AIBU for not wanting my baby to view my partner’s ex’s Mum as ‘Nanny’?

[fellinlovewithawar]

My partner and I are expecting our first child together at the beginning of next year. He already has two children and maintains a good relationship with his ex, as well as her family. I’ve met the majority of them (always in a setting such as a party, or with the kids about), and they’ve all been incredibly welcoming. With that said, there are times I struggle with the dynamic. This is very much a ‘me’ issue, but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong in the setup. This is something I’m working through, and I support the co-parenting relationship as much as I can, but I just don’t feel comfortable right now establishing a relationship with the rest of the family.

My partner has expressed that he’d like us to meet up with her family separately eventually (outside of family gatherings) and when we’ve spoken about a wedding in the future, he’s told me he wants them all to be there. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent. She’s always been supportive of him, and I would never want him to lose that, nor the relationship he’s built with the rest of the family. He wasn’t the initiator in the breakdown of his last relationship, and it doesn’t feel fair for him to suffer because of it. However, when it comes to conversations around our son, I’m finding it really hard to accept this. The main sticking point is that I can only see his ex’s Mum as exactly that. He said he wants her to be one of the first people to meet our baby. When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative. He’s also said our son will be calling her ‘Nanny’.

We spoke at length, and I explained why I felt the way I did, and didn’t feel it was fair that he’s made that decision on viewing her as ‘Nanny’ without talking it through with me first. He understood, but I think this all really upset him. I can see his point of view, but something about our son being integrated into his ex’s family just makes me uncomfortable. I’m happy for him to meet her, to go over to play when we bring the other children, but I cant get past the idea of him calling her his ‘Nanny’.

I need to know AITAH for feeling uncomfortable and telling him I don’t want this? I don’t know if I’m not fully understanding his viewpoint and if I should just push through the way I’m feeling.

I was just about to suggest that a compromise might be to call her "Nanny X (insert her real first name as appropriate).

When I’ve spoken about my own Mum babysitting, he’s suggested that we could always ask her instead. When we’ve spoken about returning to work and I’ve considered spending a couple of days at my parents to WFH, he’s suggested I could go over there as an alternative

Why is he trying to make his ex's mother - not even his own mother - more of a fixture in your child's life than your own parents? He doesn't seem to be acknowledging that your mum is the baby's actual grandmother. I wouldn't tolerate my dh pushing my mum out in favour of his ex MIL.

He doesn’t have much of a relationship with his own family and views his ex’s Mum as his own parent.

YABU a bit.
You say yourself that he sees her as his own mum.

Some people are incredibly close and do become family.
There was a thread not long ago about a woman who was incredibly close to her MIL and then her and her DP broke up and he didn’t want her seeing his mum anymore.

It’s such a difficult situation and I’d have absolutely no issue with the ex MIL being involved but I would worry that she may be the one to end things further down the line.

I completely understand why it’s taking you some time to get your head around it all but you must have known how close they all were before you got pregnant and I would rather have a partner who has a close relationship with her ex and family and co-parents well, than have a bad relationship with them.

I understand why you might find it a bit odd but I can’t see how this negatively affects you or your child.

This is a great idea!

Have this exact scenario, my first husbands parents are amazing, he doesn't see them barely at all and they love their GC ( my boys) to bits, so when several years later I had a child with my new husband I actually asked my ex MIL if my youngest could also call her Nanny Bet, and she was thrilled, she had always wanted a GD.
It never felt weird, just lovely that here was someone else to be there for my sweet girl. X

I still don’t know the ins and outs of my extended family on my mums side. I think most of the cousins are from a great aunts first marriage and not blood? And one is the child of one brother raised by the other. Dunno. Didn’t matter. Acted like family.

No I wouldn't be ok with this. Fine to have a cordial relationship with them because of the older children, but to me this extends to events where you happen to all be there. Not meeting up purposely, and certainly not your child calling this lady nanny. Even auntie would be better as many children call family friends that.

Do you know how many people post on here about their own parents being completely disinterested in their grandchildren. How upsetting it is? I think it is just lovely that she wants to be involved with your child.

If you choose to go down the route of not having this lovely sounding woman as Nanny you will be othering your child. Your child is a half sibling to her grandchildren, families are complicated, it isn't straight forward when you blend families. Your partner sees this woman as his Mum, so why are you so against it?

Stop falling into the pigeon hole of not liking the ex or anything to do with the ex which includes her totally reasonable and lovely parents. You are putting yourself on the outside of this family, you are part of it.

As someone who has lost both a Mum and a lovely MIL cherish those who show love and kindness to you and by extension your child.

I had about 6 nannies and loads of aunties. Nana may and nana Jo and nana Betty etc. More love to go around

YABU.
It sounds she will be a loving and supportive presence in your son's life. Embrace it.

I think this is a "you" issue, which is understandable, but now that you're having a child, there is that blood link between you, your child, his older children --"Nanny". So it's not really about you - this lady is related to your child, and really that can only be a good thing. You don't want to create a sense of division between the child and their older half-siblings when "Nanny" is ready to welcome them in. I agree with PPs that "Nanny Jane" is a good compromise.

Be glad it's not an acrimonious split full of awkwardness. Best to bring a child into an amicable and relaxed extended family (which is what this is).

My children grew up with DHs ex inlaws as their grandparents. He has 3 children with his XW. They were estranged from their daughter and maintained the relationship with their grandkids through DH. I came into this set up, and it just flowed as our kids came along they joined the extended family. They were lovely people, both are now passed, but my kids gained a great deal in love (and Christmas presents 😂) from them. I think the more the merrier really.

This is what is good about mn because you've a pool of opinions here and nobody is right or wrong. How you feel is just that.

I'd love this for my DC and my DP, especially if they were also welcoming towards me. I'm with the PP, who doesn't want more people to love their baby?

But the poster who would hate it isn't wrong either, different people will feel very strongly on this.

If you consider his lack of relationship with his mum, last time he was a dad he didn't have a mum to be excited with him and enjoy that aspect of life with him. And MiL was excited for her DD.
He might be enjoying the experience of having the person he feels is his DM figure excited with him. It's not about his ex, it's about his friendship with MiL and reservations aside, try enjoying this experience for him, having a mum to enjoy your DC is a privilege, try not getting to in your head about it, this relationship isn't a new one that's been foist upon you so maybe hormones are making you feel a bit fed up and this issue is why?
During pregnancy I get arsey about anything and everything that isn't a big deal, but at the time it's massive.

OP: as a PP has said, my parents and my parents in law have both been fairly useless and distant grandparents. They do live miles away TBF - but we have done it all alone or with professional help.

I would honestly be delighted if there was an opportunity for another responsible adult to take some of the pressure off us.

His x must also be wishing he'd back off her mother a bit. Maybe she is ok with staying in touch but carrying on as though he is still her son in law when he has a new relationship is not easy for you im sure.

Very very strange that he wants his ex's mum to be one of the first to meet your baby. If he is estranged from his family then the baby should meet all your family members and friends before the baby meets random people like the ex's mum.

Sounds like she’s got a really nice relationship with your partner and I think it’s nice he has a mother figure now that he was lacking before. Why does it make you so uncomfortable? Is it because of his ex?

Id try and treat her like she is his mother basically, since it sounds like that really is the nature of their relationship vs exes mother. Family can be chosen vs blood and I think it’s lovely everyone still gets along and this woman still treats your partner like a son, particularly since he doesn’t have that from blood relatives.

And what about DH's mum? They're not close, but surely she'll appear at some point - what will her name be? The Real Nanny of Beverly Hills?

I think a woman who is kind and loving towards her existing grandchildren and can see beyond parents deciding they don’t want to be in a relationship any more but who still want to maintain close family relationships with people who care about the children, sounds exactly the sort of person who can also build a loving relationship with your baby. It would be a shame if your step kids were able to have a good relationship with her as they grow but you denied your own child that opportunity. Lots of children have more than the average number of grannys/ nannies/ grandmas/ nans/ nannas these days.

If the DP was saying the same things about his own mother - OP's MIL - that OP should go there instead of her own parents to WFH, that they should ask her to babysit rather than her own mum, then the responses would be very different, posters would be waving red flags and talking about mummy's boys.

Doesnt seem any different to me to there being more than one nanna when the parents remarry? My child’s dad has parents who aren’t together and so do I - all remarried so the grandparents were called various things like (for example) grandad Bill or Nanny Jones etc. All depended on what they wanted to be called

As the grown up child of divorced parents please, for the love of God, do what is best for your DC.

If his siblings are calling her Nanny what is the big deal with your son also calling her Nanny? How many PP have a child whose called one their friends “Auntie X” even though she’s no blood relation, she’s just a friend?

PP also need to stop acting as if the DC is OPs child and OPs child only. His father has an equal say in who his child has a relationship with. If OP were to divorce then her DH can take his child to see whoever the he wants and let his kid call whoever he wants “Nanny”.

As for her doing babysitting or you doing WFH at her house, I really wouldn’t put too much stock in that. He just sounds excited. You can WFH wherever you like. If his “chosen Mum” is looking after his older two kids would there be any harm in her also looking after your joint DC?

My DC has 4 sets of grandparents because both mine and DH’s parents are divorced and remarried. I consider my DC incredibly luckily to have so many people who adore him.

My stepdad was like this with his exes family. Like your husband, he had very little family of his own and felt that his exes family were his family. Also like your husband, he wasn't responsible for the end of his first marriage, his ex had a years long affair.

My Mum found it odd for a while too, but at the end of the day realised that his relationship with these people was seperate from his relationship with his ex, and my Mum grew to see these people as family too, in the same way she saw her stepsons as family.

My Mum and stepdad never had kids together, they were way past that point, and I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with your child calling her "Nanny", but you are going to have to make some compromises.

At the end of the day, if you make him choose between you and his family, sometimes you're going to end up losing. You're better off embracing them, as you would with regular in laws.

Nah I didn’t read this at all as him saying, “No not your Mum…mine!”. It was just a “Or my (chosen) Mum could do it?” Which is completely fine. Why shouldn’t a DM & DMIL both look after GCs?

This if he views her as a surrogate mum it would be awful to get in the way of that surely? How about nanny ( Christian name?)