that it is only you who is fighting against this dynamic.

I think it’s odd, however, if he views her family as his family I can see why the lines are blurred.
I would not make any rash decisions quite yet. You may find that the Gran is a massive support and you may actually benefit from it.
The problem will happen though if he allows Gran to be put before your own Mum. Due to the blurring of the lines, this could get messy for your own Mum.
As you can tell, I have mixed feelings about this!

Your feelings are valid OP, but if ex-MIL has become a mother figure to your husband, more than his own biological mother that he’s not close to, I understand him wanting her to be closely involved with his new baby. Family is about love, not blood. You can certainly suggest an alternative name for your baby to call her instead of nanny, but in reality they’ll call her whatever their siblings do!

The younsgter will call her Nanny possibly anyway because his siblings will be calling her Nanny.
I would not worry about that, nor about seeing them socially at large group occasions, however, the childcare issue and the private visits etc are up to you to feel comfortable.
Take your time and only do what feels right.

It’s a bit strange but tbh I think it’s lovely. They are your child’s siblings family so they are linked to your child wether you like it or not and I think it’s really great they have been so welcoming and will be so supportive when your baby is born. It will be great for all the kids really and I can’t really see any downside as long as you are secure in your relationship.

I’m surprised you’ve got this far in the relationship without saying anything about this strange set up. If he wants to remain friends with the ex MIL for whatever reason then let him get on with it, but there’s no way I’d want my child to be that closely involved with her. Tell him that you have a family & you won’t be replacing it with his ex’s, & she will certainly never come before your mother. Apart from being polite when you see them on occasions, then that’s as far as it will go. It sounds like he’s trying to push your family out. You need to speak up otherwise his MIL will be watching you give birth …

Have I got this straight - she's Nanny to his 2 existing DC and is ready to be Nanny to his third - treating all his DC the same?

I'd welcome that - the more loving people in a DC's life the better

And at least you'll never be the one starting a thread about grandparents treating step-GC differently (well not in this bit of your extended family).

You don't mention his XP/XW in this - presumably she's OK with the DC's father keeping up links with her half of the DC's family. It sounds a very good set up for the DC

And it is their interests that come first - all 3 siblings

That fact that your child's siblings call her nanny is what makes it not weird for me - your child will probably grow up thinking that is their name

My cousin's grandmother I always knew wasnt my grandmother, but I called her Oma the same as they did - in truth I'm not sure I actually know her name

I’d be looking for a middle ground, ‘nanny x’ might be a way to facilitate that. It is nice she wants to be involved but I understand the need for you to have a boundary. It feels like your child will be integrated more into your partners ex’s family in a sense which considering their history feels a little uncomfortable. What do his older children call your mum? It’s likely that there would be a difference there between what the children call your mum

my set up is that I’m friendly with my ex (2 children together) and he is main support with the children but if I was to have another child in a new relationship I could understand (and agree with) a new partner not wanting our child to call my ex’s mum nanny, even if my other 2 do. She doesn’t need to be called nanny to treat the child nicely.

I can understand why you feel that way and I'm not sure how I would feel in your place.

In my family my sister's family is very blended, as well as her adult daughter's family. It means all the children have many, many grandparents and aunties and uncles, it's confusing and took a while to get used to but it's really quite lovely.

It does mean we still have to socialise with my ex BIL but on the plus side his new partner is lovely and we've collectively decided to keep her should they split up.

On the other hand, I'm not sure how I would feel if my children started calling an unrelated woman nanny!

His attitude about what he expects you to go with is more concerning than the actual set up.

She can have a motherly relationship with him but does that mean automatic rights to your child? No, I don't think it does.

Why is he prioritising her over your mum?

Lots of conversations to be had.

Some horribly small-minded posts on this thread.

Family isn't just about blood and biology. For a lot of people, especially those whose biological family have let them down, they end up with more of a chosen family, and this can come in any form. Friends, friends' families and yes, very often exes' families. This isn't "enmeshment" or "weird" or any of the derogatory terms used on this thread. It's the realisation that good people who genuinely care about you are to be treasured wherever you find them - and that you can find them outside of the traditional blood relative setup.

The more love and care in your child's life the better. It's equally valuable whether it comes from her biological grandmother or from a non-related "nanny" or "auntie". Quibbling over what she's called just strikes me as trying to impose some sort of weird hierarchy on the situation - as if you want to make it clear that she's lesser in status. Don't do that, it's gross behaviour.

Describing her as "partner's ex's mum" may be factual but it's clear you haven't got your head round the idea that she is, to all intents and purposes, an actual maternal figure to him.

She can have a motherly relationship with him but does that mean automatic rights to your child?

OP isn't talking about her child though.

She's talking about their child, and her/his existing siblings and family relations

My Stepdaughters' dad and his family have been fantastically accepting of my daughter. Like wise my parents have treated my stepdaughters as family.

I won't say I don't sometimes find it a little odd but there is simply no doubt that both my SDs and my daughter benefit from getting as much family and love as they can. It also makes them feel more like 'full sisters' than 'half sisters.' My wife and I have chatted a lot with her ex about that and we're all on board with it. My little girl adores him but I never feel like my role as dad is threatened at all by it.

So yeah it is weird. But I'm looking at three kids that mean the world to me and seeing without doubt that it's best for them.

Not U to feel a bit disconcerted, because its an unusual situation. But provided you don't think its a way of hanging on to his ex herself, then you'd be U to act on your feelings.
Sounds to me like this woman is a positive presence in his life and could be the same for your child, and its not right for you to stand in the way of that.